There has always been the bully on the playground — now, the difference is there are multiple bullies vying to make children’s lives miserable.
Dr. Ray Guarendi, clinical psychologist and Register columnist, observes: “The irony in this is our culture says, ‘Oh, isn’t that awful! Look what happened; these kids are mistreating other kids! How does that happen? We have to have programs!’ They’re chasing the wrong causes. As long as the family continues to deteriorate, as long as God is pushed aside, you’re going to have more aggressive treatment of everybody — not just kids.”
So, the question remains: What can concerned parents do to protect their children from bullies — and prevent them from becoming bullies?
Bully Protection 101
If your child is in a peer group, it’s only a matter of time before he gets bullied. It’s important for parents to recognize the signs because a child who has been browbeaten won’t always confide in his parents. Joseph White, author of the pamphlet Catholic Parent Know-How: Bullying, What Parents Can Do, says parents should be on the lookout for bullying when they observe their child wanting to avoid school or an activity enjoyed formerly. A sharp decline in academic performance, low self-esteem or negative self-statements, as well as unexplained scrapes and bruises are also signs. If parents suspect their child is being harassed, but the child is too ashamed to admit it, he suggests asking indirect questions to flesh out the problem, such as: “Is there anybody in your class who picks on other people a lot?”
Both experts advise instructing children on how to avoid provoking a bully. Parents can teach bully-resistance skills such as ignoring teasing or deflecting it by using humor, White says. If your child is being mocked, “Tell your child to blow him off,” advocates Guarendi. “You have to give them that advice even though they may not be able to follow it out; you have to start them on that path. Because if you don’t, then they’re just going to be harassed any time, any place.” To help make their child less of a target, White recommends that parents practice effective eye contact, confident posture and problem-solving skills. If the problem is happening on the bus, then they can instruct him or her where to sit in order to avoid the bully.
The majority of bullying behavior consists of being mocked and excluded. While this kind of bullying is not usually life-threatening, it can make a child’s life miserable. As Guarendi says, “Girls are much more prone to form social alliances and cliques. They exclude a girl for their own peculiar reasons — ‘I don’t like the fact that she’s tall.’” Parents need to help their daughters realize that they don’t have to have the approval of every kid, he notes. Having just a few good friends is all any child needs.
How to Stop the Bully
Should you advise your child to fight back physically? “Yes, you have to defend yourself. But if the kid is a lot bigger than you, then you have to think twice,” Guarendi advises. He thinks there is a misconception perpetuated that all bullies are weak. “Some bullies will beat the heck out of you. It’s a judgment call.”
White agrees that it is okay for a child to protect himself, but in most cases, there’s an adult close by who can help intervene. He says fighting back sometimes confuses the situation and the innocent child gets wrongly accused of being the bully. “A general rule might be that if someone is hurting you, do what you need to do to get away and then get help from an adult.” If the situation gets too aggressive for the adolescent to deal with alone, a parent can usually stop a bully by quietly going to the authorities.
Instilling Kindness
At the heart of bullying behavior is a lack of empathy. Laraine Bennett, who co-authored a book with her husband, Art Bennett, called The Temperament God Gave Your Kids: Motivate, Discipline and Love Your Children (recently reviewed in the Register), advises parents to begin helping their children attain the virtue of empathy when they’re little. “Even toddlers can learn to use ‘gentle touching’ when holding a baby or touching a flower. When they’re older, you can ask questions like: ‘How do you think he feels when you said that he was stupid?’ or ‘Why do you think that old man is so grumpy?’”
White recommends parents instill kindness in their children through their own actions: “Take the time necessary to establish a quality relationship with your child. Do kind things for others together, and show your children that you understand and respect their feelings as well.”
Bennett agrees that parents should do activities with their children that reinforce empathetic understanding. For example, she suggests preparing and delivering a meal to a new parent, baking cookies for a neighbor who is sick, visiting someone in the nursing home or inviting a lonely child over to play.
Bennett stresses the importance of parents developing a relationship with their children, which fosters discussing problems and personal issues. If a child is able to address his problems with the support of his family, then he will be less prone to bully or be a victim of bullying.
Another way parents can help their children is through prayer. Ask God and the Holy Spirit to endow you with the natural and supernatural virtues necessary for good parenting. “Prayer, talking to God, helps with communication with our children, and it also opens our own hearts to assist our children in empathy,” she explains.
Guarendi believes an attitude of kindness and empathy comes with stable parenting and instilling morality in children. “If you raise a kid in a loving home who is well-disciplined and knows that he is cared for and has dignity, then that kindness and empathy is going to grow as a natural byproduct.”
