Unless you are woefully behind on your flimsily-researched Biblical exegesis, you will know that Saturday is it. The end. Finito, adiós al mundo, ka-blammo. The end of the line.
Yes, yes, I realize that the so-called “Jimmy Akin” already covered the story about the scholar who has predicted that the end of the world will be May 21, 2011. What can I say? The man calls himself an apologist, and yet somehow fails to grasp such a simple concept as figurative language. For instance, when Christ says, “Listen, this here is actually, literally, super-de-really my body, and when I say that, I mean that it actually is actually my actual body”—well, that’s what we call a “symbol.”
But when Peter says, “A day is with the Lord as a thousand years”—um, hello. That’s literal.
I’ve been working the apocalypse into my daily scheduling for years now, so this news is pretty much a dream come true for me. I mean, how many times have I been slaving over a school curriculum and thought to myself, “Well, as long as we get through multiplication and the Revolutionary War, the kids will be right where they’re supposed to be academically—as long as the world comes to an end before next September.” Or, when planning the household budget: “Yes, we can absolutely go out to eat for our anniversary! Provided Armageddon comes before the water bill is due.”
But I always get let down: The world keeps going, and here I am, stuck with dumb kids and no water. But not this time! As I said before: ka-blammo.
I think most people think about the time-before-end times in the wrong way: Everyone’s trying to cram last-minute activities in before God lowers the boom. But if you think about it, this is not so much our last chance, as a second chance. I mean, last time Christ was here, what kind of impression did human kind make on Him? I gotta think it could’ve been better.
Could’ve been a lot better.
So, let’s not think so much about what we want to do, as what we want to be caught doing. Let’s have the communion of saints not get caught with its pants down for once, eh?
And so my pre-apocalyptic motto will be: WWJGKOO? or What Would Jesus Get a Kick Out Of?
Here’s my list:
—1—
If you pray in triplicate starting today, you just have time to get a novena done for once, you lazy bum.
—2—
Prank call the Anglican church (I believe the number is 1-800-HIS NIBS) and tell them the Pope was just kidding, you gotta go back. Ha ha!
—3—
March right up to Newt Gingrich and, in your best Yosemite Sam holler, say, “I jist L-O-O-O-O-O-VE mah country!” and then, I don’t know, bite him on the nose. Apparently as long as you’re a patriot, anything you do next is excusable.
—4—
Have you bought your priest a beer yet? Tick tick tick ...
—5—
You know what? I don’t care if it’s the end of the world and women in jeans make Padre Pio himself kick a puppy. I’m still not wearing a skirlot.
—6—
Go on a road trip with Danielle Bean, because no one should die before witnessing this teeny, sunny morsel of femininity reach into the back of her pickup truck, fish out an empty can of Red Bull, and cram it under the trigger of the nozzle at the gas pump to make it stay on, while muttering something about intrusive regulation by the nanny state.
—7—
Are you seriously still not going to tithe?
—8—
Find the most fervent environmentalist you know, look ‘em in the eye, and say, “I’m naming the twins after you.”
—9—
“Honey, your Clearblue Easy Monitor is just flashing the words ‘LAST CHANCE, LAST CHANCE.’ What does that mean?”
—10—
Oh, go ahead and put Alan Keyes’ lawn sign back up. You know that if Christ were an American citizen, he’d be all over that guy.
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You made me laugh so hard and I’m totally doing #8 seeing as my twins (numbers ten and eleven) are due in a few months! Thank you.
#1, 5 and 7 are my favorites! Great article again! You are a genius!
You don’t want the “color of the shorts to peek through”, eh?
Skirlot? Skirlot? The name is even worse than the garment. But not much. This would be a great item for a game of fictionary. Skirlot: a group of scurrilous individuals. Skirlot: a little known knight of the round table known mainly for poor fashion sense. Anyone else want to try?
Simcha, I think you’re missing the point here—— the world is only going to end for the pre-destined 3% who will be raptured. The rest of us have to endure 5 months of unbearable torture until October 21. (Hmmm… May and October—-do they have some weird Marian thing going on?)
Clearly, we need to get the names and addresses of this 3% so we can steal their stuff. Watching CNN cover the summer of destruction will be much easier with a dish and a flatscreen TV. And they probably have guns, too…...
I mean, since the chosen folk are PREDESTINED, it really doesn’t matter, right?
On the other hand, I had the depressing realization that even if the world was ending on Saturday, I would not be able to alter 9/10 of my daily routine (nursing, diapers, feeding kids, doing laundry and dishes so I can continue changing diapers and feeding kids….) When we get a new heavens and a new earth, will babies change themselves? I didn’t think so….....
I think you should give the skirlot a try. It’s only three days. And, you may be surpised to find it works for you.
I have to know - what’s the difference between a skort and a skirlot? (Besides a few letters.)
There’s a place in NH that is willing to take care of your pets if you get raptured… they guarantee that your pets will be taken care of by an athiest - and among a pretty bad lot, so you won’t have to worry that the caretaker will be raptured as well.
Skorts say, “I like to hike or play volleyball or go running, and I like bein a girl!” You wear a skort when you want to look girly yet you TOTALLY EXPECT people to see your underpants because you regularly engage in the kind of activities that flash them. Not when you don’t expect people to see your underpants but you are mortally afraid that they might anyway. Here are skorts. See the difference?
