When I lost my second child to miscarriage nearly 20 years ago, I searched Catholic bookstores in vain for a book on miscarriage.
I suffered interiorly for years, until my parish held a healing Mass on Feb. 2 (feast of the Presentation) for mothers who had lost a baby. It was an extraordinary evening of grace. We named our babies, writing their names on certificates which were laid upon the altar as we entrusted them to Christ.
Relishing the peace I found in this Mass, I thought, Someone should write a book for Catholic mothers who have miscarried.
I am grateful that such a book has been written by gifted writer and devout Catholic Karen Edmisten. It is an exquisite collection of reflections that tenderly embrace the bruised soul of a grieving mother.
Edmisten generously opened her journal to share the painful memories of her own losses, infused with hope from her reflections. The contributions of other Catholic writers reflect the myriad experiences of mothers who have lost children. These meditations are interspersed with Scripture verses, poetry and quotes from spiritual writers like C.S. Lewis (who knew a thing or two about grief).
This book surprised me with the gift of tears as I read it, as it’s been over a dozen years since I miscarried, yet I too found tears of healing within its pages. My emptying nest has reawakened my regret at the loss of the many children I sought to fill up my home. Edmisten, too, wanted a large family and was blessed with few children.
Many of us unconsciously think of “good Catholic families” as large families. But good Catholic families come in all sizes. When the number of children is “only” one or two children (or none at all, in the case of infertility), it might be the visible sign of parents who have suffered.
I do have a large family, but mine isn't visible to the world. As Tom and I suffered through our miscarriages, we gained powerful prayer warriors in heaven, but since they can't be seen, they sometimes don't seem to “count.” And that sometimes hurts. Questions such as “Did you want more?” or "Only three kids?” weren't meant to wound, but depending on the day or my mood, or how recently I'd experienced a loss, they could be devastating.
After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's Companion to Healing and Hope is a loving gift for a mother whose precious babies are awaiting her with Our Lord, but whose arms ache with emptiness on their anniversaries or on Mother's Day. If you have lost a baby before birth, it is a gift you should give yourself. It is never too late to journey toward healing the loss of your child, and this book is both a practical and meditative guide which will accompany you as you run into the arms of the Savior who heals our broken hearts.
Register correspondent Leticia Velasquez writes from Canterbury, Connecticut.
AFTER MISCARRIAGE
A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing and Hope
By Karen Edmisten
Servant, 2012
132 pages, $12.99
To order: franciscanmedia.org
(800) 488-0488
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Thanks for reviewing this important book. After having 8 healthy births, I had a miscarriage. With the blessing of 8 other children, it was easier for me to accept that God was taking one to heaven. I believe that one—Matthew—is interceding for the rest of us down here. Yet, it would have been a joy to hold him in our arms, but one day, I know that we will.
I am pleasantly surprised that the book recognized that couples with infertility have suffered. This is one book I definitely want to read. I have endometriosis and deal with infertility. One thing I can’t stand about Mother’s Day at Church is the insensitivity of the priests (and others) who recognize Mothers but fail to pray for those who yearn and desire to love a child of their own and are suffering inside because they haven’t conceived yet, or haven’t been able to bring the baby to term. I’m not saying that Mothers shouldn’t be recognized on this day, just some sensitivity should be brought to the table as well, like praying for those who are struggling with infertility along with celebrating the motherhood of the mothers on Mother’s Day. Attending Mass on Mother’s Day is so painful for me that I haven’t attended Mass on Mother’s Day in the past few years. Maybe I feel this way because parishes generally never or hardly ever pray for those with infertility. Asking for prayers so that I may find the strength and peace to attend Mass tomorrow. God Bless.
We too lost 3 to miscarriages. I was not able to grieve until I had a
truly powerful dream where I actually saw the three little girls named
Veronica, Genevieve and Angela…they were so beautiful! I actually feel
their presence at night when I am sad and lonely. I ask them to surround
their Daddy with their love. I’m POSITIVE they do as I fall asleep safe
in their arms.
Im so glad that someone wrote a book like this because we needed it. I have been thinking about such a thing and Im honestly glad that someone beat me to it.
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Im eager to know if there is any guidance in the book about what moms physically do with the baby after a miscarriage (either at home or in the hospital).
Insuring our tiny babies get respectful burial is virtually never discussed and in our world can be quite difficult to secure. I have huge compassion for the heartbroken mom who flushed in a moment of panic then regretted it - they were never told what to do. It’s not fair for young women to find themselves holding a baby-bird sized baby in their hands before they realize that noone ever told them what to do in that circumstance.
My three miscarriages happened in the first trimester. My experience was this; my first baby was buried in a mass grave in a Catholic cemetery which is used by the Catholic hospital where he died. The next two I buried myself by the headstone of my grandmother’s grave in the same cemetery, so they would be in consecrated ground. I had had a devout priest tell me that both of these options were acceptable, because the babies were tiny, almost indistinguishable. It would have been impossible to use funeral services, though I have heard that some are open to helping with low cost arrangements for miscarried babies.
My greatest comfort, however, is registering their names in the Book of Life at the Shrine of the Unborn Child at the Church of the Holy Innocents in New York City. You can use this link to register a child http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp
Leticia, thank you for this beautiful review, and my sympathy on your losses, to all who have commented here. Thanks for taking the time to share your stories.
Tammy, the book includes some general information on that—state laws and the policies of funeral homes and hospitals vary so much. Checking on local options (and the need/desire for respectful burial) is a necessity. And yes—the heartbroken mom who flushed in a moment of panic—I address her in the book, too, via the story of a friend of mine in that exact position ... and ask her to stop torturing herself and to trust in God’s love and mercy and care.
The Elizabeth Ministry is one resource I mention in the book, for when a woman is sent home to miscarry there—they offer a practical and compassionate “miscarriage kit” which helps a mother who is losing her baby at home. I just learned of another company, too, that makes tiny caskets (Heavensgain.com).
Teresa, I’m so sorry about your pain, too. My sister was infertile, and I know that Mother’s Day at her church is still hard for her. When we first tried to start our family, our first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage and I felt the pain of wanting a baby I couldn’t have. On Mother’s Day, I still wish that priests would skip asking all mothers to stand, and would simply offer a blessing—for both the visible and invisible mothers. Have you seen the newly published book called The Infertility Companion for Catholics?
God bless you all!
Thank you very much for your kind words, Karen. I hadn’t seen that book. It looks great! I will put that right at the top of my books to read list. Thank you for giving me that book tip. God Bless.
Im so glad that you addressed the physical aspects of care and healing. Laws vary widely between states but are becoming more and mote family / respect oriented.
Leticia, it sounds like you found really good options for burying all 3 of yours, that is unusual in my experience. Catholic Hospitals are ahead in this, but we can encourage hospitals to develop respectful burial programs. We designed and implemented one here ....I think every city should have a baby burial program
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