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For those engaged in America’s culture wars, it is clear that the welfare of children is the battle ground of choice. We are barely out of the gate with civil unions and same-sex “marriages,” and we have been told, in defense of these new institutions — and with the help of Hollywood — that The Kids Are All Right. And if it be true that “by their fruits ye shall know them,” then, if the kids are all right, so must be their parents.
But as we hurtle along in our social experiments, allaying our fears that children may not be getting the best deal in the new domestic arrangements, let’s pause for a moment and pay heed to the many children who, as adults, have come forward to say something about that older, accepted, and more or less “settled” issue: divorce.
Elizabeth Marquardt, author of Between Two Worlds (2005), Stephanie Staal, The Love They Lost (2000), Andrew Root, Children of Divorce (2010) and Susan Gregory Thomas, In Spite of Everything (2011), all have in common is a willingness to fully and honestly examine the perspective of an entire generation of children who experienced their parents’ divorce and have conducted their own hard-won research. Their forthright, painful stories challenge the entrenched doctrine that it is better for children to have a “good divorce” than a bad marriage.
Living in the trenches, between two separated households, these authors have been able to put their fingers on what is essentially bad about divorce no matter how much their parents adhered to the norms of the “good” one — avoiding any public conflict, parting “amicably” and sharing the kids equally.
They were exposed. They had been brought into the world by two worlds coming together; and now they were “left hanging,” so to speak, “between two worlds.” And notwithstanding all of their measurable successes (good grades, high college enrollment rates, and well-paying jobs), the divorce of their parents had inflicted a wound at the depths of their being. For this wound, there was no remedial “social capital.”
The unraveling of this “settled” question has led the newly formed Center for Cultural and Pastoral Research, at The Catholic University of America to hold a conference, “Recovering Origins: Adult Children of Divorce.” Panelists at the conference examined the experience of children of divorce, and then reflected on what those old wounds revealed about the inalienable link between the human being and his or her origins in a “unity of two.”
The conference offered a rich assembly of social commentators and social scientists who documented the struggles of a generation brought up in the horizon of an origin split in two.
Marquardt, based at the Institute for American Values in New York City, is largely responsible for breaking the silence on divorce. Marquardt brought to light its most basic problem: the sense of “homelessness” that divorce generates in the child. At the conference Marguardt and fellow researchers, including University of Virginia’s Brad Wilcox,, and David Blankenhorn, author of The Future of Marriage, described the destructive impact his experience of “homelessness” has wrought on this generation.
Researches speak of an all-pervasive tentativeness in love that stifles the desire for making a home by marrying and beginning a family.
During an election-year marked by the intense politicization of social issues — from contraception to same-sex “marriage” — that draw attention away from the fundamental issues of human dignity, freedom and responsibility — it’s worth noting that the conference was designed to provide an opportunity to focus attention.
Maggie Gallagher, who leads the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, together with the psychiatrist Marcella Colbert and the canon lawyer Sister Maximillia Um, asked: “Does divorce make us happier?” In the wake of no-fault divorce, that question was rarely been asked, and struggling married couples were more likely to believe that divorce would cure their unhappiness.
Panelist Nathan Schlueter of Hillsdale College challenged that assumption and suggested it was time for couples in difficult marriages to consider a possibility: happiness through fidelity.
Parents who balk at the notion of adhering to marriage vows in tough times, might contemplate the tribulations their children will experience once divorce papers are filed.
Then there is the lingering question that divorce injects into the consciousness of the surviving progeny: “Who am I now that the two people who together made up my origin have gone their separate ways?” — as one conference participant put it.
This painful preoccupation underscores the inseparable link between the child’s identity, and the “unity of the two” that gave rise to it. But it also opens up a profoundly religious question: What is the deepest origin, the wellspring for my parental origins?
Father Antonio Lopez, the dean of the John Paul II Institute for Studies in Marriage and the Family, and Lisa Lickona, a homemaker, farmer and author, reflected on the link between the human image and the divine origin, which draws every child ultimately back to God the Father.
