I have to wonder why this priest chose this subject.  It is clear to me that we search in vain, if we have to search for the person God intends for us to marry.  He provides all, not just a grace of desire to be in a vocation but the means to fulfill that calling from God.  When does a Father give his son a scorpion when he asks for bread.  Sure we have free will, but to follow God’s call we must choose Him and Trust in Divine Providence.  He will bring us together to fulfill His love if we just say “yes.”

Miss Right is just as hard to find. I have found that the only answer is Eucharistic Adoration. We need more place of Adoration, then the couple would have somewhere to go on that first date. The Eucharist is our first born child of our primary marriage, the Church and the secondary, the domestic church. If this couple come to love their first born child they will learn how more deeply love themselves and thier children.

It is not, I love you, but I love Christ, you love Christ, we love Christ. For His love is perfect and ours imperfect because we have sined. We can only love each other through the perfect love fo Christ. This is the perfection we seek.

This looks like generally good advice for women. However, I do not agree with the comparison of WW-I to today’s culture. The overwhelming issue today is contraception, which led in part to the legalization of abortion, and opened the doors as stated in Humana Vitae to a host of problems. This “right to choose” is largely defended by women. The pornographic culture is only a symptom of this root cause.

I have several nieces, each of them beautiful young ladies (“neck-breakers” for young men who see them).  They are all having difficulty finding good Catholic men.  The one thing they make clear to any man who approaches them is that there is no sex before marriage.  And the crowds start thinning to nothing.  The Pill has caused heightened expectancy among men, and lowered self-esteem among women as a result.  The women feel they are expected to give themselves on the third date, then the second date, then (as to be expected) on the first date.  My younger sister was a virgin until age 30, because of the peculiar shift in dating dynamics caused by the Pill.  She had given up dating.  Then she decided to marry a very good man who had been pursuing her.  He was a virgin as well, and a great guy.  Why did she wait so long with Prince Charming in the wings?  She was very depressed because of the women she saw sleeping around just to have a man in their lives.  She had (fortunately) four children by the age of 40.  My nieces follow her example.  I have a niece who is a “virgin for Christ” (no vows - but a sound determination) closing in on 35; she is very beautiful, but will not yield.  She knows you cannot have Christ and decadence in your life at the same time.  She has a deep effect on all women she meets.  And on it goes with each of my nieces.  This is the world we live in, and women simply cannot be happy with this sexual abuse with no love caused by the Pill.  I do see a day (perhaps very much sooner than later) when women will learn to say “no!” again because they realize that none the tools of radical feminism (abortion, the Pill, divorce on demand, and a bad attitude) has brought them only sadness.  This is an age of alienation, even within well-established families.  They no longer get along.  Divisiveness all over.  We have forgotten how to love each other - Christ’s premier teaching to love our neighbor as He has loved us; we have forgotten God.  The Pill is our god now.

For Pete’s sake.  It’s not just the women who can’t get married.  The whole marriage economy within the Catholic Church has broken down and band-aid solutions like online dating aren’t the answer.  There are many, many single Catholic men who have done their best to find a Catholic woman to marry but instead have watched the years spin away to no apparent purpose except within God’s unknowable plan.  The reason you hear about the women is that it is socially acceptable for the women to complain that there are no men.  A man who admits publicly he can’t get a date is ridiculed as a total failure, and a man who says he can’t get a date because he wants to marry only a practicing Catholic is doubly ridiculed.  For this reason, I think a lot of marriageable Catholic men marry outside or leave the Church to marry a reasonably Christian woman in another denomination.  To the extent men imagine they are they head of the family, this may be easier for them, though in practice it does mean they are leaving the Church.  For Catholic women, marrying outside the Church is correspondingly harder.  I can’t tell you the number of times that seemingly sensible Catholics have told me that I should marry a Protestant if I can’t find a Catholic; as in, they’re Christians too, what’s wrong with that?  I also believe that it is true that the Church is centered on the life of the Eucharist.  But we mustn’t forget that marriage is also a sacrament, marriage and family life are what draw people back into the Church if they have drifted away, and that drifted-away or lukewarm Catholics who come back to the Church looking for marriage, initially, will discover the Eucharist in time.  Meanwhile, there is a full blown marriage crisis out there, affecting men and women alike.  And nobody wants to do anything about it.

Jon, with all due respect, your comment illustrates why Emily wrote the book.  There are a lot of single people living good holy lives, cultivating good prayer lives, trusting in God, and saying yes to Him every day.  And we’re waiting for that bread, knowing that the Father doesn’t want to give us a scorpion.  But we keep waiting and waiting and waiting… while the friends and family around us ask us why we aren’t married, what’s wrong with us, and maybe we should just settle for the non-Catholic or lapsed Catholic down the street. 
We know that God provides all, as you said, but for some reason, our future husbands aren’t around the corner.  That’s why Emily’s book is so refreshing, and your comment is hurtful.  I know you didn’t mean it to be, but I’m just trying to explain why Father wrote this review.

Too many 20-3o something Catholics are leaving the Church because they want to be entertained at the mega church down the road, where their age group has special programs and bible studies.  I know of one who is getting married this summer, the parents have no say in their child being married in a non-denominational service instead of the family’s long-time parish Church.  Apostasy grows and grows because these young Catholics don’t believe in the REAL PRESENCE of JESUS in the EUCHARIST….how would they leave if they believe that?

My son had the reverse problem, and he did eventually find his wife on a Catholic dating site.  She is from a far-away country, but fortunately found a job for a year on a visa in the U.S. and my son was able to visit her, and she was able to come to where he lives and visit him.  They fell in love with each other, with the help of Our Lady and of course Our Lord, and now have a beautiful baby daughter.  He is in his late 40’s and she is in her late 30’s.  God be praised.  The continue to keep close to Our Lord and Our Lady.

Nice story but what is with single women, well educated who lost their job because they stand up for their believes.. Can they risk to do that when they have nobody supporting them?? If a woman is not married she should be able to stand on her own feet.  So do they have to compromise their conscience and doing what is asked of them in order not to loose their jobs?.

