Our middle son recently announced his engagement to a young woman he has been friends with since childhood and dated for nearly four years. My husband and I are grateful for the way in which Luke and Audrey have discerned their engagement and their plans for a Church wedding this May.
In our house, group dating may begin at age 16, but one-on-one dating is forbidden until age 18. Our reasoning is that dating is a prelude to marriage, and no one should date who isn’t ready to begin the search and make the commitment to marriage.
Dating and discernment are important and require the right intentions and approaches, based on individual personalities and holy purpose.
Gregory Popcak, who, with his wife, Lisa, authored Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids (Ascension Press, 2012), says that age is less important than maturity when it comes to dating.
"It’s more about having accomplished certain developmental and moral tasks," he said.
Popcak recommends that parents ask themselves certain questions when deciding whether and when to allow their children to date, including: Does my child know how to be friends with the opposite sex? Do I know my child to be a moral and spiritual leader among his/her peers?
"The more you see your child demonstrating these traits at home — with you and his/her siblings and friends — the more you can safely assume that your child is ready to date," he added.
Dating plays a vital role in the marriage-discernment process, giving young people experiences with the opposite gender so that they can learn what types of personalities may be a good match for them.
For Stu and Liz Sigmund of Oconomowoc, Wis., dating was an indispensable factor in their marriage discernment. The Sigmunds dated for four years and were engaged for one before marrying in 2011. They have a 7-month-old daughter.
When they began dating, Stu was 23 and Liz was 21; neither had seriously dated anyone before, and that’s the way they both preferred it. They also both were discerning vocations to the religious life, with Liz being more certain that she was called to marriage, but Stu still divided between marriage and the priesthood.
"There’s no reason to date someone you don’t really think you would marry someday," said Liz. "I used to actually tell my mom that I was only going to date the person that I was going to marry. That turned out to be true for me."
The Sigmunds also point out that dating is about family: learning to live with each other’s families, which sometimes can be quite difficult, and preparing to form a new one together.
"Something I always felt to be important for a good relationship is for each spouse to be accepted and supported by the other’s family, and our dating time was often centered on the time spent with each other’s family. How could I have ever expected Liz to marry me and become a part of my family if she didn’t know firsthand what that was going to mean?" Stu said. "Plus, I always have believed that marriage is about family. Anyone who is not interested in having or being a family has no business getting married."
Even after spending time together and with one another’s families, how does one know whether the person he/she is dating is the one God has intended to be his/her spouse?
God intends marriage to be based on authentic love, aimed at bringing one another closer to Christ.
As Pope Pius XI noted in his encyclical Casti Connubii (On Christian Marriage): "To the proximate preparation of a good married life belongs very specially the care in choosing a partner; on that depends a great deal whether the forthcoming marriage will be happy or not, since one may be to the other either a great help in leading a Christian life or a great danger and hindrance. And so that they may not deplore for the rest of their lives the sorrows arising from an indiscreet marriage, those about to enter into wedlock should carefully deliberate in choosing the person with whom henceforward they must live continually: They should, in so deliberating, keep before their minds the thought first of God and of the true religion of Christ, then of themselves, of their partner, of the children to come, as also of human and civil society, for which wedlock is a fountain head.
"Let them diligently pray for Divine help, so that they make their choice in accordance with Christian prudence, not indeed led by the blind and unrestrained impulse of lust, nor by any desire of riches or other base influence, but by a true and noble love and by a sincere affection for the future partner; and then let them strive in their married life for those ends for which the state was constituted by God.
"Lastly, let them not omit to ask the prudent advice of their parents with regard to the partner, and let them regard this advice in no light manner, in order that, by their mature knowledge and experience of human affairs, they may guard against a disastrous choice and, on the threshold of matrimony, may receive more abundantly the divine blessing of the Fourth Commandment: ‘Honor thy father and thy mother, (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with thee and thou mayest be long-lived upon the earth.’"
"He/she will unleash in you the best, highest and most virtuous version of yourself," explained author and speaker Mark Hart, executive vice president of Life Teen International. Hart is also known as the "Bible Geek." He and his wife have three young children. "Marriage, and dating before that, is not about finding ‘someone you can live with.’ It’s about finding someone you desire to die for daily — to die to yourself, your selfish wants and human sins — and seek to live for the other. Dating and marriage are not about what we ‘get,’ but about what we give."
Real love, says the Sigmunds, isn’t something to take for granted. They encourage young couples who are dating and discerning marriage to surround themselves with people who have positive feelings about marriage, go to Mass and adoration together and participate in activities that make it easier for them to learn and grow deeper in their faith together.