This link is the reason divorce is so pernicious. By severing the child from his or her origins in love, divorce puts the child’s “filial” identity into question, and together with it, the goodness of his or her existence, said Father Lopez.
Yet despite the gravity of divorce, and the toll it takes on the lives of innocent children, divorce is not ultimately tragic.
Lickona concluded that “in the end, even though one’s parents are charged with radiating God’s eternal and perfect love, they are not that eternal and perfect love. And in the face of the abyss, there is an Other who will respond. ‘Abyss calls upon abyss.’” We are not, in the end, our parents’ children, simply.
If it is true that children are a litmus test of current practices, the conference proceedings reveal that the children of divorce are a ‘voice crying in the wilderness’ amid a culture that would cancel out its deepest memory, the memory of God.
Those who would like to follow the CCPR’s interest in the question of divorce as well as other themes tied to the “recovering of origins” (artificial reproductive technologies, same-sex “marriage” and absentee fathers, can peruse the Center’s new on-line journal Humanum.
Margaret Harper McCarthy is an assistant professor of theological anthropology at the John Paul II Institute at The Catholic University of America, and the director of its Center for Cultural and Pastoral Research. She is a wife and mother of three children.
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I think divorce is a symptom of something wrong in our culturally influenced process of choosing a spouse. Attacking divorce won’t fix the problem because the problem occurred back before the wedding and THAT is what we must fix.
I am a 20-something male who has seen my mother go through four marriages and three divorces in my relatively short life. I can attest to its utter destructiveness. I love this, though: “We are not, in the end, our parents’ children, simply.” Our Father, who art in heaven…
I think God is particularly close to the suffering, to the abandoned children, to the people like me whose wounds won’t be fully healed until heaven. He is close to the brokenhearted.
I often wonder whether the growing support for things like abortion, contraception, and same-sex marriage can be traced in part to increasing prevalence of divorce in our society. After all, if the family can be so easily broken, why shouldn’t these anti-family ideas grow as well.
My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was the worst experience of my life. It took me 20 years before I felt I was ready for marriage and, now that I have kids, I’ll never do to them what my parents did to me, my brother and sister.
Whenever parents put their own needs ahead of their children, the children are going to suffer. We don’t care much about our children anymore. We pay lipservice to it but in reality we don’t. From abortion to pornography to the highly sexualized media. Our kids have been under attack for a long time and mothers and fathers have abandoned them in pursuit of their own “happiness”. Everytime I hear a divorced woman saying her ex husband just didn’t make her “happy” I could scream. And guess what she’s not “happy” now either.
I suffered thru a very messy custody battle after my parents divorced. I want to say to any parent currently considering ending their marriage that you cannot imagine the destruction your decision will have on your children. No matter what suffering your relationship my be experiencing with you spouse, you will put your children thru endless pain and suffering by making the decision to divorce, truly it is not worth it no matter how you rationalize it to yourself. Marriage is a convenant between you, your spouse, and God, you cannot break it, the vow stands regardless. Please for the sake of your children, bear whatever suffering you are facing in your marriage and offer your suffering up to God so that His Grace may give you peace.
The best analogy I’ve ever heard for divorce comes from Michael Reagan(son of Ronald Reagan):
“Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child—-the child’s home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected—and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess.”
I am not a child of divorce nor am I divorced. I am 13 years married and we have five girls. I want to grant the first comment a thumbs up because I do believe there is truth to it. I would not have recognized it back before our wedding that my husband had some personality issues that would become a real issue for me, as I wanted to get married so badly, and he had by far been one of the best matches for me. I was naive. And during these 13 years we have brought up divorce, but it will not ever happen. He is mad at me because the physical intimacy isn’t like it was when we were first married (and even before the wedding). That is his biggest issue with me now and for the past 10 years. Sigh.
The most dangerous brokeness is when you don’t even know how utterly broken you are. After nearly 40 years following my parents’ divorce I am just now realizing the internal damage in both my approach to God and to others caused by the evils of their divorce. New ramifications are discovered at each age. Please work out another option for a failing marriage than divorce.
