Do you wake up with a sore jaw from clenching your teeth all night?
Are you nervous, jittery, irritable and gloomy?
Do you roll around on the floor shrieking, "Argh, argh, argh, I just don't know what's WRONG with me" and end up missing the Summer Reading Program party at the library because you refused to acknowledge that any of the pants proffered you are actually your pants? Even the puppy pants?
If so, you are either (a) my three-year-old daughter, and you are beyond hope; or (b) like a large part of the American population: just a little bit stressed out.
It doesn't make you feel any better when you take a little break to go on Facebook, and learn that everyone else in the world is, like, bringing their twin nannies on vacation with them so the whole family can enjoy a ten-day, all-inclusive getaway in the sapphire lagoons of Fiji and environs, and here you are at home with sticky linoleum and a broken fan, Googling "top stale baloney recipe."
As usual, I am here to help. Here are ten easy tips for beating your stress without breaking the bank or committing any major felonies!
1. Treat yourself. Sometimes a small investment in a single, ingenious product can make your entire day feel effortless. Even if you think you can't afford it, find a way to build it into your budget. The investment you make will be paid back tenfold in peace of mind. Consider, for instance, this incredibly versatile product:
(warning: this video may offend some viewers through its use of the "sh" word, the "cr" word, and a really distressing Boston accent)
2. Tweak your wardrobe. Even a single, carefully-chosen item of clothing can be enough to add a spring to your step, a twinkle to your eye, and a . . . well, just look for yourself:
3. Laughter is the best medicine! For some of the best practical jokes ever conceived, check out this brilliant list of ideas.
For the second best list practical jokes ever conceived, Google "accomplishments of Idi Amin."
4. Knock something off your bucket list, like I did last night, when I took a potato, wrapped it in tinfoil, and left it in the embers of the campfire overnight. In the morning, I took it out of the tinfoil, and sure enough, what was once an unbaked potato was now a baked potato.
Okay, fine, I don't know why I thought that would actually be any fun. I just wanted to try it, and guess what? We got a baked potato this morning. A black, wet, wrinkled, hollow baked potato with a bug on it. And that has made all the difference.
5. Be flexible. Or, be weak. Whatever you want to call it, just go ahead and order a Bug-A-Salt so you don't have to hear about it anymore. As an bonus, spraying salt all over the house will distract your children from spraying -- uh, whatever that is that they usually spray all over the house. I refuse to admit that I know what they've been spraying. I will admit, though, that there have been far fewer battles over territory lately.
6. Get the heck out of San Francisco. Seriously.
7. Gratitude is the attitude. Repeat the following mantra to yourself: "I don't even know who Roseann Barr is." This may or may not be true, but even just the sound of it coming from your lips ought to make you feel better.
8. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you! Your sleeping brain is a treasure trove of untapped intelligence for living. For instance, the other day, my daughter dreamt that she was in a supermarket and saw a display for a new kind of Pringles: "Robin Hood's Greasy Mustache Flavor." Then a bunch of apples rolled by, and I told her, "You know, apples are like people in New York. All of them are different, and they all smell bad."
In this case, her subconscious is telling her, "You are a weirdo."
9. Be bold. On your social media platform of choice, express a strong opinion about the efficacy of the whooping cough vaccine. Then pour yourself some iced tea, kick back, and let the waves of west and wewaxation start wolling in.
10. Argh, argh, argh, it's not working.
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My son emptied our linen closet as I read this. I’m going to go with #10.
Hilarious. Especially the prank list. That has some really funny (if nasty) comments on it. (Why does it seem “nasty” and “really funny” are two sides of the same coin for me? I should bring that up with my priest.) God bless content farms.
Speaking of spraying…at least your kids don’t do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEUWUg5ukZU&feature=related (it’s nothing obscene but, warning to rhinophobes, it does involve a rhino)
My teenagers know that if I’m sitting in my recliner using my laptop ...laughing out loud with tears streaming down my face ... it must be Simcha. Thank you for this Friday funny. ;)
Oh gosh, those pants…!!! Or better yet, the uncomfortable close-ups of backsides. Or wait, was it the music that really tickled me??? :D *shaking my head* Thanks for the laugh!
That paper towel infomercial just made my day.
11. Be glad you are not in San Francisco. Very. I’ll never forget the day my wife and I rushed across the street towards the SF science center with our five kids in tow. As we approached the entrance, what we thought was a pile of rags on the bench soon rolled over to urinate just a few feet away from us as we made haste into the building. Oblivious to anyone around him he fully exposing his unsightly, uncircumcised self to my unsuspecting family then turned back over under his rags. Back to sleep. There were other similar experiences in SF but that set the tone.
That video of the pants made me scowl through my horrible beard.
Also, as an aspiring-sort-of-environmentalist with a crazy husband (we compost our own crap!) I found the purchase and use of paper towels to be liberating. I actually clean a lot more!
.....Well, more than before, not a lot, but they help anyway.
