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BY Simcha Fisher
It must be kind of weird to be Mitt Romney right now.
There are people who won't vote for him because they actually, actively, enthusiastically support Obama, because they are Death Eaters oh pardon me, nuanced, neo-patriotic intellectuals who courageously support a global progressive agenda. And there are people who actually, actively, enthusiastically support Romney because they trust him and believe in what he stands for.
But hundreds of thousands of conservative voters who intend to vote for Mitt Romney are at their doctors' offices right now, begging to be signed up for the next clinical trials of Propranolol, a drug which may help people forget traumatic events. Such as election day.
So if old Mittward is reading, here are a few tips for how to encourage folks to just go ahead and cast that ballot:
1. Adopt the following campaign slogan: I WILL DO NOTHING! Seriously, dude, that's all we want from our elected officials at this point. Just . . . stop doing things. Voting for Obama is like hitting your head with a hammer. Voting for Romney is like stopping hitting your head with a hammer. You're not gonna feel great, but at least you're not hitting your head with a hammer.
2. Offer to lend Newt that $500 via Paypal. Take a screen shot; leak it to me. Yeah, it would be counter productive and vote-splitting to keep Newt in the race a little bit longer (and you know he would totally accept the loan; and he would never get around to paying it back, either). But I would just really enjoy knowing that Newt would go to bed every night thinking, "Okay, tomorrow I'll write Mitt a thank-you email. I will, I really will."
3. I forswear all responsibility for the following joke: Donate a case of applesauce to Ron Paul. My husband came up with this joke. When I didn't get it, he just put on his blissful, geriatric Ron-Paul-is-finally-at-peace face and started spooning invisible apple sauce into his mouth. And by gum, I really think it would help. It may not heal our nation's wounds, but on the other hand, who among us does not like apple sauce?
4. Chose Rollo Tomasi as a running mate. Amiright? We know we can't have a woman (thanks, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman, for making everyone kind of gunshy there); we can't have a true conservative, because he'll lose the morons in the middle ground (the folks who gaze out over the carnage as the battle rages on, and wring their hands because they don't want to vote for anyone who might cause trouble). But we can't have anyone with even the faintest liberal stank, because he'll lose people like me, who light a candle and feel very fragile all day on Reagan's birthday.
Nope, Rollo Tomasi is the way to go. The Romney nomination is a crime, but the real perpetrator is the GOP machine. You can't spend your life trying to seek vengeance for something a machine did. Gotta have name. Who do we blame? Rollo Tomasi.
Either that or Ryan Gosling. I don't actually know who this is, but people seem to like him.
5. Just get up every morning and not be Obama. Yeah, yeah, I hear people say, "Oooh, Romney's just the same as Obama, he's just as bad!" I'm sorry, are you high? Obama is a country-ruining machine. He's a ninja at making things worse. He stays up late trying to figure out what he can screw up, how to make life crappier for decent people, how to weaken and humiliate us in front of other nations, and how to keep unemployment and foreclosures briskly perking along.
Romney, at least, will just sit there grinning, and that's about it.
Hey, I'll vote for that. Now where's my Propranolol?