Here is a nice little explanation of what a Catholic wedding looks like, compared to what you might see on TV. No one “gives the bride away,” for instance, because a valid marriage requires that the bride and groom freely give themselves. Likewise, the priest does not pronounce the couple man and wife, because his function is as a witness: The ministers of the sacrament are the man and woman themselves.
For another perspective on what the typical Catholic wedding actually looks like, you might check out this post by Reverend Know-it-all, recently revived by Fr. Z.
My own wedding, almost 14 years ago, was somewhere in between the one described in the first article and the circuses in the second. Everyone had the best intentions, but it was perhaps not the most meticulously-planned ceremony known to Christendom. The priest, for instance, referred to me as “Simminy” throughout the ceremony. (To my husband: I checked, and it’s still all valid. So put that suitcase down.)
For another thing, I had to give my little brother strict instructions not to squeeze the ring-bearer’s pillow too hard as he carried it up the aisle. This is because I had forgotten until the night before that we’d be needing a ring-bearer’s pillow, and although the one I made looked lovely, it was held together with packing tape. Crackle crackle!
During the sermon, the priest wanted me to list the priorities of a married woman. At one point I nervously blurted “Parents?” Which was silly enough, but everyone thought I said “pets.” Seriously, who quizzes the bride? Sheesh.
But the low point of the ceremony was the Unity Candle. I know, I know—you’re not supposed to have a Unity Candle. It’s tacky and newfangled, a superfluous gesture in a sacrament that already expresses unity quite nicely. We didn’t so much plan the ceremony as get swept along by it, though—so I was as surprised as anyone else to find myself next to my new husband (who is a good foot taller than I) with a taper in my hand, trying to light the stupid thing.
The idea was that we each had a little flame, and were supposed to reach up and join our little flames together in one big flame, and then that would be Unity, like marriage is unity, plus love. Or something.
What actually happened was that my husband reached up and lit his part of the candle, no problem. I, on the other hand, was too short even in heels to even see where the wick was. So I fiddled around for a bit, then pulled my taper down to see if I had done it.
It had gone out.
So I tried to relight it from the Unity Candle, but it wouldn’t go. I whispered to my husband, “My candle went out!” At this point in the ceremony, we had been standing up there for a suspiciously long time, and people were beginning to cough and stir in their seats a bit, maybe thinking about all that delicious deli meat and pasta salad waiting uneaten in the church basement below. And so my resourceful husband whispered back to me, “JUST FAKE IT!”
And that is what I did. Giggling spastically and making the most unbridelike snorting noises through my nose, I twitched my candle around over my head until I figured it might as well be lit. And we slunk back to our seats.
As it turned out, that little gaffe was actually the best possible symbol for our marriage, inauspicious and embarrassing though it was: If it’s not working out the way you hoped, JUST FAKE IT. Every little detail isn’t important. There are plenty of other candles, so just keep the show moving. The guests were cheerful and hungry, the music played, we had some cake and then zipped away for our little honeymoon.
The next morning, we attended Sunday Mass in a little church we’d never been to before. Nobody knew our names, or that we had been husband and wife for less than 24 hours. I don’t know why, but the priest went straight over to us and asked if we’d like to bring up the gifts.
And this second sacrament in that quiet, sunny church was the simple, grace-filled moment that we had missed at our actual wedding. We brought up the bread and wine together and went back to our seats, full of joy, ready to begin our strange and wonderful journey toward unity.
New couples, listen to me: If your candle goes out, all is not lost. Unity is a long, long lesson that takes practice, patience, and most of all TIME. It doesn’t happen in a moment. Sometimes, it’s okay to fake it. A moment’s symbolism is nothing compared to what’s in your heart. You are the ministers of the sacrament—not just at the wedding, but every day of your married life.
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:) He is BIG on that priorities list: God, spouse, children, job, other family, friends, hobbies…did I miss one? I couldn’t think of what came right after “job” when he asked me. Didn’t go over well with extended family. LOL. I admit, however, that the list comes in handy when I need hubby to let go of his workaholism now and then. :) “God, then ME, buddy!”
Beautiful post, Simcha! And I laughed out loud over the Reverend-Know-It-All link. My daughter loves to watch those wedding dress shows on TLC, and they offer many opportunities for us to lament.
