Thank you!  I feel as though you were speaking to me, about me.

Thank you for this.  There is no doubt that being single is a cross, and a hard one,  especially when you get older and especially when there is just no reason that you can see for being single.  Faithful single Catholics are so thin on the ground in our society.  As a single Catholic I feel completely isolated and shut off from the world in general much of the time.  It’s an opportunity for prayer, but not without loneliness and pain.

I am a single Catholic and it is encouraging to know that through this cross, we can earn graces and help the world and ourselves. Though I do hope to marry someday, I will not look at this time in my life as a burden but a blessing. Thank you Mr. Crowe.

John—thank you for your honesty. I have a son in his mid-30s who is single, and this gives me a greater appreciation of his cross. May God bless you and bring you safely to Heaven—where there will be no more weeping, and where you will be completely connected to others.

Prayers to all those carrying the cross. May I suggest those single to join the lay Third Orders (or a similar Catholic group for singles) for the benefits of Christ-like solidarity and to keep singles from dropping that cross and falling into worldly pleasures (that can only lead to sin-which means away from God’s plan for us)?

I believe both single and married lay can join Third Orders. Is that right?

did not Jesus tell His disciples, after they questioned Him about His saying that divorce is not an option, that some men make themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of God.  He did not preface that with some teaching about either you must be a priest, a consecrated religious or get married.

Dear Eddie:  Being single is not a sacrament.  We are called to marriage by virtue of being created male and female.  Look at church documents like Lumen Gentium, Gaudium et Spes, and pretty much anything having to do with social teachings of the Church.  They focus on the centrality of marriage and the family.  I think this article focuses on a big problem that a lot of Catholic and Christian singles have.  They take seriously the call to marriage and yet for many—perhaps even most of us—it just isn’t happening.  It’s definitely a cross.

James,
Being a religious isn’t a sacrament either - it is a calling and a vocation, but not a sacrament. The Catechism of the Catholic Church does honor those who choose to remain single to pursue a career for the good of humanity, or to care for relatives or similar other choices. http://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-worship/sacraments/penance/examination-of-conscience-for-single-people.cfm

So yes, some are single because marriage has not worked out for them, but some are single to serve God’s people - outside of religious life.

Thank you Mr.Crowe for writing such a beautiful article. I have been married for 38 years, but recently my husband took a trip for a week to go visit our daughter and I was not able to go due to an illness. I felt very lonely while he was gone and thought of people who are single and felt they must feel a lot of loneliness due to their single status. I don’t think it is a subject talked about much and I appreciate your article because it is filled with the message of God’s love and his support for people who are lonely.

MIchelle, can you explain?  I’m pretty sure ‘Holy Orders’ is one of the seven.

what of all of us who have been called to married life, but for whatever reason are no longer married?  some of us are parents, some not, but we all have experienced that closeness which is a prefiguration of the closeness we will enjoy with Christ in Heaven.  That gaping hole in our relationship status is a huge cross.  i would like to see the church addressing our needs for companionship and fellowship as well.  a large number of us are women, and we are either not called to the religious life, or may be too old for consideration.  and there are a number of single women who have never experienced that committed closeness.  and the world of today suggests that this closeness can be experienced in the the fleeting uncommitted relationships that are the vogue of the ‘liberated’.  what a cross that is to bear.  we need guidance from our Church and we need to organize ourselves within the parishes to fellowship.  the sacraments of reconciliation and communion are the two vehicles of grace we can receive, and i have recently noticed that we too receive prayers in the prayers of the community.  thank God for recognizing our crosses.

Enness:  women religious never receive Holy Orders, and only those religious men who become priests take orders. Many religious men never become priests and so remain regious ‘brothers’.  There is no sacrament initiate a man or woman into the religious life.

At the risk of getting myself crucified, Mr. Crowe points out something every single needs to be reminded of: We already “have” a vocation - our baptismal vocation, which is the call to holiness and intimate union with Christ (and, by extension, the Body of Christ, the Church). I have been in numerous circles where it is implied that if a person is not in a vowed state (i.e., marriage or celibate vow), then you won’t be able to live the fullness of love and therefore God’s plan. I think that implies that being single is a “problem” for which the vowed state is the solution. That’s treading on dangerous territory because a vowed state is not a goal, but a gift, and as such can’t be demanded to be given. I would love to see a shift in perspective that says single life and its particular mode of self-giving (i.e., GS 24 that JP2 quoted so frequently) is a gift to the Church and to the world. It’s also a powerful testimony to pursuing life with gusto no matter what situation you find yourself in. I have a little post-it over my desk that says: “There is no shame in being single.” Can I hear an “Amen”?