Jon, I’ve met my share of men like you… who think that they shouldn’t have to search, that it “just happens”.  I’ve dated those men. They are infuriating! They seem to believe that if God hasn’t sent them a burning bush with a woman in it… that maybe they’re not meant to be married. In short, they stop putting forth effort.  If the relationship doesn’t seem perfect, they do nothing to grow and to become a suitable partner.
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Newsflash, most marriages aren’t perfect but in them, both men and women work and grow and strive to live for God together.
If marriage is that much work… so too must be dating relationships. When men have a perfectly wonderful woman in front of them, and still don’t feel called to marry her - one of two things must happen: he must turn to God to increase his love for her, and show him how to be the man she deserves (trust me, women are doing all this sort of praying already - we have been since we were about 17!!!)  OR he must have the fortitude to let her go. He must say to her, plain as day and clear as vodka, “I’m not the man for you. Move on.” you don’t get to enjoy her delightful company if you’re not going to commit.  Be man enough to say it.
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I guess for those who don’t have to search, it does “just happen”.  Funny how it seems to “just happen” in everyone’s 20s… but those who are called to suffer for a time without a partner in life, are called to rethink their idea of marriage and how hard they intend to work for a good marriage.
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Let’s be honest… most of these Catholic men who won’t get married are enjoying the fruits of women who are willing to behave like a wife when they are no one’s wife.  Then they wonder why there are no virtuous women.
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The other group of Catholic men who won’t get married, are those who either live in their mother’s basement, or with too many roommates - thereby lacking social skills - and as I’ve seen at a recent Catholic Dating Event… don’t realize they have hair sprouting from places that ought to be groomed, their clothes are ill kept, and various other maladies.  Lest I sound uncharitable… remember, if it’s obvious you don’t know how to care for your own body - ladies are not too confident giving you access to our bodies.
Keep a home and a personal image you can be proud of.

I think it’s time we had an open, honest discussion of the relentless grimness of Catholic single life and the number of souls who are lost because marriage within the Church is an impossible dream and your only options for companionship are to shack up or marry a non-Catholic.  Yes, we have the Eucharist, and if you were better catechized and understood the Real Presence, you would stay, but that is sadly not the case for many who feel called to marriage and family life but find the Church offers them no way forward in that respect and are turned off or oblivious to the deeper message as a result.  If being Catholic means you will not marry until age 40 or beyond, if you marry ever, then only those who are already fervent will sign up for the program.  Everyone else will leave as soon as they get their own driver’s license, which Catholics of both sexes are doing in droves.

I think the answer is to place yourself in an environment where good men can be found.  I have found nice Catholic girls who nevertheless were attracted to dysfunctional guys for some insane reason.  I asked one and she said the stable kind were too boring.  So I think for some the culture has gotten to them.  I read some of the other comments and would agree that if I wanted to find a nice girl that would help me become a saint (as JP2 spoke about) that I would look at a Eucharistic Chapel or a prayer group or Bible study or some place where “boring” people like me would hang out.

I was one of these Catholic-guys-who-could-not-find-a-good-Catholic-girl.
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My advice is, you’ve got to find the places where possible spouses go. Obviously Sunday Mass is a better place than a happy hour, but daily Mass is even better.
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One day, at a week-day Mass on a college campus where I was in graduate school, I found my wife.

  I know Fr. Landry personally since I volunteer at the Food Pantry that his parish offers every Thursday. I think one of the issues that is addressing in the book that he is discussing, as far as meeting compatible Catholic partners of both sexes, in a sense, misses the mark in one sense. He alludes to this time in society being compared to the post WWI period, where I think he needs to go back further in time, to say 100 AD.  The post WWI period in the USA was just seeing the ascendance of our culture, and a greater willingness for the culture to include Catholics. The time we are living in is like Rome 100 AD with texting and HDTV—it’s only a matter of time before the lions are brought back by our “tolerant” society, to appear primetime on cable. It is not so much finding a “good normal Catholic single man or a woman” to date today, but a single Catholic who is willing to be heroic in following the gospel. The times we are living in aren’t “normal” so the way we approach even straightforward issues as dating a good person have to be viewed through that prism.
I always enjoy Fr. Landry’s opinion in my diocesan newspaper but just have a bit different outlook as far as how the society we live in requires a
radical reconfiguring of all we know, including seeking other good Catholic men and women for lifetime partners. But God always provides answers as we seek them, in every age, but what would help is for us to see ourselves as laymen and women “married to the Church” so as to strengthen what we then bring to interacting, in whatever context, with our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

TRS - nice social skills

I’ve read “Party of One” by Beth Knobbe which is written for single Catholics.  I thought it was good.

There are far worse things than being single…

STEP ONE:  STOP LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE.  Instead concentrate on making friends.  Then pick someone from among your guy friends.

Girls (and I say “girls” intentionally, not women) who are fixated on cornering a husband rather than meeting good Catholic male friends are their own enemies…their priority is all wrong and completely selfish.

First be a good friend and you will find good men to be friends.  Then be open to love growing with one of them.

Guess how many single women at my parish approached me for a conversation?  ZERO.  Now that I’m married to a Catholic woman, they are kicking themselves.

Stopping living these “I gotta get married” delusions and concentrate on meeting good men as friends instead.  We are out here.  And we are not here to be your sugar daddy and savior.  Be our friend and look for true friendship and love first, not a wedding ring.

A note to the pastors:  It is appropriate to tell individual single people who long for marriage and are tired of waiting not to wallow in self-pity, as Fr. Landry does above.

However, on the macro level, when they are thinking from an institutional perspective, pastors need to realize that frustration, anger, disappointment, and bitterness are natural human reactions for faithful single Catholics who have followed the rules, been good boys and girls, and saved themselves for marriage only to discover, in their 40s and beyond, that they will probably never marry, they will never have children, and they are likely to be lonely for the rest of their lives including decades of lonely old age.  On top of this, they will be mocked by anyone who discovers they are single and unhappy because to have sex before marriage.

It is profoundly demoralizing (in the sense of destroying morale) and de-moralizing (in the sense of deterring virtuous conduct) to live in a society where people who sleep around mostly do get married, however, imperfectly, while the faithful single Catholics cannot.

Meanwhile, in a parallel to the parable of the prodigal son, the bulk of married couples who dominate parish life consists precisely of these people who got married by cutting corners on premarital sex and contraception and assume that everyone else who wants to get married will do the same.  These people get the keys to the earthly kingdom—husbands, wives, children, normality, non-freak status and social dominance—while those who chose to wait for the fullness of Catholic marriage and do not get it are social outcasts relegated to desultory and depressing singles meetings in the church basement.  In short, the prodigals rule and the “elder son” who waited and stayed faithful is the outcast and the loser.