I personally tried to K.I.S.S. for our Catholic wedding. I skipped the Unity Candle after seeing three out of every four couples struggle with lighting the damn thing. When my flower girl’s dress got lost in the mail, I only cared that her mother got her money back and we picked up a cheaper one at Sears. My personalized napkins were also lost (UPS must have been having a rough couple months). Oh, well…
The only tricky thing was convincing the cantor to sink Bob Dylan’s “Covenant Woman” before the ceremony (my husband was a non-Catholic Christian and HUGE Dylan fan at the time and that was his one and only request).
The best compliment I got was from a non-Catholic friend of my mother’s who I didn’t really know. Ours was the second wedding she attended that day. She commented that the first one had been a circus, but ours had been a real wedding.
This is a hoot.
Our 35th anniversary is June 6. Yeah, a post-hippie Catholic wedding. My wife-to-be bought me a nice powder blue suit that made me look like a refugee from a disco. Her dress and her hat,though, were so much “her”..beautiful in all ways.
The wedding was pretty informal, heck, VERY informaal-no wedding party, just the matron of honor and my best man,whose own wedding ceremony was diametrically opposite of ours. “Glory and Praise”, all the way. Being in broadcasting, I had a couple of my colleagues do the readings, and it sounded like either a newscast or a commercial.
And, we had known each other only 6 months when we got married. I asked her to marry me on our first date and she said yes. It was a “whirlwind” courtship, for sure.
So, here we are, 35 years later, a lot of fun, a dose of sadness here and there, one surviving son who is an amazing young man. We’ve kept it simple, and direct, and I’m ready to work on the next 35.
My mom tried to talk us into having a unity candle, thankfully we had a wonderful, very traditional priest who assured us that the unity candle was discouraged at our parish, as well as the flowers to Mary that seemed to be all the rage the year we got married. I was also grateful that our church prohibited any music other than the church hymns, which meant my mom couldn’t bribe the music minister to play Wagner’s Bridal March, which always sets my teeth on edge.
..
I really liked what Reverend Know It All had to say about photographers. I went to one Catholic wedding that was seemingly bare bones—held in a very small chapel on a Jesuit college campus, but there were so many photographers and videographers and boom lights during the ceremony that it felt like a Hollywood movie set. We were lucky enough to find a friend who was a wonderful amateur photographer, even developing his own film in his basement. He did our photos free as a wedding gift, and was respectful about not taking photos during the ceremony (for the most part—he did sneak in a couple of fantastic candid shots of my husband and I, and one is my favorite wedding photo). My mother was mortified that a) we weren’t paying for photos—-she kept saying “I’LL pay for it!” and b) that our photos were in black and white, “Why did we bother having green as your color in the first place then?” Oh well.
Ah, the unity candle! I avoided this because I knew from sacristan friends that it wasn’t really a Catholic thing, and I’m all about not doing things I’ll later think were contrived. I still regret not reminding my sisters to *please* straighten out my train and veil for the ceremony. Seriously, I did this perfectly at my sister’s wedding, and mine is askance in every photo.
My favorite picture is one a friend snapped between real photos, when Fierce and I are laughing and enjoying things for a second. My family was so mean-spirited the day of my wedding that it was hard to find carefree moments like that.
Best idea: paying $300 to fly in a priest friend of mine with a beautiful tenor voice to boot out the $200 warbler the church was trying to require. Um, no. I don’t like listening to the falsetto on Sundays, and I didn’t want my favorite hymns ruined by it on my wedding day.
lettersto.us
Awesome post; what a great truth to be found in such an awkward moment! :) I’ve heard many people say that the wedding itself (besides the actual Sacrament part) is less important than the marriage, but our society seems to forget that all too easily. Then, when things get tough and reality doesn’t match the rosy image they had in their heads, they panic and want to ditch the whole thing.
A couple years ago, I was going through a rough break-up, and a friend of mine, in all her wisdom, said “Basically, a breakup is like a long term acting gig. You act broken up long before you feel broken up. You pretend that you’re not interested, that you’re doing fine thank you very much, that you’re moving on and gradually over time the role becomes the reality. I have a theory that about 90% of all human interaction fits in this category of faking it til it’s true.”
I was reminded of her words while reading your post, because it seems that our world expects marriage and love to make things easy, and when problems inevitably crop up, they let them destroy the whole thing. Sometimes, you just gotta fake it through until the lovey-feeling comes back. In Croatia, there’s a marriage tradition where the priest tells engaged couples, “You have found your cross. And it is a cross to be loved, to be carried, a cross not to be thrown away, but to be cherished.” :)
I love it!
