It is not uncommon today to find faithful men and women who treasure their Catholic faith at odds with their adult children who have drifted away from the Church.
Not only does it make holiday family gatherings more stressful, but it creates conflicts when, as grandparents, they welcome new members of the family at birth.
As a pastor, I see these painful scenarios regularly played out. It would help grandparents if they understand some basic teachings of the Church about baptism of their grandchildren, because sometimes well-intentioned grandparents violate the Church’s teachings about baptism without even realizing it.
What joy to welcome the birth of a grandchild.
So many dreams are fulfilled, and each new baby brings great hope to the entire family. Yet what are grandparents to do when their son or daughter does not want to baptize his or her child?
Grandparents know that the parents are depriving the grandchild of the most necessary of graces, failing to direct the newborn to his or her supernatural end.
After conversations fail to bear immediate fruit, some grandparents are tempted to secretly baptize the grandchild without the consent of the parents. However, grandparents need to know that this practice is contrary to the law of the Church and sinful.
The Code of Canon Law states, "For an infant to be baptized lawfully, it is required that the parents, or at least one of them, or the person who lawfully holds their place, give their consent" (868).
In his Summa Theologiae, St. Thomas Aquinas explains that parents are, by the natural law, responsible for their children, and "it would be contrary to natural justice if such children were baptized against their parents’ will" (III, q. 68, a. 10).
Under normal circumstances, no one, not even a grandparent, has the right to baptize a child contrary to the parents’ will.
Not only would the baptism by a grandparent be a violation of the natural law, but, as St. Thomas writes, "Under the circumstances, it would be dangerous to baptize the children of unbelievers; for they would be liable to lapse into unbelief by reason of their natural affection for their parents."
The danger here is failing to bring the grace of baptism to fruition. For this reason, the Code of Canon Law explains the requirement "that there be the well-founded hope that the child will be brought up in the Catholic religion. If such hope is truly lacking, the baptism is, in accordance with the provisions of particular law, to be deferred" (868).
The only exception to this law would be if the child is in danger of death. Canon law states, "An infant of Catholic parents, indeed even of non-Catholic parents, is lawfully baptized in danger of death, even if the parents are opposed to it."
If death is near, the salvation of the child’s soul then prevails over the rights of the parents.
There is also an issue of honesty here. Grandparents who secretly baptize their grandchildren without the consent of the parents are being deceptive, willfully deceiving the parents.
What will happen some years later if the grandchild finally comes for baptism, either through the parents’ consent or as an adult? The grandparents will need to explain that the baptism has already occurred some years before.
The parents will rightfully feel betrayed, only beginning another painful conflict in the family.
It should also be noted that, according to canon law, "The ordinary minister of baptism is a bishop, a priest or a deacon" (861) and that the pastor, by his office, has jurisdiction of all baptisms within his territory (530, 862).
A layperson who baptizes without the permission of the local pastor violates this law. Although the Code of Canon Law does make provision for cases "of necessity" for a layperson to baptize, a strong desire by grandparents is not one of them.
For all of these reasons (natural law, the proper formation in the faith, honesty, proper jurisdiction) the Church teaches that outside of the danger of death or a special permission granted for particular pastoral needs, it is sinful for a layperson (such as a grandparent) to baptize someone. St. Thomas Aquinas states, "If a layman were to baptize outside a case of urgency, he would sin" (III, q. 67, a. 3).
According to the Handbook of Moral Theology by Dominican Father Dominic Prummer, the administration of baptism without the permission of the parish priest or ordinary "is a grave violation of that person’s rights." Moral Theology by Franciscan Heribert Jone states, "Apart from the case of necessity, it is mortally sinful to baptize without at least the presumed permission of the pastor."
The deferral of baptism until a later time can be quite difficult for Catholic grandparents to accept, knowing the necessity of baptism for salvation. Nonetheless, the grandparents must pray and trust that, in due time, their prayers will be answered, taking St. Monica as their example.
As a priest, I have known a number of people who as adults were brought back to the Catholic faith through the good example and counsel of their grandparents, even after the grandparents have died.
The Lord sees all the great sacrifices that grandparents have made for the faith and will reward accordingly; for the Lord shows "steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments" (Exodus 20:6).
Father Greg Markey is
pastor of St. Mary Church
in Norwalk, Connecticut,
in the Diocese of Bridgeport.
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god is good
I find myself in the reverse, where I have drawn closer to the faith as an adult, whereas my parents have slipped away… Prayers for all who have strayed that they might one day come back to Mother Church.
Still, it is better to baptize the child if in doubt on the state of necessity and repent later than let the child possibly die unbaptized.
My suggestion: Do what my grandparents did. Pray, give a good example, answer questions honestly, and be patient. And pray some more.
Thank you for this guidance, Father. I recently experienced a similar situation where I (a 40-ish father of 5 and practicing Catholic) was pressured to serve as Godfather to my sister’s new baby. Unfortunately, my sister had not only not been to Mass in years (except Christmas), but she was actively hostile to my wife’s and my practice of our faith in recent weeks. (E.g., making rude remarks when saying grace at family gatherings).
