I am all too familiar with real narcissism. We toss about the word "narcissist" to describe someone who’s overly friendly with her mirror or who salts his sentences with "I" more than is usual or who walks with a strut.
By calling them narcissistic, we might mean no more than to use a synonym for "mildly vain" or "pretentious" or "egotistical," and even here we do not intend to make a serious charge against their characters, but only make a remark about the surface, about a momentary slip of good taste, an irritating quirk.
But anyone who has dealt with a real narcissist will not use the term casually.
A real narcissist is someone whose egotism is so deep that other people are not real. They are simply one set of objects among many others in the world that he manipulates, things that are there for his pleasure and convenience, like chairs, toasters, knives and shoes.
To be on the other end of a narcissist is to cease being a person. As an object, you are only of significance insofar as you cause the narcissist pleasure or pain, advance him or hinder him, amuse him or bother him.
It never occurs to a narcissist that the human-looking thing in his field of vision and action actually experiences the same full reality of being a thinking, willing, feeling person. In psychologists’ terms, a narcissist completely lacks empathy.
When a narcissist hits someone, he feels only the pain in his own hand. When he humiliates someone, he feels only his own satisfaction. When he runs over someone, he feels only the bump. When someone gives him pleasure, that someone is a something to whose real existence he is entirely oblivious.
In short, a narcissist is someone who is so entirely self-absorbed that he has lost — or never had — the ability to love.
You cannot love a hammer or a pencil sharpener or computer. They are just instruments to be manipulated. You can only love another person, because love means the recognition that this person is just as real as I am, truly experiences the world as a separate being who shares with me the same ability to think, to will, to feel pain, to feel pleasure, who shares with me the same astounding capacity to make plans of his own, to feel as happy as I do when these quite separate plans are fulfilled and as sad as I do when they are frustrated.
To love is to desire the happiness of the other person as real, whatever the effect it may have on you, whether it gives you pleasure or causes your suffering.
A narcissist cannot love because there is only one person in the world. He is entirely self-absorbed because, in his world, there are no other selves, no other "I’s" — but only "its."
In not being able to love, he is unable to fulfill the great commandment: to love God and one’s neighbor as one’s self. In the narcissistic universe, there is only one person to love. The narcissist acts like a lonely god in a universe of pawns, forever trying to direct everyone’s worship and attention to himself.
That is why narcissists exhibit particular character traits. They typically have a grandiose sense of self-importance, require excessive admiration, engage in fantasies about their abilities and achievements, feel an overwhelming sense of entitlement, are arrogant and exploitive and, again, entirely lack empathy.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is classified by psychologists as one of the worst maladies. A narcissist is a step away from a sociopath, who entirely lacks any moral conscience. You cannot have a conscience if you lack any recognition that there is anyone else out there.
For a sociopath, the people he might blow up, strangle or rape are no more real than objects on a video-game screen.
I could sum narcissism up most tidily by saying that, in being the opposite of love, it is the essence of sin.
And that brings us to consider a horrible incident involving high-school students in Steubenville, Ohio, of a drunken girl being bounced or carried from teenage party to teenage party, molested in various ways, appearing in various stages of undress, as slurring, giggling teens snapped pictures on their cellphones and tweeted about it.
She was not a person, but a thing. She was an image on a screen, another reality show — except that she wasn’t real. She was not someone, but merely something to have fun with, to laugh and tweet about. What is it about the cellphone culture of teens that made such abominable depersonalization possible?
The "American Freshman Survey," which has monitored the attitudes of college entrants for about half a century, has found that more and more exhibit the traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder: an inflated view of their own abilities, a real sense of entitlement and social-media enhanced self-absorption.
One news report of this study has an apt picture of three teenage girls making pouty faces into a cellphone camera. They will, no doubt, immediately post the snapshot on their Facebook pages, along with the most up-to-date news about — of course — themselves.
As with the celebrity pseudo-divas, barely clad, lining the side of the article, these teens live for exposure, for adulation, for the continual celebration of "me."
