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Emily Stimpson is the author of The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years, in which she shares her firsthand advice for Catholic single women who hope to get married one day. She recently spoke about her book, the impact it’s having, and why joyful singles are a needed witness in the world today.
What prompted you to write this book? How did your own experiences affect this work?
Mostly, a growing recognition that more and more single women were wrestling with the same issues I’ve wrestled with over the past 15 years, and there weren’t any practical resources from a Catholic perspective to help them in that wrestling. There were books that talked about how to find a spouse, books about how great the single life can be, and books that were memoirs of the single life — but nothing that addressed many of the concrete challenges faced by faithful single Catholic women wanting to get married, still hoping to get married, but trying to live the best life they can now.
So my book attempts to give them that resource, addressing not just questions about dating and chastity, but also careers, finances, housing, friendships, coping with depression and more. I address those issues both through explaining what the Church teaches, then offering practical applications of the teaching based on my own and other women’s experiences.
What is the most important message you want to give to single Catholic women in terms of them having hope in God’s plan for their desire for marriage?
To trust God. He really does know what he’s doing, and this time of singleness is not unaccounted for. It’s part of his perfect plan to lead us to himself and make us the women he’s calling us to be. Likewise, to never give up hope. It’s never too late to get married. Probably the only expiration date on a vocation to marriage is death.
What response have you gotten from your fellow singles?
Probably the most common is: “It’s so good to know I’m not the only one struggling with these issues.” It's hard for most women to admit their struggles with singleness, and, because of that, they can end up feeling very alone in it.
What more can the Church do for singles in terms of helping them find their spouses?
I’m not sure what more the institutional Church can do. Praying during the General Intercessions for singles discerning their vocation, struggling with loneliness or seeking a spouse would be a start. Offering events at parishes that aren’t just for families or couples, but for all adult parishioners would also be great. But the most helpful thing might just be individual Catholics welcoming single people into their homes, introducing singles to each other, and just encouraging us and guiding us as we navigate the dating scene.
What practical tips would you give your fellow single Catholics?
To set aside the world’s opinion of what you should be doing or what’s impressive and discern as best you can what God has for you in this moment and do it. Also, to take advantage of all the opportunities singleness brings: traveling, serving, learning. Spend time with married friends and their children, learning as much as you can from them about the nuts and bolts of family life. Above all, spend time with God. Learn to go to him in all things, and depend upon him for everything. Let him mold you and form you into the person he made you to be so you can live the life he wants you to live.
This book is for women, but what does it offer Catholic single men?
More insight into the feminine mind than is probably fair. Besides that, it has some practical advice on vocations, dating, chastity, finances, career decisions, marriage and suffering that I’m hearing some guys are finding helpful. That surprised me, as the book was written for women, but I guess if it works, it works.
Is there a special saint you’d recommend single Catholics seek the intercession of?
I’ve dubbed St. Catherine of Siena (a lay consecrated virgin), St. Edith Stein (a philosopher and religious) and St. Gianna Beretta Molla (a wife, mother and doctor) as my book’s three patronesses. I figure between the three of them I’ve got all the vocational bases covered, and, more importantly, each I believe has something very important to teach single women today. Two of them actually were single women for a time in the modern era — St. Edith and St. Gianna. Accordingly, I think they understand a bit what we’re going through and can offer some particularly powerful assistance to us in our struggles.
How can families support their single children/grandchildren, etc.?
The most important thing they can do is pray for them. It also helps if they make an effort to understand just how hard it is right now for most Catholic singles to find someone who is willing to date chastely and who practices the faith (or any faith for that matter). Be supportive about their decision to put God and the Church’s teachings first and stay hopeful for them. In other words, don’t encourage them to compromise what they believe to be right and true, but also don’t consign them to “permanent bachelor” or “old maid” territory just because they’re not married at 35 or 40.
You have an upcoming column for the Register about lists vs. standards. Can you elaborate on what are the non-negotiables when it comes to looking for a good Catholic spouse?
