On the Loss of Friends

Family Matters: Catholic Living

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The barstool where Vince Flynn often sat in Eric and Kathy Schneeman’s Mendota Heights, Minn., home reminds the couple of happy times spent with him and his family before the noted author lost his three-year battle with prostate cancer in 2013.

“I believe time heals loss,” Eric said. “God gives us peace of mind during the time it takes to heal that loss.”

If our friend has died, our faith gives us hope that the friendship hasn’t ended.

If rooted in Christ, friendship is eternal, said Father Dennis Billy, John Cardinal Krol Chair of Moral Theology and scholar in residence at St. Charles Borromeo Seminary in Wynnewood, Pa. 

“Christianity is a perfect fulfillment and is able to tell us that we will be reunited and that the separation of our friendship is not an end of the friendship — it’s a temporary pause in being able to live it out,” said John Cuddeback, philosophy professor at Christendom College in Front Royal, Va., author of True Friendship: Where Virtue Becomes Happiness and the blog BaconFromAcorns.com.

During the Eucharistic meal, we are in communion with the saints, including our friend, Father Billy said.

The Schneemans experienced this on a midsummer’s day a month after Flynn died, when they opened their home for a “Month’s Mind” — an Irish tradition of a requiem Mass and gathering of remembrance.

“It was so healing,” Kathy said. “That was fun: to all come back together after the funeral and when we’ve relaxed a little bit — our minds and hearts have started to heal — and just to support each other that way.”

Authentic friendship may be eternal, but some other friendships aren’t, Cuddeback said.

A friendship that died was the one I had with Christine. We grew up together and were close friends for decades. We shared interests and life experiences, but not faith.

Many years into our friendship, Christine developed a serious chronic illness. Differences on faith and moral issues we’d previously avoided came to the surface. Underlying tension caused small disagreements to flare up, until, finally, Christine broke off our friendship.

Signs of a waning friendship include having less to share and more frequent miscommunications and misunderstandings, according to Irene Levine, psychologist and producer of TheFriendshipBlog.com and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.

When a friendship breaks down, we need to discern and pray about what went wrong or what we could have done better, Father Billy said.

When a friendship doesn’t come back together, the realities of our faith help remove the sting, if not all the suffering, Cuddeback said. The loss can be a way of identifying with Christ in his suffering, he added.

Someone who has lost a friend is reminded of their loss on emotional, social and physical levels, according to Levine. People grieve differently, but denial, loss, self-blame, embarrassment, anger and, finally, acceptance are common stages, she said.

When there are problems with a friendship, we should put our friend in God’s care, Father Billy said. “It’s not a journey that’s without trouble, anxiety or challenges, and so I would never write the person off completely, because as Christians, we ultimately believe that all those who share in God’s friendship ultimately share in ours.”

Losing friends is part of life, said Levine, who suggested these affirmations for healing: The loss of a friendship doesn’t invalidate its importance; the more important the relationship the longer it will take to heal; lessons learned from lost friendships can help inspire better ones; and blame impedes forgiveness and provokes anger.

For the Schneemans, reminders such as Flynn’s barstool still inspire smiles and tears. “I miss all of us coming together as two families,” Kathy said. “Even though we still get together with his wife and children, there’s still an empty place at the table.”

Susan Klemond writes from

St. Paul, Minnesota.