Dr. McCarthy (I’m assuming she holds a D.Min. from her position at the Catholic U. of America), however, does let us down too gently. As an adult child of divorce, my experience is that the, “Other,” does respond. That response calls us to rise above our childhood and to discover, usually with great difficulty, what it means to be a Christian adult who is beloved of Almighty God. As an example, we have to learn to trust other people, God, and, perhaps most importantly, ourselves. This is necessary because, as the author states in the fifth paragraph:
They were exposed. They had been brought into the world by two
worlds coming together; and now they were left hanging,’ so to
speak, ‘between two worlds.’ And notwithstanding all of their
measurable successes (good grades, high college enrollment rates,
and well-paying jobs), the divorce of their parents had inflicted
a wound at the depths of their being. For this wound, there was no
remedial ‘social capital.’
Possibly due to space considerations, the author does not mention the other group of adult children of divorce, those who are not overachievers (the paretheses in the quote), rather they are underachievers in school, employment, and relationships.
AnnieB,
“He is mad at me because the physical intimacy isn’t like it was when we were first married (and even before the wedding). That is his biggest issue with me now and for the past 10 years.”
My heart goes out to you. My husband and I have been there and our marriage has found help!
Have you read any of JP II’s Theology of the body? It will CHANGE your life. “The Good news about sex and marriage” by Christopher West is a great place to start. If your husband isn’t interested don’t push it, just start reading it yourself. You will be astonished at what the Church has to teach you about your sexuality.
My parents’ divorce when I was a child was one of the worst experiences in my life. The insecurity I lived through shaped a lot of terrible, stupid and sinful decisions in my life.
By the grace of God, I’ve been married over thirty years and my advice on marriage to anyone who cares to listen is this: you won’t understand sacramental marriage until you the understand the love and fidelity of Christ for His Church, and you won’t understand the love and fidelity of Christ for His Church until you understand sacramental marriage. The two forms of love are almost incomprehensible without the reference of one to the other.
The best way to understand these two forms of love is by living through the experience of matrimony in the light of faith.
I cannot add much here but i have noticed something in my two young children. They have a very real fear that we will divorce. It is almost a weekly item at dinner that so and so’s mom and dad are getting a divorce. When i talk to them at night before prayers I can sense their fear. It unsettles them. I can’t imagine what it must be like for real…
No-fault divorce allows one person (or both) to walk away from the marriage without dealing with the reasons and consequences within the divorce itself. Subsequently, the anger and resentment, and the nasty comments, live on for years, affecting the children who have to listen to and feel the anger and resentment.
No-fault divorce also allows marriage to be treated like a business contract and divorce is the breaking of that contract, rather than the destruction of a family. Marriage and divorce become nothing more than financial negotiations.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We never had any children. Now,all that being said: I have watched my sister’s marriage which is now at 52 years married. In the middle years, when the children were 12, 10, 7, 5, my sister decided to have an affair with her husband’s first cousin. The result was separation for a few years in her marriage, and a complete break-up of the first cousin’s marriage. It seems to me that Those children never forgot. Only the oldest is married with children. The girls never married and they are in their mid to late 40’s. The other boy got divorced (no children).
I am convinced that the behavior of my sister had a lot to do with her girls never marrying. So, even though the marriage of my sister survived, I am not so sure that the kids really did. They exist. They pretend. However, they, as siblings, have a bond among themselves so tight that nothing will break them apart.
It is just another facet of marriages that crack but do not break.
When I wrote my comment at 12:52 p.m. EST I should have included the following:
My comments are strictly about adult children of divorce. They are not a condemnation or criticism of the parents who divorced, for whatever reasons. Sometimes divorce is the best choice.
Please accept my apologies for not making that point clear.
