"Maybe it’s time to stop being so picky."
On the list of well-intentioned remarks married friends and relatives make to single Catholics, that sentiment is among the most oft expressed. It’s also among the most misguided.
At least, it can be … depending on what people mean by "picky."
If they’re telling us to throw out the list we’ve been carrying around since high school, enumerating all the qualities we want in a spouse, then they’re right.
If, however, they mean we need to lower our standards, then they couldn’t be more wrong.
What’s the difference?
Lists are what we take to the grocery store. They remind us to buy garlic, eggs and chicken. They’re helpful when shopping for food. Less so when dating.
You see, although we may think we could only be happy with a man who’s six-feet tall, looks like Tom Welling, reads C.S. Lewis and goes to daily Mass (or a woman who’s 5-feet-2-inches tall, looks like Brooklyn Decker and prays like Mother Teresa), God probably thinks otherwise. He knows what we need far better than we do, and what we need rarely matches up with items on a checklist.
That’s the problem with lists. People are more than the sum of their parts, and reducing them to a list of qualities can confuse us about what we want and blind us to what we need.
Standards, however, are a different matter. Like lists, standards come in handy when grocery shopping. They tell us not to buy moldy garlic, rotten eggs or hormone-laden chicken breasts. That’s what standards do. They help us evaluate the quality of what we’re seeing.
The same holds true in dating. Standards are what help us assess whether or not the potential mates we meet are capable of becoming good and loving spouses.
That’s why standards are non-negotiable. That’s also why they’re universal. In other words, all Catholic singles — men and women — should have the same set of standards and hold fast to them. At least we should if a happy, holy marriage is what we’re after.
And what are those standards?
First, the would-be mate should understand that love means never asking someone to commit a mortal sin. More specifically, they must be up for saying Yes to chastity and No to contraception.
Second, they should be willing to raise children in the Catholic faith and grow in love and virtue alongside us.
Does this mean we can only date people who can quote the Summa?
Hardly.
But it does mean we can only date people who respect our faith, admire us for our beliefs, and are at least open to learning more about Catholicism and practicing it themselves. Simply being okay with the fact that we go to Mass on Sundays is not enough.
Beyond that?
Well, honesty is important. So is kindness, fidelity and the ability to work hard. Attraction matters (although a person needn’t be a model to meet that requirement). Compatibility matters, too: There should be genuine interest in the other and the ability to enjoy one another’s company.
And that’s pretty much it. Nothing unreasonable or fancy there.
Unfortunately, finding people who meet those standards isn’t all that easy anymore. Hence, why so many Catholics now find themselves reluctantly single.
But compromising standards is never the answer. For the last half century, that’s exactly what people have done. And the results? Wounded women. Wounded men. Wounded marriages. Wounded culture.
Healing those wounds depends upon grace. Preventing more wounds depends upon faithful singles planting our flags in the sand and refusing to compromise what we know to be right.
Easy? No. Necessary? Yes.
Because until more singles start expecting more, less is all most people will get.
Emily Stimpson is the author of
The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years.
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“Unfortunately, finding people who meet those standards isn’t all that easy anymore. Hence, why so many Catholics now find themselves reluctantly single.”
Yes, but if there are a lot of good qualit single Catholcs out there, then shouldn’t they be finding each other? I think part of the problem is in our materialistic culture, we have lost sight of what the goods of marriage are, and we postpone those goods in hopes of a better life from a material standpoint.
Another problem is that our civic leaders are not supporting marriage, while just about everything that weakens or destroys marriage is supported. There have been people such as St. Rita and Blessed Anna Maria Taigi who might be said to have been married to “difficult” spouses. It is interesting to read about their lives and how they lived their marriage.
I agree it is all about standards. I’ve been waiting for a woman who would not purposely lead me to Hell for over 25 years. I don’t want to compromise. I have compromised in the past, and it has left me scarred. In my experiences, I haven’t met any available women outside these following categories: Either I meet a pretty woman who happens to be a militant Feminist and who revels in her promiscuity, or a virtuous, yet homely woman as big as a barn, or a devout single woman who is beyond child bearing age, or a woman who seems attractive at first glance, but careful examination reveals a severe lack of reasonable socialization (I’m talking about frequent public embarrassment, folks). I don’t think any of the Catholic dating sites (yes, even the one you’re thinking of mentioning to me…I’ve tried them all) are any better than the non-Christian dating ones. However, I believe the problem is greater than an apparent shortage of eligible Catholic singles: our culture is in decline, and it’s only going to get worse for successive generations.