Like the original Narcissus entranced by his own face seen in the reflection of a still pond, they are obsessed with staring at their own Facebook. Their window to the world is a mirror, but a mirror of a different kind, one that allows them to capture and create a world in their own image on a screen and endlessly manipulate and enhance it — a world of pictures, but not persons.
This seems to go even beyond narcissism. Even their own personality has been removed from their person and migrated to the Internet, there to exist as self-created avatars on Facebook. And if "I" am an avatar, an e-personality, existing in cyberspace, well then … just how real can anyone else be?
As a sign that we’re taking narcissism a step further, there is, online, something called "Second Life," a virtual-reality website that fuses Facebook with video gaming. Participants can create a new life online, another "me" or self entirely free from the restrictions of the reality of one’s actual self.
It is a narcissist’s dream world, where he can make himself as handsome and smart as he wants with a manipulative mouse — or she as clever, shapely and alluring — and interact with other custom-made e-narcissists in a world where you are what you’re not, and you can remove everything that bothers you with a click.
In his excellent Virtually You, Elias Aboujaoude, a psychiatrist at Stanford who deals with people obsessed with the Internet, describes one young man so immersed in "Second Life" and his cyber girlfriend, Sasha, that he entirely ignored his real-life girlfriend. His girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: Choose her or me. He chose Sasha.
The irony is that, at the other end of the mouse on Sasha’s side, it could have been — rather than a buxom, sculpted blond — a 400-pound, 70-year-old devotee of Harlequin romances. Or even a man.
And then there was the Korean couple, so obsessed with raising their computer-generated offspring Anima that they let their own real child starve, according to a March 2010 report in London’s Telegraph.
I believe that it is time that we must ask the hard question. Is it possible that we have created a medium of communication — or a web of media — so powerful that it severely disorders its users? A medium that turns us and everyone else into images, objects on a screen rather than persons?
In short, have we created a machine that can turn us into narcissists?
Author and speaker Benjamin Wiker, Ph.D., has published nine books, with his newest,
Worshipping the State, coming out soon.
His website is BenjaminWiker.com.
Comments
Post a Comment
I am going to introduce an new term into the lexicon: cell phone narcissist. This is someone totally oblivious to the person(s) they are with and absorbed in cell phone conversations with people who could be either a short distance from them or thousands miles away. To be honest, I am sick and fed up with people who choose to be in your company and then proceed to receive cell phone calls from others who are not. Like true narcissists, they are beyond the empathy required to acknowledge the impact of their actions even when confronted with them.
An example: I was in Rome last October for a meeting held near the Vatican which occurred simultaneously with the Synod of bishops. I was with three others attending the meeting having breakfast together at a bistro a stone’s throw from the Vatican. During the meal, each one of them proceeded to either accept a cell phone call from someone or to check their e-mail on their gadgets. I wondered why we had decided to have breakfast together in the first place. I then glanced over at the table adjacent to ours to see a prominent US Cardinal sitting with his priest secretary (I surmised). Both were checking their respective e-mails. They may as well have been sitting alone.
I have decided to carry my ipod of music with me wherever I go from now on. If those who I am with choose to take cell phone calls or check their e-mails, I now simply whip out my ipod, plug in the ear phones and proceed to enter into my own self-contained world of isolation.
The making of a narcissistic culture. Ah, the benefits of social media.
Deacon Ed,
I find your post to be accurate. Unfortunately, it seems that even though many of us find the behavior annoying, rather than trying to discourage the behavior, too many of us (myself included) have instead chose to behave the same way. It is so common place now, that it is almost impossible to go an evening out with friends or in public without the constant checking of phones. I thank you, as I think you have helped me make a decision about what to work on for Lent.
Thank you!
If we allow the behavior, it continues. I don’t allow the behavior in my company, and I haven’t lost any friends over it. If you allow it - then who’s fault is that? Why is eveyone so afraid of speaking up?
One solution to the problem of cell phones at a restaurant dinner (that yes, even I do myself… Bad me!) is to say at the start of dinner that whoever reaches for their phone first pays the whole bill (exception made for someone who legitimately expects an urgent call). If you want a more visual reminder, pile the phones in the middle of the table.