Pastors and bishops need to wake up to this reality quickly.  There is a whole generation of unmarried Catholics in desperate straits and we are being ignored except for occasional advice to pretend our frustrations and anxieties don’t exist . And oh yes, we get constant advice to go marry a Protestant or a non-Christian if we are unhappy single Catholics.  Pastors and bishops, you need to minister to disappointed singles before the temptation to bitterness and despair takes over.  How about some public prayers for us once in a while?

@Frankie:  Young Catholics are getting married in the Evangelical mega churches because you can get married there and not in the Catholic churches.  The mega churches actually advertise on the point that if you join our church, you can get married.  It’s their number one draw. Their advertisements and posters show couples holding hands.  I once got a direct mail letter from a megachurch:  Dear Mr. X, our church is full of Christian women who want husbands.

@Lucy:  You make my point exactly. “...the friends and family around us ask us why we aren’t married, what’s wrong with us, and maybe we should just settle for the non-Catholic or lapsed Catholic down the street.” 

Apparently Lourdes is a great place for singles to meet. While there at the Military pilgrimage this year,  i met two couples who had met there, and one fellow related how in his family 3 couples had met their spouse at Lourdes. So add pilgrimages to the list of good places to meet good Catholics. Why not make a pilgrimage to meet your mate ? I also know of some couples who met at World Youth day.

The key is getting faithfilled men and women together, to find and live their true vocations.  This is a very real difficulty in a world filled with self-indulgence and immorality. I see this in my own children (male and female) and in the children of friends.  You have only to read the other posts here to see the divisions.

This past week the first year readings, (the one’s we didn’t read at mass),are from the book of Tobit.  What a different view of marriage than we have today.  Two strangers of the same faith who prayed for a spouse and made a commitment without spending any time together - (even in the knowledge that one of them had seven men die on her wedding night!)-, not based on lust, but on love of God and a desire to be parents and meet societal expectations.  I cringe at the idea of women using appearance as a yardstick because men are so vulnerable to be shallow and because women shoot themselves in the foot when the measure is how attractive you are.  When a man tires of you, the excuse will just be what ever flaw you have that can be called “unattractive” (which every human being has) and the woman is to blame.  Proverbs tell us it is the inner beauty that we should cherish and develop.  That inner beauty should keep us from being slobs without trying to be a “TJMaxonista”! Most men want the flesh and the Spirit because they do not yet Love in all His many forms.  Women playing games makes that love harder to find.

TRS, you asked for honesty, most of these Catholic women are using contraception. Then they wonder why there are no vituous men!

Those young single Catholic women need to wake up and get real.  There are no perfect young single eligible men out there.  There is no such thing as compatibility.  The person you are most compatible with is yourself.  There is no such thing as a soul mate.  Your only real soul mate is Jesus Christ.  And there are no marriages made in heaven.  They’re just a lot of work.  I am the last such man standing (with a lot of imperfections) - but not for you.  I’m married already.  In other words, you take your pick and you get what you have chosen, and that’s it.

Are there any books out there for the good Catholic men who are looking for a virtuous wife?

I place a lot of the blame for this on modern media, expecially television.  The media portrays it as normal for men in their 20’s to be irresponsible, childish, and crude.  No wonder so many turn out to be like that.

I’m very happy to read that Fr. Landry considers the number of unmarried Catholics searching for a Catholic spouse a pastoral concern.  A couple of years ago I asked one of the Deacons in my parish if he knew of any good, Catholic single men he could introduce me to, having exhausted a variety of other options within my Diocese.  His answer was to encourage me to join a secular dating site like eHarmony.  I was very discouraged and disappointed in his response and went away feeling like my parish leadership had no interest at all in helping single Catholics find a Catholic spouse.

I waited until marriage, at 35.  I didn’t know any women were waiting also.  After a few kids, I became aware of the on-the-ground pro-life cause and began praying outside mills and attending demonstrations and sidewalk counseling. 

Do that!  That’s where you’ll meet faithful Catholic men and women that aren’t sloppy party drunks on the weekends.  These are the folks to wed!

If I’d had known ealier to stand where faithful Catholics stand, I’d have found such a woman perhaps sooner.  I met my wife via the internet, she happened to be from the state of VIRGINia.  I think God worked a miracle.

Stand for Christ and that’s where He will provide her passing by.  And go get to know her. Perhaps at FOCUS events on college campuses nowadays too.  Offer yourself up to Christ and drop worrying about a mate, then enjoy every face/heart out there and the right one will click with you.  Re-read that last sentence 20 times, and get out and Stand For Christ.

Broken heart and loneliness during prime family-building years?  You got that one, check.  Welcome to the new Catholic lifestyle.

I love all the comments, and Fr. Landry’s article.  I hear him and his brother on The Good Catholic Life radio show (M-F 4-5PM, AM1060) in the Boston area.
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I was past 30 years of age and found myself very sad not to be married yet.  I had dated a lot of guys, but nothing had worked out, just a lot of hurt and disappointment, (to, and by, me).  I reached a point at which I REALLY felt that I would never marry nor have children.  It was a moment of submission to God’s will - I recall praying, and feeling very intently that I would be ALL RIGHT being single, if that was His will.  I reasoned that I could have children in my life, that I could try to be a good aunt to my nieces and nephews and friends’ kids.
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Well, within a few months of my sincere capitulation to the single state, I met the man who would become my husband, and we were introduced by my former fiance!  From day one, our relationship was easy, and the most important aspect of our courtship was a shared Catholic faith, in my opinion.  He was younger than me, but ready to marry and have a family, which we did. 
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Women and men who want to marry should pray and stay hopeful, while living in the world trying to ‘be a self for one another’.  It is very hard to find like-minded faithful partners, but I believe God works for the best in our lives, if we listen to Him.  For women who want to have families, I would advise that you don’t spend too much time with men who won’t commit or say they aren’t ready.  Move on, ASAP.  Perhaps it is a sexist comment, but I believe that men marry when they want to have children, so let the man pursue you, not the other way around. 
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Faithful Catholic singles - Don’t be discouraged, because desperation is not attractive.  Be calm, prayerful and open to where God leads you.  It will be a good place if you follow.