JH - I HEARD about that place! Saw their site on the web, its the best biz idea of have heard of in a loooong time, I was kicking myself that I didn’t think of something that brilliant first. Some folks are such decent entrepreneurs. What was that famous PT Barnum quote??
I would LOVE to take a road trip with Danielle Bean.
Ugh, what time on Saturday? Because the MOTHER of all rummage sales is that morning, and then I have an appointment with my midwife, and I’ll be really disappointed if my husband doesn’t meet her before he gets raptured up. He used to be protestant, so he’s the more likely candidate. Oh no, what if my midwife gets raptured and then I still have to go to a doctor? Can someone get raptured out of a box made out of kryptonite?
But an elastic waist makes them SO comfortable!!!
Daria, skirlot: apparel for the more skittish harlot?
Hey! The Site says they’re becoming popular with “Young and Old alike!” I have a feeling the ‘young” are using them to hide their mini-skirts when they leave the house for school in the morning and then stuffing them in a backpack as soon as they’re on the bus! ;)
Though if you’re really afraid your skirt will blow up in the breeze, why not just wear some good old fashioned bloomers? ;)
THE SKIRLOT! My goodness, what a hilarious invention. @Dierdre: They sell good old-fashioned bloomers on that website, too! Hahahaha!!!
See you at Mass on Sunday! ;)
You have to join the post-rapture looting party on Facebook to find out the best locations to pick up loot.
I’m just glad that I got to laugh this hard before The End!!!
Also, will most of the rapturees be employed, or unemployed? And won’t they be overwhelmingly American? So maybe, if they’re employed, the rapture will lower our unemployment rate! Woohoo!
(except—-wait…. it will increase the oversupply of housing. Dang it! We just can’t win!)
BTW—this all does remind me of my beef with the “three days of darkness” folk.
Supposedly, if you’re outside you die instantly, but if you’re inside, you have to endure 3 days of demonic torment. At that point, wouldn’t death be the POSITIVE outcome? I mean, purgatory versus demons. Who, in their right mind, would choose the demons?????
Daria, skirlot: apparel for the more skittish harlot?
Which, I guess, means that she is in the wrong business.
I think all the women being raptured should wear skirlots so we don’t see their underwear when they go up in the sky.
Am I the only one who has paused while washing dishes the last few weeks and thought….“Hmmm, maybe JUST IN CASE, I should get to confession before Saturday…”?
This is just brilliant - thank you for starting my day off with such enjoyment.
Corita, no you are not the only one, my 14 year-old daughter told me she wanted to go to confession. She went right before Easter, so I told her she is fine. She is insisting however!
@Anna: Never let her pass up an opportunity to confess if she feels the need. Just remind her that Jesus assured us that if anyone thought they knew the date the world would end it was a sure sign they were wrong since even He didn’t know the date or the time.
“A 7” slit opening on sides allow the color of the shorts to peek through.”
What’s the difference between the ‘shorts’ in the skirlot peeking through a 7” slit up the thigh and some guy’s jeans hanging 7” lower than the waistband of his contrasting-color boxers? Aren’t they both undershorts?
;-)
And yes… I’ve definitely thought about Confession before Saturday. Unfortunately, our parish isn’t doing the entrepreneurial thing and offering extra Confession times this week… the soonest Confession times are after the scheduled Rapture (assuming Jesus is on EST).
Well, the most fervent environmentalist I know being Pope Benedict, I’m will get right on “8” and try to get a papal audience to tell him the good news.
Joking aside, not all environmentalist are malthusians (for example, Pope Benedict is an environmentalist and he is not malthusian). And not all malthusians are environmentalist (for instance, many right-wing capitalists are responding to the Pope’s call for a change in economic paradigm to make the world a nice place to live for our many children with “the problem is not that rich people like me are destroying the environment, it’s that there is way too much poor people. Let’s forbid poor people from having kids so that I and my fellow rich people can enjoy our life. There’s just enough of me and way too much of you”).
Simcha,
You either write very funny lines or your writing encourages hilarious responses. I find myself reading the responses aloud to my beautful wife, who is trying to focus on her genealogy research. They do say that “Laughter is the best medicine!”
Thank you.
TeaPot562
So I DON’T have to go to work on Saturday?? I can call out using the Rapture or whatever as my excuse??? Think they’ll buy it?
Oh wow, you can’t imagine what a relief this is. I’m a stress puppy at the moment. My 17-yo Aspie son has just been elected to prom court. He wasn’t going to prom, mind you, because it would have been way too much for him to handle. But he’s been elected so now he’s going. It’s this Saturday. Have these people specified a particular TIME for the big event? Would that be Eastern Time? Pacific? Inquiring minds want to know…
Ok, the skirlot name is funny, but thanks for the link ‘cause they carry bloomers ie God’s gift to my girly toddler.
A Catholic woman should not wear a skirlot when visiting the Vatican. She would end up being called the Skirlot of Rome. ;-)
Laughing so hard I split a seam in my skirlot!
This particular rapture event is a gift that keeps giving ....
Actually, my favorite piece of Rapture-related advice was -
Go to the home of the holiest rich person you know. That way, if he gets taken and you don’t, you can move in and have all his stuff!
You made me snort my drink through my nose with laughter…!
let me throw water on this party:
http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com/2011/05/no-rapture-not-smug.html
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