"Don’t use the word ‘love’ casually," Liz advised. "Make it deliberate, and wait until you really know. I know I wanted to say it so quickly, but I waited until Stu said it, because I knew that he needed time to accept it. Also know that the devil will try to break up a good relationship; he is not happy when you are faithful to God and your significant other."
And parents help their children to discern true love by modeling healthy and holy love themselves.
"Parents should be affectionate in front of their kids," Hart advised. "They should model healthy communication, even healthy ‘arguing’ and ‘disagreeing,’ constant gentleness, mercy, compassion and mutual respect. In short, parents should ‘become’ the person they desire their children to ‘bring home.’"
Above all else, prayer is a top priority in dating and marriage discernment, according to all sources interviewed for this article.
Southern Californian Leslie Lenko depended on prayer and the sacraments to guide her through a tough discernment process before marrying her husband of 20 years. The Lenkos have two teenage children.
"I remember many times, after work, driving to a beautiful Catholic church for prayer. I took great comfort in praying before a statue of holy Mother Mary," she said. "I had a broken engagement two years prior, and I needed to be very sure this time. I also went to Mass a great deal, took long walks and asked many questions."
One day, while attending Mass with her future husband, she received a sign; shortly thereafter, they became engaged.
"The graces are many for those who discern well," Lenko said.
Added Stu Sigmund: "It takes a lot of silent prayer and reflection to hear what God has written into your heart. We are called to love our spouse as Christ loved the Church.
"He loved us when it felt like being gathered around the table with good food and conversation with friends, but he carried that love right through from there, on to when it felt like hatred, betrayal, thorns in his head, nails through his hands and his blood pouring on the ground. If we can choose to love someone like that, not knowing how it could ever be possible, but trusting that if that is what God asks of us, then he will give us what we need to do it, then marriage is possible and wonderful and full of his incredible blessings."
Marge Fenelon writes from
Cudahy, Wisconsin.
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praying before blessed mother is truly a gift.
GREAT article.
When the dating couple is faithfully Catholic and their parents AREN’T (my mom and dad were not practicing their Faith, my husband’s parents were atheists) then they need to rely even more heavily on good Catholic couples for discernment advice. 22 years ago, his parents told me “Our son’s Christianity is just a phase. We’re hoping he outgrows it. Don’t expect him to stay Christian.” My parents had NO advice.
I am thrilled that my 11 children can come to their father and me when the time comes to seek a spouse. Sadly, their dad and I didn’t have that Christian parental influence in our courting days. So we speak to them a lot about the purposes of dating. They aren’t allowed to date in high school, but they may go out in groups.
We tell them to guard their hearts, and not be quick to give them away.
Thank you SO much for writing this. It seems that, much to often, the only dating advice given to Christian couples is ‘don’t have sex before you’re married.’ While that is good and true advice, it really doesn’t explain how to date and find a spouse.
I’m currently trying to discern marriage, and this article had some advice I needed to hear. Thank you.
My son is on the verge of wanting to date/ I will share this sound advice with him. I like the idea of group dating from 16-18 -
This is a nice article for those who have kids who are inclined towards the faith, a moral life, and a healthy future together. But it doesn’t do much to address the larger majority: those rebellious kids who don’t care about the faith, reject their parents’ values, and are mostly concerned with conforming themselves to the world rather than transforming themselves by God’s grace. Thanks for the insight into someone else’s reality, but it’s an unattainable dream for those who are trying to rescue kids who are throwing themselves headlong into the Culture of Death.
Excellent article! Sharing with my young adult children. This is what we’ve told them, and your article reinforces it with examples and solid information. Thank you!
A strong Catholic faith seems the best prerequisite for a truly happy and until death lasting marriage. While on the way back from occupation duty with the U.S. Navy in Japan in 1946, our ship went though the Panama Canal and docked in Panama City. St. Joseph’s “Golden Cathedral” is a landmark there and a Catholic shipmate and I visited it. It was the first time I ever entered a Catholic Church and as a tourist not seeking God. When I entered the sanctuary I was enveloped by a strong presence of God and could barely breathe. I was unaware of time and don’t know how long it was before I recovered my senses. In 1948, I started dating Lorraine, a Catholic girl and asked her to help me become a Catholic. She introduced me to the great priest that brought me into the Catholic Church in 1949 and my joy was complete. In 1950, an 18 wheeler going 70 miles an hour hit me broadside and the car was thrown 104 feet in the air and landed on an embankment crushed in half. No one could understand how I survived. L called Lorraine to tell her I was still alive, and she said “I know. I saw the accident I knew you survived, but that someone I did not Know was killed – she had never met my grandmother that was killed. I knew then that God intended for her to be my wife and we were marries in 1852 when I began a military career in the Air Force. We were together 63 years and married almost 59 years before I lost her in 2011. It was our strong Catholic faith that sustained us, and greatly consoled me after my loss. Everyone must keep God in their wedding plans, in their marriage, and in their hearts.
