Here’s something I just realized: Vanity and self-loathing are two sides of the same coin.
That sounds odd, because vanity is an excessive interest or concern with your own assets—an inordinate attention to your looks, talents, etc. And self-loathing means you can’t admit to yourself that you have any assets. Hard to imagine a vain person hating himself—and hard to imagine someone who hates himself ever succumbing to vanity. But I think it’s actually extremely common for these two to go together. This relationship is something I think of as “the Matrix/Disney Heresy.”
I liked the 1999 move The Matrix when it first came out—it was original and entertaining. But now I see its premise—that you can either take one pill and live a life of happy delusion, or take another which will reveal reality in all its grim horror—as a symptom of a modern disease: the idea that the truthiest truth that we can find is always, always, always something bad.
The Matrix mentality says that when we see the worst of something, then we’re seeing what’s at its heart. Right? When someone ordinary does something awful, we think, “Aha, now I know what he’s really like!” (And we see an ordinary person doing something magnificent, we say, “I didn’t know he had it in him!” as if a good deed is some kind of errant parasite that happened to land in this unwitting host.)
The self-loathing person says the same thing about himself: Any virtues I have seem like a transient fluke or like fakery, whereas the flaws—ah, those are definitive.
The “Disney” side of the heresy is the idea that, deep down, everyone is equally lovable, given half a chance. There are no truly evil people, just misunderstood victims. There are no false ideas, just underdeveloped good intentions. Achieving something is less important than wanting to achieve; and wanting to achieve is less important than believing you can. And the greatest sin you can commit is to stop believing in yourself.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, it chirps that whatever is good in me is definitive, overwhelming, more than enough. Vanity is a pot that boils and boils until nothing is left but a sense of achievement.
The voice of the Matrix is one of despair, where undespoiled Good does not exist anywhere; and oddly, the voice of Disney is sort of the same—because when we define the ultimate good as something so paltry as a sense of self-worth, this worldview shuts out paradise just as firmly as frank despair does.
In both vanity and self-loathing, the temptation is to say the same thing, whether we’re preoccupied with our assets or our flaws: “Aha, now we know what I’m really like.” The temptation to reduce ourselves this way is so strong because, as with most temptations, it’s kind of true.
When, for instance, we see our sins for what they are, we can be overwhelmed with disgust, seeing our flaws as if they are our whole selves. In a way, this is appropriate: In our most honest moments, we see that our sins are not quirky or endearing, not courageous or empowering. Sin looks like something that should be flushed down the toilet—every sin, every time.
But here’s where the truth in the temptation has its limits: Temptation says, “This is who you are.” But reality continues, “Yes, you see it clearly. Now get rid of it!”
Vanity comes when we look at our virtues (of varying importance) and say the same thing as the self-loathing person says when confronted with sin: “This is who I really am.” Well, yes—but only in part. Vanity is the sin of being unable to look away from that one bright spot in your own reflection. It’s just as limiting a perception as self-loathing—it tells just as incomplete a story about who you really are.
The temptation of vanity says, with partial truth, “Behold, the magnificence that thou art!” But then reality continues, “All right, hot shot. Now what are you going to do with it?”
So whether we’re talking about getting past self-loathing or getting past vanity, the process is the same: Seeing ourselves honestly is not an end, it’s a beginning. What makes the difference is what we do next with what we see.
You may think I’m overstating my case to call this psychological phenomenon a “heresy;” but truly, both vanity and self-loathing say something contrary to what the Church teaches about the human soul. It teaches that we are wounded by original sin, but still made in the likeness of God. You can’t boil that down to any one single virtue or flaw.
So how do we resemble God? We have free will. And that’s what’s at stake here, when we’re struggling with either vanity or self-loathing: Now that we’ve seen ourselves, what do we choose to do next?
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Wow that was good…...Thank you
I’ve seen the connection before, but never so well articulated! It’s actually one of the things I struggle with most: vanity mixed with feelings of worthlessness. :( It’s an odd combination, but it sort of makes sense when you try to temper vanity with Catholicism—it can get all muddled up in the middle with false humility. Obviously, that’s not the solution, but KNOWING what is right doesn’t mean it’s easy to comply. :)
A wise priest once told me that real humility is seeing yourself just as you are—neither all horrible all the time, nor a pristine angel. Rather, it’s being just as accepting of your faults as you are of your strengths.
