(“Duty Calls” at xkcd.com)
I’m not always proud of my behavior online. No, really! Still, I am better than I used to be; and, as I always tell my kids, you can’t ask for more than progress. Here are a few things that help me behave when discussing important topics (especially religious ones) online:
Remember there’s a person on the other end. When things get intense, I sometimes mention something personal to bring the conversation back to a human level: Instead of “I’ve wasted enough time with you, thickhead” try “Gotta go throw that meatloaf in the oven now.” Someone else is likely to say, “Hey, we’re having meatloaf, too!” and everyone suddenly remembers that, if we were sitting around the kitchen and smelling meatloaf cooking, we wouldn’t be talking to each other so nastily (even if the other person really is a thickhead).
“Be gentle, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” You’ve arrived at your point of view through pure intellect, but they’ve arrived at theirs through pure malice or stupidity, right? Probably not. People who disagree with you are using their brains, but also their experience—which may have been nothing like yours. Your dad was great; theirs was a monster, and maybe that’s why they can’t accept the fatherhood of God. We are all kind of a mess inside, and won’t see ourselves or anyone else clearly until the Second Coming. Remember that there is no point of view in a vacuum: we all have baggage.
Pray before you comment. I don’t actually do this, but I know I should. Just a quick, “Lord, bless Mr. Troll”—it couldn’t hurt, right? Or you could say to yourself, “I am pleasing God by writing the following,” and see if that changes your tone at all.
Fake it till you make it. If you can’t be nice for the sake of Christian charity, do it because it makes you look good. If someone is being horrible to you, you can strike back horribly, and then no one is happy. Or you can respond with preternatural patience and a smothering kindness, which will at very least make other people rally around you. And occasionally, the person who lashed out will collapse and apologize.
Apologize when you’re wrong, and do it like a Catholic: in the active voice. If you’ve hurt someone, intentionally or not, then say you’re sorry for what you did—not “I’m sorry your poor widdle feelings got poked with the sharpness of my intellect.” If you got really carried away, a follow-up by personal email can make a big difference next time you clash with your opponent. If the other guy refuses to apologize, it’s his problem on his conscience, not yours.
Know when to go. If you’ve made your point as clearly as you can several times, and people still don’t agree with you, then there are three possible reasons: (a) you’re wrong; (b) you’re right, but not a good explainer; or (c) you’re right and eloquent, but this audience simply won’t hear you. In any case, it’s time to move along.
And finally, remember that the fate of the Church does not rest on your shoulders. No matter how important the topic of conversation, it’s just a conversation, and your first obligation is to the people physically around you. Are you getting shaky? Have you heard yourself shriek, “Shut up, shut up, I’m defending Communion on the tongue!!!” Has your home shown up on Drudge with the headline “House of Filth?” If so, then whatever you lose by losing the argument is not as important as what you will gain by walking away.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw a pizza in the oven.
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I had a huge fallout with someone online - I’d “known” her 12 years, exchanged Christmas cards and family pictures, etc. - and was so hurt by a setup that I acted uncharitably before deleting her from my online life. (Is that pathetic to say? “Online life”?)
I knew I’d done wrong, and then went to Confession over it. Wrote an apology email, making no excuse for my behavior while not excusing her for setting me up to humiliate me. Hardest penance ever.
I’m still working on the total forgiveness aspect, but I do pray for her and her family to this day. Refuse to take her off my list that’s tucked into my Missal. (And, no, my prayer is not “I hope she wakes up to what a jerk she is.” Because overall, she’s not a jerk.)
Bravo, Simcha. And pass the meatloaf. Or pizza - even better. :)
I’ve dealt with these issues a lot over the last few weeks because of the Planned Parenthood defunding topic. After years away from being in a position where I would feel the need or even have the opportunity to defend the pro-life stance, suddenly (thanks to social networking), I’m back in the fray. It’s very hard to stay civil and refrain from name-calling (at best) when everything stated by “the other side” is so full of…wrong.
These are good tips and reminders!
Thanks for this, Simcha.
One thought that has really, really helped me with all of this is a quote from St. Therese. It’s a great reminder along the lines of your last point—
“Why should we defend ourselves when we are misunderstood and misjudged? Let us leave that aside. Let us not say anything. It is so sweet to let others judge us in any way they like. O blessed silence, which gives so much peace to the soul!”
Amen to that.