It does tend to stop the FB checking - or at least the rest of us get a free meal out of the deal ;)
Great idea, Maria_Neva!
No doubt that technology enables and encourages today’s narcissistic “lifestyle.” But the complete absence of any moral sense to counterbalance that sense of self-importance certainly contributes. In fact, the narcissist is absolutely convinced of his or her own RIGHT to act in self-interest at all times. He or she is “supposed” to be the center of the universe—it’s the natural order of things. There exists a very delusional disinclination to think one’s way out of a lavisly appointed paper bag.
Dee, so right. When did we forget that the word, “No” is a complete sentence?
The article was fine but it attempted to shovel together different types of sin into one generalized category you are calling ‘narcissism.’ While I recognize that the other sins you mention often accompany narcissism and that narcissism may be a root cause of other sins. I think your article loses something by glossing over these differences with a comprehensive label of ‘narcissism.’ Sadly, narcissism, selfishness, self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, social apathy, materialism, and lack of faith are not the same thing. They often come in pairs or as a team but that doesn’t mean they are the same. If one wanted to apply an over-arching label to the phenomenon that your describing, I would choice ‘modernism.’ The reason why I think its important to call things what they are isn’t because I want to start a fight about rhetoric but because the solution, counter, and defense against such sins differ, just as their causes differ. I liked the article and I don’t disagree with anything said but, for me, an opinion is only as valid as the stated premise and if the premise is that narcissists are the same as being a manipulator, I disagree because I find that narcissist are too self-involved to worry or care about anyone else long enough to manipulate them. To manipulate others would require a need the person has that only others can fulfill; conversely, a narcissist doesn’t need to manipulate others because they provide for themselves all the fulfillment they think they need… in my opinion. However, I may be splitting sinful hairs; your larger point remains valid. Keep up the good work.
One problem with your article is -you didn’t point out WHO is behind all this. Search PopeLeoXII and read his “locution” in the 1880’s. He then comprised the St Michael prayer. AND when the devil’s time was over - he had taught so many followers his way that it is if he is still here, Liar and thief that he is.
All these materialistic inventions—-starting with transportation, communication, ELECTRICITY AND BATTERIES!! Big ones, has aided the devil to break up the family, taking dad first out of the home to manufacture all these “things” and then making money to buy them all -took Mom out of the home. It split families into being many miles apart so life is not what it used to be like in the 1880’s!! Think about all this. The devil is making a huge dent in the church and humanity, but I don’t think he will take all of us away. AND what are we doing to keep him from doing it? Do we pray enough as the BVM has pleaded with us?? How much time do we really give to God?
AND do we really realize we are here in this world for less than 100yrs? and that we DO have two parts to us a body and a soul?And that soul will live FOREVER…...AND we have the choice right now to decide whose home we would like to live that forever- the one God has made for us -or the one God has made for the devil and his followers?
PLEASE GOD ELIGHTEN YOUR “SHEEP” AND HAVE MERCY ON US!
Bravo! All of you. One more suggestion is Behavior Modification
techniques. Choose to leave - your companion on their cell phone
will have to deal with their indiscretion as well as the bill.
It would be polite however to let them know that you intend to’
do that if they so much as even say “hello”
I have a problem with your definition of narcissist. As an introvert and one who stands self-accused often enough of snobbery, stand-offishness, lacking in empathy etc. I have begun to wonder about many of the full-bore (pun intended) extroverts who steam-roll over me in church and everywhere else with their ‘love’ and ‘warmth’. I have known people who have a self-image that they are loving, warm, caring wonderful people and they REALLY don’t SEE anyone - their personalities are like a gaseous substance that expands to fill whatever space they inhabit. Does anyone share my discomfort? The church as Chesterton knew is for ALL types including natural cranks and curmudgeons such as me.
And I thought this article was going to be about Obama.