The Church has always recognized marriage and the consecrated life as being more “perfect” states than unvowed singleness in the sense that they are more complete.  They represent a state of realized potential. They have particular graces associated with them, and they do represent positive steps on the normative path God has established that leads us to Him. 

This is not to say that single people cannot live lives of perfect holiness;  indeed, single people share in the universal call to holiness.  There are many single people who live lives of service and and single for good reasons or for circumstances beyond their control.  The point is that singleness is something never to be chosen for itself, and without some greater community, the single life is necessarily incomplete. 

A great problem we have in Catholic society is the unprecedented number of never-married single Catholics who long to receive the blessings of marriage but cannot, in large part because our society is so opposed to Catholic values and because the institution of marriage has broken down so badly in our times.  The divorced and the widowed are not to be forgotten, as other commenters have noted, but in general, no one questions that to be divorced or widowed is a cross, and a heavy one at that.  So much of the Catholic commentary on the never-married single life wants to tell us that singleness is great and to be in a transitional state for the rest of our lives is just dandy.  The truth is that there is an aching emptiness for most living the Catholic single life that is different from the sufferings of the windowed and divorced but just as real. 

Let it be said that married people have their crosses too.  Everyone, Christ says, must take up their cross and follow Him.  But to respectfully address Ms. Zeno’s comments, she does not get a big Amen.  Surely there is no shame in being single (we will leave frustration, loneliness, and disappointment aside).  Surely too, the vowed state is a gift that can’t be demanded.  But from these two points there often follows a third and very dangerous assertion that the Church is properly indifferent to whether singles marry or not.  Ms. Zeno doesn’t say this, but many well intentioned Catholics do.  They argue that since vocations are a gift, the Catholic community need not and should not do anything to foster vocations to married and religious life. 

This is wrong.  Vocations are a gift, but the believing community does have a role in supporting discernment and encouraging its members to discern carefully, and starting from an early age.  The idea that some day, one just wakes up with a vocation, and there is no more to it than that, leads to a lot of missed vocations.  It is probably at the root of our vocations crisis.  Contrary to Ms. Zeno, a constructive view of marriage does not see singleness as a problem to fixed.  Rather, one sees in singleness a state that is lacking in fullness and a step below a higher calling that may not be mandatory but does represent a fundamental human good. A Catholic community that does not assert the fundamental good of marriage and its inherent desirability for most people attempting to live God’s plan is an impoverished community.  And a community impoverished in this way is not going provide adequate support and solidarity for the divorced and widowed either.  So much of today’s parish life is a barren desert that offers no social support at all for the single person, whether never married or no longer married.  It is time we started rebuilding, for the sake of all who are lonely.

For Michelle:  It is true that the Church recognizes that some people will remain unmarried and live lives devoted to good works.  But a vowed religious does participate in the sacramental life of the Church in a special way.  Broadly speaking, once could say the Church itself is a sacrament—a sign instituted by God to give grace.  So yes, single people enjoy the sacramental life of the Church, especially as noted above confession and the eucharist.  But single is not a sacrament, and vowed religious do get graces of state that singles don’t receive.  Singles have access to all the grace they need for salvation from other sources, but without a higher calling they live in a state of unrealized potential until they do achieve union with God at the end of their lives.

It is a very, very heavy cross. I always felt the call to be married, but no one I wanted, wanted me. Compromising with an arrangement with a man I didn’t love felt like prostitution to me. Now at nearly 51, what hurts most is that I will never be a mother or a grandmother. The call to holiness feels like the only consolation. It is a considerable consolation, though.

Amen, Katrina! Well put! A vowed state is not a lifestyle choice or career choice or something to strive for. It is a calling from God. Nor should it be an opportunity for smugness or feelings of superiority or jealousy on the part of the unvowed.

I’m married and am fortunate enough to live in a vibrant parish But it’s hard not to notice that everyone at mass is either married or a priest. This idea on the part of so many people that being single is some kind of broken state that keeps singles away from the church.

