Family Matters

What if your spouse is just as devout a Catholic as you, but far less interested in improving the marital relationship? I perceive serious problems in our marriage, but my wife is indifferent about it. It's hard to get her to invest in changing something she doesn't seem to care much about.

Nothing is truer than the old adage that says you cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself.

Husbands and wives are fundamentally called to lead one another to holiness. Just to be certain that pride or stubbornness are not obstacles, spend some time in deep, honest reflection about your own conduct in the marriage. Ask yourself if you have truly done everything possible to be the best model of virtue for your wife.

Are you patient, generous, self-giving and understanding? Do you listen well? Are you empathetic? Have you actively worked to identify and meet her needs? Do you pray fervently and regularly for her conversion of heart? Do you pray for your own perseverance? If you are lacking in any of these areas, devote yourself to “be Christ” to your wife. That is, lay down your life for her even more.

What if she is still unresponsive to your desire to improve the marriage? The answer, and your vocation, is the same: Be Christ to her. In making a complete gift of yourself to your wife and children, you are embracing the vocation to which God has called you. Remember that Christ's sacrifice consisted not just in the gift of himself, but also in his realization that those to whom he was giving so much were the very ones who were persecuting him.

The most important obligation you have is to be faithful to the Lord. In the marriage covenant, that means an unconditional gift of self to your spouse, whether it is reciprocated or not. Just as important is not losing hope that things can get better. The savior who died for your sins has the power to change hearts. Never stop believing that all things are possible with God, even this!

Recently in this space, we encouraged couples not to be afraid to seek outside help if there were recurring problems in the marriage. We would also urge you to consider counseling as an option, even if your spouse refuses to join you. A solid counselor may be able to help you more accurately identify problems that you don't perceive, due to your closeness to the situation. An experienced counselor who is also a well-formed Catholic may be able to help you come up with specific strategies you can use to improve your situation at home.

Enlist a saint to be your ally in prayer. We recommend newly canonized St. Gianna Beretta Molla, a wife and mother of four par excellence. Ask her to intercede for your wife, that she will develop into the kind of wife and mother that God is calling her to be.

The McDonalds are directors of family life for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.