I tend to view mothering, including my own, as a set of behaviors, rather than a gooey feeling about it (which I don’t usually have).  Mothering is taking care of people, and women notice the small things that need fixed or helped or smoothed out, more than men do, stereotypically and ime, anyway.  I have a spiritual mom who has mothered me far more thoroughly than my biological mom was ever able to, may she rest in peace, even though this dear woman has no biological children.  Her mothering of me comes through clearly as a benefit to my own children, who have even been able to articulate that.  “She takes care of you so that you can take care of us.”  I guess I don’t really have a unique term for that, but “saint” seems to work pretty well :)

I don’t think my so-called “maternal” self, instincts and drive-to-defend-the-offspring and whatnot, kicked in until my third child was born.  I used to joke (mostly to myself) that I had an oxytocin uptake disorder. 

No clue what made the difference.

I am, however, very comfortable with the idea that all women are called to be spiritual mothers.  But then, I couldn’t possibly have managed to be Catholic unless I clearly understood from the beginning that you don’t get to quit just because you don’t have the right feelings.

I don’t know if I would describe the feeling as “motherly” as such, but it’s definitely a nurturing, service-oriented sort of a thing. I’m pregnant with my first after years of infertility problems, during parts of which I more or less thought I would never have children, so I can’t really speak to actual maternal feelings. But I am a nurse and for me nursing is definitely a calling/vocation/charism that specifically suits me as a woman. I have to add that I do not live or work in the US, and nursing here is not as technical/mini-doctor-ish as one gets the impression it is in the States (and we have far fewer male nurses). It’s not as respected in the general population, either - mostly we’re seen as people who hand out pills and change adult diapers.

Not to say that I don’t have moments where I think - if you touch that call button one more time without a good reason I’m going to break all your fingers - but for the most part I love my job and am very mindful of the service/support aspect of it. I am much happier nursing than I was when I had office/academic jobs. I don’t consider myself having always been the motherly type, but nursing definitely let this aspect of my personality/personhood come out in a way that is very satisfying and completing for me.

I come from a huge family and never wanted to have one of my own.  God had different plans for me and I ended up with four children.  To me it’s big enough.  I always wanted to be a mother in the abstract sense.  I wanted to have a home and make dinner and drive my kids around to their activities.  I never anticipated how hard it was going to be.  I used to think that if you told a kid to “chew with his mouth closed” once, that child would comply.  Not anymore.  I’m not sure what “spiritual motherhood” means, but I do know that my children love hanging out with my sister in law who has no children of her own.  I think she’s nicer to them than I can be at times.  Maybe “spiritual mothers” have more patience than real mothers.

Not everyone who is called “mama” has given gestated, given birth or lactated.

Pondering this topic this morning after having spent last evening with all four of my grandchildren (two infants and two toddlers.) I have had seven children, now these four grands, and I still don’t “feel” like a natural mother. I was complaining this morning to my husband that I really didn’t do the baby thing. Of course he laughed.
I think it is true for many of us that the feelings follow the actions - in mothering and in many other things. I know several women who have no children of their own who are very maternal, and women (like myself) who are mothers but not necessarily stereotypical mamas.

I think your feelings regarding “Feminine Genius” are irrelevant. Maybe you should try to *understand* what he meant - that would be the properly Catholic thing to do.

Really, I’d think that anyone who had a proper grasp of our Catholic faith would understand that feelings certainly don’t take precedence over thought. The way you write, it sounds as if it’s all about feelings.

Do I “feel” like a father most of the time? No. That has absolutely no bearing on whether I am actually a father, in a physical or spiritual sense, to my own children or others.

I think you should figure out what your psychological issues are and fix them rather than airing them out to the world.

As the oldest of six, I’ve always felt motherly. I tell everybody what to do, and they listen. That’s a Mom’s job, right?

We weren’t able to have children (and adoption didn’t seem to be a viable option for us), and this has been an ongoing question for me. I don’t tend naturally to be a nurturing person, so I’ve never really been able to figure out how spiritual motherhood (or spiritual parenthood for us as a couple) was supposed to work for me.

It used to frustrate me (until I gave up on worrying about it) that there was so little discussion in Catholic circles of the role of marriage when there were no children.

I have a head cold, too, so this may not make as much sense to you all as it does to me. I met a girl in college whose mother had died when she was in high school. When I went to visit her home it was a place with a heart-sized emptiness where people ate and slept. That explained so much to me about the role of mothering and that (and college womyn’s studies classes) scared me off of mothering until my 30s. Too big a job for the likes of me! It did make me admire the office of motherhood, despite what I’d learned in school about having to be oppressed in order to pull it off. I realized later that mothering happens—like life—in varying degrees. Some of us are more adept at it than others, like most talents, but it seems to be universal. We women tend to mother, even when we’re not biologically mothers. Thank God for that, I say!

