Tread Lightly on Poundage Problem

My wife has become overweight to the point where I am deeply concerned about her health and her ability to care for our children. I tiptoe around the subject because I don’t know how to help her without hurting her feelings. What can I do?

We’re reminded of the old tip never to talk about someone’s religion or politics for fear of causing offense. Weight should probably be added to that list — ahead of the other two.

This is a really common problem, but it is the proverbial “burned casserole.” A typical man is hesitant to bring up this topic for two reasons. First, he fears his wife will think he is shallow and doesn’t love her for who she is. Second, he believes the blow to his wife’s self-image, which may already be suffering, could prove irreparable.

As we see it, the man who holds his tongue because of these two concerns has made a wise choice. Even though you know you love her unconditionally and want only the best for her, any words you speak may backfire. She may even realize that you are not shallow and are only trying to help. Still, your words, no matter how positive, no matter how encouraging, are likely to be taken as a criticism of her very person. Naturally, that would hurt her deeply.

Also, no matter how positively and gently you express your concern, it is quite possible she will mentally boil it down to, “He thinks I am fat and unattractive.” This makes her feel bad, it makes you feel bad, and nothing changes.

But, one might ask, couldn’t words of encouragement help motivate her to do something positive about her problem? Two responses to this: First, even encouraging words will be taken negatively, given the topic. And second, in a word, No.

Why won’t words help? The truth is simple. You aren’t telling her anything she hasn’t thought of 10,000 times before. Her appearance, her health, her ability to keep up with her marital and motherly duties — all those things are just as apparent to her as they are to you.

Depending on how self-conscious she is, she may become defensive if you broach the subject. This will make her less likely to take action, not more. For a person to be successful in losing weight, or changing any kind of habit for the long term, he or she must be self-motivated. Not selfish, mind you, but motivated from within. External pressures will, at best, result in temporary success designed to placate you.

Only if she makes the decision herself to do something about her health will she  take full ownership of her problem. Only then will she have a chance at lasting change.

Having said that, just because we don’t think you should say anything doesn’t mean there isn’t anything you can do, or that you can’t communicate honestly. Far from it. In next month’s Family Matters, we’ll talk about what you — and she — can do.

The McDonalds are family-life coordinators for the Diocese of Mobile, Alabama.