Katrina Z,
I don’t know any women who strive to be single for theIr entire life, unless they wish to give themselves to God, the Sisterhood.  For me personally, being single is not something I wanted to sustain in my life, even though my single years were very joyful.  With great discernment I found a wonderful man to marry.  With that said, we are all children of God. We all have our individual journey.  Secular culture teaches us that being single is enough, but there is no greater love and beauty then that which is family.  This is not to imply that single men and women are less than whole, but it does say that the sanctIty and sacrament of marriage is a very beautiful and natural..  There is no greater miracle than that of a newborn.  Unfortunately there are men and women who have been taught by the secular culture that this is not the case.  Perhaps your sense of feeling uncomfortable when your married friends promote marriage, means that you too are called to find you most perfect mate.

I read this article this morning and it reminded me of our conversation last night. Also, sorry for being grouchy and rude after my car was taken. I shouldn’t have treated you that way, you were really kind to help me out.
MM

Katrina, you mean well, but you are just repeating the claptrap that comes from so many lame, discouraging, and totally demoralizing so-called Catholic young adults ministries around the country.  Marriage?  What’s that?  Not our job.  Only God makes marriages.  You shouldn’t need to be married.  You shouldn’t want to be married.  You can volunteer once a week or go spend five days building houses in Mexico and that’s just as good as being married.  You want to talk marriage?  You can come back when you are married already. I once say a young woman break into tears when a priest scolded her:  “Silly, you don’t NEED to be married.”  There’s a real hunger for marriage out there that the Church would rather ignore than confront directly.  When I go to mass and see that it is married people only, no single people my age, and basically nobody between the age of 15 and 45 anyway, I don’t feel defective but I do feel the longing for what so many other people have and is clearly a blessing. I believe that many singles don’t go to mass because they don’t see Catholic marriage being possible for them.  So they just hook up or find some other reason for leaving.

Amen! There is no shame in being single.  I am a widow with no children and this was not my choice, but I try to deal with it. It is a heavy cross, but the Eucharist is the greatest gift we have been given to help us live full lives even if our state in life is not what we would have chosen.

  I am traditional Catholic and believe that the Church should give annulments to those who did not fully and with awe understand the sacrament of marriage and the indissoluble nature of the vow.  That is probably half the Catholic marriages since 1970 but hey, it is not THEIR fault.  I am sick of the hypocrisy of the badly formed leading the badly catechized.  Also, those who DO believe and converted (like the Kennedy wife) and then have the Church tell them their marriage (children and all) was a ‘fraud’ (all with a lot of behind the scenes political arm-twisting) is the other side of the coin.

Poetcomic1
I too am a traditional Catholic. The understanding of annulment,  which you describe, is far from any reality I’ve ever seen. Despite the media coverage of the Kennedy annulment, I suspect there was much more to it then politics and social position.  Annulment is not to be taken lightly, in provides an opportunity for those whom have entered into a marriage which is resulted in abuse, deceit, and misrepresentation of one’s fundamental values and beliefs. Contrary to your observations, it is a serious issue and annulments are not handed out like candy.  your post demonstrates your bias of the Catholic Church and the unwillingness to look further into individual situations.  it may serve you to talk to local members of the clergy.  I have little tolerance for those who my influenced by media rhetoric, sensationalism, and dramatization of such very personal issues. I am struck by the ease at which we begin to doubt the Catholic Church and the faithful laity,  as well as the profound resistance to honor something positive, sacred, and whole. Such remarks is in your post, frustrates me, as I’ll bet that neither you nor I am without sin. I find such comments to be smug and hAughty.

Thanks for this article and I don’t see anything wrong with what Katrina posted. I was married for 23 years. Then my ex decided he didn’t love me nor wanted to be married to me anymore. I tried to change this, we spoke with our priest, but in this age of No-Fault divorce and the fact that my ex’s mind was made up, I had no chance. Now I am 50 and single, too old to be accepted in most convents, at least not the ones that are faithful to the Church. I expect to remain single the rest of my life. What is wrong with that? I have not gone for an annulment and I realize that in the eyes of God and the Church, I am still sacramentally married. I certainly didn’t think that I was obligated to get the marriage annulled and seek remarriage. I thought that I could continue on my spiritual path seeking holiness, even though marriage may be more ideal.

GodJoanP62
We all have our individual journey and crosses to bear. We are here to follow the ways of Christ, and become holy. Our Father wishes us to be happy. When life gives us lemons, we must be willing to remain open in order that we fulfill the will of God instead of a fulfilling our own perceptions of life.  If you married a man that proved to be someone other than the individual you thought you knew, for example, annulment may be possible. With that said,  it’s your journey and it is between you and God. God Bless You and your journey.

Thanks, Tricia. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. God Bless.