In Tuesday’s post about tattoos, a reader said,
n my little corner of the world, it’s a somewhat popular practice among Christians to have a wedding ring tattoo stamped on the ring finger when they get married. I’m not sure how to analyze that. It’s wonderful that they’re saying, “I’m in this for life.” But didn’t that used to be what the vows were for?
I’ve thought the same thing, although I understand that cultural connotations may vary (and that some people understandably opt for tattoos if they work with dangerous, ring-snagging machinery). The thing about metal wedding rings is that you can take them off — but you choose not to. Something is lost when we make it impossible to take off that ring. In a small way, the voluntary nature of wedding jewelry speaks volumes about the trust you place in each other, and in yourselves.
I wish I could find the recent article by a therapist who argues that marriage is an unnatural and undesirable state of being. He bases his opinion partially on the fact that a huge percentage of his patients identified their marriage as a significant stressor. I’d like to remind the good doctor that 100% of his study group were PEOPLE IN THERAPY. Concluding that marriage is therefore universally suspect is sort of like working in a hospital and concluding that walking around is unnatural and undesirable, since so many of your patients identified walking around as the occasion of their injury: the sample group is, perhaps, a little skewed.
Anyway, another of his arguments goes something like this: Marriage is supposed to mean the life-long duty of monogamy. It therefore deprives both spouses of the precious gift of being chosen anew every day. When you roll over in bed and see your same of old wife, he says, there’s nothing romantic about that—nothing loving about forging ahead with the same old same old. What people really want, he argues, is to be freshly selected as a partner over and over again. This freshness, this free will, this clear-eyed affirmation of affection is the only way to know that you are truly loved, and not merely endured out of habit or convenience.
In other words, the man is insane. And knows nothing about love. And has no business giving anyone advice about anything, beyond how to open, and possibly subsequently to close, the door to his office while hightailing it out of there and over to the nearest bar, where you are likely to find more sensible views about human love scribbled on the bathroom wall.
People in marriages that last understand that freshness and affection come when you stop chasing after them. They come at odd times, after you’ve earned them by putting in the long hours of devotion, faithfulness, and fortitude. What the therapist extolled as true love sounds like a perpetual nightmare of anxiety. Imagine rolling over in bed to see your not-spouse, and wondering, “Will he choose me today? Am I good enough? Will I make the grade?” That doesn’t sound like romance to me, that sounds like pure terror.
In a good marriage, we work hard to make ourselves attractive and appealing. We strive to be pleasant and helpful, good company. We try to be someone our spouses would want to choose, given half the chance. But, unless something has gone terribly wrong, there is no choice—or, rather, the choice has been made. We enjoy the deep comfort of knowing that it will not be reneged upon.
Jimmy Akin says that when a Protestant asks, “Are you saved?” we can answer, “I have been saved; I am being saved; and I will be saved.” Yes, I’m free to mess this up for myself at any time—but I have been loved, I am being loved, and I will be loved.
There have been times when I wanted to kill my husband. But it never crossed my mind to leave him, to undo what we had done—and he says the same. Even when I’m obnoxious and whiny, even when I’m so enormously pregnant that I couldn’t roll over in bed if I tried, even when I’m doing everything I can to make it hard to be married to me, I know he’s not going to take his wedding ring off.
It’s not because he can’t, but because he won’t. The fact that he can makes my certainty all the more delicious.
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As usually, beautiful, funny, and brilliant post. The fresh, daily terror suggested by that therapist makes me want to slap him a little. And by “a little” of course I mean “a lot”.
Thank you, Simcha!
Thank you, Simcha; what a beautiful perspective!
Quite frankly, being in a relationship where you’re terrified every day that your significant other won’t re-choose you sounds like a fun and easy way to get trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship. Has this guy heard of the Hippocratic Oath?
On another note, this was a wonderful piece full of common sense. Thanks, Simcha.
“In other words, the man is insane. And knows nothing about love. And has no business giving anyone advice about anything, beyond how to open, and possibly subsequently to close,...” and amen sister. Another reason to avoid therapists all together. I think of a Woody Allen scene every time I even hear ‘thereapy’ mentioned.
Ech, my stupid connection keeps going out so please forgive if this posts twice.
I think I agree with you, but I don’t quite understand the logic. Is it that the small choice of having a removable wedding ring is good, but that the large choice of having no binding vows is bad? It seems inconsistent. What am I missing?
I’m curious about what kind of emotional baggage the therapist in question brings to the table regarding matrimony. What kind of example of marriage did he witness growing up in his house? What kind of friends has he surrounded himself with, and what do their marriages look like? Is he married?