“I’m sorry your poor widdle feelings got poked with the sharpness of my intellect.” hee hee.
I love that you chose this topic! I admit to loving all the static your incisive posts create- I say to my husband, “She had to close down comments again!” You have a knack for keeping a balance between our oh-so-human nature and the supernatural goals we should aspire to. Now: I’m off to prepare my perfectly behaved children their organic, sugar-free, vegan lunch…!
“Or you could say to yourself, “I am pleasing God by writing the following,”
<edited>
Pam ;0)
“I don’t actually do this, but I know I should.”
I love this sentence dearly.
Sometimes we witness to others by showing a good example…sometimes we witness even more by admitting as to how we know how we could show a better one, but haven’t managed yet.
(P.S. Even though this is a “well done!” and not a “you jerk!” comment, I just said a little prayer before hitting “Submit”, for the first time ever. I do plan on making it a habit.)
Great timing, thank you. I’ve been in a Twitter battle with someone and I’ve practically been losing sleep over it. God bless!
It’s good to remember that ultimately we are part of a larger spiritual battle going on in the heavens—we are likely to be attacked just for showing up “Catholic”... so try not to take too much of it personally.
Did you bring in the XKCD *and* a Kung Fu reference (point #2)? Or is it just that Master Po and Kwai Chang sound really Catholic to me? :-p
“If you can’t be nice for the sake of Christian charity, do it because it makes you look good.”
Why would I wish to commit the sin of pride?
@Nick: I’d put that under the category of “lesser of two evils”. And anyway, the broader point there is the very old-fashioned idea of the training of the sentiments. Small children—as well as big people still addled by the ideologies of the ‘60s and ‘70s—feel what they feel and express it and that’s that. Grown-ups ask themselves what they *should* feel, then act as if they did feel that way. Over time, this can lead to a more virtuous heart and more dignified actions.
(Though you’re right…it is hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way. But I’ll take that risk over acting uncharitably, and then having a good wallow in my awareness of my own wretchedness.)
(P.P.S. Dangit, forgot to pray before hitting Submit both times. Fat lot of good it’s doing me for this post…but I’m doing it anyway ‘coz I finally remembered.)
@ Tara - Kung Fu? Could be! The only attribution I could find was to Plato, and that seemed fishy, so I just put quotation marks and backed away.
@Goliard - Your humility has always been very impressive - you should be proud of it!
@Nick - Of course you’re right, we shouldn’t be trying to bolster our vanity in the name of charity. I guess I was thinking along the lines of imperfect contrition: it’s best to be sorry because we’ve offended God, but if the best we can do is to be afraid of Hell, then that’s better than not going to confession at all.
I often find myself in the position of knowing I should say something kind, and finding it really hard to muster up the motivation. But once I do it—even if it’s for the wrong reasons—it often leads to genuine sympathy. But if that’s a stumbling block for you, the by all means, ignore this advice! It’s just something that works for me.
perfect and beautiful- I’ll remember these tips
There’s a great XKCD for the point #1, too. http://xkcd.com/438/
Gives a whole new meaning to the word “Submit.”
The moment you think you’ve gained humility, you’ve lost it! Christine the soccer mom, I often find the only way to start praying properly for someone I’ve disagreed with is first to pray that they’ll realise what a jerk they’ve been to me. Hey, I’m fallen just like everyone else - although probably more so. Blog Goliard (do you have a blog? - I’d read it!), I think part of at least pretending, to flesh out your point, is part of incremental conversion. I know someone wrote about that once…oh yeah, it was Simcha!
Well done! I have seen several iterations of this topic over my “internet years”, but none more entertaining and to-the-point than yours. Please God, these points will stick with me better than I’ve let them do in the past…
As always, I’m delighted by your style of writing. “Do it Like a Catholic” - hee. And love your filing tags. :)
@Pammywombat—LOL! I think I would do well to praise God more often with some internet-silence!
Simcha, that’s one of my favorite xkcd’s, but I do also love the linear analysis of “12 Angry Men.” Granted, in that one, it’s overshadowed by the “Lord of the Rings” analysis….. (xkcd.com/657)
To those unfamiliar with xkcd, please do not assume that anyone here actually agrees with EVERYTHING there. :)
@Renee: The blog (http://blog.goliard.us/) has been mostly dormant, and I don’t think the formatting plays nicely with the latest versions of Internet Explorer, with all the interesting new ways Microsoft keeps trying to break the Web.