So glad so many have found this article helpful. Yes, I agree that’s its difficult to work with kids who already have one foot over the threshold of the Culture of Death. Coming at them from a purely religious standpoint will only serve to turn them further away. Common sense parameters still can be implemented by parents and guardians, and straight-talk about the real dangers of their behavior will do much good, if not now, then in the future. And… prayer and sacrifice, prayer and sacrifice, prayer and sacrifice… on the part of the parents, godparents and relatives. What we can do for them spiritually far outweighs what we can do for them in terms of hands on guidance.
Such a wise and beautiful article and advise! Reading it reminds me of how I followed all these suggestions,did 4 yrs of prayer and friendshop but after we married in the Church and our 1st precious baby was born, my ex began to abuse me physically and also emotionally for 13 yrs. I wanted to trust God and sought all kinds of help,prayers, sparations, but to no avail.. now have an annulment but all the lost yrs trying to be a good Catholic wife and hold together a marriage I believed was true…For the past 15 yrs pray and look for that man who will be my real loving spouse.
Michelle, I’m so sorry for your pain! Thank you for your honesty and sharing. There is so much brokenness in the world, and it causes so much suffering. Thank you for your faithfulness to the Church and to the sanctity of marriage!
God created sex and man created marriage.
And virgin births were common around the time of the Virgin Mary.
And the temperature and salt content of the ocean at the equator is of the same order of magnitude (power of ten) as inside the blood of a living person. One question would be “How long can a swimming sperm survive in the ocean and what is the probability of a woman in the ocean getting pregnant from one of these sperm. Depends on number of sperm in an ejaculation, the distance between the man and the woman and how many sperm can travel that distance before perishing, and other factors like currents in the water that help carry the sperm. Has any experiment ever been done to investigate these probabilities? Don’t know of any.
I believe that it is possible for for a sperm to remain in a dormant state without using any energy and being in the ocean as a current takes it a thousand miles and then making a woman pregnant if she happens to be in the water. And example of getting across the ocean without using any internal energy is a ping pong ball that driftsthousands of miles. In the same way, a sperm can travel even if it stops exerting a thrust in which case it can conserve it’s energy until it gets close to the target where it then exerts thrust to get into the womb. Imagine this scenario with hundreds of women swimming in the ocean and a man in the ocean who ejaculates a billion sperm.
Plus, I always have believed that marriage is about family. Anyone who is not interested in having or being a family has no business getting married.”
For whatever reason people cannot have children,it should not be a barrier to being married. his fact could have been found out because one or both did not know until after they have been married for some time. That does not mean they cannot have a family.It might involve adopting children(Hopefully from this country and not another country)or it may not.Childless does not,or should it ever mean, fruitless.‘Children’ could mean running a charity or business that will become their ‘baby’.Also,it may very well be that they are perfectly happy with being childless. Do not demand certain conditions about being married or going into marriage-it is what a couple puts into it,children ot not.
James: From the not so sublime to the utterly ridiculous.
Ann, what is meant is not that couples must have children in order to have a valid marriage, but that the Church requires us to be open to children unless we’re experiencing serious circumstances, in which case natural family planning is permissible. The discernment whether or not to have children should be discussed with a spiritual adviser. Families with foster or adopted children are very much families, and the marriage a holy, fruitful marriage. Hope this helps. Sorry if you got the wrong idea. Thanks so much for your comment!
The idea of sharing Mass and Adoration is good, I think one needs to be a bit cautious. Those are serious, intimate experiences where the focus is (or should be) Christ. To share them would likely be inappropriate in the early stages of a relationship.
Everything in its proper time and order.
Thomas - I don’t understand you at all. Mass is not just a personal experience - it is a community celebration. If it’s okay to sit next to a total stranger in the pew why couldn’t you bring your date? Same with Adoration. In fact, I met my future husband at a function immediately following mass and we started a prayer group together even before we were officially dating. We went to many relgious events together from the very outset. I wouldn’t have been interested in him if he didn’t want to share our faith first and foremost.
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