I suppose anyone who has ever experienced a feminine genius knows what John Paul II was talking about and I suspect he experienced one himself considering ho he turned out

@JF:  My psychological issues are that my psyche has been permanently damaged by people who don’t read carefully.

I don’t have children and, at the ripe old age of 26, I don’t really want any (yet).  I’m not a particularly sympathetic or nurturing person (some might say “nice”) either, so that’s probably a good thing.  Though I do confess myself guilty of mothering my priest, whose parents died years ago and is an only child.  I guess I feel bad that it’s just him with virtually no family at all.  His entire office staff is all women, so I know he gets plenty of looking after, but it’s never seemed to stop me.

I think you should figure out what your psychological issues are and fix them rather than airing them out to the world.

I think you should figure out whether you are competent to offer psychoanalysis via cable modem rather than offering unsought diagnoses to strangers.

First, @JF.  Psychological issues?  Really?  Not seeing any here, at least none that are needing immediate fixing.

Simcha, I agree with you that I don’t like “spiritual motherhood” and that the phrase needs to be updated.  After hearing from a lot of women who WANT to be moms and can’t be for one reason or another how hurtful that phrase can be, I’m very wary of using it, as much as I agree with the idea.

And I don’t think the “feminine genius” captures it either. 

Of course, you will get people who would argue now that “mothering” isn’t “feminine” or peculiar to women.  Look at all the homosexual couples who can “mother” just fine! 

I’m at a loss to name it.  Perhaps just “mothering” would be good.

(And I’m frightened by my captcha.  “boys58”?!  Is this some awful foretelling of my future?!

I wonder if our perceptions of what it is to be a mother are the problem for some. Growing up, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I was attracted to many aspects of mothering and couldn’t wait to have my own children. Then I did have my own children and it certainly didn’t start out the way I had imagined. My first-born’s temperament was such that I had almost NONE of the motherly feelings and experiences I had wanted and expected. As he grew and I cared for him, I discovered that motherhood was a much larger thing than my perceptions. I think the call to motherhood, spiritual or otherwise, is nothing different than the call to love one another as applied to women and the relationship they have with those who are smaller than themselves. As our family has grown, I have experienced some of the feelings of motherhood I wanted, but I also know now that this isn’t all there is to it. I’ve found, too, that as I’ve grown to appreciate (and get better at) some of the more challenging aspects of motherhood, I find myself “mothering” the kids in the neighborhood, at the playground etc… Not with kissing their boo-boos or singing to them, but by acting as an authority with their best interests at heart.

@JF: I hope you’ve calmed down by now—Simcha’s joke is not worthy of that level of anger. Perhaps you could channel it into a brief and helpful elucidation of the concept?
@Simcha: I know you know this and were only joking, but let me clear up for any readers not familiar with the term “genius,” who may have gotten confused by your humorous double entendre:
“genius” refers only secondarily to a *person*, as in “a person endowed with transcendent mental superiority”
The primary meaning of genius is “a distinctive or identifying character or spirit”
So, the idea of there being a “feminine genius” is that there are, in general, feminine qualities and abilities that are women tend to have. Not that all women are the same, but that there are tendencies worth noting.
Sorry if this sounds condescending, but I’ve run across many intelligent people who at first think “feminine genius” refers to particular people being “feminine geniuses,” and I wouldn’t want that misunderstanding of papal teaching to be reinforced.

I think the difference between JF’s reaction to Simcha’s article and all the ladies’ reactions illustrates beautifully what it means that women have a spiritual motherhood regardless of whether they have biological children. ;-) That ability to pick up on nuance, to intuit meaning and react sympathetically to it seems to come much more naturally to women, and it’s part of that overall awareness of others that makes the role of women important in smoothing all of our rough edges.

This is something I’ve thought about from time to time, in that I felt that I had to ease into the role of motherhood.  You see, I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy.  I’m not yet a parent.  But I’m also a teacher.  I care about my students, and try to remember that I’m not their creator in any way, but their enabler.  There are indeed some parallels between being a teacher and being a parent, and they became apparent when I began to read a bit about parenting while trying to assess my own childhood and the way I’d been parented.  Furthermore, I began to think about spiritual motherhood by indirectly thinking about spiritual fatherhood:  there’s a certain professor of mine whose students love him.  We often say that he’s like a second father to us.

I agree with Suzanne that perhaps the flaw is in the way we perceive motherhood, rather than what motherhood actually is. As someone who would popularly be regarded as too young to have children, I have nevertheless mothered many of my peers (and even my spiritual director!) throughout my life.

