September 21-27, 2008 Issue |
Posted 9/16/08 at 1:11 PM
I grew up in
Brampton, Ontario (lovingly nicknamed “Bramladesh”), at a school with more
Singhs than Smiths, and I know a lot of women from Southeast Asia. A common
refrain among them is that it is so difficult to have children here. Back in
India, they would happily have given birth to five or six. But in Canada? It’s
hard to manage more than two.
This
is tremendously counterintuitive. Education and health care are provided by the
government, the low-water line for child poverty is above the average income of
third-world families, there are day-care programs, libraries, parks, recreation
centers, etc. How could it possibly be more difficult to have children here?
What
is lacking is community. This cannot be substituted with government programs;
someone with a social work degree and a “happy families” pamphlet is no substitute
for a wise and experienced mother who will ensure that you are not a failure.
The
ivory tower crowd make it more difficult to be a parent. They offer advice that
is unrealistic, make absurd promises, present whitewash as though it was
reality and reality as though it was a horror movie. I cringe every time I
flick past Dr. Phil, and he’s got the blue-filtered Big Brother tape running,
some poor woman tearing out her hair and yelling at her children, and the “war
on terror” theme song from CNN playing in the background.
The hours of video where she is hugging her
children, playing games, drinking tea, talking on the phone, and behaving like
a human being are cute. This is a “family in crisis.” Strangely, it looks like
every family I’ve ever known.
The
best part is the solution: Tear down the house and rebuild it so everyone can
have more “personal” space. This is a very realistic approach to family
conflict. Oddly enough, sponsored by Ikea and The Home Depot.
The
hallmark of useless expert advice is a total lack of understanding of the
actual problem. “Never yell at your children or lose your temper. Always reason
with them. Treat them as you would like to be treated.” Great. How?
Either
the expert is a hypocrite, piling on advice that he is unable to follow, or he
is an armchair general criticizing Waterloo. If you are one of the lucky few
whose temper is always in the lukewarm range, and your children have inherited
your easygoing nature, great. Don’t assume it’s that easy for everyone else.
I
have given birth to a natural-born defense lawyer. If she is called up on some
petty charge, she will draw out the proceedings for the entire afternoon. She
is innocent until proven guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt, and once the
sentence has been handed down, you can expect a long series of appeals. I have
four children. I don’t have time to talk it through every time she breaks the
rules. Sometimes, I lose my temper. I yell. I even resort to spanking.
Fortunately,
I have a confessor who gives better advice than the parenting magazines.
Instead of telling me to overcome my most difficult interior struggles in one
go, he tells me to ask for forgiveness. Say sorry. Admit that you’re not
perfect; show your children that even mommies struggle. Be authentic.
Whatever
your faults are, your children have probably inherited them. Don’t cheat them
out of the chance to realize that there is life after failure. Don’t rob them
of the opportunity to learn how to fix a broken relationship. That is the one
lesson we cannot get through life without. It is the drama of salvation written
on the human heart.
You
will still want to overcome the problems in your family. This is where
community helps. People can face starvation, war and epidemic, so long as they
are together. They can’t face Christmas dinner if they are alone. Parenting is
wonderful and rewarding, a means of salvation, cooperation in the great divine
act of creation — but it is also difficult. It requires more of you than you
actually possess. Without help, it is practically impossible.
The
good news: Even if you are struggling along, you can provide a ready-made
community for your children. Just have eight. I’m not being facetious; I have
seven siblings. Countless times, I’ve been ready to give up and run off to live
as a mendicant in the south of France — until I’ve talked to one of my sisters.
They’re very much like me. They understand.
This
brings us back to the meaning of parenthood, which is the creation of new human
persons. This is the great bulwark that we throw up against the greatest
suffering that man has ever faced — the final trial of Christ, when he cried
out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
The
trial of loneliness, of being forsaken and unloved — this is the greatest of
burdens, which only love, and especially the love of family, can lighten.
Melinda Selmys
is a staff writer
at VulgataMagazine.org.
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