The word homelessness, is so true. My parents divorced when I was nine and both remarried and had other children. Though my parents don’t know it. I am hurt deeply every time they post a picture of “the family” and my brother and I are not in it. We feel like we don’t have an “immediate family” and both of us suffer from the ability to fully attach to and trust people. We are both married now and have our own children, but the one rule we have with our spouses is that the word Divorce does not utter out of our mouths unless we’re pretty much packing up and leaving. We understand we may have problems, and that we will discuss and do the work necessary to maintain our marriage. If I did get divorced, I would most likely not re-marry or at the very least not have more kids for the sake of my own. I never want them to feel the hurt and anguish we have.
If all said above is worrisome, I want to sadly share the fact that many men in priestly discernment ( seminarians ) have parents who are divorced.
Pray for them unceasingly!
Fun fact: Of the people considering divorce who chose counseling instead, five years later 80% of them reported being “happier than ever” in their marriages.
Divorce does not solve problems. The problems are deep and you need to go to counseling. And I mean a good, Christian (preferably Catholic) counselor who values marriage and wants to help you, not the sort of person who will advise you to get a divorce after your first meeting.
And if you do get a divorce, you will take that baggage and that pain with you into your second marriage. Why do you think second and subsequent marriages have higher failure rates than first marriages?
I am 45 years old and still, today, dealing with the destruction of my parents divorce in 1976. I could go into this long laundry list of issues that would make your head spin but my brother and I have overcome. It is only by the mercy of Our Lord that I am still here, not on medication. But I want to tell you what has been the true impact. I am totally alone, dangling, with no home, no memories, no joyous childhood. Lost in the divorce was my mother’s family home, which now belongs to my step-mother and her new husband since my father died. I have a half-sister who I barely know—-deprived of having a life with her until now that we are adult enough and needy enough to do it ourselves. I am now responsible for the care of my aged, disabled mother of whom I have no fond childhood memories (my father had custody of me). My parents may have eased their pain and discomfort, but they left behind a horrible, painful legacy—three children who had to figure out for themselves what a real marriage is, what a real family is. I will tell you what my priest recently said “So the person you married is not the person you married. Grow up, get over it, put your big boy pants on. There are more important things than your discomfort.” To those who are struggling in their marriages—-for the love of your children, unless there is some horribly severe abuse, please, please, please, work out your problems! Your children will carry YOUR DIVORCE around forever!
Hey, kids, just so you know, the law allows one person to divorce the other and there is NO stopping it, maybe just some time period to stall it. “No fault divorce” just makes the plantiff feel good about themself. Laws changed to make divorce easier, “less messy” more socially aceptable. There are some parents who did all that was possible to hold the marriage, family and home together. The law is not on their side. Yes, sometimes there is just one person to blame. Take a good, long look at the history of divorce law, who benifits finalcially, economically and socially.
The worst part of divorce wasn’t my parents separating, it was all that came with it:
1. Moving to a new state.
2. Going from maintaining one household while broke to maintaining two households with even less money.
3. My mother dating, getting remarried, being unhappy again, and getting divorced again.
4. Temporary step-families. I had a step-brother, a step-sister, and a nephew. I don’t anymore.
5. Split holidays. Now that I’m married, it’s split 3-way holidays.
6. No siblings of my own. Being divorced in your fertile years tends to lead to fewer children.
7. My mother too busy getting divorce #2 and dating after divorce #2 to help us when our children were young.
8. The fact that I don’t know many relatives on my father’s side of the family.
9. My mother now lives in the house of a man who I barely know. He’s a nice enough guy, but it makes visiting awkward for everyone.
.
And this was a “good”, amicable divorce and I do have a good relationship with both of my parents. My mother never “brought anyone home” either, which can be a big problem for children of divorce.
The article failed to mention Judith Wallerstein’s two books she presents ifnormation on her 20 year longitudinal study of divorce: Second Chances and The Enduring Legacy of Divorce
Thank you “Pete” - I will read these books you have highly recommended. It gives me hope to hear what you said. Thank you again!