I also agree with Claire that you don’t necessarily have to have physically experienced motherhood to have someone call you “Mama”, but mostly because many of my younger friends have taken to calling me “Mama” or “Mommy” because it’s the kind of relationship we have. I am sumpremely protective of them, I occasionally “kiss boo-boos”, and when the situation calls for it, I give them a stern, albeit loving kick in the pants to help them get back on track.

So I think, since I haven’t discerned my vocation yet, that I would be perfectly okay with the idea of “spiritual motherhood”, since I feel that I’ve already taken on a couple of the many roles a mother plays in her children’s lives. I’d also be interested to hear what other phrases women who don’t prefer “spiritual motherhood” come up with to be its substitute.

spiritual motherhood is a beautiful calling ...guided by the Holy Spirit,  To love the one spiritually placed in your care by God with the unconditional love and prayer of a mother. To willfully offer yourself and sacrifice for the good of the one entrusted to you.

I often think that I would have been much better at “spiritual motherhood” than I am at the actual thing, with the kids here. all. the. time. needing me.

I also do not think that the two are mutually exclusive:  I have been blessed to know a woman at nearly every point in my life who, usually with children of her own, has been a spiritual mother to me.  I needed it, and I guess I sought it out, and G-d provided someone who could be helpful, wise, and encouraging, while loving me just as I am and modelling Christian love for self (that is, as one of the Creator’s beloved, just as we all are)...all of these things are the actions of spiritual motherhood.

Also, Simcha, really: Every time I get this stupid idea that the world would want to here what I have to say about stuff on a regular basis, I just have to read your blog to remember what a terrible idea it would be for me.  I can barely tolerate condescending pedants in real life, the idea of being open to every paternalistic Catholic man and every judgemental religious woman who comes along to tsk at me for my ...everything…well. 

For me, it would be terrible.  For you, I pray for you on a regular basis!

*hear

@Corita:  Wow, thank you very much.  You could pray for my poor husband—he’s the one who has to hear me complaining about it all the time!

Hi Chris, I was actually referring to adoption.  I have the title of Mama without having gestated, given birth or breastfed, and while I would have like to have had all those experiences, I don’t feel that their absence has made me any less of a mother.  But I like your examples, too.

@Claire- sorry, I hope I didn’t imply that being a non-biological mother makes you less of a mother.  I didn’t mean that - I used gestation and lactation as examples of things that DON’T necessarily catapult one into full acceptance of motherhood, in my experience, but admire foster mothers, adoptive mothers, and step mothers very much.

Thank you Simcha.  I know you didn’t mean it that way.  I just wanted throw it out there that it’s almost like there’s a third kind of motherhood in addition to bio and spiritual.

I’m sorry to be so cynical.  I think that the concept of “spiritual motherhood” was invented in order to prevent people like me, who have been unable to conceive, from feeling left out of the equation of potential life blessings.  To give credit where credit is due, the motivation behind the term is a good one because it reflects acknowledgment of the pain that many couples feel.  However, I certainly don’t see lots of childless men being reassured that they are still “spiritual fathers” to the world (unless they’re a priest).

“Spiritual Motherhood” has actually been a very consoling concept for me in the past 4 years.  I graduated from a very Catholic college 4 years ago and all of my friends from school got married and started popping out kids!  I got married 2 years after graduating and I have been supporting us on my meager Catholic school teacher salary while he finished his PhD.  Needless to say, we were not in the position to start our family right away and it has been hard to wait so long, especially since some of my friends are on their third child.  However, I’ve been able to give my all to my little students and I also was able to teach First Communion prep at my parish.  In all, I’ve taught about 100 kids about the faith over the past 4 years and I’m very humbled and grateful for that opportunity.  While I really hope that God blessed us children soon (!!!!), I know that I can always be a spiritual mother through teaching in the meantime.

Oooops, *blesses us with* Yeah, I’m a teacher!

@Rebecca:  Actually, it might not be talked about very much but I see the same kind of dynamic of a “fatherhood” in my husband’s life, as I had in mine, with someone who filled a need that was emotional and spiritual.  For my husband his best friend today is not only a friend but, being older and given to nurturing, has fulfilled a much-needed father role for him.

I agree that it is harder to promote a “spiritual fatherhood” outside of teh priesthood but I do think it exists, and outside the priesthood. 

Frankly, I hope and expect that the language of vocation will expand a great deal in the next decade to include more.. and MORE… about the inherent vocations in being single, married but childless, etc.  (Including the special aspects of vocations for the same-sex attracted Catholic!)  It is, in my opinion, only by discussing these things more openly that we will show how the call to a chaste, holy life in and out of marriage is possible and desirable for everybody.

Afflicted with a very unacceptable and ugly auto-immune disorder, I realized early in my life that I was not going to marry and/or have children.  Fall in love, yes.  Being loved back, not very likely.  Sixty years later, things are the same; few men are interested in a woman who flakes like a mackerel and bloats like a dead whale.  Each Mother’s Day I resent the conviction that every woman in church is a Mother.  “Spiritual motherhood” and “feminine genius” both make me want to barf.