There’s a Catholic dictionary for young people, I forget the title, but under “humility” the illustration is a Hand coming down from the sky, holding a mirror to a young man’s face.
Wow!
I never thought of the Matrix as reflecting the ideas you describe. I always thought of it as a Christian/Gnostic type of story in which Neo becomes aware that reality is different from what he superficially perceives and that evil is trying to keep him ignorant of reality so it can use him for its own devices. Once Neo becomes aware of the deeper reality, he then has to choose whether to fight for those he loves, regardless of his personal cost.
1. I love the term Hebrew Catholic.
2. I think you’re smart.
3. What you write resonates with what I know about myself.
4. I can be a sinner and I can be holy.
5. I am not either/or, but both/and.
6. Humility, I have heard, is recognizing who I am and who God is.
7. The longer I live the easier it becomes to resist temptation.
8. I am looking forward to reading more by you, Simcha, thank you.
I struggle with both these things. The greatest blessing for me has been the gift of humility. The realization that I can do nothing on my own merit, yet also that God is so generous that he includes me in His work helps me balance my vanity and self loathing. I loath my sinfulness, yet delight in the gift of contrition and the sacraments. It is God who has balanced the scales in my life.
These are actually even more connected (at least I’ve noticed as much in my own life). You start out thinking “Aren’t I wonderful” (vanity), fall in some way (sin), see only the sin (despair and self-loathing), struggle to “get out of it” by focusing on all you do well, repeat.
Humility is being aware of two facts: 1. There is a God, and 2. I’m not Him.
Can we really appreciate how we really are? in the eyes of an angel? of God? On a material level, there is so much that is black, but God’s redemptive grace fills up a lot of the emptiness if we cooperate.
Thomas a Kempis, the author of the ancient Imitation of Christ, preferred to esteem himself the most baseless of men, as a help to humility. Yes, it might go against truth, but then again, it might not - who are we to judge the moral faults of others anyways? By esteeming everyone else’s worth as superior to our own, but at the same time remembering our value as adopted sons and daughters of God through Christ, we have a great help to humility, we learn to think favorably of others, become more internally peaceful and outwardly less rash. Instead of cursing the speeder who cut you off, consider that he was rushing to save someone’s life or something…
It would seem that this blog post, therefore, is somewhat asking the wrong question. The important thing is not are we really good or bad, but rather, how can we get better no matter what truth says about the current state of our soul. Good or bad, we are not perfect: so let’s identify and correct our faults and not worry about the soul’s state - we’ll have to trust in God’s mercy for that one.
I have always thought of the Matrix as a modern-day retelling of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Also, I disagree that Disney promotes the idea that there are no real evil people. The vast majority of their villains are evil without explanation, many of their actions dictated by a dominant sin (pride, vanity, jealousy, etc), and many of them die very gruesome deaths.
Wow! This was really good. I don’t agree with how you portrait the Matrix or Disney, but the point you were trying to make was great.
Mary S said:
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“Also, I disagree that Disney promotes the idea that there are no real evil people. The vast majority of their villains are evil without explanation, many of their actions dictated by a dominant sin (pride, vanity, jealousy, etc), and many of them die very gruesome deaths.”
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That’s a good point, Mary, and I should have been much more specific, because what I was really thinking about was the heroes (or, more often, the heroines). The stories generally follow the time-honored formula of hero with a flaw gets put in trying situation, has to overcome flaw, almost loses everything, and then wins it all in the end, and is stronger and wiser for the struggle. Nothing wrong with that.
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But in Disney, the flaw is almost always has to do with not fully appreciating oneself. It’s rarely something that actually has to genuinely CHANGE, but is more about celebrating the wonderfulness that I already am, deep down, and allowing everyone around me to get the full benefit of Who I Really Am.
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I totally should have stuck with the “Matrix/Weiner Heresy.” That was airtight.
“Yes, you see it clearly. Now get rid of it!”