Our wedding was about as low-budget an affair as possible back in the day. I didn’t really care, and Sean would have been happier getting married in jeans and a t-shirt. (We made him wear a tux.) Nope, the nuptial mass was the big deal. I think we were even blessed enough not to have to worry much about who was going to accidentally receive their First Communion that day.
And yes, we had a unity candle. And, we brought roses to the Marian altar and to our moms. And, we had songs composed by Schutte, Landry and Haas to boot. Oh dear, SCANDAL!!! No. Wait. “Canticle of the Sun,” “Hail Mary, Gentle Woman,” and “You are Near” are just fine, thank you very much. Just saying—I chose those songs because they have meaning, aren’t cliche (or at least they weren’t twenty-one years ago), and contributed to the liturgy. And our secular nod before Mass was “Sunrise, Sunset,” from “Fiddler on the Roof.”
One of the happiest days of our lives—and not because of the fairy tale. Because of the reality. :)
(my security word thingy is “bring37.” Thirty-seven WHAT? And do I even HAVE that many of them?)
Did you write this post JUST FOR ME??? Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage (we survived a pasta salad reception in the church basement as well)...and we are in the throws of helping parishioners plan a blow-out wedding with all the trimmings for this Saturday.
I’m getting my hair and nauls done for this one- didn’t have the $ to do that for my own wedding
We had the unity candle too, sprung on me at the last minute. I couldn’t get my stupid candle out of its holder and I ended up spilling hot wax all over my hand and said a very, very bad word out of sheer nervousness and pain. I suppose it’s funny now, and people still laugh about it, but I hate that memory and I hate unity candles. I think our wedding was kind of dumb, now that I look back, but maybe that’s how it is. Dumb wedding, smart marriage.
I love it!
We were married 26 years ago in September…and…my candle also went out. The priest who con-celebrated lit it after we walked away.
@Julie - couldn’t agree more with your witty “dumb wedding, smart marriage”. My wedding ceremony (planned by my sister-in-law) is so full of mistakes (my dress!), misunderstandings (vows and that unity candle) and more (reception in my brother’s house w/ a friend playing the piano) that we do not have a single photo of that miserable day out for viewing. The highlight of our ceremony? While waiting in the vestibule, my dh’s brothers offered him the plane schedule and cash to ‘get out of this before it is too late’. Seriously.
They were justifiably concerned. After all, we were a mere 19 (hubby) and 21 (me) when we told them God “wanted us to get married”. We survived our first year out of sheer stubbornness to prove our parents and family were wrong when they insisted we were too young (or too stupid).
But God is amazingly committed to sacramental marriages and we have surpassed everyone’s expectations. We can count 28 years, 11 children and 2 religious vocations so far. Along the way, we have also included two very good marriage retreats and, at one point, 6 months of great Catholic counseling when things got really bad. We point to God when we get a chance to tell our story - He can truly works the best of miracles out of the worst decisions (my dress!!!).
We went to a Church we had never been to on the morning after our wedding, too. It happened to be First Communion and they invited us to the reception and congratulated us. I felt a little silly. The party was in honor of some 2nd graders we didn’t know, after all.
The ceremony as well as the day went off well, because we had our hearts in the right place: God first, then my spouse. My dad did “give me away,” in a manner of speaking- he escorted me to the steps of the sanctuary and the priest asked “Who brings this woman to be married?” and he responded “Her mother and I.” My parish is pretty traditional, but that is the way we were told it is done.
@Rachel - Whew! Mine wasn’t that bad. Just kind of silly. But I definitely relate to the stubbornness. I was determined to prove everyone wrong and spite them and mock them and laugh at them for being so trite and judgmental, but then I kind of fell in love with my husband and didn’t give it any more thought. Now I can’t even remember who thought what at the time and wouldn’t care anyway. God seems amazingly committed to non-sacramental marriage too, especially when two pathetic kids just want to do the right thing by each other. I don’t know why God spared us from bitterness and resentment when so many others aren’t, but He did and I’m thankful.
For our vows my husband arranged that he would hold a crucifix in his right hand that was very special to him, then I would hold his hand with my right hand, then the priest wrapped our two hands in his stole as we pronounce the words. This is tradtitional, and I do think the symbolism is lovely. Only, I’ve never been good with left and right, and didn’t realize til our hands were wrapped that I had my left in there.
When things are not going well, I like to claim the whole thing was invalid.
