Q. My kids won't do anything I ask unless I yell. And they won't stop doing anything unless I yell some more. I'm getting louder by the day.

A. I suspect you weren't always in such loud shape. At one time — though you might strain to remember — you were probably calm during most discipline. But if words acted as your discipline, and not consequences, as usually happens, they lost impact. Then you were hooked into using even more and louder words to get yourself heard. Alas, habituation is a stubborn phenomenon. Once it grabs you, it's easy to use more of the same approach only to get more of the same response.

You see the end of all this. Yelling makes you feel mean and guilty, and your kids ignore you anyway. Nobody benefits. A nice thing about parenting, and discipline in particular, is that we get a lot of chances to get smarter.

So how do you withdraw from the yelling addiction? Probably the least painful way is to go cold turkey. Cease yelling and return to normal speaking volume. I know, that's easier yelled than said. But to get Serena to hear soft words again you must start using soft words again.

Sometimes, merely talking softly works for a while because it's such a shock to the kids' systems. They're so stunned they listen, if only in a mindless daze. Sometimes a quiet tone works because Everhard wonders why all of a sudden you're so calm. He's wary about what you're up to. Then again, he might feel sorry for you. It's been years since you've talked so softly. Maybe you've finally cracked.

Even if the kids start to listen again, don't expect it to last. It's a honeymoon phase. To get durable listening, speaking quietly is only the first step. The second step is where you'll really make yourself heard.

You must provide a reason for your children to listen. In other words, you must make it in their best interests to heed you. How? By backing your quiet request with a quiet statement of the consequences for ignoring you.

Examples: “Hazel, please have your room cleaned by 6:00 p.m., or you'll stay there until it's spotless.” “Wyatt, don't squirt your water pistol at the dog, or you'll lose it for a week.” To paraphrase an old saying, one deed is worth 1,000 decibels.

Your consequences are doing your talking, not your words. Will your kids ignore your quietly conveyed choices? Most likely. But in time they'll find out you mean what you softly say.

Please try these ideas, they should help. I said, try these ideas, they should help! I'M TELLING YOU ONE LAST TIME, GIVE THESE IDEAS A TRY! I'm sorry. Let me try again. Please try these ideas, or I'm not going to answer your questions anymore.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist and author.

Reach Family Matters at familymatters@ncregister.com