“Would Mother Mary put Jesus in day care?” This is the sobering question Dorothy Pilarski, Catholic mother, writer, television personality and speaker, has contemplated in her search for meaning and purpose in the vocation of motherhood in the modern world. She hopes mothers who read her new book, Motherhood Matters, will begin to think about their lives and whether they are embracing their vocation as mothers or escaping it.
“I’m not against working women, but I am saying: Pray about it,” says Pilarski, who lives outside Toronto, Ontario, with her husband and two children. “What messages are we sending to our children by the choices we’re making in our lives? Are you working so you can have a beautiful Martha Stewart home, to indulge or self-titillate your talent? Are you trying to get away from your children, or are you working for real needs of the family?”
This discussion is in the news of late, given recent comments made about the choice of Ann Romney, the wife of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, to stay at home and raise her children. Catholic mother and blogger Rachel Campos-Duffy of CatholicVote.org discussed moms who work at home on CNN, for example.
Younger women today are embracing the notion of staying home with their kids more so than older generations, and they don’t worry that their college degrees are wasting away as they take care of their children, Duffy told the Register.
“I see a real appreciation of motherhood in my generation,” says the author of Stay Home, Stay Happy: 10 Secrets to Loving At-Home Motherhood. “A lot of women my age were lonely latch-key kids in the ’70s and ’80s who wished their moms were home with a snack and had the time to hear about their day. My generation didn’t have to fight to get into the boardroom. The door was wide open. Our dilemma is: Do we actually want to be there? Or would we rather savor the pleasures of motherhood and offer our offspring the gift of a truly present mommy?”
She adds that the recent comment by Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen about Mrs. Romney being a stay-at-home mom raised a ruckus among younger generations of women, who have a much different attitude about it than the “old guard”: “The new guard sees a valuable contribution in motherhood.”
In this month dedicated to Mary — May — it is appropriate to reflect on what Mary can teach mothers as the Mother of God. At a general audience in 1995, Pope John Paul II noted, “The figure of Mary reminds women today of the value of motherhood.”
The year before, in his “Letter to Families,” the late Pope noted, “It is important to emphasize how important and burdensome is the work women do within the family unit: That work should be acknowledged and deeply appreciated. The ‘toil’ of a woman who, having given birth to a child, nourishes and cares for that child and devotes herself to its upbringing, particularly in the early years, is so great as to be comparable to any professional work. Motherhood, because of all the hard work it entails, should be recognized as giving the right to financial benefits at least equal to those of other kinds of work undertaken in order to support the family during such a delicate phase of its life.”
Pilarski is committed to motherhood, but she is no stranger to the corporate world. She was an international corporate speaker and training consultant for clients like Coca-Cola. She writes in her book’s introduction that she knows what it feels like to succeed in business, travel, get big checks and bonuses, appear on television and get lots of recognition. But she also knows what it feels like to be “chewed up, used, spit out and ‘right-sized.’” She recalls having to cut short her honeymoon, having only three days to attend her father’s funeral in Poland, and sacrificing her personal life and well-being for the corporation.
“Some women consider motherhood their calling; to others, it’s considered a sacrificial life. But getting up at 5am to drop off your child so you can be at a board meeting: Isn’t that a sacrifice? Why aren’t we mad about the sacrifices we’re making for the corporation? We put up with those sacrifices and we don’t resent them because we’re getting money,” she says. “At the same time, we may be cutting our hearts off from the very real needs of our children. It’s important to remember there is nothing like a mother’s love. Perhaps our hearts have to be purified, our priorities re-thought.”
Pilarski, who blogs at GutsyCatholicMom.blogspot.com, often thinks about what it means to “mother” and the real time it takes for mothering: to feed, clothe, encourage, teach and nurture children, to accompany them to appointments and on field trips, to have an orderly house, to prepare nutritious meals, to pray as a family, etc. She discusses these issues with a mothers group that she formed to help encourage other mothers in their vocation. Her book is a collection of reflections, letters, poems and prayers that she has written or compiled for other women over the span of 16 years. Motherhood Matters was nominated as one of the best five Catholic books published in 2011 by About.com.