I’m not sure we can blame birth control and abortion for men’s “heightened expectations.”  I think men always had “heightened expectations.”  The only difference was that back in the day they put women in two categories:  women you slept with (and had fun with)  and women you married to keep up appearances (the perfect trophy wife was not necessarily a few decades younger and “hot,” but rather someone deemed “respectable.”  Think Prince Charles and Princess Diana. And we all know how well that worked out.)  I’m in my late 40’s and I knew plenty of boys in high school who’d sleep with any girl that offered, but when asked, all said they wanted to marry virgins. Eesh.  As if they were somehow entitled…
      The only thing birth control did was even the playing field.  I’m not promoting promiscuity, just saying that the “good old days” weren’t all that good. 

Ok my answer is based on my two marriages-the first of which ended in the death of my first wife with me a widower with children.

I think women and men who are in their 30’s, 40’s or 50´s seeking to find the right person for marriage would be wise to read the Patricia Wrona book: The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage, and to read a great article from the Ave Maria Singles website: http://www.avemariasingles.com/amsmag/article.cfm?articleID=37

Now lest you think this is a commercial-it is not although I later married a wonderful gal through the Ave Maria singles Spanish language site. What is the point?

First I suffered from a “visual” condition (before my first marriage) that Patricia Wrona writes about in her book-“Catherine of Alexandria Syndrome”. This is basically the tendency of rejecting any and all possible members of the opposite sex based on their imperfections which hae been magnified out of all proportion. St Catherine of Alexandria was a beautiful woman who rejected countless suitors. One day Christ appeared to her and He basically showed how imperfect SHE WAS and let HER feel rejected based on her imperfections.

Well I finally got married after a courtship to a lovely woman that involved the two of us praying the rosary daily but let me sat that if it hadn´t been for a retreat and a discernment process and a moment of decision (despite not being head over heels in love with my girlfriend) I probably would NOT have married. I also had rejected countless “IMPERFECT” girls. Finally at 37 I decided that I was getting too old to keep on being a fool. Fittingly enough I got married on St. Catherine´s feast day without knowing it!!! The marriage resulted in 5 great kids but my wife died leaving me in pieces and with my life in disarray. This is when things get even more relevant for readers going through the “I´m single and don´t want to be crisis”.

I then got involved with a few singles websites. It was an intense process. I found many attractive 30+ women while I was 46. I was really taken aback by the judgemental attitude; tendency to presume guilt (where none or little was present) and what I can only term “narcissistic” ways of many people of the opposite sex. This problem surely is present among men too. But many single women are there own worst enemy. One 40 something told me flat out that she would not be the mother to my children; another questioned if I had been unfaithful to my first wife!!! others informed me that I should not be looking until I grieved more. Wow so many seemed experts but all were single and seemed oblivious to the cause and insensitive to others. Even friendship seemed out of the question.

Single people out there-I encourage you to be open. If a girl has a child and who was never married-why make it a big deal, guys? Girls-be open to a widower with kids or a guy who is not Tom Cruise nor rich. You Phd self described “perfect catch” women try to realize that there are a lot of good guys who are imperfect but who are devout men. Everyone make a novena-I recommend St. Josemaria or Saint Anthony. be open to another racial group-both my spouses were hispanic. Don´t get too excited by good looks-you will find behind the facade of a really
gorgeous gal or handsome guy a potential horror show of psychological instability or narcissism.

Also, try to find your spouse in pro-life work. My first date with my first wife featured clumsy old me showing my future spouse a pro-life brochure that had a photo of an aborted child in it (cringed yet?). Later we were involved in pro-life activity-this proved to me that her heart was in the right place. Let me say that it is better to rule out people early based on bona fide litmus test’s than on wrongheaded ones (the kind of car he or she drives/ university attended or number of facebook friends; does she come from this family or that or is he/she a certain height or weight or figure).

Believe me, perfect looks give way to reality. What good is Miss America if she is totally selfish and mean? What good is that blue blooded prince if he is a scoundrel or doesn´t want to have children? Better a safe bet who is reasonably attractive (an important point-physical attraction is key) and with similar interests (careful with “opposites attract” cause they later attack!!!) Discuss discuss discuss
and find out their views on family-films can be a great way to discover the person-how do they react to the different problems in the movie-especially dealing with marriage.     

My second wife was single but was less than perfect as I was. My kids were happy with her but the adjustment has been formidable. There is a lesson in this. When people reach 30 plus they get very set in there ways-both genders are guilty. Women nowadays are notoriously “executive” in temperament and “know what they want”. Women are taught to be go getters and be sure of themselves. Cool it ladies. Many of us American men self have excluded ourselves from your clutches because you are too controlling and critical of men. We don´t like to be the butt of jokes and like the article above we do like a pretty and feminine lady-we´re not looking for one of the boys that can out cuss us.  Even when women are good Catholics they can be extremely opinionated and inflexible. Many things are debateable so why even debate it? This can set you up for a clash in marriage with a man who deep down doesn´t like to be pushed around and micromanaged. Dialogue is crucial-if you don´t see openness to communication then run. There are countless marriages with beautiful spouses who are unpracticed in the art of deferring to someone else for the sake of unity.

Finally remember love=sacrifice. If your “steady” is uncomfortable with that watch out for someone better. Try to get involved in visiting the sick-see how he/she does. If it is an internet based relationship it could work but take it slow and don´t get on a plane too quickly. Also it is a good idea to video chat. I once got interested in a “widow” (had a picture of a woman on the profile) who was actually a gay guy. Fortunately there was never a “date” leading to the discovery. Wow-be careful but that was an exception. Most of my experiences were pretty positive. Good luck and have faith! 

To TRS - please re-read John’s post - it sounds like he is looking for a woman to marry and that he is in a state of near-despair because just can’t find one. He rightly asserts the the culture is jacked up : the razor cuts in both directions. Maybe God has judged us and we have been found lacking (?)

The pretense of “Let’s be honest” comes off sounding like “Let’s be cruel”. I hope that is not what you intended. Taking a piss on man down on his luck is not sporting behavior. Making generalizations about groups of people based on your bad experiences is also bad-form. ....“either mother’s basement, or with too many roommates - thereby lacking social skills” - you don’t seem to suggest a positive alternative of what to do. What’s your plan? Live in a priory?

“Lest I sound uncharitable” - you did - give yourself a gold “Jerk of the Day” star and go to confession.

