Q

All year our son complained about his elementary-school teacher and, frankly, we too had some concerns about the way he handled his classroom; we just never knew the right way to address the issue. What is the best way to approach the situation with the school in the future?

A

Tom:

As former teachers ourselves, we know how touchy a problem this can be for any parent.

Before even getting down to whether the teacher is in the right or not, it is vital that Mom and Dad present a united front with their child's teacher. Back up the teachers, whether you like them or not! Veteran parents know how important this is when it comes to Mom and Dad: Children quickly learn how to play one off the other when they sense disagreement. The same goes for the teacher-parent relationship. If your child sees that you will side with him instead of the teacher, that teacher's authority in the classroom is lost and, frankly, he or she won't be able to do much to help your child for the rest of the year.

But what if the teacher really is in the wrong? Of course teachers are human beings and will not handle every student perfectly every time. The point is that parents must work out the disagreement privately and keep the child out of it. Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and calmly ask him or her to explain the situation.

Caroline:

A principal for whom we once worked announced to the parents at the beginning of every year, “Don't believe everything your children say about us, and we won't believe everything they say about you!” Wise advice. Children can be master spin artists. A parent upset about the amount of math homework Junior has and the lack of sleep he's getting may be surprised to learn that the teacher gives the students 15 minutes at the end of every class to start on their homework, but Junior chooses to play around. Rather than bad-mouthing the teacher's unrealistic expectations, a simple phone call could clear things up. If a conversation with the teacher doesn't resolve things to your satisfaction, a meeting with the principal may be necessary. This amounts to following the model set out by Jesus in Matthew 18.

Also, don't forget to pray for your child's teacher. This will help you to form a cooperative and positive frame of mind. And it will actually benefit the teacher! Always remember, teachers don't choose their professions because they enjoy inflicting misery on children. (Ask them —the pay is too low and the work too demanding.) The teachers we know stick with it because they have a genuine love for young people and want to help them. In our book, anyone who teaches long-term is on the way to sainthood. Of course, they aren't perfect, so let's pray for them and see them as our allies.

Tom and Caroline McDonald are Co-Directors of the Family Life Office for the Archdiocese of Mobile.