The book was written to affirm women who are staying at home but feel criticized or misunderstood, she says, and also for women who are pursuing their careers with a type of blind determinism but who may be living a life that they might regret later. She also coordinates an annual Dynamic Women of Faith Conference to connect, inspire and encourage women in their Catholic faith and vocational call, which, for some, may be in the workplace, where God wants them to use their gifts.
“It’s a complex issue. The biggest, most important thing is to have a vital prayer life and a lively sacramental life and follow the whispers in your heart,” Pilarski says. “Then we can trust that we’re doing God’s will. I think a lot of women aren’t listening to the promptings of their heart.”
The struggle for women is gargantuan, agrees Mary Ann Kuharski, pro-life Catholic speaker and author of four books on family and parenting, including Outnumbered! Raising 13 Kids With Humor and Prayer. As she says, “My recommendation (to women) is: Be good at being a mom and a wife first.”
Author, mother of four and Register correspondent Marge Fenelon has just released a new book, Strengthening Your Family: A Catholic Approach to Holiness at Home, to help families grow in holiness at a time when it is most needed.
“If we don’t enable and ennoble the family, we’re going to be in for a rough ride as a society,” says Fenelon. “This is not a pie-in-the-sky goal. It can be done.”
Her book was born out of the work that she and her husband, Mark, have been doing to educate and assist in the formation of young couples through the Schoenstatt Family Federation.
“The book is meant to encourage and inspire parents of all ages,” says Fenelon. “My hope is that every family can see in themselves a potential holy family, and it’s never too late, even if you have completely grown kids.”
New Catholic mom Stephanie Wood Weinert and former EWTN radio host who now blogs at LittleBitofParadise.wordpress.com recently wrote, “Motherhood has changed me forever and blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever done. Troubleshooting control-room equipment in the final 90 seconds before a live radio show or interviewing a famous/difficult guest with a 100 million people listening in was a cake walk compared to keeping bear cubs fed, changed and happy. But I wouldn’t trade my boys [she and her husband have two sons under age 2] for the world.”
Arwen Mosher, a young mother of 11-month-old twins and a 3- and 5-year-old in Ann Arbor, Mich., always planned on staying home with her children, which her husband supported. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to be doing this. It’s my particular call to do this work,” she says. “I don’t think every woman would be happiest doing things this way. Part of the vocational process is to figure out what works for you, and, of course, financial concerns play into it. We didn’t have to make a lot of sacrifices because we’re used to living on one income. When you get up to four kids, I would have to have a really good job to actually make a profit after child care.”
Mosher, who writes a blog and contributes to the Faith & Family Live website, knows many moms who are fulfilled by full-time motherhood. “It would be a lot better if society in general valued the vocation of motherhood more, no matter what combination of work and home that is.”
Barb Ernster writes from
Fridley, Minnesota.
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The concept that one would work “to indulge or self-titillate your talent” is a bit ridiculous. God gave us different talents and COMMANDS us to use them. What kind of world would we live in if all women stayed at home with their children? That’s right, the men would be in charge of everything, and if anyone knows anything about complementarity, you would see how important it is to have women in the workforce. First of all, some women are not making enough money to do so (and don’t say that you just have to make sacrifices…..I know people who already do and still barely make enough for basics such as food and rent). Second, some women have distinct talents that help so many others, like female OB-GYNs.
I think that our role as mothers definitely comes first, but that doesn’t necessitate to close off to other possibilities that God has for each of us.
