Q When we were dating, my future husband was very romantic and attentive to my needs. Now, after a few years of marriage and children, he seems to have put that part of his personality out to pasture. He is a wonderful father and a man of God. I just wish we could rekindle the flame we once had.

A Tom: This is a struggle even the healthiest marriages routinely face. First, let's affirm what seems to be overwhelmingly right: Your husband loves his children and lives his faith. You aren't questioning his commitment to you, so all the foundational ingredients of a Christ-centered relationship are in place. Your fundamentally sound marital engine hasn't thrown a rod; it just needs a tuneup.

To make progress in this area, let's be clear about the nature of men — myself included. For all our inventiveness and rationality, we guys can be fundamentally dim when it comes to noticing the little things that make a relationship tick. The same guy who innately knows the names of the starting quarterbacks for every NFL team may not notice that you've gotten a drastic haircut. This isn't because he doesn't care; his brain is wired to be slower on the uptake. But, if you ask if he likes your hair, rather than waiting for him to notice and moping if he doesn't, he'll snap to attention and compliment you (hopefully) on the new look.

In other words, men who love their wives will respond to clear cues. If you want your husband to be romantic the way he once was, give him clear, specific reminders about what it is that makes you feel special. If you wait for him to pick up on nonverbal signals, you may be waiting until doomsday.

Speaking on behalf of otherwise intelligent, yet romantically slow-witted men, I urge you to spell it out for him. Give him an opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Caroline: It's tempting to say, “I shouldn't have to ask for a romantic card. He should think of these things on his own!” Maybe so, but that mind-set gets you nowhere. I speak from firsthand experience. A few special occasions slipped by, and I was disappointed and hurt by the lack of fanfare. Finally I explained that anniversaries, birthdays and even Valentine's Days are important to me — I'd like him to make a big fuss about them. And did he ever, once I mentioned it. The very next special occasion I was greeted with flowers and clues for a treasure hunt to find gifts around the house. He simply needed to know.

A caution to wives: Presentation is everything. Stay positive. If you're disappointed that you didn't receive flowers after your last baby, don't gripe about it now with this pregnancy. That serves only to put him on the defensive and make him feel bad about himself. Instead, drop an obvious clue: “After 17 hours of labor, I'd love to be checked into a hospital room overflowing with roses.” Praise him to the hilt when he follows through. He'll feel great that he's made you so happy and will want to do it again.

The McDonalds are directors of family life for the Archdiocese of

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