I think marriage is one of those things humans absolutely need to observe in others to learn how to do. Because it *is* unnatural. But unnatural in the same way all acts of service and loving self-sacrifice are. Thanks to Original Sin, our default setting has been reprogrammed to “self-serving”, and marriage, thankfully, is intended to help correct that.
Without the holy example of strong marriages (yes, in all their sometimes cranky, unlovely glory), this therapist’s notions about the institution are totally understandable.
I love this post! Although I think the choice doesn’t have to come with the outer, physical sign, either. I’ll often forget to put my wedding ring on b/c I don’t want it to get messed up while I’m up to my elbows in dishes, housecleaning and uh, kid stuff, but the choice is internal; the commitment is still there. And that’s refreshing now, as I am finally (in my 4th pregnancy) being forced to take my ring off semi-permanently due to swollen fingers.
Laughing - again - thanks! But, to bob cratchit (and others who may dismiss therapists) - I will stand up proudly and say my marriage was saved by a very good, very Catholic therapist. I was talking divorce and my priest recommended just talking…I am happy to say my dh came along.
They are out there and too many couples dismiss the value of going to one when you need it. We go to a medical doctor if we are profoundly sick and don’t try to self-diagnosis much less self-medicate. The same is true if your marriage is sick - we don’t know everything and finding the help we need can - literally - save your marriage. I would recommend www.exceptionalmarriages.com as start….
@sara: My point was that, in the hierarchy of relationships, no commitment is bad, and a commitment you can’t get out of is not much better; but a commitment that you’ve promised to chose not to get out of is the perfect combination of duty and freedom, and means the most to the person you’re with.
Thank you a million times! I was at a loss to explain to my daughter why I just didn’t think it sounded right. Her argument is that people in our society does no take the vows seriously, their own or anyone else’s, and she thinks a wedding ring tattoo will amplify her commitment. I didn’t really think the vows needed to be amplified, they’re pretty clear.
@sara, having a removable wedding ring is no small choice
Thanks, Simcha. I see it’s a continuum you’re talking about. I get it now.
That therapist has no idea how thrilling it is to sleep next to the same person day after day, year after year and to be suddenly woken up by that person in the middle of the night because you are wanted and he/she still chooses you over everyone else in the world.
This is a great post Simcha. I have recently been searching for ways to express my love to my wife. I want to do something special and little, sometimes big and loud, sometimes just a wink to let her know I am thinking of her. Do you know how hard it is to find something on the internet with this type of information and even more so with a Catholic perspective? I find most of the Catholic sites are geared to theology. I am thinking of something that integrates Theology of the Body but focuses more on the body than the theology, like the practical rather than abstract.
We hear “Marriage is commitment.” Yes, it is and wonderful it is indeed. But how can we continue to show our spouse a thousand different ways to express love to her? How do we communicate different desires? How to we go about learning more and deeper about the mystery of the person that is our wife? Finding a site devoted to such if hard to find. My guess is that there might be a wife’s type site, but doubtful there is a husband’s.
Any recommendations?
@Rachel W….That’s fantastic that your marriage was saved (!) but I always wonder what can a therepist tell a couple that they didn’t already know or suspect? At the end of the day wasn’t it really you and your dh cooperating with grace that saved your marriage?
Simcha paraphrased the nutty therapist’s notion as “Marriage is supposed to mean the life-long duty of monogamy. It therefore deprives both spouses of the precious gift of being chosen anew every day.”
I’ll tell you about choosing ... I am the sole caregiver for my spouse who was permanently disabled in middle age but whose health is so robust, he may live to be 90-something. He is not nor ever will be again the same person I married lo these many years ago. Every single day I get up in the morning and choose to remain faithful and to do my duty; I choose not to empty out our savings and run somewhere else to start a new life. You can probably see that I have been tempted to do just that. There’s the precious gift of choosing anew in marriage for you. If it weren’t my daily choice, if I were deprived of the choosing, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Simcha is right ... that therapist is insane.
My godson’s parents have their rings tattooed on, but it was for medical reasons. My friend has a whole host of medical problems, including diabetes and PCOS, which means her weight fluctuates and her fingers tend to swell and change size a lot. Yeah, it’s lovely to be able to take off the ring but choose not to, but it doesn’t work so well if you can’t get the ring on in the first place.
Besides, plenty of people get their spouse’s name tattooed on them and that doesn’t seem to stop people from leaving. Why would a tattooed band around the finger be any different? Waking up morning after morning beside your spouse is still a choice, ink or no.
Yes. All of that *and* tatoos are so déclassé.