Agnes, thank you very much for taking the time to comment on the article. I would like to reassure you that I have seen many women work “to indulge or self titillate.” Many women have decided NOT to have children for this very reason. Take a look at someone like Oprah. Very talented, many gifts, and she affects millions of lives. Has God called her to do what she is doing? Would it have been better for her to marry and have children? I don’t know, I will never be her judge. How about two professionals that have it ALL. Literally…. the big house, the two cars, the extraordinary trips, and both of them are very good at what they do. They make tons of money. They have one child and put it in a day care? Yes, God commands us to use our talents, but not to be a slave them either. God is calling us to live in union with His will. Please know that this article is NOT suggesting that all women stay at home with their children. The spirit of the article is suggesting that as women we have the God given FREEDOM to weave in and out of the workforce based on what God is calling us to do. I know many professionals, (doctors included) who have made different decisions. Some pursue the bigger houses with their professions, some leave their professions to stay at home and mother their own children, others practice law, medicine, architecture, accounting out of their homes part time and revolve their professional lives around their families rather than vice versa. Agnes, please know that I have met thousands of women through my work. The intention with both Motherhood Matters and this article is to get women thinking….. What if after all those years away from ones children, one has MISSED the best years of their life? My intention is to get women THINKING and PRAYING. I don’t think you can argue with that.
Dear Agnes,
Your tone seems unable to see the value of what Dorothy is sharing.
There is truly value in what she says, not because it is Dorothy, but because it is how God imprinted on each woman to bear children and nurture them. Dorothy is simply a voice in the wilderness calling women back to their true God-given nature.
This topic of mothering is deep and personal for most women. It brings to the surface pain, regret and thus defensiveness, justifications and explanations. Not only that, but if you are blinded by the world’s values (and this might be so subtle you may not be aware that you bought into it) that women matter more in the work place, YOU will find what Dorothy says difficult to understand much less embrace. Staying home with children is a sacrifice. The world will not applaud, but God will be praised!
Honestly God gave me the talent to organize and lead and a few others. And thus I became an attorney, but what is the point of using them outside the home to the detriment of the souls entrusted to me, the souls he commanded me to get safely to Heaven? If you have lost the God view of your purpose on earth in raising children then perhaps its time to take an honest look. You can help others in your profession and that can be good, but it might not be good for you or good for your children. Lots to think about. More importantly lots to pray about. Peace be with you!
I was a stay-at-home mom! I was there! with the milk and cookies when
our daughter came home from school, I was the block mom that other kids whose moms worked could come to or be called when emergencies arose. I
loved it and profited from the experience.
Having said that however I would never criticize moms who work outside the home as well. It is their choice based upon personal situation. I
do not walk in their shoes nor they in mine. I think to suggest that most
moms work outside the home to provide creature comforts, such as this article does, is uncharitible to a fault and is devisive in nature. Good moms can stay at home and or work outside. Bad moms also exist in both categories. Clearly women who cannot for whatever reason be at home full time need to know that competent day care is available and supported.
With runaway inflation and high cost of government most women are in the
situation where working is a necessity. I have seen many young moms, after being home on maternity leave, weep copious tears the day comes for them to return to work. Clearly torn emotionally by the necessity for returning to work may they be given compassion, not endless criticism.
Let us be sympathetic to and supportive of all our mothers, those who can stay home as well as those who find the need to add to the family coffers and stop such silly articles as this one that begins right off with the suggestion that Our Lord’s mom would never have left Jesus in daycare or that somehow Anne Romney’s experience of motherhood is comparable to the average Mom. We don’t know how many nannies were involved or household help available to her ..all we know is she and Govenor Romney have a great family. Praise God! We also know that the Blessed Mother had only one child. Does that suggest we too should have only one baby?
Today, Mothers Day, all moms should be able to be proud of their decision to be a Mom and not subject to this form of cultural discrimination this article suggests! Let’s acclaim good moms everywhere and get past this endless carping!