Never Allow Mistreatment
Guarendi counsels parents to take a strong stand on not mistreating others. Learning to treat others kindly begins in the home with one’s parents and siblings. A hard line needs to be taken when it comes to the mistreatment of siblings. This means doling out punishment, such as loss of privileges, for name-calling, antagonizing behavior and hitting. “The experts have convinced parents that [mean behavior] is sibling rivalry and children do that because that is just the way they are. Well, that’s irrelevant,” he says. “The way children are may not be good. No: That’s like saying guys get into pornography — that’s the way they are. It doesn’t mean it’s good.”
Children need to be taught that mistreating others outside the home is equally unacceptable and will have consequences. As White suggests, “Plan with your child how to make sure he or she has a reputation for kind behavior towards others.”
Lori Chaplin writes from Idaho.
Stopping Cyberbullying
A lot of bullying, especially to girls, happens online. The website StopCyberBullying.org recommends that when a child is being cyber-bullied, she do the following:
Stop: Take a minute to calm down, so as not to respond in anger, which could escalate the problem.
Block: Use the email and or social-networking site’s blocking features to prevent the cyber bully from further communications.
Tell: Alert an adult who can help with the problem and make the appropriate reports of abuse to the site administrators.
The Child Most Likely to Be Bullied
Experts on the theory of four classical Greek temperaments, Art and Laraine Bennett believe that it’s the child with the melancholic temperament (cautious, sensitive, artistic, introverted and prone to be dreamy) who’s most likely to “come under the sway of bullies or be bullied themselves.”
The introverted melancholic is more apt to be a sideline observer until she feels comfortable enough to participate; she gravitates towards peaceful environments away from the rambunctious playground, and she may be less athletically inclined or somewhat awkward. “This child can be an easy target for the playground bully or the ‘mean girls’ who are looking for a scapegoat,” say the Bennetts. “Compounding the problem is that the sensitive introvert (whether melancholic or phlegmatic) is more likely to give in to the bully’s demands, thus further perpetuating the bullying behavior.”
So You Raised a Bully?
Even if parents are doing all the right things to raise an empathetic child, the impact of the prevailing “mean kid” culture may dominate. Dr. Ray Guarendi warns parents that a child is not a lump of clay; they cannot shape their child into anything they want him or her to be: “I think that is a big problem with an awful lot of Catholic parenting. They’ve got this idea that if I do all of the spiritually correct things (pray the Rosary every day; go to confession every two weeks; home school, etc.), then they’ll be guaranteed a moral child.”
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I was bullied/outcast through most most my primary and secondary education life. This article helped me understand some things. I have an introverted melancholic temperament. And I hardly ever fought back. If ever only indirectly. Thank God I grew up in a loving family. It’s true that bullied children rarely tell their parents. It was always the homeroom teacher who told them. The best thing that came out of difficult years for me was that they helped grow closer to God.
The best advice I could give to lonely bullied children is to talk to Jesus your Best Friend and your guardian angel whenever you need someone talk to. Dreamy, sensitive and artistic? I was never more prolific than those years when I was bullied. Develop your art and talents whatever they may be. In college you’ll find people who understand you. Most of all, be yourself. Don’t cave in to peer pressure. God made you to be the beautiful unique individual that you are! And don’t ever change that.
We think that schools are one of the safest places for our children. Most of the year, our children spend more time at school than anywhere else than our home. However, some schools have problems, such as bullying and theft, which make them less secure. As a mother we want for our children is for them to be safe at all times when they were in school. As a mom every time my child gets home from school, I talk to them about their day, because sometimes your child won’t tell you right away if they are having a problem. If ever they were bullied, or anything else makes them uncomfortable talk to them and teach your child to resolve problems without fighting. I would like to share this link, about a service on how to protect your children: Check it out it’s interesting: https://safetrece.com/
Indeed. As long as children witness spouse B (80%-of-the-time Dad) being bullied via no-fault divorce by spouse A (80%-of-the-time Mom) they’re either going to “kick the dog/cat” or find someone vulnerable among their schoolmates/siblings to take-out their frustrations upon. Ray must see this often, as must all psychologists in children-of-divorce. It’s just one more pathology related to the greatest form of child abuse: no-fault divorce.
Persons wishing to destroy the traditional family have brilliantly authored the most cleverly-acting means possible. Once seeded by one spouse, no-fault proceeds to mutilate both spouses and children until they rarely see or speak to one another! And The Longevity Project notes that children-of-divorce live lives minus five years on-average. Talk about “bullying!”