I find that the term “narcissist” is overly used—it is too easy to label a person this or that. The reality is, because of the effects of original sin, we all are prone to be self-centered, selfish, too absorbed in our own lives, etc. That is why, again and again, Jesus addresses this very thing in the Gospels. It is why he commanded us to celebrate the Eucharist together, because he knows that it is too easy for us to just “go it alone”, thinking we don’t need others—Jesus even saw this in the Apostles, who were all individuals, with different personalities—how easy it would be for them to just do their own thing, and ignore the other 11. (Remember James and John asking Jesus to be on His right and His left, in what they thought was a worldly kingdom? And how indignant the others became towards them?) The fact is, at the root of all sin is pride—and everyone, at one time or another, suffers from this pride. Any time we sin, we say to God, “I don’t need You!”—that is the ultimate narcissism—and who of us is without sin? Who of us can admit, that just maybe, every so often, we are just a little bit narcissistic? Misuse of cell phones is just one of the symptoms of the effects of original sin—the real problem is pride—something we all need to work on (with God’s grace) to overcome.
We need to change our culture, starting with ourselves. 100 years ago, people didn’t even have phones in their homes, let alone carry them everywhere. We can live without all the gadgets. I don’t allow my kids to use any. We use our cellphone only for necessities. We allow only a few educational video games. We don’t watch reality TV or much else on regular television.
Too much sensory overload makes it impossible to pray. Our culture is destroying our ability to have real relationships with God or others. Please, let’s be more moderate, discerning, and respectful in our use of technology!
http://contemplativehomeschool.wordpress.com
Faith-based education, Carmelite spirituality
I though this would be aimed at Claire, annalisa, Kathleen, Eileen, and all the other reverse-trolls here.
There is an element to all these actions that you are leaving out. The element of fear. These kids have been raised in a merciless environment. God and prayer has been out of their schools and secular society for a long time, if thy were ever in them at all, replaced by “worldly wisdom” and “survival of the fittest”. Students bully and the societal answer is now, “toughen up” to the victim and turning a blind eye to the bully (because thy usually have parents who will fight any discipline the child would receive.) The tragedy you mention at Steubenville exemplifies this. Every action someone makes is subject to scrutiny and kids have learned very quickly it is easier to go along with letting someone else be picked on than to be the one picked on. They also have so little hope that they have no shame. They she just how harsh and merciless life can be. Nothing really matters, so no big deal if they are victim or bully. Life will go on and another incident will erase the memory of the last incident. Still, if they can be with the bully rather than be the victim, they think they have somehow succeeded in life. The Christian attitude that would overcome this weak character has never even been taught to alot of kids. Fear is not of God. We have handed our children over to another father rather than fighting against authorities who fail to protect their souls.
In the original myth of Narcissist he dies after admiring his image so much that he wasted away or fell into the reflecting pool and died. If the persons who exhibit the traits as noted by Wiker are both narcissistic, they might someday realise this and then what? Wake up? as one of the commentors said (of himself)or fall into oblivion vis-a-vis reality, which is a form of death too?
Excellent article, Dr. Wiker! I hope you don’t mind if I share it on Twitter!
@poetcomic1: I am in agreement with you. This “love culture” has gotten to the point that the word “love” really means nothing. I have seen young sisters who “love” each other so much on the internet, yet in person argue all the time and just don’t get along. I like the old adage “actions speaks louder than words”. While I am at it, I get nauseous when I see someone on T.V., such as the President giving men a “hug”. He is the President, where is the decorum. I personally like to see men, look each other in the eyes and shake hands. Hugs should be for family and close friends.
The cell phone is a modern day Pied Piper.
Still-this blog would not have been written or read by your fans if you didn’t use the internet yourself.
I recently retired after 25 years teaching composition and literature at a community college. I found myself nodding “yes!” to the article. The comp. students had such difficulty writing about OTHER PEOPLE, reverting frequently to the big ME! When attempting persuasive essays, students could access articles via Internet, but could not grasp any position other than their own.
For many, that self-enclosure is defended, if challenged, by justification by entitlement—others should respect my rights; I’m here, so teachers owe me a good grade!