On the other hand, I teach.  One student adopted me as her mother 25 years ago!  Her now adult son and his children don’t realize I’m not her biological mother.  I teach and mentor teenaged students from freshman year often through the 3rd child.  Right now I’m making blankies for 2nd & 3rd children of students!

BUT that is not the same, and don’t say it is! (Not you, Simcha—you know!) Adoptive and biological mothers walk the floors with teething and sick children, diaper, feed, teach, totally engage with children—willing or not! 

My model is actually Catherine of Siena, laywoman, patron saint of the Papacy.  Her friends called her “Mamma,” knowing the depth of her concern.  But it still didn’t make it real.

The phrases “spiritual motherhood” and “feminine genius” came from men.  Who do we say we are?  Perhaps a ‘spring cleaning’ of the old noggin might free our minds to perceive what we really are, what that means, and how it gibes with Christ—the center of any Christian life (male or female).  Personally, I don’t want any fellow trying to be my “spiritual father” without his wife being in the same room.  And, there’s a lot of pathology in women trying to ‘mother’ grown men, priests or not.  Are we just too scared to use other more powerful terms for what childless women do in our lives and in our parishes?  Does the phrase “spiritual leader” or “exemplar” or “support” catch in the throat?  Are we just too uncomfortable realizing that the single, widowed, and abandoned women in our midst are an essential part of the Christian family?  Just askin’.
We have a Biblical analogue to consider.  In Genesis 24:60, Rebekah is being packed up to go and get married to Abraham’s son, Isaac.  Her brothers bless her with these words:  “Wishing prosperity to their sister, and saying:  Thou art our sister, mayest thou increase to thousands of thousands, and may thy seed possess the gates of their enemies”.  Rebekah, like Sarah before her, did not have her two sons until she was well past it.  God intended a miraculous birth.  Yet also, God blesses the barren.  For all the time between the honeymoon and the twins, what did Rebekah do?  She spent her time being herself, just as she was:  a non-breeder.  The first part of Genesis 24 tells how generous and compassionate she was.  She practiced the Beatitudes before her descendent, Christ, was born as a man.  While we await some decisive decision on spiritual motherhood, we’ve got a job to do and a vocation to fulfill.  So, get down to the well, ladies.  The camels are hungry and thirsty.

I *do* think women are called to be spiritual mothers for the world, whether or not they raise children.  Look around, for crying out loud—there is a hurting world out there with many who have no idea there is a God who loves them and gave up His Son for them.  We should definitely be on the watch for people who need that good news—it is our job to share it in actions and words.  I became a mother later in life (in my 30s and now 40s) to homegrown and adopted children, but before then I didn’t just sit around twiddling my thumbs.  Women can and should have a profound impact on this world in the name of Jesus—doesn’t matter what you call it.  If you don’t like “spiritual mother,” call it something else—what matters is that you’re doing it.

Maybe this is just me, but I always thought the term “spiritual motherhood” originated to describe consecrated women. It is part of the analogy of becoming a “bride of Christ”: the fruit of the espousal to Christ is souls for God. I thinks it’s only been in very recent times that the term has been used for women in general. On another note, one could say the idea of spiritual motherhood began with Christ (and it isn’t restricted to women!): “Whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Mt 12:50).

I remember sitting in the pediatrician’s office and a woman holding an infant said to my then toddler daughter, “Aren’t babies wonderful? Even at 3am.” And she MEANT IT! I was battling with a newborn son who didn’t believe in sleeping more than three hours in a row at night, and all I could think was that this woman had to be legally insane or some kind of pod creature. Although I love my kids so much I would give my life for them (they are now 12 and 10), I was not someone who fell immediatley in love with my baby the minute it popped out. I was not immediatly in love with motherhood. It is true that it is the most rewarding job I’ve ever done, but it is also true that it is the hardest job I’ve ever done (if you want to try to do it “right”).

Posted earlier on your blog:

Interesting article, Simcha. As a single woman with no children I find it a little daunting that part of my Christian vocation is spiritual motherhood. How do I live this out when I don’t see myself as a particularly nurturing person?? Or am I doing it now but haven’t thought if it as motherhood? Just to focus on life inside the Church, perhaps I live it out through my involvement in our RCIA program by assisting (nurturing?) those interested in the faith. Perhaps through my prayers for our priest and bishop and the Pope (our spiritual fathers) and fellow Christians (my spiritual family). We definitely need women providing spiritual motherhood in our parishes. And not just for young mothers. There are adult converts in need of sponsors. High school and college age girls have need of women to help them develop a mature, adult faith and to help them discover areas of service within (or outside of) the Church. We need women praying for and encouraging our young people who are discerning vocations to the priesthood and religious life. Etc. etc.