I could turn it around and say something like (years ago) “I went to Catholic Dating Event and all the women I met were shallow, preening, materialistic harpies modeling their lives on paperback-porn and Sex in the City” but that would be both inaccurate and cruel. We all are casualties in this war. Nobody gets out unscathed.

To John - I too have met many fellas like you. I was one of them right up until I gave up trying to find a woman to marry and ponder more what kind of man I ought to be to attract a good mate. After much prayer and in The Fullness Of Time - (somehow) I met my wife at the right time. (It took awhile and it was blind undeserved Grace masked as Chance).

And yes I did live in my mom’s basement - I preferred living with family than to live in near-total isolation like many colleagues - many of whom opted-into cohabitation rather than face the social black hole of living alone…. so very alone.

This notion seems to be born out of an unhealthy modern over-emphasis on “independence”.

Been there done that (living alone 5 yrs) - not fun. Don’t recommend it unless you make avoiding the near-occasion of sin an avocation.

So if cultivating beauty is the the authentically “feminine genius,” then what is the authentically “male genius?”

Our schools train girls to be assertive and independent. Feminine virtues and competencies, if not explicitly mocked, are considered second rate. Homemaking is not a suitable career for an educated woman. Women are not just as good as men, they are the same as men. Boys are sitting there and they hear that message too. They spend their twenties competing with women in the workplace. Then, at 30, women suddenly want to settle down? Ladies, the guy is confused!

exactly-guys are confused but women need to question the message they are getting about themselves. Why is homemaking not a suitable career for an educated woman? Woman are different but seem to be taught by popular culture that they are smarter than men. Why then do these same single women who accept this nonsense and who want to get married do such stupid things like putting down men so readily and writing them off? Living to gether is another dumb thing that men and women do-why get married when you can have the sex and financial benefits of two incomes without having to go through the step of a legal comittment?

Is this review/book saying that because even though I do not feel called to the religious life, and because of family and health reasons am not married, and I have not officially been consecrated to the single life, that my life as a single person is not a valid vocation????  I desire and pray each day that I may fulfill God’s will each day, even if that is simply caring for myself and the home he has blessed me with.  How is that not valid. 

The comments about “retail therapy” to “make themselves feel prettier” to attract a mate….really?  If you want to do this, great, but this one of the book’s discussion being given enough validation by the reviewer as a representative of the Church?  Seems extremely shallow.

People are jumping on TRS a little too much. Asking for good grooming should not be too much to expect.

Please, guys, if your shirt if cotton, iron it, your pants should be worn once, your hair recently cut and you should have shaved that day, if you are going to an event. Note I don’t say anything about height, weight, general attractiveness. THAT needs to get ramped down for both sexes. Instead, a sweet soul, good manners, a winning smile, a fine wit, great eyes, that’s attractiveness in a real everyday sense. But be CLEAN, for heaven’s sakes!

Well, I suppose I mis-interpretted Jon’s comment - which read to me very obviously that he was saying, ” If you haven’t found a spouse, you’re not getting one. Give up already and be happy alone.”
Perhaps my perception was jaded by two ex-boyfriends who essentially said that very thing. They expected to be beat over the head with some magical feeling rather than realizing, we have to work to make relationships work.
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Okay… so at least two commenters have attacked my social skills. You know what? Dating for 20+ years - the last 5 of which are obliterated by texting habits and other shortcuts that result in no one really communicating… sort of turns a person sour.
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@ Donald - I for one have never ever taken the Pill and never will. Why do you think I’m single? Because I don’t have premarital sex.  And let’s not put all of the onus on the women.  How many Catholic men have had the strength of conviction to tell their women friends that they don’t have to poison their bodies, and that there are men out there who are willing to honor a woman’s fertility rather than circumvent it?  I know I haven’t met a single one. 
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Here’s the thing…  some have pointed out that my word’s were cruel…  and I apologize for that. 
However, it’s true that many men who’ve made it to 40 without a wife, don’t take as good care of themselves - and I suspect it is in part, because they don’t have wives to encourage them to go to doctor or to pluck that THING off their face.
I’m not saying looks are the MOST IMPORTANT thing… I’m just saying, when a woman in your life suggests throwing out all the shirts with yellow pit stains…  don’t be so stubborn and DO IT! 

I guess it’s wrong and shallow for me to say that…  but men always tell me that they enjoy that I dress nice, and flattering to my figure.  I just find it ironic that they admire that while wearing a worn shirt with a threadbare collar. If you appreciate that I take pride in my appearance, reciprocate by taking pride in yours.
How many men would find it attractive if I let those little hairs grow out of the mole on my cheek so that it looked like a daddy-long-legs on my face?  I don’t think many… so I pluck them, for the greater good!
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I know this sounds focused on looks…  but what I’m really saying is just make an effort.
Some couples at my church have pointed out the two single men that attend, they look a little older, I never see them smile… and they sort of stand back and blend into the background.
Now, it’s quite possible that they both possess all the qualities that I’m looking for - but I may never know because not only to they never strike up a conversation - they don’t put themselves in a position to be approachable.  I tend to stand around and chat with the folks I know after Mass - very easy for others to join the conversation .... but I have never seen those two men after the final song.  they disappear.
I can only assume they want to continue to be alone.

I’m a very outgoing person. Shrinking violets are not attractive to me. I don’t need a prince charming or a hero… but he should be brave enough to socialize.

@ Therese Z —thank you!
You wrote that as I was writing my second defense!  You are precisely dead on!
I don’t mind taking on a fixer-upper—but I expect it to be a house, not a man.

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as for the living in a basement comment….  I managed to own my own property with no help from my parents.  it’s not too much to ask that a man can maintain his own living quarters - bought or rented.  But mooching off your parents isn’t attractive.
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(for the record, my home is modest and charming, not grand - I don’t expect more from a man than I can provide myself.  I don’t care for flashy possessions…. and I’d be more impressed with your 10 year old car that’s paid for - than with your brand new BMW - not that I would discourage you from having a nice car either!)

I echo Bill’s sentiments. God calls, but we don’t always listen. I only got married by working on myself, to make myself the type of candidate I would want if I were the other person, and discernment. By working on myself, I was able to see my imperfections at least as well as the woman’s, and by discernment in prayer and spiritual direction, I was able to see the obvious right in front of me: a beautiful woman, who was even interested in me, but to which I was otherwise not interested in for so many considerations. God knew what he was doing, thank God!