I liked what Arwen Mosher had to say about valuing the vocation of motherhood. That was spot on. The phrase “what works for you” is completely the jargon of the moral relativist crowd. It’s the direct opposite of everything else she has to say, and what our faith teaches us. Work is vocation because work is something necessary but at its best the fruit of the gifts of God. If you are extremely fortunate, you love the essence of what you do. You may only love the end result: the ability to make your way for yourself and those you care about. Neither internalized satisfaction nor providing for the externals can be dismissed. This is why moral teaching has always been that work cannot be a commodity, as corn and iron buy and sell at what the market will bear. My own mother likes to say that The Blessed Virgin Mary is a working mother—- look at all the things we ask her to do for us! Isn’t every mother a working mother, anyhow?
Thank God for Mothers, as He knew that the average man, would not be able to do the job of a mother with all of the love, tenderness and sometimes, a hard hand as a Mother can. Oh, we can clean, cook, etc. but, we don’t have that extra special touch of a Mother. What does Hilary Rosen know about motherhood, as she is a lesbian and is so clueless of her place in this world that God has given to us. So very sad to see someone determined to spend eternity in hell. +JMJ+
What a good article. I am now 64 and have 4 children who are all grown now. It was my generation that played the “feminist” card. I bought it for a while. Unfortunately, I left my son in daycare but that helped change me because I just felt so bad when I left him. Fortunately, with my second child I just couldn’t do it. And, during those days almost every woman worked. I was the only Mom on the block that stayed home. When I took my children for a walk there were some older people that would see us and come talk with us. They rarely saw a Mom and her kids during the daytime. When I would go to lunch with my husband, of course, I would take my children and guess what? Working people did not like to hear or see little children at lunch. I began to realize that you can’t have it all. My kids would have payed the price. The economy was based on both spouses working in other to keep up with the Joneses. Women had it harder then before working at work and at home. What a lie we were sold. It is sooo refreshing to hear that young women of today want to stay home and cherish it and look at it as a true vocation. I see this wonderful younger Christian generation (Catholics & Protestants) looking at the world with new eyes. Thanks be to God for you all. Keep up the good work.
Excellent article. I’ve been a stay at home and wife for almost 13 years and I’m beginning to see the fruits of that time. Prior to this, I worked full time, as did my husband, and our oldest child was in “pre-school” while his two younger siblings stayed with my in-laws. My husband and I never thought I would leave work to stay home, but one day I realized I didn’t know my children. From that moment I knew God was calling me home to be the wife and mother my family needed me to be for them. The transition was more difficult than expected, and I struggled for almost two years straight, fluctuating between liking it and hating it. Over the years, I’ve had my ups and downs, attempted to re-enter the work world, but always went back home to family; and that’s where I hope to stay.
This article has inspired me to find out where the local abortion clinic that serves our town is and to get out there and pray. I can’t just sit by and read about the atrocity of abortion any longer. I must get out and do something.
I am an after-school hours music teacher who specializes in a specific method for pre-schoolers that requires the presence and daily at-home participation of a parent. It is amazing the number of mothers who request lessons for their little ones who spend the most part of the day in day care. After explaining what it takes in order for the method to work, they insist that they can handle it. But it almost NEVER works out. They have NO IDEA what their absence in the home causes as far as their child’s development goes.
Here is a typical situation: After being dropped off at day care at 6:30 or 7:00 am, the child remains in the care of non-family members until she is picked up by mom at 5:30 or 6:00 pm. After running errands, cooking dinner, eating and cleaning up , it is already close to 8:00pm (or later). This is the time that a toddler should be in bed if he/she is to get enough sleep for proper brain development (probably 7:30 would be better). The average toddler needs about 12 hours of sleep plus at least a 1 hour daily nap. If the nighttime sleep is between 9-11 hours, a longer nap is needed in the day.
Anyway, if the child is to spend daily time on music with the mother, when will this occur? When they should be in bed? And if that is what happens, when will the child have the normal mother/child relationship and everything that goes along with it?