We were going to go to San Francisco this summer. Until I did a hotel search (hotels.com or expedia, I forgot), put in my wife and I and three kids under “number of guests” and 80% of the search results came back “number of children exceeded”. The irony.
Would you pleazzzzzz wear winkers somewhere highly inappropriate, and then let us live vicariously through your observations?
San Francisco exemplifies what happens to human beings when there is no “tough love”. Where else can you be an adult Peter Pan, that never wants to grow up? The city counsel came to it’s senses when they modified the legality of public nudity: One must carry about a washcloth (paper towel!) when sitting in public. Imagine what would have happened if you weren’t a fervent potty trainer, that allowed your kid to run around naked, diddling the dingle dangle? San Francisco!
I just did #7… and it’s weird, I had a slight, strange sensation of happiness wash over my heart.
@Andrew: I have had the same thing happen when trying to get hotel reservations through a big discount site. What I did was call the actual hotel and ask them what I should do. They will tell you if they have a policy for add-on children fees or not, and one time the hotel proprietor just booked it for me over the phone, at the rate given on Expedia (or whatever it was). Of course I always follow up any phone calls with something in writing over email to confirm what we discussed, so get the email address for whomever you talk to.
@Andrew: Yes, that’s pretty much how the city feels about breeders. You should hear the comments my wife gets when she goes shopping with our four kids.
That second video! I think I’ll swear off wearing pants forever.
I have been drowning in oodles of self-induced stress because I always pick July to do our home repairs and remodels. And when I say “I” I mean I - it’s what I get for marrying a philosopher. I see now why most contractors have “potty mouth” or are chain smokers. I told my husband I am almost done with my list and will return to my normal sweet self in August (just in time to work on lesson plans).
Listening to the Pixies while reading through the first full paragraph was one of the strangest twilight tinged synchronicities experienced tonight.
When our children were little and we needed to reserve a hotel/motel room for the night, I just lied about how many kids I had when I made the reservation. After checking in, we carried our sleeping bags in and covered the floors. They have to limit the number in a room because of the fire marshal; I don’t have to live by every rule made by government.
I don’t think that lie will significantly extend my stay in purgatory.
Frank
I think this is a stress buster for me: Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.—got it from my dad, RIP. I find that if I wash my hands as often as I can at work and wipe things down with anti-bacterial wipes as often as I can, at work, my neck tightens up.
PAPERTOWELS!!! Awesome. :D
Also, SF not a good place. No consequences for bad behavior by homeless (or others?) there. Never once saw a cop in and around Union Square when I was there 2 years ago, but the homeless were out in force. One guy got right in my face and demanded money. Scared the heck out of me.
I googled “top stale baloney recipe” and you were the first hit!
I am much less stressed now! ;-)
That limit on the number of children in a motel room situation was one reason we did a lot of camping when the kids were young.
As usual you had me laughing out loud. I agree with all of them but #6. We rarely get to SF(out of choice)but when we do our family is a walking side show with 5 little ones 9 and under. The funny thing is compared to a lot of our friends we are a relatively small family. With all of the stares and side comments you get in SF with a large family it actually makes me proud and I walk a little taller when I am in the city. Living in a suburb of SF and being a very proud, devout, traditional Catholic family you have to have a thick skin. I have learned to defend my values, faith and family in such a strong way due to the majority of disapproval in the entire greater SF Bay Area. I do not think I would have that lesson if I was in a more conservative area of the country.
Though please don’t get me wrong SF is really, I mean really nutty. :)
In truth, I do not know who Roseann Barr is. At this moment, I am trying to decide whether or not I want to find out. I did notice her name flash by on my social media platform of choice this past week.
I think this writer missed her calling as a reality TV script writer. It sure isn’t Catholic.
@that hat lady- you know what’s not Catholic? Your seemingly bottomless lack of charity. Also, hats. Hats aren’t Catholic. Name one Catholic hat!
This was the best thing I have read in a very long time! I laughed till I cried,it’s hard to read tho,when tears are streaming down your face! The paper towel video was priceless!!! I promptly e-mailed article to my sister with warnings,thanks for many great reads. Loved the one about the games your kids play,lol.
Francis Ruffing,
I’m guilty, too.We just couldn’t afford to pay for 2 motel rooms.
@Josh - I feel sure the Pope’s hat is Catholic. Maybe that’s her style.
But anyway, I like reading the random internet findings of a Catholic mom with a lot of Catholic kids. I guess others just prefer their Catholicism to beat them in the face.
@Julie - Nope. The Pope’s miter has lappets. Lappets are hat pants. Pants =/= Catholic; cf. S. Fisher(2010-2012).
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Uf0LwaR20H0/S2ik258BbZI/AAAAAAAAA0c/0NrkBG4fNNA/s320/Benedict_hexagram_miter.jpg
The point stands.
Okay, this was hilarious, but I have to throw out this site for those complaining about hotel rooms. It has helped us soooo much:
http://sixsuitcasetravel.com/bigfamilytravel/
PS- my clarity image says “seem 18.” If only I did…
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