Recently, NCRegister.com blogger Simcha Fisher asked Catholic singles:“What Do Single People Need From the Church?” It certainly struck a chord, because she had more than 230 responses in the comment box. Some people argued that the Church always forgets about the single people: They have vocation retreats for youth; they have ministries to strengthen families. But what about the singles who don’t feel called to the religious life and haven’t met their spouses yet? Where is the place for them?
“Most Church leaders don’t realize that four in 10 adults in the U.S. are single,” said Christina Ries, editorial director of CatholicMatch.com, the Catholic online dating site.
So, how can the Church serve the single members of the body of Christ? Catholic Match has responded to the challenge.
The Catholic Playbook: Lenten Reflections for Singles is the first in a series of Catholic “playbooks” published by Catholic Match. It is a 40-day meditation book that includes reflections written by Catholic singles from all walks of life that focus on the core questions of the single vocation. Each story is followed by a prayer, written by Father Gary Caster, which gives practical ways to persevere on the Lenten journey. The foreword to the book is written by Bishop Kevin Rhoades of Fort Wayne-South Bend, Ind., and the book has been endorsed by Catholic author and speaker Mary Beth Bonacci.
“We are proud to be a dating site, but we want to be more. We want to be a ministry and a center of resources for single Catholics,” said Ries.
A sample excerpt states: “As part of my Lenten practice, I do give something up, but it must be something I’ll be longing for with every part of me. When I have chosen the right sacrifice, these 40 days of Lent can seem like an eternity. Perhaps that’s why the single life can often feel like Lent: I feel that something is missing, something I truly desire and yearn for.
“I find myself waiting and hoping for a long period of time to come to an end. … Unlike my Lenten sacrifice, which can be easily broken, the single life is not so easy to break if I want to experience what I am really looking for. The 40 days of Lent, like life, cannot be rushed if we are truly to appreciate and rejoice in a glorious Easter.”
“Like the Psalms, the reflections in this book are written from the heart and express the full range of human emotions: longing and loneliness, repentance and purification, periods of intense suffering and moments of deep joy,” wrote Bishop Rhoades. “They bear poignant witness to the fact that whatever is in our hearts can be offered to Christ as part of our complete gift of self to him.”
And Bonacci wrote, “Lent is an ideal time for single Catholics to focus on growing closer to Christ, and this collection of meditations focused on our single state of life is an ideal way to do that.”
Ries explained how the idea came about: “Initially, we put out the call through Catholic Match for written reflections on the single life and Lenten season. We were overwhelmed by the flood of the responses.”
She added, “We called it a playbook because it sounds really practical in nature. The chapters are easy to read. There is nothing too dense, and you can look back to it for reference.”
Lenten Reflections for Singles is a designed to help busy Catholics fit prayer into their schedules. “The short-and-sweet reflections help you to fold prayer into the hustle and bustle of life. We want to help you fit it in, whether you are praying in the elevator at work or while making coffee,” Ries said.
Holy Week is the perfect time to renew your Lenten commitments and reflect deeply on Our Lord’s passion. “It’s definitely not too late. Our lives are busy, and we are living high-paced lives, but we need Lent more than ever. We need a time to reflect and unplug. It’s helpful to have this guidebook to do that,” Ries said. “These reflections cater to the Holy Week process. Holy Week is the time to dig in and experience some real meaningful prayer.”
As for my own take on the book, although there are definite perks to single life, sometimes it can feel very lonely. The reflections from my fellow singles help me to remember that during this time of discernment my main focus should be to better my relationship with God.
This single state is a gift and a time to give of myself in a way that only a single person can do. Each of us is called to a specific mission. You may feel like just a single musical note in a great symphony, but if you aren’t there who else will play that note?
The Church needs the single people to be involved, and we need the Church for our nourishment.
As Mary Beth Bonacci shared with me: “Singles tend to be the ‘invisible parishioners’ in many Catholic churches. We see that parish life revolves primarily around families, and we’re not sure how we fit in. So we sit in back, where the pastor doesn’t see us, and we leave immediately after Mass. And so nobody knows we’re there, and the parish life continues to revolve primarily around families. It would be wonderful, and very good for the parish community, if pastors would do more to reach out to single parishioners and invite them into the family of parish life. But we can make a difference by being visible, in a good way. We can volunteer in the parish food bank. We can become lectors and Eucharistic ministers. We can participate in Bible studies. We can really ‘join’ our parishes.”