Amen, Simcha! IF anyone can allow God to show you who you ARE through HIS eyes—allow him, and live it wholly and fully! I regret my many years of self-loathing. It has served NO ONE and I long to live only in Christ, and see me through HIS eyes.
Thank you Simcha for your awareness and for sharing these ideas with your readers. I was especially struck by your conclusion that “vanity and self-loathing say something contrary to what the Church teaches about the human soul. It teaches that we are wounded by original sin, but still made in the likeness of God. You can’t boil that down to any one single virtue or flaw.” This is esepcially accurate when you consider two of the most damaging heresies of the early Church: Gnosticism and Pelagianism. The Matrix is gnostic in part because it talks of “freeing the mind” from the reality of the human condition. Also, because it implies that there is a special knowledge that only a few can access. Disney movies, on the other hand, tend to promote Pelagianism in that they make it seem as if all a person needs to achieve a kind of salvation is what is inside of them (and therefore don’t need God). We are, in fact, human but endowed by grace, which is a portion of divinity endowed by the sacraments. I discuss The Matrix and other cultural phenomena in my book “The Judas Syndrome: Seven Ancient Heresies Return to Betray Christ Anew” (Saint Benedict Press).
I think I read somewhere that heresies are half-truths. This really hit that nail on the head. Thank you for writing this.
What you describe (self-centered loathing or adoration) is called the sin of Pride, and it is the killer of souls.
This article actually reminded me a lot of your recent post, “Dear Graduates,” in that both emphasize reality checks and decisive action in place of too much self-contemplation. I think this later post is a great reminder that that temptation exists for everyone—long after college is over. One more thing: the discussion also reminded me of some advice I received from a friend who was frustrated by my tendency to overthink life, the universe, and everything… She reminded me that Christ is “THE WAY and the Truth and the Life.” That is, sometimes setting forth on a PATH and ACTING (asking yourself “What do we DO now?”) is what makes contemplation real and important. I know I need to remind myself of that more frequently than I do… and this post did the job for me! Thank you so much for your blog. I just recently discovered it and have already found it so helpful.
‘Neo, if you’ve seen yoursel twice, it’s deja vu..’
This was a great article. For me, in the middle is false humility. It’s taken me a lot to be able to not deny my gifts, to not respond ‘Oh, no, it’s just that…’ because this is as much a disservice to God as being boastful.
The whole Disney outlook is not helped by schools here (I’m in NZ, I don’t know about internationally)that seem to focus much more on intention action. I don’t want it to be brutally competitive, but it sure would be nice if people who did achieve were valued for that as well as their intention.
Good points and well-written!
I always find your articles informative and often,inspirational.
For many years now I have had a problem with DISNEY. I live in Fl. and the Youth groups of man Roman Catholic churches have a Disney Day at the end of the school year. Disney Films make mega buck villifying our Priests and our Faith. We’re giving our youth mixe messages.
Also, “the older I get the easier it is to resist temptation”. WATCH OUT!
Complacency is deadly.
“the idea that the truthiest truth that we can find is always, always, always something bad.”
Reminds me of ‘American Beauty.’ What a depressing and crappy movie. The messages of that movie are if you are straight you’re probably a repressed homosexual and won’t be happy until you come out of the closet; if you’re middle class you’re either lost in a soulless corporation or try to find false fulfillment in sad careers; if you are married you have serious problems because you can’t communicate; the attack on Everyday-Life-ness goes on and on. These 90s era post-modernists are so bent on shattering this Norman Rockwell illusion that nobody really has and then swing the pendulum to the other extreme to make you believe that anything wholesome is actually hopeless and ugly. (And after showing all of that ugliness, they expect you to accept that the real point of the movie is that no, actually, life is beautiful. This is achieved by a brief montage showing aspects of the narrator’s life unrelated to the movie.)
I remember being very bummed out by watching the movie. I wasn’t equipped with the understanding that you could strive for something beyond a Matrix/Disney Heresy. I really don’t know how anyone without a Catholic support structure can see beyond the messages the media pumps into the culture…
Thank you so much, Simcha.
Rarely do I read such beautifully rendered prose.