TRS your comments are dead on and accurate….and your sense of humor is icing on the cake…enjoy the rest of the day

I prayed for many years for a good Catholic woman to come into my life. I despaired, struggled, called on every patron saint I could think of, and finally handed it all over to God.

I began St. Louis de Montfort’s Preparation for Consecration to Jesus through Mary. A few days later, I met my future wife while we were both doing volunteer work at the church. We reconnected at daily Mass a few days later, and the rest is blessed history.

Many years and several children later, I can say with certainty that I was not ready to be married until the time God chose, though I thought I was. His time is the right time, and if He’s making you wait, there’s a reason.

Thank you Robert! 
I’m blunt and sarcastic and not everyone appreciates that - (or maybe they don’t know how to read sarcasm)
So thanks for encouragement!
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and seriously, don’t think I haven’t sworn several friends to hair-plucking patrol should I ever become incapacitated to the degree that I can’t see or do my own plucking!

I wish we had matchmakers such as Orthodox Jews use.Dating sites have their uses but there’s nothing like an actual human being sorting out the prospects for you.

Kathleen, how about the Marriage Bureau at the Shrine of Our Lady of Knock? http://www.knockmarriagebureau.com A tri.p to Ireland is a small price to pay to find the woman/man of your dreams! ;-)

TRS, you don’t need to put out (like grandma said: why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free?), but maybe a hanj every once in a while.  Omelets and eggs, you know.

TRS, I am glad to hear you are amoung the 15 percent of Catholic single women, who do not use contraception. You have passed the first test. I am a widower now, but let me tell my story. I married my wife after returning from three years of service in the Army followed by four years of college, so I was 32.

This is how I proposed, “Blessed are you amoung women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, for it shall bear my children” I had 26 wonderful year in the married life. See thing do work out.

I’m not sure I believe that there is no such vocation as “celibate single layperson”. Some people have disabilities that make them unsuited for marriage or a religious vocation.  Does God simply have no vocation for them? I’m uncertain that there was such a thing as a convent yet in the days when St. Paul wrote to the Corinthians.  What sort of life could he have been recommending when he wrote about remaining unmarried?

Kathleen and others:  I am a 62 year-old Catholic man, happily married to the same woman for 39 years, and with nine children and six grandchildren.  I grieve for the many people having the frustrations expressed here.  Like you, I have also thought at times that matchmakers may actually be a viable alternative for finding a suitable Catholic spouse.  To that end I invite any single Catholic to email me (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)) with a description of themselves and a statement of what they yearn for in a marriage partner.  I will respond with any questions and advice I think helpful.  I will be looking for men and women with sincere hearts that I believe would like to know one another.  I will pray for everyone who contacts me.  Please give your location.  I am not a professional counselor, just an experienced Catholic layman with a deep love for Christ and his Church.

Jennifer Davis - I cannot speak for the intentions of the author of the book, but there are temporary and permanent vocations. Look at Paul’s writings. There are amazing things for the kingdom that single people are able to do that married are not! There is just a difference between being consecrated single and “single for now, because I’m discerning.” One is necessarily permanent; the other may be temporary.

Another note - I really found a comment earlier very resonating - the one advising single Catholic women to just look for more Catholic men as friends. I also found some comments about looking beyond the past and looking for friends in pro-life activities and Eucharistic Adoration VERY true to my experience.

I am the youngest of three siblings, all non-contracepting/virgins until marriage, faithful and active Catholics. Truth be told, both my brother and sister are more textbook ready for marriage than I am; yet they are both in their 30s and single and I got married at 26 to a wonderful Catholic man and now have a first child. I often wonder how this is the case and why I’m the first and only child married of my siblings. We seem so similar!

I think a lot of that hinges on the friends of the opposite gender issue. My sister just commented to me that she only has one guy friend. I really think that may be what is holding her back, so to speak, from finding her vocation.

I’ve always had both male and female friends. In fact, I have a very strong aversion to “women only” events and, unless I can really see a good reason for excluding guys, just don’t attend them. I left undergrad and a bad relationship and was determined to not discern for at least a year after moving to a new job as a youth minister. I just wanted to focus on serving the youth of my parish. As a result, I made a lot of friends - and was ONLY interested in friendship. I was always “shopping” for volunteers. That put me in a position where I was looking for the same qualities in guys I’d want in a husband but without any motive of looking for a husband.

At the same time, as a youth minister, I was growing into a woman who would be ready to marry one of those “ideal guys” I was trying to find to volunteer. Two years later, when I was finally ready myself, I was already in an environment with a lot of good male friends. In January I told God that I was finally ready to accept whatever vocation He had for me. That spring I recruited the man who would be my future husband into youth ministry; by Lent God showed me, definitively, that my vocation was to marriage and I knew within a few weeks that I would mary my future husband. A year of discernment later (and some patience from me) and he knew, too.

Again, I think the key to why my experience was different from so many others is that I was just in an environment with so many good male friends. Even though my husband was a “new” friend, it was very comfortable when we met to just go out to lunch and get to know each other. For him to come over and hang out with a group of friends and it not be a high-pressure dating experience. It was soooo natural for us to progress from people in the same social/Adoration/pro-life circles to friends to discerning to engagement to marriage. 

I don’t think everyone needs to be a youth minister. But if you are in a position of serving the Lord through some ministry you are passionate about (as we are quite able during single years) and are meeting other people in that ministry, it does create a natural environment of finding people who are dedicated to serving God in a compatible way. If you meet someone doing pro-life work, they’re a lot more likely to be pro-life. And it’s a way to just meet people, appreciate them for who they are, and give God an opportunity to put one and one together.

I susupect ds’s comment (4:50 PM) above is inappropriate and should be deleted.

I find it interesting that most of these comments are by men.  There are a fair amount of women trying to challenge what the men say…and that is ironic. 

It’s embarrassing being a single Catholic female and watching people around me get married…I give God control and reign over my life, and I trust in him.  I think the issue is how to be sane while waiting…and it’s a waiting game for women.  As soon as men want to get married, there are TONS of women just begging you to marry them, but I suppose it’s just as difficult to discern the “right” person for men as women…

I just wish our world wasn’t as obsessed with premarital sex.  The sheer number of Catholic men on CatholicMatch.com who don’t believe in the Church’s teachings on premarital sex is mind-baffling.