Well, I like to say that love, among other things, means never asking someone to commit a mortal sin. So, in terms of dating, that means only dating someone who loves you and respects you enough to remain chaste while dating and remain open to life after marriage. Also, someone who — if not already a Catholic or a strong Catholic — admires and respects your faith, is interested in learning more about it, and has demonstrated that he desires to grow in both faith and virtue. Our spouses are our life’s companion on the journey to God. They’re supposed to help us grow in holiness, so we want to make sure that the person we marry is going to be a help in that journey and not pull us in the opposite direction.
Modern culture is very much opposed to a good single Catholic’s way of life. How can Catholic singles best live their singleness in this world we’re living in?
By being joyful, hopeful, uncompromising witnesses to the truth of the Church’s teachings about femininity, sexuality, vocation and holiness. For anyone, married or single, those teachings are the only path to peace, wholeness and joy. But if no one in the culture sees people walking that path, it’s going to be awfully hard for them to believe that or walk it themselves.
Amy Smith is the Register’s associate editor.
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I was single into my thirties. I am now almost 50 and I still have some friends and relatives my age who are single. I noticed a big difference between my single guy friends and single girl friends (all good Catholics). The women definitely want to be married and make themselves miserable by worrying about it. The guys on the other hand, good devout Catholics that they are, say they want to get married but they don’t. They thwart all attempts to be set up or to meet women on their own. Deep down they prefer singleness. I don’t think it does women any good to keep hope alive when it is quite apparent that by a certain age if men aren’t married it’s because they don’t want to be. Therefore the only way a woman of the same age could get married is finding a widower or a divorced man with an annulment and there are only so many of those. Of course a few Catholic women in their forties and fifties and beyond will find someone but it just isn’t very likely. Better to make peace with singleness and live it in the most productive and joyful way possible. I don’t think keeping hope alive after a certain age does women any favors. If God wants you to meet someone it will happen but best to just move on mentally and you will be a lot happier.
I would not want to be a marriagiable respectable Catholic woman in today’s world. I have five nieces that have been raised “No sex before marriage”. They are all very beautiful (trust me) - I do have three married nieces as well but it took them a long while to find Mr. Right. They were cosing in on the pique of fertility, and wanted large Catholic families - NO PILL. You really do have to understand the hedonistic culture that prevails in the West. Girls who date wonder “If I date him, should I let him have sex on the first date,second, third…?” It’s not a question of “if” but when. If they want to date. My nieces date by “group-dating” - no one-on-one situations. I work with people who have taught thir children this horrible culture: “As long as you’re happy!”, which is mindless and godless as you can get. Marriage is contingent and expendable. Unfortunately I have no answers. Neither do my nieces and their parents, who are not panicking yet. I am panicking for them. Do we create cities for Catholics only? There has to be an answer.
Hi MM. That’s a fair perspective, but I think it is more accurate to say the guys are just uncomfortable talking about their singleness. For a man to say he is single and unhappy about it is to publicly brand himself as a failure. There is also a certain resistant to being pushed by people who you think, rightly or wrongly, (a) don’t understand your problems, or (b) just want to nag and scold you. Take my word for it that a lot of single men over thirty (a) never imagined they would be single so late in life; (b) really dislike being single; (c) feel alienated from a church community where so many people are married and they’re not; and (d) find the whole situation intensely frustrating. Unfortunately, what most men do is retreat to their interior man-cave and stew in their anger. Women are more apt to express their feelings publicly. For the guys it is a very unhealthy situation. It is not just trial for the ladies. As Emily says, I think Catholic parishes could do a lot more to talk about singleness and encourage the community as a whole to facilitate interactions without making particular singles feel they are being picked on or manipulated by others. I am totally baffled why there are never, ever, prayers for lonely people seeking marriage at intercessions. If I were a bishop, I would mandate these at least once a quarter in perpetuity. That would definitely get the message across that single people people need assistance from their friends and those they trust but not hectoring from people they don’t know.