In essence, the mother is free to be with the child for about 3o minutes (if that) out of 24 hours. And that is time when the child should be sleeping!!!
Children suffer in so many ways these days. Many women have to work, there is no way around it. But if it is at all possible to avoid this or minimize it during the child’s formative years, that is the course that should be taken. There is no turning back, if you are not the person forming your own child, then someone else is.
To a child, QUANTITY and quality of time with the mother is more important than anything.
Thank you for this wonderful article. I have done all three, staying home until my son was 10 years old, going to work part time and working full time. The part time work, was the worst for me. Trying to split myself in two, between my responsibilities as a mother and working. My husband and myself changed rolls when I worked full time, he stayed home and I worked. We always put our family first, and do not regret this.
Why was Our Most Blessed Mother, perpetual Virgin, dispenser of all graces relegated a back seat at the Council of Vatican II?
The Mother of Christ, Virgin Most Pure, the perfect example of motherhood devotions are now according to “personal preferences”. Is it any wonder true femininity has been lost and men do not know how to be gentlemen?
Congratulations, Hillary!
Just published on Wikipedia:
Hillary is the most powerful mother in the world
Croatian writer Giancarlo Kravar: Forbes magazine on the occasion of Mother’s Day declared U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the most powerful mother in the world. Rationale: She has great merit for the presidential career of her husband Bill, and always with her daughter Chelsea. Successful, rich, powerful and, above all, mother!78.2.55.142 (talk) 02:04, 14 May 2012 (UTC)
Hillary, congratulations!
Just published on Wikipedia:
Hillary is the most powerful mother in the world
Croatian writer Giancarlo Kravar: Forbes magazine on the occasion of Mother’s Day declared U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the most powerful mother in the world. Rationale: She has great merit for the presidential career of her husband Bill, and always with her daughter Chelsea. Successful, rich, powerful and, above all, mother!78.2.55.142 (talk) 02:04, 14 May 2012 (UTC)
It is an important subject to be discussed between wife and husband. If a family can be reasonably maintained with one income, it is better the wife does not work. A stay at home mother has plenty of work and responsibility. She has the duty of a daughter, wife, mother, good neighbour. At home she is a housekeeper, a nurse, a teacher, a gardener, cook, tailor, and what not.
However a professional, that is a specialist like doctor, lawyer, Acccountant etc may think it is a waste of their time and talent , if they do not work. It is correct, but the home and the bringing up of children cannot be ignored. So they have to give first priority to home and children and work out adjustments suitably without detriment to “home and children”
Hi Ladies,
Remember Marie Zelie Guerin, the mother of Theresa of Lisieux. She ran a sucessful lace business and hired many employees mostly women (Most women have always worked outside the home or spent most of their time working in the family business in some way; it was a necessary thing. there was really a brief window in Western society staring with the industrial revolution where women were pushed out of the work force and it led to the women’s movement).
Marie Zelie Guerin has been beatified by Rome so I think we can certainly look to her as a role model. He lace business was so succesful that her husband closed his own business to be a full-time sales person for her business.
Also, let’s keep in mind Saint Gianna who was a medical doctor and worked while she had children.
God has given us many gifts and talents and using these gifts is a great contribution to the world. Of course, if we have children we have to take seriously that responsibility. But it simply not true that women have historically given all their time to homemaking. As I said earlier, that was not affordable for most women for most of human history. It is not affordable for most women on the planet now. In fact, one of the best ways to reduce global poverty is to give a micro-finance loan to a third world woman to start a small business.
I am not interested in picking a fight with women who have chosen full-time motherhood. I just want to make sure that women who have a passion for using their gifts outside of the home know that your talents are from God and it’s okay to use God’s gifts.
Peace in Christ,
Carolyn Hyppoolite
Thank you for this article. Most of us don’t regret a moment spent with our kids but continue to feel pulled away with wordly distractions or work. We must continue to support and respect this building block of society, the nuclear family.
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