The basic issue was that she and I had different understanding of a godparent’s obligations. After discussing it with my sister and telling her that I understood my role as a godparent was to ensure that the child be raised in the faith…she realized that she actually didn’t want someone who would take her child to Mass, CCD, sacraments, etc., if she wouldn’t do so herself. She recognized that I wasn’t the kind of godparent she had in mind.
Unfortunately, she and my parents had a very simplistic view of baptism as a rite of passage, rather than being a sacrament and what that entails. Things have simmered down recently, but it’s a sad situation to have to tell someone no because of lack of understanding.
Thank for an excellent article. As a grandparent trusting in the Lord for the sacrament of baptism and His greater plan this is an excellent counter to the many who encourage me to take this step upon myself (yes, even priests).
This shows how it is vital for all Catholics to endeavour to understand our Catholic Faith. We should not just rely on the Sunday Sermons. It behoves each one of us to make a point to use every means possible to study learn and understand our Catholic Faith.
The law does make provisions for cases “of necessity” for a lay person to baptize.
This statment makes many excuses to baptize to one’s belief.
My son-in-law baptized his child after birth in the hospital.
When I asked him, why, His reply, baptizing by the priest was too much of red tapes, formally, etc and etc.
Question - Was the baptizm valid
Grandparent
Fr. Markey I noticed in your article on Baptism you say “some grandparents are tempted to secretly baptize the grandchild without the consent of the parents.” And also, “Grandparents who secretly baptize their grandchildren without the consent of the parents are being deceptive, willfully deceiving the parents.” Can you clarify for me, does the Church allow then for the Baptism of a grandchild as long as the grandparent has permission from the parents? Even if the parents themselves do not practice their faith?
Thank you
God bless you
Donna
I have a family member that is a Catholic convert, having converted after he married his wife 15+ years ago, a life-time Catholic. While they go to Mass, and are raising their young children to be “Catholic”, they are very liberal, and even think same sex marriage is fine. I think the BIG problem is that their Authority is not Scripture. In fact, the Bible is almost disregarded by this couple, and instead, they do what “feels right”, and what “sounds right” to the world. They are not being taught right and wrong in church.
In discussions with this couple, it reminded me of a converstation I had just this morning, when I tried to encourage an elderly Knight of Columbus to read the Bible. Although the man is very conservative, and seems to have formed a good moral conscience (unlike the couple I mentioned above) this man said, “Well, the Bible is just a book that was written over many years, and by flawed men.” I was shocked to hear that from a Catholic. I told him even the Vatican says the Bible is Holy Spirit-inspired, and it is encouraged that we read the Bible for the Year of Faith.
I told him that 40 different human authors and one source of inspiration is similar to having 40 different sailboats at sea, each carried away by the same wind (so there are 40 different authors, but only One Divine Author that inspired them, one source of power), and what they wrote does NOT contradict itself, rather, it is like one large puzzle, and each author had a different perspective (or a different puzzle piece) to put the whole picture together, in perfect unity.
For instance, I was facing the church kitchen, and he was facing the church dining hall. From his perpective, he may see his wife walk by outside. But at that time, I was watching a man cutting donuts in half. So if both of us reported what we saw, we would both be correct.
Neither of us would be contradicting each other. We would just be seeing different parts of the same event. I told him this is how the men that wrote the Bible were inspired, and what they wrote about. One Author, and each were writing about the same events, but in their own manner and from different perspectives. But truth is Truth. The message remains the same. That is key.
What else can we do to encourage Catholics to READ, UNDERSTAND, and have respect for Scripture? If my family members had more respect for the Bible, and for its Authority, I’m sure they would see the light. I hope I caused the Knight of Columbus this morning to think.
The Bible is to be used to “correct, to teach and reproof”; it is living and active and sharper than a two-edged sword. The Bible is like a mirror. With the presence of the Holy Spirit residing inside of us, we don’t read the Bible, the Bible reads *us*.
Father, you speak of the necessity of baptism for salvation. What do you think happens to unbaptized and aborted babies?
Thank you for this, Father.
I know many people my age who are now new grandparents and who mourn that their new grandchild has not been baptized and that they do not believe that the parents will ever have them baptized.
But, I see clearly now that to Baptize the child without consent is not the right thing to do no matter how much the grandparents desire it.
On a practical note, friends of mine suffered this disappointment with 2 of their son’s children. Their son’s wife was also non-baptized and they thought that the situation was hopeless. After years of prayer, out of the blue, their daughter-in-law came into the church and had both children baptized also! My friends, the grandparents, called it a miracle!
Now, can you write about children who do not get married in the Church- another great heartache.
Oh for heavens sake!“The parents are depriving the child of the most neccessary graces, failing to direct the child to his or her supernatural end” A child comes into the world, loved unconditionally by God. What else is needed. REALLY?????? Quit hanging guilt trips on parents etc. It is hard enough on parents to raise children knowing and remembering this awesome truth of their belovedness by God, without hanging guilt trips as soon as the baby arrives. Baptism should be a celelbration of this love,not a forboding ...if you dont do this….this will happen…..and by the way grandparents, the child is not DEPRIVED of any graces with such unconditional love happening. If your adult child votes against baptism ask if you can have a celelbration party in which parents and grandparents and relatives can call down God’s blessings on the events and experiences that will bring more and more love into the family now because of this wonderful new gift of life. from a grandparent !
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