Simcha, no comments from this paternalistic dude. I just enjoy reading your stuff…God bless you and your good husband!

I wonder if it’s possible that men see what spiritual motherhood is more clearly than we women do. We may be too close to it. Maybe JPII spoke of the genius of women because he thought it was obvious what it was.

The way I’ve understood it, “spiritual motherhood” refers not so much to the literal parenting of children, biological or otherwise, but rather to the qualities that are essential to loving motherhood and which, honestly, come much more easily to women than to men: compassion, investment in the happiness of the other, self-giving, affection, loving protection, etc.  This is not to say in any way that men or fathers cannot have these qualities, but rather that for the most part, it is more common for women to be deeply attuned to and invested in the happiness and emotional/physical/spiritual welfare of those around her (whether family, friends, children, or spouses).  I see that as the defining feature of motherhood, and I believe it’s a particular talent of women—the “feminine genius”!

I always thought that Spiritual Motherhood was about nuns, cloistered. These women spend their lives “mothering the world”. Our priest once called the the “front lines of Christianity”.
While I still think of Spiritual Motherhood as pertaining to cloistered nunsk, now, at age 64 with 4 children, 7 grandchildren and 1 great-grandson, I find that the phrase should refer to every Christian woman. Regardless of denomination, we should all (women with or without their own children), adopt the world. As was said, the world needs PRAYER more than it needs anything else. As we see in our Blessed Mother, a mother’s prayers are powerful.

@KL, yes!  This is why risk managment expert Gavin deBecker (whose books everyone should read!) tells parents quite firmly to ditch the “Don’t talk to strangers!” and instruct kids that if they get into trouble, they need to go find a *woman* and ask for help.  If she has kids, all the better.  Why?  Because a woman will attach herself to that lost child until everything is straightened out.  A man will (generally) pass the child off on to another person and consider the job taken care of.  Women tend to have that personal investment in the well-being of the other.

Maybe someone should do an “Art of Womanliness” website to go along with the AOM. :-)

@Magistra Bona:  The phrases “spiritual motherhood” and “feminine genius” came from men.

.

Well, specifically they came from the Pope, not just some dude hanging out at the laundromat talkin’ ‘bout the ladies.  Just saying that these phrases came from men isn’t saying anything positive or negative.  The rest of your comment strikes me as oddly belligerent.  Are you Catholic?  Do you accept that men and women are different and have equally important but different roles to play?  I don’t see how “exemplar” or “support” are more powerful words than “mother,” for goodness’ sake.  And to refer to women as either “breeders” or “non-breeders” is just ill-mannered and ridiculous.  I apologize if I’m misreading your comment, but it I’m hearing a tremendous amount of condescension toward mothers, both literal and spiritual.  If you think that to call a woman a “spiritual mother” is to limit her, then your understanding of motherhood is very stunted.

For Simcha:  What I love about the Pope you quote is that he never was too full of himself to shun hanging out at the laundromat, and may have done a few loads himself in his day.  ” And, “oddly beliigerent” is my middle name.  Further, it’s certainly debatable whether or not I’m a Catholic.  But, as to “breeder”, I’ll own it is a bit too ‘street’ for some.  It is, however, the case that women who didn’t have children were shunned in ancient societies.  Even put away.  It speaks volumes for Abraham and Isaac that they did not cast aside their wives because of this.  Maybe the matriarchs had another value which motherhood, in the strictest sense, did not have.  Can that be discussed without mothers feeling their superiority is being usurped?  Can one even ask?

Dear Simcha, thank you for your reflection on spiritual motherhood. I resonate a lot with much you said, even though as a consecrated religious, I have no children of my own. Here’s my response: http://nunspeak.wordpress.com/2011/06/16/about-spiritual-motherhood/

@Magistra Bona:  ...and somehow I’m the one who gets taken to task for “airing my psychological issues.”  There is no justice in the combox!  Good luck getting any genuinely helpful support from a woman who doesn’t value motherhood in one form or another.  In my experience, those are the ones who are mostly concerned with making sure you notice how strong they are all the time.  If you’re hungry, however, go see mom.

@Magistra Bona

Maybe the matriarchs had another value which motherhood, in the strictest sense, did not have.  Can that be discussed without mothers feeling their superiority is being usurped?  Can one even ask?

I am a little confused.  The gist that I am getting from Simcha and from the commenters is that to view “spiritual motherhood” in the “strictest sense,” to use your phrase (that is, the biological or in some cases adoptive one), is to miss the point entirely.  In other words, spiritual motherhood has to do with a set of virtues that may or may not be necessarily related to the physical care of children.  Does that discussion shed any light on your question of whether the matriarchs had “[other] value”?  I feel that it does, but I am genuinely curious as to your thoughts on that.