I might just remind you that sometimes divorce is necessary. Unfortunately parents abuse each other, and if they don’t separate the trauma of watching them fight everyday can take a worse toll than the pain of separation. Did anyone see “The Burning Bed” that was broadcast a few years ago (starring Farrah Fawcett)? It was based on a true story of abuse that happens more often than you can imagine.
Let’s don’t forget the issue of divorced GRANDPARENTS.
Children of stable married nuclear families still suffer when Gran and Grandad are divorced; and their parents are perpetually anguished by having to raise their children to have a healthy view of marriage and family despite the elephant in the room.
It ruins holidays in particular:
“Yes, be polite to this lady even though she broke up your dad’s parents’ marriage and never so much as said sorry. Yes, we have to go to two different houses and have half-celebrations of this holiday. Yes, I know it’s confusing that this person whom Gran is now dating is not your blood relative but is at a family gathering, and is giving you gifts but may be gone from your life two months from now. No, I’m sorry but we can’t get together with Gran and Grandad at the same time, because they don’t get along. Yes, they both love you and we love them, but they can’t stand each other. Yes, I know it doesn’t make sense. Yes, I know the extra helping of gifts from two separated households doesn’t make up for it.”
And then there’s the undignified faux-teenager cattiness that these women in their 50’s and 60’s leap into as they start gossiping about their “boyfriends.” Sometimes they sound like they’re only a margarita away from hauling out the bobby-soxer skirt and ordering a malt at the soda shop. Ye gods. Demonstrate that the decades have produced a little wisdom, PLEASE. Maintain a little dignity, you botoxed reverts.
Seriously, baby-boomers. Would it have killed ya’ to just get separate beds under the same roof like married couples in 50’s sitcoms did?
It’s not “no-fault” that’s the big problem. “No-fault” is a misnomer. Just look around you. Even though it’s called no-fault divorce it’s really unilateral divorce. And there is no such thing as a covenant (or even a contract) that can be unilaterally broken.
Also, until people recognize that most of these unilateral divorces are caused by the wife no real solutions to the prevalence of divorce today will be possible.
Sometimes no fault divorce is a good thing.
10 years of marital counseling and sleeping in separate rooms could not make the other party in my first marriage lay off the abuse.
No fault divorce meant my abuser could NOT stop my escape from the abuse.
Fix the problems of people lacking maturity and the necessary virtues by teaching children and young people to work to grow in virtue. Then teach them how to recognize signs of an abuser and that when certain behavior patterns manifest in a relationship—flee BEFORE you get married and have kids.
It worries me that the focus is so much on the idea of making divorce harder to get when the problems were there before the wedding ever took place and the focus should be on preparation.
my $.02 worth.
If my children were to respond they would have five different takes on this from
its better to break up then to be miserable together to it is completely wrong to
abandon a spouse because they don’t do it for you anymore. Similarly, they would
have varying opinions related to their baggage.
Divorce is not going to stop, nor is it terrible injustice going to stop.
I love the Catholic Church but have no use for its clergy. They lie, outright, when
they give the impression that they support marriage. They support the status quo.
They stand by as one Catholic spouse, literally, destroys another spouse out of
vindictiveness; then they welcome the aggressor, never addressing their horror.
Any sense of justice, repentance and reparations for victims of divorce NEVER
is addressed.
I am sick to my stomach of our bishops. I wish they were all in jail and terribly
abused beyond description, if that is what would make them grow up to face
how their laizze faire pastoral practices have devastated marriages. I have
wriiten to many of them and have found not a single one who cares at all.
You might think that a bishop might care if you lived in his jurisdiction or your
spouse lived in his jurisdiction. I can say from experience, this is not true.
Authors, social scientists, spouses…..can write a million more books and
studies with impecible data, it will not matter, except to yield to the brute
force of the state ever more control and programing access to our children.
That IS what is happening, people. Divorce actions provide an open invitation
for state control and upbringing of our children.
Divorce is NOT a victimless crime. Unjustified divorces must be met with
formal excommunications when only Catholics are involved. The bishop has
the obligation to act to do something about this. Under canon law, permission
is to be sought for any separation, unilaterally, except to specific extreme
circumstances. This is never done because bishops choose to keep it that way.
