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I'm Making a List

BY Simcha Fisher

| Posted 12/5/13 at 11:58 AM

 

Gifts for everybody!  Here's what I've got so far:

1. I can only guess how much it pains Rush Limbaugh that he's been so stymied in his earnest search to find out anything, anything at all, about basic Catholic social teaching, and how, if at all, it differs from Marxism.  Headscratchy!  To remedy this tragic and embarrassing gap in his intellectual arsenal, I freely offer Mr. Limbaugh 1000 free hours of AOL. Once he figures out some basic internet skills, such as how to use Google, here is a good place to start .  Happy larnin', big guy!

2. To Fran Person, assistant to Joe Biden, a crisp new $10 bill, to pay him back for the money Mr. Biden borrowed when he ordered four sandwiches for himself and the president.  I am as sure as I am sure of anything that Mr. Biden hasn't paid that $10 back yet, although he is totally going to. I would also like to make an appointment with Mr. Person to discuss book and movie rights to his memoir.  There have to be some good stories there  There just have to be. 

3. A special decoder handbook with really, really big print and a lot of pictures for the EU Fundamental Rights Agency, which has recently dropped its definition of anti-semitism and now finds itself unable to figure out what on earth that phrase could possibly mean.  Headscratchy!  So headscratchy!

4. Cataract surgery for 99.999999999% of the secular media.  Such a shame that, due to their catastrophic and sudden blindness, they utterly missed a truly spectacular story when hordes of topless protesters screamed, spat at, shoved, made lewd gestures at, and sprayed paint on the clothes and faces of a peaceful band of men praying in front of a Catholic cathedral to protect it against ongoing vandalism, and police did nothing to stop it.  Seriously, there's a story where you can legitimately lead with the phrase "topless Argentinian protesters," and you're not going to cover it? At all?  Why ever would that be?

5. A million dollar grant for me, because I did this exact same study sixteen years ago, when I got married, and came to the stunning conclusion that men and women are different above the waist, as well as below.

6. A great big smooch to the joyful folks at A Simple House.  More like them, please.

7. To anyone who still watches Fox News after their latest triumph of judgement wherein they let their video game review guy write an analysis of Pope Francis, I bestow America as it is today.   You helped get us there.  Hope you're enjoying it. 

8. Another great big smooch to Walmart, because there is something almost touching about such cluelessness.

9. A stopped clock for the Huffington Post, in commemoration of the fact that even a no brain no how site like Huffpo occasionally comes up with something delicious, like this poll that reveled that 78% of Americans think Congress should have to submit to random drug testing

10. To my nine-year-old son's teacher, whose class apparently voted him "funniest guy":  anything you want.  Seriously.  I know what kind of funny that kid is.