I’ve never liked blanket concepts in any sense simply because they strike me as vague, abstract, and a little lazy, and don’t seem to address individual strengths that could probably be honed to better collective effect.

But I’m starting to “feel” curious about spiritual motherhood simply because of the week I’ve had. I traveled with my two kids to see what I could do to help my husband’s parents who are ailing, with his father having recently had a stroke.  I am able to be with them because I am a mother who stays at home with her children.  Everyone else in the family works (and works very hard) at extremely demanding jobs.  I have the ability to spend time with them, and so I will.  I am neither happy nor sad about it.  I do not feel stressed or put out or martyrish or saintly.  But maybe more interestingly, while I feel some sense of spiritual motherhood, I don’t feel any sense of moral superiority to my sisters-in-law for not putting aside their careers to take care of their parents (not to say they don’t do everything that is within their capabilities to do).  It makes me wonder if they are really called to spiritual motherhood as much as spiritual fatherhood in that they are excellent providers and skilled at their jobs, but only about as nurturing as the stereotypical man.  Perhaps I’m being too literal…

I haven’t had the time to read all of the comments, but would like to add the following link to the discussion. Although it is from a website for a congregation of religious women - it’s insights may be useful for all. Spiritual motherhood, especially for those who have not (yet/ever) been blessed with biological motherhood, deals a lot with sacrifice. Raising up souls to God through prayer and sacrifice - sometimes for people you may not even know. In addition to sacrifice, it’s about generosity with all the things God asks you to endure for love of Him.

For example, any woman who makes a sacrifice of money or time or prayer or simply offering a difficult situation can do so for the spiritual well-being of another. Let’s say that I know a priest on mission in a far away country. Maybe I have a Mass said for him or give money to his religious community that I would have otherwise spent on myself. Maybe I pray to God for this priest when I am enduring a difficult trial at work. All of these actions are sacrifices made for the good of another. Doing these sorts of things enables women to share in a special way in the mystery of God’s grace on earth…it’s how St. Therese became the patroness of the missions. But offering sacrifices for other people - even ones we don’t know - is something that EVERYONE can do…you don’t have to be cloistered in a convent…you can participate in the radical love of union to the body of Christ and begin mothering souls at any age. Even the Holy Childhood Association teaches children to offer sacrifice for other children in mission territories around the world…

So here’s the link:
http://www.ssvmusa.org/events/CatholicCulture/SpiritualMaternity.shtm

Enjoy!

Empathy is a great teacher.  I am glad you have discovered your ability to relate and feel for those who don’t have what you can give.  God bless you!

Did JPII coin the term “feminine genius” in English or another language?  If not English, then it may be viewed as an awkward translation that needs to be re-worked into English.  So someone (like the writer of this blog) might not be crazy about it and that doesn’t necessarily have to do with her feelings. 
It seems mentioning “feminine genius” can automatically put males on the defensive, as if it implies that males are somehow excluded from genius.  Of course, JPII didn’t mean it that way, and men have their own “genius”.  The word “genius” just brings with it connotations in English that don’t go well with what JPII was saying.

I’m gonna use my feminine genius to tell JF to shut it.

Oh. my. gosh. “...maybe reading too many of those gushing “lovin’ every minute of it!” mommy blogs…”  I am crying and laughing at this statement.  So many of my peers are at this stage and it is foreign to me in personality and experience. 

Like some of your other readers, it’s looking like I may be unable to have children.  And it’s hard to reconcile the language of traditional Catholic feminine spirituality with the grace of an empty womb (whatever that means, I am trying to understand).  The available language and my personal experience are jarring to me at the present.  Even now, tears are streaming. I feel comforted knowing there are Biblical women who have experienced barrenness. “Spiritual motherhood” may not be for all, but the cross of Christ is. 

Thanks for asking these hard questions.  I don’t feel so alone.

My good friend, single at 35, told her confessor how much she suffered ‘cause she craved to be a mother. He told her “Be mother to everyone”. My reaction would be “That’s all you can contrive???” and punch in the face :-)). But she piously accepted. Luckily, in her 36 she got married and now is a mother of four.
Well, I wanna say that concept is easy if you have your own kids or decided not to have them (religious calling or something like that). But if you want kids badly and not have them, it’s very painful to be always reminded on your “empty womb” like “S” said.
On the other hand, it seems to me that somehow it’s natural for women to think about others and take care about everone. I do it all my life, but when someone calls it “spiritual motherhood” it makes me bitter because it sounds like “you are not good enough to be biological mother so take your lousy consolation prize”.

When my oldest daughter became religious I asked her if her decision not to have children (vow of chastity being what it is) was a reflection of what a poor mother I had been.  She scoffed at my wanting to be the center of attention (again) and told me that she wanted more kids than you can physically have or possibly afford.  She has 20 or so new children every year…..another lesson learned from my child.

