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BY Simcha Fisher
In case anyone's wondering, I'm going to vote for Romney.
I think it's wrong to vote for Obama, and I think it's morally neutral but foolish to vote for a third party candidate or for no one, especially if you live in a swing state. I desperately want Obama gone, banished forever to the netherworld of a presidential library stocked entirely with his memoirs; and I think helping to elect Romney is the bet way to make that happen. Hey, I said it wasn't a sin not to vote for Romney. It's also not a sin to coat your hair with Vaseline and make chicken noises at high noon.
Be that as it may, there are, apparently, still plenty of undecided voters out there -- the kind of people Donald Trump had in mind when he was cooking up his fabled OCTOBER SURPRISE that turned out to be, like: "Hey, everybody! Obama probably got the same grades in college as most of us did!" This is sort of like trying to sway public opinion against Idi Amin by starting a whispering campaign against his habit of occasionally pouring the milk in his tea cup before pouring the tea. Ooh, have you heard? A fine fellow, but he's rather . . . milk-in-first.
Then of course you have the indefatigably appalling Gloria Allred. Apparently I'm not supposed to make fun of people's names, but doesn't she sound like the punchline? What do you get when women work extremely hard to obtain equal rights under the law and to be taken seriously in a professional capacity, and then some harpy comes along and does everything she can to embarrass womankind until our very sex blushes with rage and shame? Gloria Allred.
Anyway, if I were capable of grabbing as many headlines as these clowns, I would at least wait for something serious to come along -- something that would really mean something to the thinking voter who is still somehow (I MEAN REALLY, PEOPLE!!!) undecided. Here are some ideas that I would consider leaking, in the hopes of swaying the opinion of those all-important pea-brains:
Obama reveals that he hasn't slept well since he received the Nobel Peace Prize. As a penance, he pledges to grind it into powder, scatter it on the water, and drink it. YouTube video forthcoming.
Romney unveils the first genuine clean air technology since the Hilsch tube: a ray gun that instantly vaporizes any dumbo republican in public office who means well and is kinda, sorta right but ends up blathering something about how rape is prolly the best thing that can happen to a girl. That should clear the air, nicht?
Romney isn't a Mormon at all, but something far, far lamer: a Unitarian.
Michelle Obama not only hogs the chip bowl at parties, but she double dips.
Paul Ryan not only lies about his marathon time, he doesn't even know what P90X even is. His secret? Denise Austin's "Shrink Your Female Fat Zones." But he adds ANKLE WEIGHTS, and that has made all the difference.
Ron Paul's real name is Hymie Goldstein.
Now that would be an October Surprise worth spending internet ink on. So if any of these things happens, please wake me up. Until then, I'm going to plug my ears and go lalalalalalalalalala until November 7th.