There simply is no excuse for turning a blind eye to the spousal abuse that
goes on in divorce.
The Church must face the reality that most of its flock is CINO and stand by
those who actually seriously attempt to abide by Catholic teaching. If what
is going on, continues, Catholicism will stand for nothing. It is nearly there
presently. The tribunal system and revolving door marriages have made
Catholic teaching regarding indissolubility a joke. I am sick of it.
Is there any research on the impact of divorce on the children’s children? How far down the line does the dis-connectedness and lack of belonging extend?
As a widow grandparent, how can I be their for my grandchildren. My husband and myself knew, or felt my daughter & husband were having problems. We were a close family. Ater my daughter married, she came home seldom. They needed to start their own traditions? We would see & feel things, our daughter would tell us if we talked to her husband it would make it worse for her. My daughter has three brothers, an excellent job, how can this man control us all. When my husband got sick, our daughter almost missed saying good-by to her father before he died. She asked her husband to get counseling, he served her with divorce papers. It has been 6 years since the divorce,the children are 16, 17, 19, her husband has remarried an old secretary. He is still controlling all of us. He takes it out on the children, cars, cel-phone, college. Gives & takes, Harrasses my daughter.Doing everything possible, so my daughter will lose her home, that she kept for the children. He has bribed the children, they are living at his house, not in the school district, making my daughter pay him child support. God help us all! Thanks for letting me write this. My heart is aching. When I talk with my grandchildren, I tell them that God is their Father, God gives us our parents, they are human, and make mistakes. God will be there for them. Thanks
Dear Left Coast Conservative,
There are studies. The following organizations may be able to help you locate the studies:
National Fatherhood Organization: http://www.fatherhood.org/
Knights of Columbus: http://www.kofc.org/
National Office of Post-Abortion Healing and Reconciliation: http://www.noparh.org
You might also try the Family Life Office in the (arch)diocese in which you live. (The diocesan ministry will be happy to help you, whether or not you are a Catholic.)
I am not a child of divorce but instead the product of a long and very loving marriage. My father, however, was previously divorced and thus he and my mother - both practicing Catholics - were excommunicated when they wed. I, a result of that union, am therefore considered illegitimate in the eyes of the Church. Exactly who here is tryng to “sever a child from his or her origins in love”!
Karl said,
“Unjustified divorces must be met with
formal excommunications when only Catholics are involved. The bishop has
the obligation to act to do something about this”.
well said.
the silence must stop. enough families have been destroyed.
Barbara: You are not illegitimate. Your parents’ status as Catholics not in full communion with the Church has nothing to do with your status as a baptized Catholic. Did your parents consider seeking an anulment or other canonical adjudication of your Father’s prior marital situation? It may have been possible for your parents to resolve that issue and to convalidate or marry in the Church, thus having a sacramental marriage.
Karl: Why excommunicate divorced people? That just increases the trauma. Sometimes divorce is necessary. However, if either or both parties to a divorce remarry outside of the Church they are automatically excommunicate.
I have worked with hundreds of children of divorce. I even developed a program for churches to use with children of divorce called DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids (http://www.dc4k.org). Our church leaders will tell you that these children suffer greatly but most of them put up a brave front for their parents.
Many of the children I have worked with are now grown. Some struggle. Some who got help along the way through through DC4K and other such programs tend to do better but the hurt and pain of divorce is always there.
Thanks Elizabeth, Stephanie and Andrew for the work you are doing. Haven’t read Susan’s book yet but I will be getting it soon.