Dear friends, it’s not only the women who are having trouble finding a good husband,it’s also the men trying to find a good wife. I have a tall and handsome 38-year-old son who for years has had that same difficulty even though he has registered on all those Catholic websites where young people can meet. It has made me think that, in these troubled times, finding a good wife is not easy because women have become “too easy.” It’s sad…

I don’t know if the book mentions this or not, but one of the things that I have seen becoming more and more of a problem is a misunderstanding by women (and men) of the primary end of marriage.  Before I write anymore, I will qualify this by saying that it is true that there are many men out there who have dropped the ball, and are very lost right now, and that this is an authentic cause for concern for young women who have discerned the call to the Sacrament of Matrimony. 

However, there has been a lot of misguided teaching on NFP, Theology of the Body and such that has tried too hard to make the romantic love side of things of higher importance than it is, and placed it as a primary end of marriage, which it is not.  The primary end of marriage is procreation – helping God populate Heaven with souls that He wishes to be there.  The ‘mutual support’ of the spouses, or ‘babies and bonding,’ putting bonding on the same level as babies, is incorrect, and has never been the Church’s understanding of Holy Matrimony.  Romantic love, or wanting a perfect man, who can have deep intellectually stimulating discussion, is handsome, witty, and gives the heart flutters and all the rest of it is not a bad thing to hope for, but it can set a young woman up for failure, because she will miss a lot of good men.  I have seen it many times.  The Sacrament of Matrimony is not about happiness here on earth with Mr. Right.  It’s about being a saint with another person, and being open to the possibility that God will also ask of them to steward more little saints in the making for a time.  There is far too much focus on compatibility and chemistry and over-romanticized notions of marriage – an idea that a young woman must actually already be emotionally attached to a young man, and know everything there is to know about him, and must feel all sorts of warm fuzzies for him, and do romantic things with him before marriage, in order for him to be marriage-material.  This is plain nonsense, and actually can very easily set the marriage up for some rather unpleasant surprises and trials once marriage does happen. 

Plain and simple, a man needs to be a striving to be a faithful, practicing Catholic, and he must be able to put a roof over his spouse’s head and food on the table.  He needs to be free from any impediments to marriage, such as being already married, not in religious vows, and so forth.  And that’s it.  The rest, as wonderful as it can be, is icing on the cake.  But the cake is still cake, and good cake at that, without the icing.  Love, true authentic love, is not the warm fuzzies that trap so many young women and cause them not to see good, solid husband material right in front of them.  Authentic love is, as it has always been, an intellectual choice, in the will, for God, and the good of the other, and it grows in the marriage.  And, equally important, but very misunderstood, is the notion that a very large number of good Catholic women have that God has created one man for them, and they have to find this one soulmate, this one ‘Mr. Right.’  This, once again, is in reality, totally off target.  This is not how God works, and would make things far more complicated than they are right now.  My father once said to me that if he had waited until he was absolutely sure that my mother was the ‘right’ one, none of us kids would be here.  I think this is a vitally important consideration.  God may be asking us to bring souls he wishes to have into the world.  If we are placing too much emphasis on the over-romanticized side of things, and this is delaying us entering into marriage, or even causing us to reject good choices that God is giving us, this is very dangerous ground.  The vocation God has given to us is our path to salvation, and is far too important to be misled by our emotions, and yet this is a very real and present danger that is affecting many young women out there, and thus, it is also affecting a large number of good Catholic men who are truly striving, but are not even given any serious consideration.  Here is a great conference talk on the Sacrament of Matrimony that spells some of these considerations out far better than I have: http://www.sensustraditionis.org/webaudio/Marriage/Marriage.mp3

Tim, I understand where you’re coming from to an extent, but saying marriage is about procreation, period, just doesn’t cut it either. I’m very much one who advocates that if you’re having sex, you better be willing to accept the child. But marriage is ALSO about giving yourself as a gift to your spouse, and living in communion. Otherwise you just have two people using each other for the ends of having little child-trophies. How can you demonstrate God’s love to your child if you and your spouse don’t live that love for each other? I’ve known too many women who become bitter that their husbands only used them in order to have children, and seen so many marriages break up because one or both cannot give themselves to each other. My own parents are in constant battles and competition, to the point that the only things I’ve learned from their marriage is what NOT to do.

Romance is overrated. But self-giving love is essential.

Colleen, We live in very difficult times.  There is a portion of society that would like to destroy the Catholic faith as we know it. They are attacking Catholic marriages because they want the Church to change its teaching on divorce and homosexual relations.  If they can make your parents relationship more stressful they are doing it.  Peter said to the Lord, “If people can not divorce it is better that they never marry.” But the Lord said nothing was impossible with God.  He didn’t let us off the hook about homosexual relations or divorce and He LOVES us.  Why? Well I think one reason is because we will grow in love if we stay. We will grow UP and in true LOVE.  So be a light for your parents.  Don’t label them or give up on them.  You will find the same flaws in your future husband and you don’t want to quit on him!  They have a “real” marriage and they could use your love.  “Whatever you do to the least…”  At this point in their relationship they may be “the least”.  But you can bring God to the situation when you hear the voices start to raise.  You can even ask his help out loud in front of them to remind them they are SOULS first! Love finds a way and Jesus gave us His word on that.

Colleen,
Totally agree with you on the whole ‘life’giving love’ aspect of marriage, and how important it is to never use each other, particularly to simply have kids.  I made some assumptions that I probably should’t have that of course people wouldn’t use each other if they truly understood the Church’s teaching on marriage.  Anyhow, let me specify a little more.  Dietrich Von Hildrebrand (and others) talk about the primary end of marriage being procreation and formation of children for and with God, but they also talk about the ‘meaning’ of marriage being love, that wonderful, life-giving, Christ-imitating love that reflects God’s love for us.  Another way this is expressed is as a secondary purpose - the mutual benefit of the spouses, and a remedy for concuspicence (since the fall).  This is why your hear folks say that the best way to love your kids is to love your wife or husband.  Love, particularly sacrificial, joyful, intimate love is an incredibly powerful example to the kids that our Lord may bless a marriage with. 
As for husband-wife battles, bitterness over being used, and the horrible thought of children just being trophies, this is an unfortunate consequence of so many folks misunderstanding marriage, love, sex and so much more.  I am talking more about the ideal to be striven for, which assumes that both parties are to work their tails off, expect that marriage will entail many crosses, and be willing to do whatever it takes not only to endure these crosses, but to do so joyfully, for the sake of the other, and at times, with the other. 
The purpose of marriage still primarily remains procreation and formation of souls for God and with God.  The way that this is done must be thru the mutual self-gift of the spouses to each other.
But romantic love as the world knows it, and all the emotions and lists of characteristics necessary for a spouse, and hemming and hawing about chemistry and all that, while good to take into consideration on some level, can be very dangerous, distracting and misleading, and even, on a certain level, close a person off from their God-given vocation by making them so over-selective, picky, and unwilling to not be in control that they miss out, and that is a very scary thought - missing your vocation…