I would so strongly disagree with MM! My amazing step-mother-in-law lived a very fulfilling single life until she was 60! She had a good career and spent a great deal of her time and energy taking care of her mother and chronically ill brother and childless aunt. She had met her future husband years earlier and they reconnected a year after he was widowed. It is true she never bore her own children but now she has 5 children, plus all he in-laws and 12 grandchldren. She had to wait a long time, but she ended up with a fine man. She insists she has had a wonderful life and it was worth the wait to get married.
@Timmy Prfect comment. Sex is taken for granted. If you don’t do it, then you’re out of the market. And believe, it’s a market.
J. Telthorst ,
That’s a lovely story & it’s true that there are exceptions to the rule.Beatrix Potter married happily later in life,as have others.But often,older people are single for a reason besides lack of opportunity.It’s not good to despair but best to be prudent, especially as a practising Catholic.
Wonderful and needed article! I do wish the intercessory prayers would include singles searching for a spouse, those living the chaste single life, strong marriages, and those hoping to conceive.
Timmy ,
I hear what you’re saying.
In orthodox Catholic colleges,while it’s not a perfect world, you’re far more likely to find others who still believe in Catholic teaching on dating & marriage.(Two of my children met their spouses that way, thankfully.)
Elsewhere,as ” A girl ” states, it can be pretty depraved & depressing.If it’s a “marketplace”, then buyer beware…
As with every situation, when we focus on ourselves we get in trouble. So, if we are single, and we harp on that, on the fact that we are alone, and no one loves us and woe me, then we will just be miserable. The best approach is to find opportunities to serve, go beyond ourselves and put others first. The vocations to “love” is not limited to a marriage relationship. We can “love” in many ways, and that love can be fruitful in many ways as well. My advice to singles: get out and serve, and remain close to Christ. Take the focus away from yourselves, and you will then bless others and be blessed in return. Being alone does not necessarity mean one will be lonely. I have been a widow for 14 years now, raising my son with the help of grace and surrounded by loving family. When I harped on my “loneliness” I always got in emotional trouble. But when I turned around and saw the blessings in my life and started to do for others, including my son, life changed. Follow Mother Teresa’s motto: JOY: Jesus, others, Yourself, and you will be happy!
Single for a reason? You bet. The dating world is closed to us because we won’t engage in premarital sex
I want to add the need for Catholic colleges to step up to the plate long before the parishes. I remember being at Franciscan in the 80’s and the message was overwhelmingly - don’t even THINK of dating and concentrate only of your education.
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My dh (now) and I ignored that advice and while we weren’t perfect during our dating time, I don’t regret finding him and dating. We are soon celebrating 28 yrs. and have 11 kids.
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Now, I have so many (too many) friends whose children go off to good Catholic colleges and though their kids are surrounded by other great Catholic kids the parents, with the support of the college administration, work very hard to discourage them from even thinking about dating much less marriage until after graduation. How does this help? After graduation they leave campus, off to far-flung states, jobs w/ few if and any Catholics around, parishes w/ no singles and before you know it their kids find themselves still single at 30 and hating it.
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This is NOT an endorsement of abandoning all we have learned from sharing dorm space and hooking up. However, how did good Catholic colleges become so seemingly anti-marriage and close the door to reality that students just might find their spouse over a cafeteria tray of food or bunsen burner.
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For me, if a young person is over the age of 20, is at a good Catholic college, discerns religious life is not their vocation, they should be devoting a good bit of prayer to God and St. Joseph to help them find their spouse before they graduate as they are unlikely to be with so many other like-minded young adults in their lives.
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I don’t want Catholic colleges to have “Date Nights”, I don’t think they should be so restrictive or negative (even through subtle peer pressure) towards young adults dating/courting/whatever as they approach their junior/senior year.
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Marriage is and always has been a sacrament, yet too often Catholic colleges do not give it the regard it deserves as such.
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This is an on-going conversation but I get discouraged when I read all about what ‘parishes’ should be doing and not what Catholic colleges might be doing.