The only action that has ever stopped a bully is a punch to the nose…always worked…always will!
I was bullied as a kid, but not for long. That’s when having older siblings came in handy. I told my older sisters what happened and they had a little “chat” with the kid. Needless to say, the kid left me alone after that. That was the nice thing about having a big family. I don’t think kids do that anymore, I can always remember some kid saying I’ll tell my older brother or sister…. that was usually a good deterrent. Facebook, texting etc. make it easy to pick on someone because you can’t see their reaction. Kids need to be taught empathy, and to treat others the way they’d want to be treated.
Our daughter, who is popular and outgoing, was maliciously bullied covertly by a peer (girl) under the guise of sugar. If my daughter stood up for herself, the bully would twist it and tell that my daughter was the one who did that very treatment to the bully. Always done away from the eyes of anyone else. Also, this bully, who happens to be an only child, would make up untruths and tell her mother, who then together would report my daughter. My daughter was tormented and in a no-win situation. The reason we suspect this happened is this: my daughter was home schooled (Seton Catholic) as her three siblings. She skied in a state-run program. Three girls, one year younger, moved up to join her group and times of skiing. They all started as friends but one got jealous because my daughter was friendly, likable, popular, and frankly, blessed to be more talented than this girl in many ways. My daughter was happy to have these friends but in a very short time, the bully started to systematically, cunningly, and covertly started the process of causing isolation and exclusion of my daughter. This bully was threatened that her friends liked my daughter. My daughter could not understand how she could feel that way because they were all friends. Eventually this expanded to a wider circle and when my daughter first attended school (grade 10), she did find herself isolated and excluded. I explained and complained numerous times to the ski coach only to hear, “We’ll keep an eye on it.” I gave suggestions for team meetings, individual meetings with team members and the coach, and even organized a local police officer to come and talk to the group so no one would be isolated. The ski organization turned me down AND made a statement that they came to the conclusion that there was no bullying occurring on this ski group time and that the Code of Conduct was not breached. This was said despite the coach being directly involved with many of the conflicts. Right or wrong, this was about the time I flipped. The ski organization told us it was a school matter, even though it began long before she attended school. After the shell shock wore off, we went for help at the school. The psychologist acknowledged our story. First he told us that this isn’t the first time that there have been complaints about this girl. He told us that he wouldn’t believe it himself except that he and his daughter had experienced “name” issues for years. He went on to tell us that the school doesn’t know what to do with her. He also added that in his 21 years on the job, he has never had a more difficult case than with this particular student. He said she’s good with adults, too (deceiving). She is an expert at hiding it, and pitting people against each other by making comments causing defamation of character and the sort. After the first meeting he had with the girls, I realized that he did not address this as bullying but as if there were two teens girls having a spat. I called and asked why. I was told that he had concerns maintaining the professional relationship with the mother, who just so happened to be a teacher there. We knew we would find no help. We were accepted into the neighboring school based on a grievance. However, the bullying continued, including us finding out that she had told some kids on the other end of the state that my daughter had bullied her and was forced to leave the high school. This is her modus operandi.
The ski organization was ignoring us and now my daughter wanted to quit skiing. We are a skiing family and that was all she ever talked about. Now she didn’t even want to ski. Finally, we wrote to the Senator because the ski program is a state funded organization. This got a response. Meetings were scheduled. However, the psychologist that “volunteered” his services was a good personal friend of the Exec. Dir. of the ski program. The meetings were a dog and pony show and very, very frustrating. Our voices were squelched regularly, he was making conclusions on incomplete or outright wrong information, and prevented the bully from answering questions about the bullying. The ‘bullying’ was never directly addressed. Instead the focus was regularly changed to look at some tangent issue that had nothing to do with bullying (like the coach putting a lot of effort into the ski program). The bully continued to tell lies in the session she was in with us. The psychologist also used coercion through leading questions that worked to the goal he wished to attain. He was pleased to announce that in a closed session with the bully that the bully had a tearful apology to my daughter for lying to and about her. However, true to character, within 2 hours of this meeting, I found out that she called a friend that she didn’t realize we were friendly with and told that person that he was the blame of all of this, as expressed by our family in the meeting. This is the opposite of what was presented in the meeting. She demonstrated that she cannot and will not stop. My daughter left skiing, a love she has had for at least years, often working herself to help offset the expenses that we couldn’t afford. The psychologist also commented that it is likely this happened because my daughter was home schooled and couldn’t defend herself. (Yet this bully has had a history of any kids in public school.) This psychologist was ineffective at this