My new wife and I recently passed up a great opportunity for a pilgrimage to Europe because she refuses to board a plane. In addition, we live too far from our families to make driving a practical choice. I sympathize with her fear and don’t want to be selfish, but I don’t know how long we can go on this way.

Tom: Shortly after the birth of our first child, the three of us visited Colorado Springs. We decided to take a drive to the summit of Pike’s Peak. I have a not insignificant fear of heights, so I wasn’t relishing the prospect. Yet I got behind the wheel and did it, because I didn’t want my irrational fear to restrict my freedom and control my choices. Was I terrified every moment? Of course! Was I glad I did it? No doubt about it.

Caroline: I was proud of Tom for confronting his fear for my sake. He put the family ahead of himself. Isn’t that, in fact, what marriage is all about?

Both: The first repeated command in the Bible is to not be afraid. Our Lord urges us to “fear not” more than 350 times. Now, certain fears can be legitimate, but many are not. Unwarranted fears bind us and restrict us. Franciscan Father Raniero Cantalamessa, preacher for the papal household, wrote that “fear can really become an evil that consumes and does not allow one to live; rather than being a stimulus to react and a spring for action, it can become an excuse for inaction, something that paralyzes.”

Insisting that your wife take active steps to overcome her fear is not selfish. On the contrary, releasing this fear will be a liberating experience for her that will contribute to her mental health, and thereby the happiness of your new family. We can do all things in Christ who strengthens us, and he can provide her with strength here. Just as he beckoned to a fearful Peter to walk out onto the water, so he can call her to step onto the plane — and he will be with her every step of the way.

There are two concrete steps she can take to overcome her fear. First, of course, is prayer. St. Joseph of Cupertino, known for levitating, is the patron saint of air travelers. Ask for his intercession. Second, if she is open to getting outside help, a wide variety of programs are designed specifically for helping people fly without anxiety. Do a quick search online and you’ll find many resources to browse.

Will this be tough for her? Sure. But surely she can realize that overcoming her fear would be good for your marriage, and Christian marriage is about constantly stretching ourselves beyond our self-imposed limits. Good marriages are defined by those moments when we find concrete ways to make a complete gift of ourselves to our spouses, holding nothing back. This includes our fears. Tell her you’ll be with her as she learns to stop holding onto her fear.

The McDonalds are

family-life coordinators for the Diocese of Mobile, Alabama.