I have always wanted to be married.  I might want to buy this book.  I have never even had a boyfriend.  If you’re looking for a nice Catholic girl, here’s one right here.  I must confess I have somewhat of a keeping up with the Jones’ mentality, but I really do want to make someone’s life wonderful.  I’m so tired and bitter with being alone.  It’s really not fair! Don’t I deserve a husband and family?  Please, God.

Not to be a ‘downer’, but if developments in society keep on their current trajectory, authentic marriage will become increasingly rare, a vestige.  Why should an attractive young man marry a girl for life, when he can cavort with oodles of women throughout a young lifetime, even having children with one or more of them, increasingly without shame or censure or stigma? 
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Among other degradations, like pornography and sexual license, ‘gay marriage’ mocks the beautiful union of complementary persons, man and woman.  Other ludicrous ‘redefinitions’ will certainly follow, and marriage will be further cheapened, rendered a fusty legal remnant of another time.  Ladies everywhere, wake up, and vote your brains and self-interest, not your ephemeral emotions and illogical notions of ‘equality’.  Marriage protects women and their children, and is the bedrock of society, regardless of individual imperfections. 
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It is a shame that the godly women writing here may be suffering alone because others have seen fit to follow the oied piper of post-modernity into the abyss.

Anna:
Perhaps the “keeping up with the Jones’mentality” is what may be your relationship obstacle. Guys (me included) would rather a relationship be focused on the relationship rather than on what others may perceive the relationship to be.  Material things are fine if put in the proper order. But know that it can’t be intertwined with the things that count most.

Ok-it is not just a question of waiting for “Mr.Right” or “Miss Right” we have to examine (possibly with the help of a seasoned holy priest who has seen hundreds of marriages-including many that worked out great despite the odds) our “essential requirements”. This, I think, is where people can realize that they may suffer from the “Catherine of Alexandria Syndrome” (google it).

Women-why not be open to a widower with kids or to someone who is not perfect but a solid guy? Men-be open to a widow with kids or possibly a very good single mom. I live in Peru. I found my wife via solterosdelavemaria.com (The Spanish language site affiliated with part of Ave Maria Singles.com)  There are good single people on the site and here in Peru. Obviously you have to be careful but be open to another race if they are good Catholics. Bring this all to prayer. Also you who deem yourselves “perfect catches” is this how members of the opposite sex perceive you? Bring this to prayer.

It’s not material things I was referring to; it was that half my friends are married and it looks so easy for them to find good Christian spouses.  I don’t want to marry someone who already has kids and a previous marriage.  I’m 30 and I want to start at the beginning with someone, not become part of something already in progress.  I want to be the first and only wife with someone as youthful and unjaded as I am.  I don’t know what the problem is.  I was never the one they fell in love with when I was in college.  I have no money for a Christian Mingle membership.  If anyone would like to set me up with anyone awesome, you can message me through my blog: http://www.annasahlstrom.wordpress.com  Some. relationship guru said get the word out if you’re looking.  And I thought why not start at a Catholic news comment board.

Anna-you´re pretty young.Hopefully you´ll find the right guy soon if that´s what is in store for you. Just the same be open to what God has in mind-how can you go wrong if you want what He wants for you?

I recommend helping your friends or acquaintances to meet others-this act of generosity will help you to be happy and feel lots of joy as you help those who also are in search of starting a family. This is a great preparation or marriage as is pro-life and or pro-family apostolates-helping others is what marriage involves-24 hours a day sometimes!
Good luck
Bill

So where are these articles on single life we have been promised? Not just silly fluff of the “yippee, I’m single variety.”  This is a big problem for lots of people and the Catholic media mostly ignores dealing with it in a credible way.

There are plenty of unmarried men/women of quality ... unfortunately, people are caught up in their opinions rather than accepting people for who they are.

Catholics - both male and female need to recognize the humility that Christ showed and endeavor to not pass judgement on others based on superficial qualities.

I am sure this will fall on deaf ears, because people no longer have introspection - they are far too absorbed in trivial distractions.

To Bill:  Your personal story sounds amazingly like the President of
Mass Citizens for Life who passed away in the 1990s from cancer (she was the President, and her husband wrote “their” biography which had Mercy
in its title). He married a friend of their family who was in her early 20s and they are now both professors at Ave Maria University in FLA.
If this isn’t the same person, the stories are nearly identical. God bless
you regardless!

Most young women, Catholics or not, would rather spend their child bearing years pursuing higher education and careers rather than getting married and having children. Also, they watch so many fairy tale films and read so many fairy tale romances, that when they eventually do get around to finding a husband, their expectations are so great that very few men if any come up to their impossible expectations. Then when they they wake up on their 40th birthday alone, they try to blame anyone but themselves for the husbandless and childless situation they find themselves in.

Wow Francis - so you have all women figured out don’t you? Women have to take care of themselves money-wise. You would be surprised by men saying things like"my house, my money, etc” My family wasn’t into fairy tales. It would be nice if the Catholic churches would have singles meets - BUT EVERY CHURCH I CONTACTED -EVEN THE BISHOP - DON’T HAVE SINGLES MEETS. OR THEY PUT AN AGE RESTRICTION - LIKE OVER 50, OR WIDOWS.  THEY HAVE TONS OF FAMILY THINGS WITH KIDS - BUT NOOOO SINGLE EVENTS. TRUST ME - I CONTACTED THE BIG AND SMALL CHURCHS ON LONG ISLAND. I luckly found a good guy, my poor sister, dispite a terrible thing I can’t even discuss- still tried to find a man - in her 20s, 30s, at 40 - she gave up. REALLY CHRISTIAN OF YOU TO BE SO JUDGEMENTAL.