God bless you.
I saw The Matrix and I never would have drawn these observations from it; I thought it was a terrible film. How can you draw any real-life analogies from an outlandish science fiction? That said, I live in the world of self-loathing. I cannot stop obsessing on all the mistakes I have made in my life and how those I love were affected by them. And it is irreparable. Actually, I rather lIke it here - it keeps me humble. I just live in the hope of God’s forgiveness and that when my time comes He will have mercy on me.
Good write up. It is something worth chewing on in my mind until I have the opportunity to speak on this area. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
@Christian regarding American Beauty: I think you are spot on. That movie is messed up, and watching it even as a teenager made me scratch my head in confusion. Good thing my parents kept me Catholic!
@Mary S, so glad you agree. And the director is free to spread his subtle worldview through through film, but it’s just sad that there are few counterbalances in mainstream media.
Wow. Like a few of these other commenters, I never thought of the Matrix that way. I’ve always looked at the scene of Neo’s choice as a choice between: 1)truth as subjective or 2) truth as absolute. i.e: Either believe whatever you want to believe or try to find the truth, whether you like it or not. Anyway, good observations!
A very wise person whom most Catholics know as the preacher to the papal household - Fr Raniero Cantalamessa - for more than 30 years up to the present, said - and wrote - this: Humility doesn’t principally consist in being little, because it is possible to be little without being humble; neither does it consist in feeling little because it is possible to feel little and really be so and this would be objectivity and not yet humility, not considering that an inferiority complex can be the cause of feeling small and can lead to a withdrawal into oneself and to despair rather than to humility. Therefore, humility, in itself, in its most perfect state, does not consist in being little or feeling little but in making oneself little! Perfect humility consists, therefore, in constantly making oneself small, not for the sake of some personal need or benefit, but for the sake of love, to “elevate” others. This is what the humilty of Jesus was like… “Though he was rich, for your sake he became poor, so that by his poverty you might become rich.” (2 Corinthians 8:9) ...God in fact, is not little; he does not feel little but he made himsef little and he did this out of love. Fr C. went on to say that accepting humiliation is part of humility because Jesus accepted humiliation in front of Pilate.
This truth has literally revolutionised my life, from a life of bitterness and vengefulness to understanding that my refusal to accept humiliation meant that I was insisting on being treated better than Jesus was treated. To call him my Lord, meant that I had to be willing to walk the same path that he walked and accept the same treatment from people of every rank, just as he did.
I love Philippians 3:5-11: “In your minds you must be the same as Christ Jesus. His state was divine, yet he did not cling to his equality with God but emptied himself to assume the condition of a slave, and became as men are; and being as all men are, he was humbler yet, even to accepting death, death on a cross. Therefore God raised him high and gave him the name which is above all other names so that all beings in the heavens, on earth and in the underworld, should bend the knee at the name of Jesus and that every tongue should acclaim Jesus Christ as Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” The word in this passage that I love the most is “Therefore.” It was precisely because Jesus humbled himself more than any other human being had ever done or ever would do, that God lifted him so high!
Do yourself a magnificent favour and read “Life in Christ” chapter 11, pp. 165-180, by Fr Raniero Cantalamessa. Your life will never be the same again.
That notion that our sins could be “quirky” or “endearing” is what I would call the Sandra Bullock heresy—any time I do something weird, thoughtless, or just plain sinful (with somewhat easy contrition after the fact), I think, “well, maybe I’m the Sandra Bullock character in this story! I keep screwing up, but it’s funny! I can be that person!”
Weeeell, maybe *I* can be endearingly annoying, but there’s no license to keep acting that way.
I agree with the core of the post, but I feel the analogies are forced. The Matrix is an science fiction movie aimed at a young audience and it showed some special effects that were unseen before at its time. I was impressed by the quality of the computer generated images. It had also some scenes shot using state of the art techniques so it was not 100% computer generated.
Anyway the idea of the movie was about the choice between being comfortable with a false but consistent view of the world or having a difficult life knowing the truth about the world. This being a future world where machines used humans as an energy source and providing them a simulated life without the possibility of real freedom. Of course, the movie has a new-agey taste and it is not based in a Christian worldview and you can find criticisms about this on the web if you google them. In fact, Neo is a savior and the heroine is named Trinity just to make a religious reference.
