I meet a couple of friends each morning to work out. Inevitably, the conversation turns to the guys complaining about their wives. This makes me very uncomfortable, so I try to change the subject. What constitutes legitimate “letting off steam” — and what is downright degradation?
Tom: There is a very fine line between the two, and it takes great care not to cross it. And yet, while the line is fine, the difference is profound. One builds up our spouses and marriages, and the other denigrates both. And a thoughtful person usually can sense when the conversation devolves into something it shouldn’t. (And, of course, we should point out that this issue isn’t gender-exclusive.)
Usually, when someone complains about a spouse, he or she doesn’t stop to think about the impression this paints in the mind of the listener. Think about it for a minute: As a husband, hopefully a man knows and appreciates all the great qualities of his wife. However, his buddies may not know about these qualities. Some of them may not know his wife at all, except for the things he tells them. In other words, a friend’s perception of a man’s spouse may very well consist exclusively of the things he has told him. Now, if a man only refers to his wife when it is to complain about her, what kind of shrewish mental image is he constructing for his friends? In their minds, after enough conversations, she may sound downright horrendous. The Church calls this the sin of “detraction.” As Father John Hardon, whose cause for canonization is under way, wrote in his Modern Catholic Dictionary, detraction is “revealing something about another that is true but harmful to that person’s reputation.”
Since in marriage the two are one, and called to grow in perfect love for each other, detraction is particularly offensive when committed against a spouse.
Caroline: Are we suggesting that you can never, ever share anything negative about your spouse? Of course not. Marriage is hard work, and no one has a perfect spouse. There may be times when you’re really struggling and you’d like the counsel of a wise and trusted marriage veteran. Or maybe you’d just like to talk and let someone listen. We believe those cases are best handled privately, one-on-one, with a close friend, family member or spiritual adviser. If you are torn because you really want the prayers of your friends, you can state your intention in less explicit terms. For example: “I’d like to pray that my wife and I can come up with a good game plan for household responsibilities.” And leave it at that. A simple prayer request is so much more beneficial to the body of Christ than a complaint like: “My wife nags me constantly about the yard and it’s driving me nuts!”
So what should a person do in this kind of situation? Be the leaven for your friends. Be bold! The next time the conversation takes a downward turn, speak up and say that you’re not comfortable with constant “spouse bashing”; then interject a positive comment to turn the discussion around.
The McDonalds are family-life directors for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.
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Thank you for this article. Friends of mine haven’t been married very long and the wife is constantly complaining about her husband and his family. Even more so lately because of some things. Fortunately she has also told me things that she appreciates about him. I overheard a conversation between the two the other day and I can tell things are strained. I know them both and I pray for them. It is hard not to harp on the bad things about a spouse and I don’t know how my Mom didn’t complain more. My Dad was very less than ideal as a spouse and I don’t know how she stayed married to him for so long. She definitely did purgatory time here.
To accept another person in marriage is to accept responsibility to be the primary source of the love and happiness that person will know in life. It is an awesome responsibility. When two become one flesh, anything one thinks, or says or does has a direct and inescapable impact on the other partner. If I drink, watch porn, get mean and angry and abusive, spend too much money and time on just myself, refuse to communicate or to help out in the household—these are things that rip away at the partnership, the one flesh, that marriage is. Loyalty, affection, forgiveness, good humor, trust, courtesy, ability to listen and communicate—these are the ways in which we love one another. Every day, every moment brings a choice about how to act. The relationship depends on it. My partner’s happiness in this life depends on me. May God give us both the grace to transcend ourselves and to cherish each other.
I think there is a betrayal of trust when spouses complain outside of the marriage. If there is any doubt in your mind whether or not to voice something about a spouse, use the old standard: if my husband/wife were present would I be comfortable talking about him/her this way? Marriage is sacred and any problems should be worked out between God and the couple.
Every Saturday morning on the driving range before golf, the guys “shoot the bull”. Maybe it’s the excitement of anticiaption of playing but it is definitely a place where there is a lot of wife bashing—some jokingly but most is pretty nasty. I met my best friend on this same driving range 15 years ago when I heard him saying nice things about his wife. It was so out of place that it drew me to him and we have been best friends since. Now, since, we have had some very private conversations about how “she handles the kids” ect. but it is quite clear to both of us that anything said is in confidence and with the understanding the we both love our wives. Fortunately our wives have become best friends from our friendship. It is disturbing to both of us to hear others bad mouth their wives. And here is a warning. Don’t take sides and agree with their rantings. Saw that happen once when a guy was considering divorse. A couple of guys in his regualar foursome agreed and when the couple got back together, the husband then knew what his buddies thought of the one he loved. Not a good thing for a continued relationship.
I do think that it is good to occasionally say a nice thing about your wife in these all men situations. I have done it a few times and saw a few of the guys follow suit.
Too often hear the wife nag or complain their hub is not as good a provider and too often I hear others say.. that the wife should divorce her hub if he does not provide or if he is having trouble providing. They do this instead of being supportive. It is all about money for these women.
It is awful. It is usually these homeschooling SAHMs who are superficial in their spiritual life, boss parish folk around and don’t care about what they look like. To them it is all about having 6 kids and never having to work. It is about ‘faith done right’ and their way.
Then they moan and go into shock when their hubs leave them.
Personally, I think that someone who is constantly spouse-bashing in order to vent is painting themselves in a bad light as well! In other words, if your husband/wife is so awful, what kind of idiot are you for having married them in the first place? I don’t think bashers take that into account when they launch into their litany of grievances. It’s not seeking out wise counsel, or even an attempt to blow off a little steam (doing a workout, or cleaning something, would probably work better to blow off steam!)
If things are really that bad, get some real help from real professionals, pray, get into counseling, etc, etc. And if things aren’t that bad, shut up and be grateful that they aren’t! Nobody is married to Prince Charming or an angel. Our spouses are human beings with faults. Just. Like. Us.
And quite frankly, try to find something more interesting and edifying to talk about than your spouse’s faults. Nobody is really all that interested whether he mows the lawn promptly or whether she burns the steak every time!
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