We’re quickly losing the ability to think, write, or act in the real world.
The technology certainly has potential to corrupt, but I don’t think it inevitably HAS to be that way—at least, I hope not.
poetcomic1, you have a good point.
Phyllis Poole - seriously? Transportation, electricity, batteries are the work of Satan? What about flush toilets and antibiotics? Come on.
Sandy Malia: reverse trolls? lol. Whatever you say.
This article is not just about “using the internet,” generically speaking. It is a marvelous tool, but a terrible master. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it as long as people still get out and remind themselves that they have feeling in their legs, and that these disembodied talking heads actually have warm-blooded persons attached.
I will not have a Facebook page for many of the reasons identified in this column. I have no desire to spend time primping an e-version of myself, and if people really want to get to know me, I prefer they just do it in person.
We have compromised human connectiveness believing that our iPhones will help us connect. However, they have not. I realized that even when I communicate with someone, young or older, I dont find that genuine intetest and I cant blame them because I know I should start by being more interested and less self absorbed. I pray for that conversion in my life.
A grieving parent on the television screen (or any kind of screen) is not a human being, it is a virtual presence, it is a mass of tiny dots of light transmitted in energy pulses. We are not seeing a human being. In all these forms of new media we are learning to relate to one another as ‘virtual presences’, as electronic ghosts. Catholics should treasure immanence, corporeality and true presence as sacred aspects of being human. I blog some as a writer and lover of language but understand its limitations, but as for the rest - madness lies there and in the end - Control as the virtual reality becomes controlled, massaged and manipulated.
I’m for anything that will keep us from watching TV;)
Narcissists break up marriages, have sex with prostitutes, leave their wife and children without a second thought, leave their children dying of cancer in a hospital bed to go on a third cruise for the year and place their multimillion dollar salaries above all human interaction. Nothing is ever enough!!!! And the ones I know certainly don’t have Facebook pages ... That would require looking at a news feed about others…. They have no interest in others. Doesn’t mean all is lost. I’ve seen at least one, my husband, try soooo hard to break his family cycle of this with 100s of hours of therapy and prayer for conversion. We all bring our baggage to the foot of the cross and ask for help and grace in becoming a better version of ourselves ... and hopefully men and women for others.
@National Catholic Register: “Got the Original Pictures and Videos of this, Contains Sexy Pictures and Celebrity Videos available on My Website,click my name above. almost nude http://jerjermons.com/”
THE ABOVE QUOTE DOES NOT SOUND LEGITIMATE TO ME….HAVE YOU TRULY CHECKED IT OUT??????? IT WAS POSTED TODAY: SUNDAY, FEB. 10TH
Well now, as an elderly person, who cannot get out much, I really enjoy the internet. I have found my parents passage here in the late 1800’s. The name of the ship and picture of it. I read the newspapers, get political info, which is just as good as the T.V., [or just as bad]. As to blogging, I only blog on NCR and have learned more about my Church through this. It is interesting to check on my old parishes from when I was younger. I have seen the Church I was baptized in and raised in and know that they are getting a new pipe organ ;o). [the inside of the Church has not changed]
Yes, there is the sordid side to the internet, but go in any book store and you will find the same thing. It is all according to where you go on the internet. As to the cell phones, they come in handy for working parents, etc. People just have to learn “manners when using a cell phone”.
These devices are like many good things…alcohol comes to mind. Some made by monks. If enjoyed in moderation, a good thing. the Bible also refers to wine being as life for a man. But too much, drunkenness is a mortal sin which can lead to alcoholism and the destruction of life…or certainly a miserable one. S many things follow this path. I think our fallen nature makes us easy prey to overuse and abuse these things to satisfy something missing that we should have just filled with the Holy Spirit.
It’s just technology.You can use it within certain limits & it’s just fine.When it takes over time better spent in the real world, it’s out of balance.
Cell phones can have text messaging/data & internet blocked.Ask your phone service provider for details.
NCREGISTER: What happened to your moderation?! This one, particular, post has three SPAMs! Please, do something about it.
