Culture of Life
Dr. Ray Guarendi tells why it’s not always wise to ask so many whys.
BY Dr. Ray Guarendi
March 18-24, 2007 Issue | Posted 3/13/07 at 10:00 AM
Every time I ask my 6-year-old, Joshua, why he did something, he answers, “I don’t know.” Is it possible he really doesn’t know why he does what he does?
I don’t know. But I do know that “Why did you do that?” or something similar is the most common brand of question parents ask kids. Ironically, it’s also the brand of question that gets the fewest answers. Your Joshua must be a pretty bright little guy, because he at least gives you an “I don’t know.” With most 6-year-olds, a typical exchange goes something like this:
Mom: “Sherlock, why on earth would you carve your initials into the aluminum siding one day after we put it up?”
Sherlock: Partial blank stare, as if to say: “What aluminum siding? What initials?”
Mom: “If you don’t know, who knows?”
Sherlock: Full blank stare, now directed toward his shoelaces.
Mom: “Were you mad because I made you stay inside yesterday? Do you want to be like Delbert, who does anything he pleases? Did you want to show me how well you can write cursive?”
Sherlock: Stunned silence.
Mom: “Sherlock, I’m so mad I can’t see straight. But if you give me one good reason for those initials, I’m not even going to punish you.”
Here’s the thing. If a first or second why gets no answers, whys three through 36 are likely to meet the same fate. So why, oh why, do we persist in asking? For a couple of reasons. One, a widely held parenting notion is that we must know why kids do what they do in order to change their behavior. Fortunately, that’s not true. You just can’t always figure out kids. And for most day-to-day mischief their motives aren’t fancy. They’re usually some combination of the big three: I felt like it. My friends do it. I thought I could get away with it.
The second reason for wanting the why is purely personal: It drives us crazy not to fathom the motive behind puzzling, unpredictable or just plain nutty behavior. We mistakenly assume that the psychologically savvy parents always understand their children.
Why do kids keep their reasons to themselves? Sometimes they really don’t know why they did what they did. Insight into one’s motives is a skill that comes with maturity. We adults don’t always possess it. Sometimes kids are embarrassed to admit what drove them (“I hit her because she sneezed”). Most often, silence is their best defense. You’re already so incensed over Joshua’s shaving the dog’s tail, he figures he’ll only compound his troubles by giving you his childish reason. At the most merciful, he’ll be shot at sunrise. A standard kid motto is: When discipline is looming, don’t admit to anything.
Certainly you can ask why once or twice. But, if no response is forthcoming, my advice is to drop the interrogation. Let Joshua know that it would be in his best interest to supply some method to his madness — it may provide mitigating circumstances — but you’re not planning to haul out the bright lights to wrench it out of him.
With a 6-year-old, a more fruitful question to ask is: What did you do? Besides being an easier question for him to answer, it’s an easier question for you to answer. You know what he did. You can see the spray paint on the garage walls. Can you be so sure of yourself with why questions? To be sure, some kids won’t even answer, “What did you do?” Instead, they plead, “I didn’t do anything.” He’s lived in your house for six years and not once has he ever done anything.
A second question to ask is “What happens when you do that?” or “What should we do about that?” Of course, Josh is thinking to himself, “What do you mean ‘we’? You aren’t going to lose TV for a week. You aren’t going to help me scrub the garage walls.”
The point you’re making is that there will be consequences for such behavior, even if neither of you understand the behavior. Placing consequences on irresponsible, nasty or destructive doings is generally more important, and easier, than getting a youngster to identify his motives.
There’s a bright side to not knowing why. Sometimes we’re better off in the dark, because our kids’ motives scare us, confuse us further or really make us mad. As my mom used to warn me, “Don’t tell me why. I’m upset enough already!”
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