as well. So my husband and I felt bedraggled after these meetings and they did nothing to support our daughter. The exec director of the ski program emailed a conclusion saying he was happy this was over. He also said that although our family experienced difficulties that he felt that the coach suffered most of all!!!!!!!! He seems to forget that my 15-16 year old daughter is in her formative years, went through hell, and not one adult supported her. My husband and I requested the coach apologize to our daughter for the way she treated her last year. By the end of the season, our daughter was afraid to talk to her or approach her since her every word and action was scrutinized and she was reprimanded constantly for things she hadn’t done, despite telling her so. We also asked that the ski organization apologize to our family for not acting promptly and effectively in order to have some accountability to breach in the mission statement. Lastly we asked the ski organization to hold the bully accountable for her behavior, which was demonstrated to break the ski Code of Conduct on two of the rules. We suggested she miss one month of participation, although she warrants being dismissed off the team. We also suggested that they rescind the “good sportsmanship” award that the coach awarded the bully at the end of last season because her season was based on deceit and manipulation. We felt this was justice although in reality, much more could be applicable. Also, the ski organization made my daughter miss two weeks of practice over the summer while they “worked things out” organizing the meetings. However, the bully hasn’t missed one day. They are non-responsive to my requests. My husband called this week and they said they consider the case closed. The bully has succeeded and is happily skiing on the team with her friends without as much as a slap on the hand. Sickening. This bully will continue to build walls against my daughter behind closed doors. None of the team is vocally supportive of my daughter. Some are afraid to retaliate against her. Look what happened to us. The parents of these girls are also friends. They are likely sent the same info from the bully which caused division. The parents didn’t support my daughter and no longer talk to us either. So the bullying you describe does not fit in our case. The damage is devastating. Also, this year the school my daughter now attends (public) decided it would charge kids from out of the district tuition. Financial strain. Next year, the same school is making a no-exception rule to allowing kids in from other towns. She has lots of friends there. So likely, she will be experiencing another drastic change for her senior year. The bully has been reinforced by her mother (who fights for her) and hasn’t had one loss. She is unbelievably buffered by ADULTS. Bullying is like terrorism in this case. This bully is cunning and skilled. We have found no one who cares to help. We suffered and prayed for 18 months but no one did anything to support us. And the suffering will continue. So can you explain this in simplistic terms?
Catholic & Protestant Church should start preaching on bullying maybe over time bullying will go down. The problem is getting the leaders of the Churches to realize the problem with bullying, the effects on the person being bullied. Ive read that 3/4 of school shooters were bullied some pretty badly like in the movie Bully. Supposedly 76% of Americans consider themselves Christian only 40% go to mass/services regularly. If 76% of Americans consider themselves Christians then why do millions of kids get bullied every day? The Churches need to get together to preach in mass/services, teach in their Religious Education classes about what the bible says about how to treat others (in context with bullying)~ Eph 4:32, Col3:12, John 13:34, MT 22: 37-39, Lk 10:25-37
Foul language Eph4: 29, Col3:8
A friend of mine’s son has been bullied since the beginning of last year by other Catholic kids & Protestants. She lives in a heavy Christian area, last year her 9 year old was really upset and talking about suicide she finally got it out of him why he was talking about suicide. It was because all the kids in the same class said that they wish he was dead. The one who said it first was a Catholic girl. Can’t see why anyone would say that to him he is a really nice kid, doesn’t say mean things. He has been choked a couple of times, his head banged, tackled even though there is not supposed to be any tackling during recess, called all kind of nasty names. How they know the kids are Christian is he goes to RE at the Catholic Church with some of them and some of them went to the same Church as the teacher. The parents have talked with the principal about the bullying.My friend was bullied at the Catholic schools she went to for years, if she hadn’t been able to run really fast probably would have been beat up more often. Finally in 8th grade her teacher had a talk with the students in her class and the bullying didn’t stop fully but there was a dramatic drop in name calling, trying to jump her (to beat her up).
I know others that have been bullied by Protestants/Catholics as well. I have never heard a sermon on bullying. I have heard that we are supposed to love our neighbor but not that we should not call others names, physically hurt others ie bullying, or a sermon on using foul language. Children may not realize that what they are doing is bullying so that needs to be explained. Since 50%-60% of Christians do not go to Mass/services regularly maybe Catholic/Protestants radio stations can also share the message that God loves everyone NOT just the popular kids and how calling others names is calling Jesus names etc! Do this at the beginning of the school year, middle & end.
The statistics on bullying and suicide http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide
A mate for you to get hold of that have treats will probably be bought from you and your family. paristreet paristreet
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