We were married by the good Rev. Know-It-All. He is one of my favorite memories of that day. Love all these wedding stories! I have plenty, not least of which is the fact that since I am not Catholic we got away with a lot of things I now regret. Looking back now I would most definitely go more traditional. But we’re still together, so I guess that counts for something!
“If your candle goes out, all is not lost. Unity is a long, long lesson that takes practice, patience, and most of all TIME”
Never truer words spoken. I was told: when the going gets rough, fake it till you make it. Even if you believe divorce is an option (I don’t but some do), put it on hold for 6 months or a year then reassess. Things have usually looked up in that time. Just hold on.
Dear Simcha,
Thanks, and a big “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
In the most beautiful and most Catholic wedding I have seen the bride and groom foreswore costumery and insane expenditures; he bought a new suit and the bride wore a pale yellow dress and in her hair flowers from the fields of the family farm. Delightful! With the money thus saved the parents of the b & g sent them on a honeymoon / pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella.
Well, no one else has said it, so: I Am Offended.
I have to admit that the first reaction I had when I learned that the Unity Candle was “highly discouraged” was: WOO HOO! Ditto, Wagner’s “Wedding March” from Lohengrin: don’t like it. What? The Catholic Church highly discourages that, too? Yay!
I actually liked the Unity candle. I think it was really nice for our mothers to have a role, I know my mom in particular liked it. But of course, we had no problems with ours, maybe I wouldn’t look back so fondly if my taper had gone out.
Our wedding day went off pretty well, a few small snags here and there but nothing that wasn’t fixable. And in the end, we were MARRIED and that was the important thing. We were blessed enough to realize that preparing for the marriage was the most important part.
Colet: mwahahah. Made my night.
My pastor is generally traditional, no-nonsense priest but he insists on the unity candle. I hate to say it but if God ever graces me with a husband I hope he doesn’t do the ceremony because I don’t want the unity candle. Simple is good. My parents were married bright and early on a Saturday Morning. They walked to her Mother’s house after the ceremony for the reception. The food was prepared by friends. They rolled up the rug for dancing to records. They even unwrapped their wedding gifts there with everyone around. It was a small, mainly only family event but isn’t that what marriage is? A joining of two families to launch the beginning of a new one? Their marriage wasn’t a great romance ever. In fact my Dad proposed the first night he met my Mom and she laughed in his face. It did last almost 52 years until my Dad died.
It’s only been 13 years, but I can’t remember whether we had a candle or not. It doesn’t stand out—what does stand out is my bridesmaids not straightening my train (I’m petty), and the really good hymns sung by the guests in church—the priest was amazed we did not hire a singer, and insisted “no one would sing.” Most everyone sang—my husband is a Lutheran—and it was awesome. And no Lohengrin.
Why is everyone bashing the flowers to Mary?
While the unity candle is doesn’t fit liturgically and seems like more of a trend… offering flowers and praying before the Blessed Mother seems so much appropriate. I’ve always heard it explained that the couple is asking Our Lady to intercede for their marriage. I’ve seen very many couples do that at extremely conservative parishes (usually the Ave Maria is sung while they kneel before the statue of Our Lady) and I think it is a very beautiful devotion.
What’s wrong with it???
cathy- I agree with you- but flowers to Mary isn’t in the actual rubrics of the marriage, so some people would say it is some new-fangled thing. I like it.
About super simple weddings—- If you have (or ‘must’ have) 100+ people at the wedding…it is time to save up all your pennies and pay for professional cooks and servers. On Saturday, I will be ‘in’ the wedding of 2 of our parishioners (she is the main cantor- he is the main acolyte)- the party will be at the big church hall. They are spending big bucks for the photographer and the folk singer/d.j. All the other labor is being done by family and friends. There will be three sit-down meals throughout the night for 130 people. And no professional catering….imagine that…..and for some INSANE reason, the cake will be delivered DURING the reception at 8 in the evening so everybody can sing to the entrance of the cake. We are in a major urban area. I imagine I might have to run to a grocery store to buy cakes after the actual wedding cake doesn’t make it. Stay tuned for a post on Monday.
Priest’s wife- that’s insane. There are so, so many things that could go wrong (beside your family and friends being very resentful).