Yay Simcha! With a little effort, any relationship can have the spark of new love. Just give it a little thought and be willing to put yourself out there again, just like you did in the beginning.
And Thank You to Understandably Anonymous for your post. Remember the words of Mother Teresa: “My gift is the ability to see the face of Jesus in its most distressing disguise.”
Jared, I think it is beautiful you want to find ways to expess your love to your wife in more tangible ways. Have you considered a Marriage Encounter? It isn’t for marriages that are in trouble. It’s a weekend away with your spouse that focuses just on you and teaches a new way to communicate to each other. It will help you with your desire to “learning more and deeper about the mystery of the person that is your wife”.
Some other suggestions I have are: write her love letters. President Reagan took the time to write to Nancy, even when he was in the White House. They made a book of the letter, and they are so tender and beautiful.
Have you heard of the “Five Love Languages”? If not, look it up. Find out what your wife’s love language is and then fill her love tank. You may have the love language of physical touch, but if her love language is gifts then hugs will be nice, but not as much of an expression of love for her then if you unexpectedly bring her home some flowers or other small meaningful gift.
The best advice I ever got was to be the spouse I wanted my husband to be.
A fabulous post, Simcha, and I am in full accord with Rachel W: therapists are not all bad and, when you find the right one, can be sanity and life-saving. A grounded, good, believing therapist can see things that may be impossible for you to get to one your own when fully immersed in whatever crisis or terror has you and your life or marriage by the throat. A good therapist can create a space to let us “give comfort rootroom” when it’s the last thing we’d be capable of doing without help, when we’ve locked ourselves into our own patterns and can’t get out. They don’t know the “answers”—as it’s almost never that simple anyway. But their help can be indispensable.
But thanks, as always, Simcha!
Melissa G, you gave some wonderful advice. We haven’t been to Marriage Encounter, but we have been to Retrouvaille. The love letters are along the ideas I am looking for. I have the “5 Love Languages” and have read some of it. It is a good source too. So far you are batting 100! I would also recommend Popcak’s books. I guess what I am saying is, there are plenty of Catholic family books, raising kids books, theology books on marriage, but the practical day-to-day in the trenches I find lacking.
For example, sexuality is often “left to the spouses to figure out” but I bet there are many Catholic couples that want Catholic advice on “spicing” it up. Or at least how to communicate this desire. However, most often this topic is a no-no when discussed in practice but totally legit when discussed in abstract like “totally giving of yourself.” Retrouville actually touches upon this in the follow up sessions. Ultimately, I guess I am saying where are the practical tips on how to communicate. We have the best theology, just waiting for the best how-to.
Your last sentence is very good and the heart of marriage, keep that principle!
@Jared,
Read the whole “5 Love Languages” book & figure out her language. Or, for the cheatsheet, go online to:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
Figure out her language (ask her to take the survey & email you her results) & then go back to the book for practical examples. Then “just do it!” :)
I whole heartedly agree! I have been married 26 years. I would do it all over again. My children are grown and I have 3 amazing grandchildren. With all of this “under my belt” I am still utterly and completely smitten. I think we hear far too much from those in crisis, and we hear far too little from those who are in solid loving relationships. We begin to think in society that having one spouse for a life time is rare. Thank you for your insight and willingness to share. The sweetest words are that we would do it all over again. I read Humanae Vitae when I was expecting my second child and have sought to live it. Encouragement is a powerful thing!
@bobcratchit-as someone who is watching her sister go through some very painful marital issues and some accompanying therapy, I have to say that my sister’s therapy is largely about coping skills. I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies, in that we have all this baggage that we either don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with. Not all couples know what is amiss in their marriage, and, even if they do, they don’t necessarily have the tools to fix it. In some cases, not both spouses cooperate with God’s grace. I think therapy has its place.
I love the parallel between the working out of salvation and the working out of married love. And, by the way, that book by Jimmy Akin is one of the reasons I’m Catholic.
“Imagine rolling over in bed to see your not-spouse, and wondering, “Will he choose me today? Am I good enough? Will I make the grade?” That doesn’t sound like romance to me, that sounds like pure terror.”
I think this is the best takedown of the silly anti-monogamy messages I’ve heard yet. Thanks for another excellent post!
I read the article after the link was posted on your other post, and I agree. The author has a very perverted opinion about marriage. Interestingly though, I came across the subject of partners “choosing” each other on a daily basis, from a far more insightful author. It’s Mark Gungor who wrote “Laugh your way to a better marriage”. He is a protestant minister, but his message is quite Catholic. In one chapter he writes about what women want:
“What a woman wants - what she is longing for in her deepest of hearts - what all women want - is simly this: She wants to be chosen. ...
