My husband is a great Catholic man, but I’m increasingly resentful of his many activities. I’m glad he attends Bible studies, men’s groups and retreats. On the other hand, some nights I just need him here to help more with our four young children. I hesitate to protest, because I don’t want to be an ogre.

Tom: We understand your struggle. You want your husband to receive support for his spiritual life, and I’m sure you’re grateful that he’s a man of faith. But the fact remains that his primary vocation is to be a husband and father, so something is out of whack if all these spiritual activities are getting in the way of living out that vocation.

You “hesitate to protest,” so we’re wondering if he even knows how you’re feeling. Take it from me: Most men are clueless about things like this and need it spelled out for them. You may be saying, “Yes, go ahead,” while sending him lots of non-verbal clues that you’re really not happy about it — sighs, a grumpy disposition, that disappointed look — but all your husband hears is the “Yes” part. He may need you to clearly articulate how you feel.

For years, Caroline resisted telling me what she wanted from me. She thought her needs were obvious and that I should be able to anticipate her feelings. That was silly of her. I really did want to help, but I wasn’t capable of merely intuiting what she was hoping. Once she opened up with me, I was glad for the direction.

 

Caroline: As a wife who has tried both, I can state with some authority that there is a productive and a destructive way to express your needs. The wrong way is to proceed as I once did, holding in all my frustrations until one day, over something as insignificant as laundry, my long list came spewing forth on my unsuspecting husband.

Needless to say, this really didn’t help our relationship.

A better way is to calmly tackle one issue at a time when it arises. Avoid accusative absolutes like, “You always leave me with the kids” or “You never help around here.” Such statements are exaggerations. They serve only to put your husband on the defensive. Instead, say, “I’m so overwhelmed and tired; do you think you could be here more in the evenings to help me put the kids to bed?” Or “I’m proud of you for taking your spiritual life seriously, but when you leave us four times a week, I struggle with resentment and feel like those activities are more important than us.”

I also find that my husband responds well to specifics. Saying, “I need help around here” isn’t enough. What exactly could your husband do? “Honey, while I nurse the baby, it would really help me if you could bathe the other kids and get them in their pajamas.” Or “I’d love it so much if you could do the dishes for me, please.” And lots of thanks and praise will encourage and inspire him to do more.

It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to give up everything, but perhaps together you could prioritize which activities are the most important and then stick with the top few. Then cheerfully support him in those activities (whether you’re tired that night or not), remembering that he is making the sacrifice to give up some of those meetings — while you’re making the sacrifice to let him go.
 

Tom and Caroline McDonald are family-life directors for the

Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.