But in general the vision of the human character of the movie is positive despite the fact that world of the movie is a dystopia and that the notion of salvation is individualistic.
About Disney, I don’t have any strong opinion besides thinking that is a big corporation that has no interest in presenting any character that may be controversial. So you have a pure heroine (or hero) vs a super evil enemy. More modern films may have variations where the hero have some comic flaws, as well as the villain. For example, Aladdin is a hilarious take on the classic oriental tale where the good and the bad people were full of flaws.
I know that a good analogy have rhetorical and pedagogical utility, but in the case of explaining pride at its two extremes -self loathing and self infatuation- I don’t find the examples useful. But I admit that I have strong preconceptions about The Matrix and Disney. I fact I enjoyed The Matrix a lot and find some Disney stuff fun and uplifting.
St. Theresa (the spaniard nun and Dr. of the Church) said that to be humble is to go with the truth and some interpreters take it in the sense of your post. A funny take on the sin of pride was written by John Paul I when he was a bishop in a press article entitled “The funerals of my pride: to Mark Twain” in which he said that his pride would outlive him about 72 hours and it would have to be buried in a separate funeral.
Your observations of the Matrix are very interesting. I can see very clearly how you can draw those conclusions.
However, I have a completely different take on this film - which only goes to show that it is so very cleverly done that different viewers are able to take away different things from it. I believe this was intentional.
Allow me to put this in a different perspective:
* Neo is actually a Christ-like savior of the human race.
* The “Oracle” predicts his Messianic coming and is correct.
* He is called, “The One”.
* Some people choose to break free from the bondage they are in by living “in the world” (the Matrix), and instead accept true freedom which coincides with suffering.
* Those who have chosen to live outside “the world” and accept this suffering are called together to live in a place called Zion.
* Neo, of his own free will, accepts his choice to suffer (through his entire movie-mission) to bring salvation. (Granted it isn’t crucifixion)
* Neo ultimately brings salvation to the whole world and demonstrates that he is “The One” by bringing someone back from the dead - a character named, Trinity. In other words, by his suffering, he gives life to (the) Trinity and salvation to the whole world!
* There is doubt among the people, because he SEEMS so ordinary.
* He is betrayed by a Judas-like character who prefers to live “in bliss”. He specifically chooses pleasure, and money (a steak, etc.) - to live in the Matrix - over the Truth.
In the end I see this as a film of the triumph of good over evil, where the main message is that loves wins in the end, and that people who choose to live in the world of the Matrix are disappearing into a technology construct.
There is much more, but this gives a good idea of other ways one can get the opposite message from the film.
As for Disney - a nightmare with some redeeming qualities.
@Neo -Pssssst, your geek is showing.
As far as “geekness” and such is concerned, it’s well to remember that Tolstoy said that “Great literature inspires not an idea, but an infinity of ideas.” I’m always amazed at the ability of others to discern meanings I never thought of in works of art, or, as here, contemporary science fiction. For instance, I always saw the film “The Blade Runner” as an anti-slavery allegory, while others see that as totally far-fetched. To each his own, I guess.
Um…. guys. I am not a Geek. Excuse me, the term is “UBER GEEK!” :)
I’ve seen it several times and I think my “problem” is that I try to see the good in whatever I am looking at. So if you punched me in the face, I might think, “Hmmm. A fight. GOOD EXERCISE!”
Truth is, if it wasn’t for some great Kung Fu and action I would probably think, “meh - this movie is just about people assuming the worst of everyone.” Ha ha.
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself Less” - Timothy Keller
I think C.S. Lewis finds the next step, the middle ground of true humility, in his book “The Magician’s Nephew”:
“You are a son of Adam and a daughter of Eve. That is honor enough to raise the head of the poorest beggar and shame enough to crush the proudest king.”
Those are awesome quotes, Jim and Ryan!
There is a sort of reverse vanity in thinking oneself worse than anybody else who has walked the earth—“If we have to be fallen, then I’m going to be superlative at it.”
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