@Greg: I questioned NCREGISTER about it above also….and heard nothing from them. I am talking about the one called “almost nude”....that certainly does not belong on here. Can’t they just take it off????
Sounds like a pretty accurate description of the President.
“CCC - Pride is undue self–esteem or self–love, which seeks attention and honor and sets oneself in competition with God (1866).” Pride is everywhere in today’s society. Just spend a minute watching what our kids watch on TV.
“Pride is everywhere in today’s society.”
That is correct. And people with it all joined an organization, especially Catholics. It’s called the Democrat Party. It thinks it is soooooo holy and better than everyone else.
The kind of narcissism in this article well describes a huge social problem today - people are becoming more and more lovers of self, thus less images of God and more so images of Satan. Younger generations are not developing social skills and no longer have to develop virtues of patience, humility or respect. Not relying on others for information, for instance, when all one has to do is look it up on the internet instantly, devalues the worth of other people as sources of knowledge or assistance. A Pandora’s Box that is altering people’s psychology for the worse has been opened which may never be shut.
No longer having to rely on others in our lives for information, help, etc. when all we have to do is instantly look it up on the web devalues others and gives us the illusion that all we need is ourselves and a smartphone. Current technological advances have retarded social skills in younger generations and have made us unwittingly dependent. Furthermore, anything that leads people to pride makes them less an image of God and more an image of Satan. So…be wary of the social and spiritual effects of the digital age.
@Tony: the social effects of the digital age on children is the worse. They sit at home and just text…back and forth. No more getting out to play ball, etc. and intermingling with other kids and learning how to get along. Sometimes, yes, with organized play, they get out, but they don’t have the imagination to start something themselves. It is really sad.
Years ago when the computers were just beginning to be used in businesses., my husband who was an accountant, worked with big ledgers in front of him and used the adding machine. When they brought in the computer, he did not like it because he was ready to retire and he was used to his way of doing things. I guess he was pretty verbal about it and at his retirement dinner they gave him, as a joke, a huge sledge hammer to use on his computer. I still have that sledge hammer. ;o) At my age, I am home a lot, and I am on the computer for hours sometimes. There is so much information and it keeps me up on things going on. I use it mostly like an encyclopedia, found my parents passage here in the late 1800’s. Took me weeks. Everyone seems to have your name. Good thing I was an inquisitive kid and asked a lot of questions. Guess there is good and bad in everything.
Free porn - Watch unlimited live porn. Visit our facebook page and add us as a friend porn https://www.facebook.com/bestpaypartners
I think I will say a positive note of cell phones. They do come in handy for some parents and working people. They just have to learn “how to use them”. For instance, my son who is in sales called me yesterday [checking on old Mom]. He was in his car heading 100 miles east on some business calls. He rec’d a call while speaking to me, and said “that’s the guy I am about to see, I will call him back”. So we cut the conversation short. Parents can also keep “check” to a degree, on their children with cell phones and texting. As I said above, it is a matter of “cell phone manners”. For instance, the priest mentioned in the above article, could have been getting an important message from his parish….
NCR: How come when I write a blog, you tell me it will be checked for scam, yet above my recent blog abt. cell phones there is a “porn advertisement”. Second time this has happened on this particular blog….
This began as a refreshing look at the truth, so I thought and ended up really lacking. For the NCR to publish this, and completely overlook how Fr. Marcel Maciel is a textbook picture of narcissism and manipulation is upsetting. Yes, the cyber world has allowed for new ways for narcissism to manifests itself, but the real harm is done outside of cyberspace. The real damage is done when someone is controlling and manipulating you using fear, obligation and guilt. In the cyber world you can turn off the computer, you can’t exactly move away from home. Also, this article does not deal with the fact that those with NPD are masters at convincing others that they are not the ones with the problem, it’s always the person who is trying to break free from them with the issues. The devil always twist the truth.
An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment. I think that you merely ought to write more about this issue, it may not be a taboo matter but generally people do not talk about these issues. To the next! Cheers!! backlink http://fiverr.com/twnseobacklink
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.