When a man proposes marriage to a woman, he is saying to her, Of all the women in the world, I choose you. ...
The man who understands this holds the key to what a woman truly desires. Love is not enough. She must be chosen. Choose her. The complaining wife doesn’t really care that her husband watches too much TV, or plays too many video games, or works too long; it is that he does those things instead of choosing her. The man who will regularly demonstrate to his wife that she is his top choice will be the man with an extremely happy wife. ...
That act of choosing her reaffirms to her your love and commitment. ...
Truth is, guys if you will make the effort to demonstrate to your wife that you are choosing her, she will push you out to enjoy more time with other activities you find enjoyable or productive. But you must demonstrate, Instead of this, I choose you. Instead of that, I choose you. Instead of my buddies, I choose you.”
I agree with this very much. And I think it’s very romantic.
“But it never crossed my mind to leave him, to undo what we had done—and he says the same. Even when I’m obnoxious and whiny, even when I’m so enormously pregnant that I couldn’t roll over in bed if I tried…I know he’s not going to take his wedding ring off. “
Absolutely. Just last night I was thinking how great it is that somehow my husband both stays with me and doesn’t turn away in disgust as I waddle my way through the latest pregnancy and its associated, er, gastrointestinal woes, whining the entire time. If I had to wonder if he would choose the bloated, gassy, enormous and ungainly wife he rolled over next to these latest mornings, I would be quaking in terror. The wonderful man even had the grace to rub my back and tell me I was as attractive as ever, giant belly and all.
On monogamy, I stand with Chesterton…
I could never mix in the common murmur of that rising generation against monogamy, because no restriction on sex seemed so odd and unexpected as sex itself. To be allowed, like Endymion, to make love to the moon and then to complain that Jupiter kept his own moons in a harem seemed to me a vulgar anti-climax. Keeping to one woman is a small price for so much as seeing one woman.
To complain that I could only be married once was like complaining that I had only been born once. It was incommensurate with the terrible excitement of which one was talking. It showed, not an exaggerated sensibility to sex, but a curious insensibility to it. A man is a fool who complains that he cannot enter Eden by five gates at once.
Bravo, SteveG for that perfectly worded (as always) bit from Chesterton. That last sentence is perfection.
“Even when I’m obnoxious and whiny, even when I’m so enormously pregnant that I couldn’t roll over in bed if I tried, even when I’m doing everything I can to make it hard to be married to me, I know he’s not going to take his wedding ring off.”
You are so blessed! :) Remember to always pray for your dearly beloved. And please pray for those of us whose spouses did not have this attitude in their marriages. It’s terrible to thrown away like the trash. :(
If you’re married then it’s better to have the real thing. Ladies-the biggest rock you can talk your fiancee out of…it need not be a diamond per se.
Tattoo wedding rings should only be for same sex “marriages” because pseudo wedding equals pseudo ring.
SteveG: Love that quote from Chesterton!
Jared: True enough what you’re saying about actual, practical tips on how to communicate, especially in the sexual realm. One problem is, I think, the internet might not be the best place to find such help, as it is so open and prone to dangerous hijacking by those who are not coming from the same worldview.
One thing about Marriage Encounter (not sure about Retrouvaille on this) is that after the weekend you’re given the opportunity for ongoing couple support by meeting on a regular basis with other couples to share various tools, techniques, insights, etc, to maintaining strong marriages.
Another real blessing we have found is with Couple Prayer, www.coupleprayer.org. It’s a six week CD/DVD series that opens the door to deeper communication with each other and God, enhancing what you already share and giving you different ways to communicate in prayer.
love it!!!
What little corner of the world is that…Greenwich Village? I’m pretty well traveled and I have never heard of nor seen tattooed wedding rings but then I’ve never been to Greenwich Village. Well I guess if you tattoo it that must make it forever. Who knew the solution to the crisis of family in the west would be so simple.
If you tattoo your wedding ring on, there’s still room lengthwise down the finger to record the date of divorce. You could marry and divorce ten times and have a finger for each. Then I suppose you’d have to start using toes.
Jared et al
See http://www.skillswork.org/mml-curriculum/mastering-the-mysteries-of-love/mastering-the-mysteries-of-sacramental-love/
“I’d like to remind the good doctor that 100% of his study group were PEOPLE IN THERAPY.”
This made me cackle out loud at work.
I have a friend who says she has endured watching a couple get the rings tattooed on *at the ceremony*...I hate the thought of needles and I think that would be the point when I would pass out.
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