I like to think of the Blessed Mother who was the spiritual mother of the ragtag group her son left her with.  I can see her in the Upper Room faced lifted to the heavens praying for the Holy Spirit and thinking “Really, Jesus, really?  These guys?”  I wonder what type of mothering they received from her and how that care impacted on their ability to spread the message of Christ to a hostile world.

I like the phrase ‘feminine genius’ and even the mad-scientist image - it works to encourage my sometimes reluctant children to do what I have asked.  They’re always up for a plot to take over the world and keeping the bathroom clean is vital to this plot!

It seems that this topic has generated a good deal of discussion.  As a single person the term “spiritual motherhood” has helped me to engage in nuturing and compassionate behaviors.  As a member of a religious order for 17 years I touched the lives of thousands of children as a teacher.  After leaving the order I felt called to continue some form of ministry.  This took the form of getting involved in “justice and peace” issues. As my mother aged her needs increased.  Our roles were reversed and somehow I felt like her mother and she was the child, especially when she developed Alzheimers.  There is so much to do “out there” that a single person can be involved in, hopefully to the enrichment of the parish and community. The term used to describe Christian female compassionate and nurturing behavior doesn’t reallly matter.

Simcha, I am a big fan of yours.  I really appreciate your earthy, humorous style as well as the content of your articles.

Earthy humor can be a breath of fresh air, but mocking the Pope is not.  **Please** refrain from making fun of something a Pope has taught or said!!!!  I appreciate the term “feminine genius”, but now that I read your jokey description of an evil female genius ripping the heads off of men, I will unfortunately have this image in my mind when I read the term in the future. I do not want this image to be in my mind, but it’s stuck there, because I read your column.

Please realize that when you write, people who appreciate you TRUST you with our MINDS.  We read your column because we expect that we will *not* be assaulted with degrading comments about the Pope or the Church.  Mocking the pope’s word choice betrays that kind of trust.  I cannot go back and remove that disgusting image from my mind.

to No!!!  You can certainly go back and get an image out of your mind.  Just bring along the true “feminine genius” who will take on the evil “genius” and fix everything up properly!

But seriously, think of this.  Spiritual fatherhood was mentioned very briefly way up in the comments.  God the Father was Father from all eternity. That was what Jesus called him.  That means that fatherhood begins as a spiritual “idea”, not as a physical one.  This is completely contrary to how most of us think of the matter and takes far more space than I have here to elaborate on.  But when God created us,—male and female He created us, in His own image and likeness—fatherhood, and motherhood, must have been a part of it.  So spiritual motherhood is primary not secondary. As for what it is, I think it must be about bringing up souls for God, which can be part of anyone’s task.  How (that is, in which way) we do it physically isn’t nearly as important as how we do it spiritually.  We can be slightly messy or perfectionist, warm or cool, in or out of the home, but we are called to bring up souls.  Our own and others.

I agree with NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love reading things you write, and actually read one article aloud to a group of college students while teaching Theology of the Body, (brought forward to us from scripture by JPII).  I’d be weary of critisizing anyting a pope says, because of who he is for the world and the Kingdom of God.  I would also discourage saying anything bad about JPII because you might loose a huge audience who loves him dearly.  (Practically speaking, many Catholics from 20something-40something which is a huge majority of the Church today.)

I like your column, and hope I can still read it happily after this post.  I was excited to see your name on a topic I was interested in anyway, and was sad to read this. :(

@ No!! and AmyNoel: 

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I’m truly surprised to hear you say this.  I’ve always been a huge public supporter and defender of JP II, and am very grateful for his support and defense of women.  I don’t think my comments were degrading or critical—I was simply describing how the phrase landed on modern, English-speaking ears, and I know I’m not the only one who hears this slightly odd phrase this way.  John Paul II had many wonderful gifts, but constructing a felicitous phrase was not one of them.  I’m very wary of the attitude that we must not ever, ever make light of things that holy people say.  I wasn’t questioning his thesis, just his word choice.

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It’s funny, but no matter what I write, I get at least one response of, “I usually like how you write, but this time you’ve gone too far.”  It just goes to show that everyone likes jokes and hyperbole until it touches a nerve.  Someday I’ll write the post that doesn’t offend anyone, and it will be totally blank.

“John Paul II had many wonderful gifts, but constructing a felicitous phrase was not one of them.”

Bingo!  Popes are human.  They make mistakes.  They have bad days on the job.  They sometimes even write incomprehensibly.  They’re Popes, not the Oracle at Delphi.  It’s all right to have a little fun with that.  Doing so doesn’t make you Voltaire.

There seems to be a bit of creeping ultramontanism amongst some orthodox Catholics, and it’s a little tiring to hear.

