The 7 Most Hilariously Bad Arguments for Gay Marriage
BY Matthew Archbold
| Posted 4/5/13 at 12:47 AM
For years we were told that marriage was a dying institution but suddenly it’s all the rage and everyone wants in.
And now, there is a great national debate on gay marriage. Well, kind of. It's more like traditional marriage people asking questions and either being ignored or told to shut up in the name of tolerance by pro-same sex marriage advocates.
But we’ve seen a number of arguments arise in favor of gay marriage that don’t really hold together all that well. Here’s the seven most hilariously bad arguments in favor of gay marriage:
7) My son is gay!
This argument has been used most famously by Senator Rob Portman but many others have used it as well in order to "evolve" on this issue. This argument for gay marriage makes me wonder if they didn't realize the existence of actual gay people until their own son just couldn't quit the Glee Marathon.
Now, this may come as a shock to some parents but it’s possible that a child can make choices that the rest of Western civilization doesn’t have to bend its collective knee to.
Imagine this same argument by the parents of Lindsey Lohan because we’d all have to be for the legalization of drugs, okaying kleptomania, and approving of driving over photographers.
6) If marriage is for pro-creation, then old people who can't have kids shouldn't be allowed to be married.
Wow. What did old people do to you? I mean, I agree that it should be illegal for old people to kiss in public but come on, let them marry, if only to prevent them from dating.
This argument was proffered by none other than Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan who asked, “Suppose a State said that, ‘Because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55.’ Would that be constitutional?”
Every time I read or hear the Harvard educated Kagan speak I think of dolphins because everyone tells me dolphins are really smart but there's no actual evidence of them saying or doing anything smart.
But let's be fair here. Major props to the liberal justice for finally tying her job to interpreting the Constitution. You just know Justice Breyer slipped her a note asking, "What's this strange constitution thingie you speak of?"
But the fact that some married people can't have babies doesn't negate the existence of marriage anymore than it negates the existence of babies. Hey, that’s kinda’ weird because babies are another thing the Supreme Court likes to negate the existence of.
5) The Bible doesn't say that engaging in homosexual acts is a sin!!!
Uhm. Well, it kinda' does. A lot. The words "abomination" and "detestable" come up and there's that little thing about not inheriting the kingdom of God. Saying the Bible doesn't disapprove of homosexual acts is like saying Woody Allen movies don't include whining. They kinda' do. A lot.
But let’s just pretend for a moment it’s true that the Bible doesn’t specifically say homosexual acts are a sin. The Bible doesn’t go into detail about lots of bad stuff. The Bible doesn’t mention "Girls" on HBO or Nicholas Cage’s movie role selections, but I am pretty sure those are bad too.
4) Jesus was gay.
This one's always interesting because many of the same people who say Jesus never really existed also say He was gay. That dichotomy would be deemed miraculous but they don't actually believe in miracles.
Just this week, radio host Don "Help, I'm starting to look like the melting-face Nazi from Indiana Jones" Imus recently foisted this argument for gay marriage on liberal political analyst Kirsten Powers who at least had the smarts to distance herself from it like a normal person might do when confronted with a person whose face was melting.
According to news reports, Imus said to Powers:
“You know there’s a Gospel of Judas floating around,” he said.
“There were hundreds of gospels written, only four made it into the [Bible]. There was the Gospel of Thomas, Mary had a gospel, they all had a gospel. But Judas — there’s some indication there that Jesus may have been gay.”
OK since when did we all start listening to Judas anyway?
Anyway let me get this straight. They’re saying Jesus was gay? Jesus, who was willing to suffer and die for the Truth was in the closet? That doesn’t really make sense, does it?
This one isn't really an argument per se. It's the equivalent of "Shut up" without all the niceness.
They should really make a television show called, “Who’s the homophobe?” where every time someone says that’s not left wing doctrine they’re shouted down and called names. Oh wait, it’s called CNN. Darn it.
2) All the polls say that Americans are in favor of gay marriage.
Those in favor of same-sex marriage are always pointing to polls. But what they don't like are actual votes which are kind of like polls except somebody keeps score. When voters upheld traditional marriage in California, gay marriage advocates didn't cheer, they just made judges discard the election results. So excuse me if I hike an eyebrow over this sudden fidelity to the voice of the people.
Anyway, polls change. These same almighty polls show people once believed in aliens and Howard Dean? Wait, that might be redundant.
1) Temperatures are diverse. So why shouldn't we be?
Seriously. The Star Tribune published this letter to the editor from a Minneapolis resident:
The lowest temperature this year was minus 22 in January, while on Tuesday, the high was 103 — a range of 125 degrees. We Minnesotans take that incredible diversity in stride like few other places in the world.
Can’t the state that tolerates these temperature differences also embrace a wide range of marriage types? Passing a constitutional amendment to restrict marriage to heterosexual unions would be like passing an amendment restricting the weather to 68 degrees and sunny.
Both amendments would be futile and would undermine what makes Minnesota one of the most special places on Earth: our diversity in all things.
That’s not just stupidity. That’s weaponized stupidity. It’s seriously the kind of thing you read and your brain unwrinkles. Yes, it’s like ironing your brain.
And I don’t understand it - if homosexuals are so interested in diversity why do they want to be more like heterosexuals and get married?
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