Your standards make sense. Your potential mate s/b someone you can pray with, and discuss both your religion and how each of you feel about children. Of course if you are bot over 45, the possibility of children recedes.
TeaPot562
Amen to this timely article! I was just on Relevant Radio last week on Drew Mariani. I told the audience I was never going to marry unless my fiance was faithful Catholic or converted. I did not care if he was rich or handsome, but I wasn’t going to compromise on faith. After 28 years of a happy marriage, I still get remonstrated by people who think I shouldn’t have insisted on my husband’s conversion. Curious attitude, isn’t it? What is more important than desiring salvation for your spouse?
What if you are 5-feet 3 inches, pray like Mother Theresa, sing like angel, hold a PhD, and look 1000 times better as Brooklyn Decker but still nobody is inteste in you?????
Emily, what you write here makes a lot of sense and is refreshing and affirming! Thanks for making the distinction between “lists” and “standards”. As a Catholic single who would like to marry a Catholic man, I’ve been told by at least one Catholic gentleman that my standards are too high: The expectation of going to Mass every Sunday, to pray, to crack open the Bible on occasion, and to follow the Church’s teachings exactly as you mention in your article. The thing is, these are the standards that God holds all of us to, no matter our marital status or socioeconomic background! Thanks for encouraging us singles to never lower our standards! It is better to stay single than to lower our standards.
Very good article, especially the part about compatibility, common interests and enjoying each other’s company. I’ve met people who think I should marry anybody with good values and faith. No way.
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Awesome piece.
As a single guy, surrounded by tons of couples and friends who are dating and marrying, I constantly remind myself that it is worth it to wait. And I pray she does too.
Never surrender. Because anything or anyone worth it, is worth fighting for.
Wonderful article, I will be downloading her book. It is such a struggle to see the society we live in force us to conform to escape loneliness. It’s hard to be good and follow God’s plan, but its the only thing that can save us from heartache and emptiness. Thank you!
good article.
I wish i would have understood this years ago before I started dating my spouse.
Sometimes our lists are a list of standards. I have in mind a list of qualities I’m looking for in a husband. They are how I would want my sons(if I should be blessed with any)to treat women. The best example they will have will be their Father. How can I teach my sons one thing while their Father does another? I’m not looking for Superman just a real Gentleman that is Catholic. What’s wrong with that?
Bravo!!
Exactly. My holding those standards is not unreasonable. It’s just very unlikely I’ll ever find it - but it’s not unreasonable.
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So far, I’m 42 and still haven’t found it.
Interestingly, when I talk with married folks at church and suggest that they surely have brothers-in-law and cousins that they could introduce me to… the response is always, “Yes, I have a brother, but I wouldn’t wish him on you.”
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I guess I be single until the day I die. Because I just can’t imagine a happy marriage without shared faith, fidelity, kindness and submission to God.
I was single in my late 30s and always drew “awwww” responses as I walked to and from Mass with my four young sons. No ring on my hand. (Valid annulment after being horribly deceived and spending years trying to make a good marriage of it.) Very active in things with kids. Wore my full military uniform to Mass on Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day.
Do you know how many single women made the effort to introduce themselves?
ZERO.
Congratulations, ladies, for staying chaste and having high standards. I salute you and did similarly after my annulment.
But this attitude that “he has to make the first move” is killing your chances of meeting a great, faithful man. You need to be bold and say “Hi” occassionally.
And STOP STOP STOP dating non-Catholics! My (now and one-and-only) wife who I married a year ago wasted 15 years “casting pearls before swine” dating non-Catholics. SURPRISE! All they wanted was fast sex and had no respect for her being Catholic.
And she gained some VERY bad habits from dating non-Catholics.
LADIES: Go up to that cute guy who is paying attention to the homily, and say “Hi”. And if he has a bunch of well-behaved little kids, don’t shy away. He’s likely to be MORE than happy to have a few more with a good, chaste (and ready to be rewarded for it in marriage) lady who loves him, is devoted, and is ready to rip his close off and rock his world behind closed doors once they are married.
Don’t make guys like me work so hard to find you, ok?
Really surprised there are no comments on this article.
Methinks the system is down.
This is for the man who replied to the thread and had four kids. You have me laugh out loud and stare at your response more than once. Your words give me courage and I think others are inspired as well. I’m going out on a limb here because I would love to chat sigh you. If you this I’m the woman who said I will be downloading this book to read it. My name is Paola and my email is .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). So there I’m saying Hi.
Love this article, Emily! You always tell it like it is.
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