Posted by Cubs Fan on Monday, Jul 9, 2012 2:18 PM (EST):Single for a reason? You bet. The dating world is closed to us because we won’t engage in premarital sex
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Sure, for some younger folk there’s truth in this, but older singles, I don’t know.Maybe so, but there are some people with personality & other issues that are 50 & single for good reason.And maybe best to remain in that state.
“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” (Jerome Kern).
I totally agree with you RMW! I knew people at Franciscan who were in that situation also and it was very frustrating. Because one young couple I knew was discouraged from dating they broke up and the woman had a very hard time finding a good Catholic man after college. She eventually did but she was 30 years old when she married. So colleges AND parishes AND friends AND parents should be stepping up to the plate. The only thing that is left for older singles is Catholic online dating but that isn’t perfect either. A girlfriend of mine got frustrated because every time she tried to get to know someone on one of the Catholic dating websites she was blocked due to her age (mid forties). Apparently all the guys that age wanted younger women instead of women their own age. So my advice is similar to ML’s: Leave it all in God’s hands, be willing to accept whatever God’s will is for you, and get busy with more productive endeavors. I say this as someone who obsessed way too much when I was single and basically drove myself crazy.
Great Article- and a book that is very much needed today!
I however, would LOVE someone to write about or research the correlation between gay men in our society and single women. It seems to me that more men are choosing to live a gay lifestyle without all the commitments and sacrifice of laying down their lives for the other (openness to life, life long monogamy- why bother?). This in turn affects the number of available men for women to marry. When will society wake up to this reality?
As for the pool of single men in their 40’s and 50’s that we seem to find in EVERY diocese-my hypothesis is that they are lazy to marry or have been to affected(castrated) by the feminist movement. One of the biggest impediments to a successful marriage is laziness. Taking the leap into marriage is just too hard for these men who don’t want to work to support a family and grow in holiness to learn unconditional love of a woman. They are missing out!
Great article. I particularly agree with Ms. Stimpson that the Church could really help singles by praying, in particular by praying for them during the General Intercessions at Mass. Prayer always helps, and if said at Mass, it would give married couples and the clergy an awareness that single Catholics really could use some encouragement from the Church. I understand that both the clergy and married couples are busy people- singles are busy too for that matter- but how hard would it be to include single Catholics in the prayers at Mass? That is not time consuming and would at least show that the Church cares.
Maybe, just maybe, there are some people who remain single because of the fact that they are CALLED to the single life? Maybe they have gifts that would be difficult to cultivate and share with the world if they decided to get married? Maybe they are not temperamentally suited for the kind of intimate interdependence that marriage requires? And maybe, just maybe, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Maybe they aren’t missing out on that level of togetherness, but if they decided to pursue it despite their better judgment, they would drive themselves and a husband or wife absolutely insane!
When I was a kid in Catholic school, the Sisters taught us that there were three vocations: The consecrated religious life (which they portrayed as far superior to the others,) the married life, and the single life, and that each of these paths were a calling from God.
Maybe a good path for the Church to take is to not try to encourage people to a state in life for which they are not suited, but to demonstrate the love of Christ to those in the state of blessed solitude, including treating the single life as a valid vocation, which it is, and not just a way station en route to marriage or the consecrated life. I personally think that the Church needs to do more to encourage young people to discern what God is actually saying to them. Maybe those who are NOT called to be married wouldn’t pursue it with the misery-inducing desperation that seems to plague a lot of single people. And maybe people who might be called to marriage wouldn’t feel so pressured to nail down Mr. or Miss Right Now instead of waiting for Mr. or Miss Right. That in itself might be a recipe for reversing the trend of the high rate of divorce.
For what it’s worth, I had three second cousins (who we kids called aunts and uncles,) who were single. They were all productive and talented. They all led holy lives, were not selfish with their resources, and by the way, they led very interesting lives. None of them ever felt any call to marriage. And they all were, at least to outward appearances, quite happy.
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