Considering Contracts

What do you think about using behavior contracts with kids? I can’t decide if I like the idea for nailing down specific expectations or dislike it for formalizing, in a legalistic way, what should be opportunities to build love and trust.

It depends. Who will do your negotiating? Does your attorney specialize in behavior law? Is there a 30-day notice of termination? An out clause?

Family therapists like behavior contracts. They are what the name implies: a written agreement between parent and child laying out the terms and conditions of each party’s responsibilities, earned privileges and consequences for breaching the agreement.

Contracts, in my opinion, come with both assets and liabilities. Perhaps their main drawback is that they are all too often seen as a tool for compromise between equal partners. Suppose that Dawn is appealing for an unlimited curfew. Parents counter with midnight. Well then, how about meeting somewhere near the middle, say 2 o’clock in the morning? In the real world of contracts, each party negotiates his best position. In the real world of parents and kids, parents should set most of the terms, as they are — and should be — the governing authority.

If the parents’ judgment is that midnight is best, then the only real bargaining left might be: 1) Can Dawn earn extra privileges for honoring midnight? 2) What are the consequences for breaking curfew? 3) Are there exceptions to the midnight rule?

Kids are naturally inclined to barter with parents, contract or no contract. The contract can unintentionally convey the idea to Holmes that he now has an acceptable means to codify childish appeals. After all, we agreed to entertain his demands.

Beware also: Kids are superior negotiators. They don’t need a lawyer. Their contractual skills are honed razor sharp from years of manipulating us, twisting our words and clouding the facts.

A third caveat: Set time limits on the agreement. Good parenting is flexible. Don’t back yourself into terms that, depending upon the impulse of youth, would need to be rendered null and void. What if Dawn is caught severely abusing her social freedom? Might not the agreement of a midnight curfew have to be immediately terminated?

Contracts are not without benefits. First, they can clearly enumerate your rules and terms. Less room is left for endless haggling every time a slightly different twist on a situation arises. Is midnight still in force on the Saturday you switch to Daylight Saving Time? What if Dawn is home at 11:59, but sits in the driveway until 12:37?

Second, a contract is as much for us as for our kids. Contracts legislate consistency. What we will do if Perry cooperates and what we will do if he doesn’t — all of that is in writing. And anything that keeps us resolute and steady in our rules and discipline is good.

Third, contracts can help spouses present a more united front. The grownups have publicly agreed with each other to uniformly enforce expectations.

In the end, contracts really aren’t all that helpful if parents have been clear and predictable in their rules all along. The kids have long since learned that mom and dad mean what they say, whether it’s written or not.

In essence, where parenting is concerned, an oral contract is a binding as a written one.

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