National Catholic Register


Debates I'd Rather See

BY Simcha Fisher

| Posted 10/11/12 at 6:00 AM


So, are you gonna watch tonight's V.P. debate?  I'll probably listen to it on the radio, if only to remind my radio how lucky it usually is that I usually listen to something better, like John Tesh

It's hard to care when you not only don't care, but you don't even want to care.  You would punch yourself in the nose for caring.  I mean, I want the extra hideous candidate to lose, and I want the slightly less hideous candidate to win with such a slight margin that he gets a hernia from watching the TV so hard on election night.  But ask me to care about a debate between the people these two paragons of hideousness have chosen to play their professional besties on TV?  Bleah.

I tell you what, arrange me a debate with someone else, anyone else, and I'll listen up.  Here are some ideas:

1.  Padre Pio vs. Gianna Molla.  Oh, sure sure, they're both saints and whatnot, with the stigmata and the martyrdom and so forth.  But mainly what they stood for in their lifetimes (at least, heaven help me, in the circles that I travel in) is that Gianna Molla wore pants -- PANTS! -- when she was skiing; and Padre Pio once set a woman on fire when she went in to his confessional, and he refused to give her a bucket of water until she promised to get rid of her pants.  Or something like that.

2.  Barack Obama vs. Abraham Lincoln.  To settle once and for all who is the worst debater ever.   (in all fairness, Lincoln's shoddy performance was almost certainly due to the high altitude in Illinois). 

3. Charlie Fuqua (R) vs. Fred Phelps (D). Topic:  How Best To Humiliate Your Party and Garner an Embarrassing Percentage of the Vote From People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Go Wee Wee By Themselves, Let Alone Vote.

4. Ann Romney vs. Sarah Palin.  Topic:  Is it better to name your children so they will be mistaken for Ikea products, or for garment worker's jargon about things that can be sewn onto other things?  Co-moderators:  Zap Romney and Flupper Palin.

5.  Mitt Romney vs. Mitt Romney

6.  Elton John vs. Madonna on the topic of personal dignity.  This will be a short debate.

7.  My three-year-old vs. my five-year-old on the topic of you took my spot, no, YOU took MY spot.  This will not be an especially edifying or entertaining debate.  I just want you all to understand why I am the way I am.

and finally . . .

8.  Chris Todd, the man who tried to paddle his human hamster wheel across the Irish Sea and ended up losing his human hamster wheel and falling into the Irish Sea vs. You, The American Voter.  Topic:  Are we sure this is worth the trouble?