When I find the time, I do hope to get it going full-steam again. Been way too overwhelmed at work lately to do much more than hang out in Simcha’s comboxes though.
Very edifying Simcha! My favorite pre-post prayer is “Come Holy Spirit.”. I admit that while there is a strong “Lord please help me be polite and not hurt people.” side there is a “Lord please help me come across as articulate, be understood and not make punctuation errors so horrific that people discount everything I say.” side to it as well. Important emails usually merit the full Holy Spirit prayer.
And no, my somewhat consistent prayer is not because I am holy but because I have been hurt badly enough online that I understand how much potential there is for me to do the same.
Excellent reminder!
How comforting to know that everyone else seems to be dealing with the same Internet communication devils that I am. Since it’s all on-line, and we never meet people in person, a false world is created where misunderstandings seem to take on a life of their own.
When discussing the Catholic Faith, always use the “CATECHISM of the CATHOLIC CHURCH, Second Edition” first printed in the USA in March 2000, as your reference for accuracy. The CCC contains the Doctrine of the Church, and is the only catechism from the Magisterium. Truth and honesty are required, and many errors are posted by well intentioned persons. One more thing - don’t judge persons who may not know any better and are seeking truth - - - but do not tolerate or be complaisant about SINFUL actions. Admonishing sinners and Counselling the Doubtful are two Spirtual Works of Mercy.
Thanks, Simcha. I hope this is read far and wide. It’s something that’s been bothering me a lot lately as I read comments on many blogs. I’d even suggest that if you’re not sure how your comment will come across (because it’s often hard to discern how our tone will come across to others, even though we know what we mean), have someone else you trust have a quick read to make sure you’re making the point you mean to, at least in heated debates.
I stumbled upon this article while preparing for a meeting of the Tucson Atheists. Recently, I’ve been engaged in a one-on-one discussion with a Catholic that calls himself Taxpayer Help.
I like your advice on this topic, Simcha. I do believe that you missed one very important point, however. Try to be engaged in the conversation. By this I mean, try and listen to the other side of the discussion.
I did not engage with Taxpayer Help. It was clear he didn’t want to hear a word I typed. I was not looking for a fight, just a conversation. Preaching at someone and is not conversing.
By the way, he could benefit from your advice about apologizing. When he called me out for a mistake that he made, I pointed it out…His answer? “Yes, but Jesus said those who think they are wise are really FOOLS. If you stay on your current path you will be humbled some day and you will remember me on that day. Ace !” Some apology, huh? He calls me the FOOL.
I realize that opening one’s mind to the other side of the discussion represents a certain amount of danger to the faithful, so bolster your defenses with good sincere prayer and enjoy the conversation.
Was searching for the St. Therese quote in the comments when Google brought me back here. It’s even better the second time around!
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@AZAtheist (if you ever see this): I’m afraid there are plenty of passionate apologists who feel the only way to really get their points across is to beat people over the head with them, even if a deep pride is not involved. Evangelization is an important facet of a believer’s life, no doubt, but I once heard a famous convert say that very few conversions do not involve an ongoing conversation or a relationship. Thank you for the reminder to try to actually listen to someone, even if you don’t agree.
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To be fair, it’s a trap I’ve seen many atheists fall into, too - well, really for any topic over which people hold a strong opinion. But few generate the defensiveness and condescension that religion/nonreligion is capable of generating.
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“I realize that opening one’s mind to the other side of the discussion represents a certain amount of danger to the faithful, so bolster your defenses with good sincere prayer and enjoy the conversation.”
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Interesting - I’ve not sensed any danger in having a conversation about my religion. ;-) I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, striving to investigate atheism and other religions with what I hope is an open mind and a strong spirit of humility. But then, I’ve not seen it as a “battle”, which is what your final comment seems to imply - just an effort to understand another fellow traveller on life’s journey.
Really great tips! I often like to comment on the news media boards (mostly morally liberal, meaning they are pro-aborters and like to defend many disgusting things)and run into a LOT of immoral and/or non-believers. The non-believers constantly berate Christianity or those who believe in God. Whenever I write a response, I do re-read it several times. I’ve often deleted my post after re-reading it because of the tone. If one is not nice, the words will NOT be heard. The “bad” person will just get more bad.
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