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The Archbold Foreboding

BY Pat Archbold

| Posted 8/17/10 at 1:34 AM

 

Boy this sounds bad. Have you heard of the Hindenburg Omen?  I never had until yesterday and I wish I never did.  Oh it sounds bad, real bad.  And it has just been triggered so stock up on beef jerky and Fruit Loops, its going to be a bumpy ride.

In a nutshell, the Hindenburg Omen is a complex set of financial indicators that when they occur are supposed to presage a complete collapse of the market.  As it turns out, all the criteria were satisfied last Thursday and thus the egg timer of doom has been set in motion.  And for all you doubters out there you should know that the Hindenburg Omen was created by a blind mathematician.  A blind mathematician!  You don’t get more serious and scary than that!

Anyway, since it seems we only have a month left before there are panicked runs on banks, grocery stores, and Cold Stone Creameries, I thought I should get into the eerily titled prognostication business before there is no future left to prognosticate about.  After all, the Hindenburg Omen is just the tip of the iceberg.

The Homosexual Harbinger

This theory goes that when a gay judge overturns the will of millions of people to satisfy his own personal agenda at the same time a gay flight attendant pops some brewskis on the way down the evacuation slide and a prominent conservative radio and TV host endorses gay marriage, then Rosie O’Donnell will get another television show.  If that doesn’t scare you, how about…

The Obama Denominator

This implausible hypothesis predicts that when the President endorses something he had no need to endorse only to sorta un-endorse it the next day when at the same time he is traveling to his fifth vacation in two months and his poll numbers hits 50 percent disapproval for first time, we will have exactly 887 more days of winter.  And this…

Death Panel Premonition

This theory holds that when on the same day that the President is flying around the country urging his constituents not to give into fear his administration rescinds approval of the world’s best selling cancer drug because it costs too much, thousands of people might die.

Some scary stuff.  Good thing none of this could ever really happen, right?