I’m a tired mother of two young children, and my husband and I have a recurring disagreement about child care and household chores. I need him to help me with the kids when he comes home from work, but he feels entitled to his downtime. He says he is working hard so that I am able to stay at home and be the caretaker. But I’m exhausted and at my wit’s end. Help!

This particular form of tension in marriage dates all the way back to when Grog told his wife that he was too exhausted from chasing a wooly mammoth all day to be expected to sweep the cave out when he got home.

Let’s approach this in a straightforward manner. Unless Mary Poppins is your nanny, chores aren’t any fun. But somebody has to do them. The dishes won’t wash themselves. The kids need attention. And both of you are tired. That’s life.

Now, arguing over who is in greater need of a break will get a couple nowhere fast. Both can make a good case. The wife and mother has been dealing with the kids and the mess all day; she wants a change of pace. The husband and father has been under pressure from the boss and his clients all day; when he gets home, he wants to unwind. (In a two-income family, both can make this case).

Both have an excellent point, but trying to settle the question of who wins the suffering sweepstakes will accomplish nothing.

Instead, both need to reframe the question. Instead of “What’s fair and just,” husband and wife should both ask themselves: “How can I best love and serve my spouse and children?”

No one ever said it would be easy.

A friend of ours once said, “A Christian marriage isn’t supposed to be this much work.” Of course it is! That is precisely how we attain holiness, by a constant challenge to give of ourselves each and every day, especially when we don’t feel like it.

The end result, though, is nifty. By embracing these challenges, we ultimately find joy and fulfillment.

We see our spouse and children made happy by our willingness to give ourselves to them even in the mundane tasks of daily life. Then we see our good example breeding imitation.

Our actions, ideally, will spur our spouse and then our children to desire to give as well. With everyone doing their share, it all gets easier.

Now, this all may sound very pie-in-the-sky, but we the faithful sometimes have a tendency to overanalyze our every action. Often the best solution is the simplest.

Put practically, you both need to acknowledge the tasks that need to be done each day, and try to do them cheerfully out of love for each other and God.

Don’t get bogged down in what’s fair, what you’ve got coming, who did what last week or any of that. Just ask yourself how best you can serve.

If you both can agree to this approach, your problems in this area will tend to work themselves out.

The McDonalds are family-life coordinators

for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.