One more thing, a friend of mine has developed a program for adult children of divorce. It’s called “Chained No More” by Robyn Beseman and is being published by Thomas Nelson. Should be out in the fall. You should hear the stories that are coming out of her pilot programs - all adult children of divorce. Much healing taking place in this dynamic program. http://robynbministries.com/chainednomore
i was divorced by my then husband of 10 years in the following manner. he fell “in love"with his assistant at work, tried to keep the marriage going,was forgiven, said he loved her not me, and when i wasn’t looking flew to Mexico and got a “quickie ” divorce at which i was not represented. He left me with 2 babies, no money, an eviction notice, no health insurance,and i only heard from him once or twice.when his lover-wife died he put the story of the “Torrid Affair” in the newspapers and on the Internet. He supported the children who are in midlife and very angry at me and made a fortune with his new wife. the last i heard was that he owed me no money. that in spite of the fact that i asked for nothing. He made it clear that he was “miserable ” with me. Actually our children were 1 and 3.I remarried, worked hard, am considered to blame for everything, and as an elder hope they find the pre-arranged funeral when necessary. takes 2?no only takes 1. Blessings to all.
My parents were divorced a few years ago after being married for 45 years!!! I was in my early 40’s and was in complete shock.
Many years, counselors, books, support groups and much other help later, I feel that I am adjusting to the new way things are for my family.
I have begun a blog for Adult Children of Divorce and would be happy to offer a bit of help and hope to those who are adults when their parents divorce. It is a unique situation and becoming more common , unfortunately.
Re the post that begins “I was divorced by my then husband of 10 years” i played by the rules, remarried a wonderful man, never even tried to alienate my children from bio dad,ignored it when he became wealthy,
worked hard ,managed a pretty well run home, became an accomplished business woman and musician, probably should have hugged more, and became a scapegoat by my family and my in laws for nothing.
With community support for the children, all of them, everyone would have been much healthier. But i was blamed for everything.So tough love is part of the answer and but community support for single Moms struggling against fate would have been Wonderful. As stricken as they look they remember the"Home they grew up in” even my formerly hostile stepdaughter. But i am very tired. It was tough on my health.Muriel (85 andready to give up)
My parents divorced when I was 11 in 1974. My dad remarried once and my mom is on number 5. What is the most painful? My mom and dad not acknowledging the pain that divorced caused my sister and I. Wanting the calls every week and the visits. The putting of guilt on us for not calling and visiting or giving gifts as they feel we should - for getting “the short end of the stick” as I’ve been told in comparison to my in-laws (who’ve been married almost 60 year). For feeling like we are doing something wrong, continually, by not fulfilling some of their needs. Now my dad and step-mom are taking it out on their only three grandkids - not having them over as much - cancelling a vacation they planned with them… It is infuriating. I thank God for his grace and mercy. Please God help me to forgive and heal these wounds that only seem to get deeper with each decade. I thank God for my one and only marriage of 17 years and our three beautiful daughters. I pray for God’s mercy to stay married forever and to never put my babies through the forever pain that I endure.
For you parents that have had all the blame put on you and you have children that are horrilbe to you and blame you for everything. It’s not your fault! The other half has tampered with your children and families minds. They will come around, but don’t carry that burden and weight because there are those who love you and know that you are not to blame and they carry another burden of worring about you constantly as well as you are taking away enjoying them. Let the ones that are blinded by igornance go and love and live a joyful life with the ones that love you back. You will find this more rewarding and it will help the ones that love you unconditionaly. Trust God he will will carry you through it all. I know this because I’m a adult child dealing with what you are saying. I have 3 siblings that hate my mom because of the ignorance they are told and it weighs on my mother and takes away her joy of life that she had and that’s not fair to the rest of us. So, let go, love and Let God!!
A great resource for the subject of adult children of divorce is “Chained No More…A Journey of Healing for the Adult Children of Divorce”. Just released by West Bow Press, a division of Thomas Nelson Publishers. It is a 13 week powerfully transforming study which lead participants toward Gods healing and address the long-lasting issues they face from their parents’ divorce and other childhood brokenness. http://www.robynbministries.com or email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Parents divorced whenI was 8 years old . I am now 53. That announcement of the divorce on that day is still the saddest day devastating and damaging day of my life to date. No death of any family member has affected me as deeply as the announcment that day. I have never in my life ever cried that deeply and profoundly ever.
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