We were Anglican when we were married, and insisted on the traditional vows, traditional service, and hymns. No candles, no homemade vows. We went cheap- we paid for a friend of my Mum’s to cater, I made my dress and veil, a friend did the photography, another friend did the music, we got a cake from the local grocery store. It was really lovely and low-stress.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and the Catholic church that we got married in didn’t allow unity candles at all. It was still a fabulously beautiful ceremony. I went through RCIA the following year, so I didn’t get to partake of Communion until then.
I couldn’t get the unity candle lit. I don’t remember knowing it wasn’t a correct Catholic thing to do, but I do remember superstitious worries about what kind of an omen it was that our unity seemed to be in trouble from the first moment. And then instead of “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad,” my husband messed up and said he promised to be good to me in true times and in false, or something, and I remember worrying about that, too. I’m so happy to be an old married woman who would never worry about any of that kind of stuff for a second.
Oh Simcha, I needed this! My fiance and I are getting married in 23 days and I just want the wedding to be over. I just want to be MARRIED. Not “weddinged” so I haven’t been all that attentive to details…or dates, or times of anything important. Which means that in the past two weeks I’ve had a panic attack and a nightmare that something horrible is going to happen, like the wedding won’t be a holy moment, or my husband will look at me and confess that he is actually gay and this is just his cover-up.
Kayla-good luck to you guys.
Memo from an oldster(35 years this coming Monday)....
There’s the difference between the WEDDING and MARRIAGE.
Get out there, tiger!
See - now no one’s mad…nice!
Ah hah! What a neat post. My degree is liturgical music and I have been a Director of Music at our parish for 4 years now. . . Oh the fun I have. :D
First, we have to be careful thinking conservative/traditional and newfangled/not catholic. I’m referring to people whole heartedly objecting to the unity candle then clinging for dear life to the Mary/Joseph praying. One is not more catholic than the other. It is hard for me to say that. I have my biases, but the study of liturgy and church history as well as a good faithful catholic pastor that I work with that celebrated 50 years has taught me a lot about judging things that “seem” more catholic.
Neither the unity candle or the prayers to mary are in the rubrics. They are not liturgical. Referring to the marian prayers, yes, they are beautiful, but they are private devotions. As hard as it is for some people to take in, private devotions are not appropriate for liturgy. Take this, some people do the marian thing. Some people do it for Mary and Joseph (got to be fair), what if people kept praying to their patron saints, or each saint in the side chapel. This is why the church has had to keep getting back to basics in liturgy. Very often the private devotions, while beautiful, crept in, and didn’t fit the purpose.
Basically, “liturgy” means “work of the people.” It doesn’t work to make it a show, even if it is your wedding. And sitting there having people watch you pray, though a beautiful gesture, doesn’t fit in with the purpose of the wedding or liturgy. We can’t add things in just because “they’re nice” or “they’re good.” There’s a reason we have rubrics. Otherwise liturgy would fit personal tastes.
Sorry if this is long. It’s super late and the only time i can binge onthe internet without my toddler. ;)
Wasn’t meaning to put anyone down, just to clarify some things expressed above.
Also wanted to add that the preferred form of wedding is one that takes place during the Sunday liturgy!! (Horrors!) Sacraments are expressed in community (baptism,communion, holy orders, even confession is celebrated at a printed time). At the very least, people should realize that any wedding is open to anyone to witness, and the parish should be invited and encouraged to be there!
@Emily:
That’s awesome about the Sunday Liturgy. I always thought it would be really fun to not tell my parents what day I was getting married, and have it done during a regular Sunday morning Mass. Romantic, fun, and a surprise! I just never thought it was possible.
Emily,
I appreciate your comments about not letting the liturgy become a “show,” but I’d be interested to know your souce for saying that “the preferred form of wedding is one that takes place during the Sunday liturgy!!” (I, too, have a degree in liturgical music but don’t recall coming across anything like this.) It doesn’t seem preferred since the Roman Missal includes a nuptial mass which could not be used on a Sunday, not to mention the fact that some churches have many more weddings than could be reasonably accomadated on Sundays. I have heard of the trend of celebrating baptisms during the Sunday mass, but weddings seem even more impractical.
Our parish priest was recently asked to allow a “Unity Sand” ceremony. I kid you not. The bride pours pink sand, the groom pours blue sand; they end up with a jar of purple sand. He said no. Later, he (whimsically) thought perhaps he should have allowed it…with the stipulation that, should the couple ever wish to divorce, they first have to separate the sand.
M.K.:
I think as long as they had to use tweezers it would have the effect he was thinking of. No technology allowed. ;-)
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