This book can help remind us of that.
Robyn Lee is a 30-something single Catholic with 25 nieces and nephews.
She blogs for FaithandFamilyLive.com and AmazingCatechists.com.
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Thank you! I’d like a copy of The Catholic Playbook.
Why leave everything to the Pastors, they have far too much on their hands now: Don’t sit in the back, don’t leave before the last Blessing (remember that Judas was the first one to leave Mass early and he was single) and DO make yourself known and volunteer your help and services. The Church is family and everyone is part of the family, no matter what your vocation. +JMJ+
Well, I sit in the front… I am a lector and I am a Eucharistic minister and I am STILL invisible.
When my dad died this summer, neither of my parish priests even asked me - not even once- how I was doing with the loss, or if I could use prayer. (my family lives in a different state, I’m here alone) I would understand if I were a nameless, faceless parishioner - but they know who I am!
I simply can’t imagine that a family with kids in the Catholic School would have gotten the same treatment.
It is not the singles’ job to arrange everything we need from the church. We will happily do what we can to arrange things, but we still need the attention of the priest… and the rest of the parishioners. We can’t do it alone. For Pete’s sake, we do EVERYTHING alone—- and we’re supposed provide our own ministry too?!?!?!?
Please stop with the idea that Singles are sitting in the back, twiddling thumbs, demanding someone do everything for us. Many unmarried men and women are faithfully serving the Church in various capacities. I agree with Renae - “We will happily do what we can to arrange things, but we still need the attention of the priest and the rest of the parishioners. We can’t do it alone. For Pete’s sake, we do EVERYTHING alone—- and we’re supposed provide our own ministry too?!?!?!?”
One problem with activities or ministry to singles is that we’re a varied group. There are, like myself, the never married, not really looking but kind of open to the right relationship if it were to come along, not exactly likely at my age but who knows I’m not dead yet kind of person. Then there are the ‘young’, post-college to 20’s to 40’s, looking and hopeful ones. And are there those who really feel ‘called’ to the single life or have they just fallen into it? There are the chaste homosexuals whom I can only consider with awed admiration and the divorced but un-annullable who are in a similar situation. There are the widowed, those who wish to re-marry and those who don’t. Like Renae, I sit in the front, I’m very active in the parish, and the priest knows me. But still, when I attend parish functions I wish I felt there was a place waiting for me. An empty chair for the person who walks in alone would go a long way toward making me feel part of the parish.
This approach seems to fall into the very trap it wants to help people with: separating singles from the rest of the community, putting them in a special group by their own, that there should be a separate spiritualty for them, etc. This reflects a broader societal trend- categorizing and separating people into groups. This seems to just amplify the problem by making singles convince themselves they are by their lonesome. If someone feels they don’t fit in to the parish and such it is primarily because they have convinced themselves of it! Don’t fall for this mentality but take action and emphasize what you have in common with every other parishioner in what counts- we are not jew or gentile, slave or free, single or married, but all one body…
Older Singles are just plain ignored by the Church. The Divorced singles are treated even worse: they are ignored, they are treated like lepers, the annulment process is more muddy than the Mississippi in spring, and the Church just wishes that they leave, that is unless it can suck something out of them - time or wealth that is!
I’ve been a widow for four years. My husband and I were married 51 years.
Loneliness hurts when you are used to having a mate. I totally agree that the Church parish does not meet the needs of the single person, either widowed, divorced or single. In a recent church survey, my comments were that the single widowed and divorced women need to have some kind of group interaction. There are mens groups, but nothing for women. I’m going to persue this further and I’m hopeful that we could intiate single womens support groups.
I’d like to start a games group for singles aged 60 and older. I’m sure I could get the space in the school hall for free. Once per month we would meet and have a potluck followed by 1 and one-half hours of table games. This could be cards or scrabble. If I get enough interested people I will start that group as soon as possible. Thank you HAL
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