Ok then. :)hearing you say this clears up a lot.  I wasn’t offended personally just sad to hear the pope being critisized.  No hard feelings.

Spiritual motherhood—I thought this refferred to the Mary phenomenon and our call to birth Christ into the world.  Sure, women are more likely to do this, but the comments I’ve heard about this practice not only being limited to women makes me think this is exactly what the phrase means.  I don’t feel opressed by the phrase, or the phrase feminine genius—on the contrary I feel liberated and understood.

As a mother of many, who wanted a large family(12) ever since I can remember, I was amazed at how much I needed the Blessed Mother to help me with my mothering. I was greatly surprised at how often I had the desire to chuck it all and live in some faraway place, preferably with other renegade mothers, sipping fanatasy drinks by the side of some exotic beach.
One time I actually ran away from home, when the kids’ medicines fell off the top of the refrigerator after a long day and night of sick children, and my husand yelled about that. I “ran away” to another Catholic mother’s house who let me work my way gradually from the position of using our credit cards to escape somewhere fun, to living with her secretly and arranging for home visits occasionally, to returning home and facing my responsibilities.
So, for me, mothering has been the action of God and His mother in my life. It still is largely the gift of grace, that comes whenever I remember to ask for it.
Thank God and Mary that someone is always mothering me! So I can mother others…It’s a tough job!!

Spiritual parenthood is not a big mystery for anyone who has ever had a spiritual Mother or Father. By God’s grace, I’ve had both & would not be here writing anything today without them. I’m not exaggerating a bit!

  SO this is a topic I feel strongly about. The Holy Spirit has used Spiritual Parents throughout salvation history to help those of us who need it along the right path. My physical children have also had wonderful Spiritual Parents whom I thank whenever I get the chance because they’ve done for my kids what I couldn’t do myself! I could lead & nurture them in the Catholic Faith but often others, outside the family, play a critical role in them seeing the fullness of the Faith.

  As far as the term “Feminine Genius” goes, I’m sure Blessed JPIi would be more than happy from heaven to see Catholic women step up to the plate and develop our own language for what our role in the Body of Christ is. Anyone who has actually read “On the Dignity of Women” or “Love and responsibility” or Theology of the Body or the Gospel of Life etc etc can easily see how he meant the term when taken in context. To date I’ve seen zero alternatives that make any sense to me.

When I think of the term “spiritual motherhood” it reminds me of that scene in Brideshead Revisited in which the fiance (what is his name) is being quizzed on his catechism as he prepares to enter the church in order to marry Julia.  He’s asked what Papal Infallibility means, and whether or not the Pope is right when he says it’s raining outside when in fact it is dry.  (Is his name Max? It’s some sort of manly name…)  He responds something to the effect that it IS raining, its just that everyone is so sinful that they can’t see it.  “Spiritual Motherhood” sounds like one of those feel-good terms that means that everyone can be a mom, even if it isn’t physically so. 

However, there is something about what JPII says about women bringing their motherliness to the world around them in everything that they do.  I think that men tend to build things through artifice and women tend to build things in nature… raising children, is the prime example.  If a woman isn’t creating through nature, her contributions are often seen through gardening, raising animals, caring for others, teaching… all those jobs that are traditionally held by women - nursing, teachers, etc. I took a 50% paycut when I left a corporate job in order to teach because I realized that there was a huge part of me that was just being smothered by being in a cubicle… and I needed a more creative outlet.  I don’t think I’m special in this regard, I think it was that mothering “drive” that didn’t have an outlet anywhere else.

For the genuinely curious KL:  That’s it!!  A set of virtues that may be found in mothers, spiritual mothers, spiritual fathers, and anyone manifesting that set of virtues!!  But, what specifically makes someone a “spiritual mother”?  Where does the virtue leave off and the motherhood begin?  Is it the virtues alone, or some other quality?  Sorry to nit pick here; but, the good in others—male or female—that attracts human beings may be so very transcendental that gender or biology alone cannot enclose or contain it.  Did the matriarchs have human or theological virtues which gave them dignity and value, whether or not they ‘parented’?  Would we reject the care of a man if he was compassionate and other-oriented?  Would we reject the leadership of a woman who inspired spiritual effort?  We may have locked specific behaviours and virtues into gender straight jackets.  Can anyone object to good and virtues just busting out from everywhere and everyone?  Would we have been less helped and nurtured by ‘spiritual parents’ if all of a sudden their gender changed? Just askin’.

When I was a teenager I went off the deep end and lost all communication with my family. There was a woman in my life who was a Christian and she was so kind to me and eventually led me to Christ. She was pregnant with her first child at the time and had had no experience being a mother yet but she was very much like a mother to me. I’m 24 and married now and expecting. I’ve been having crazy alligator nightmares too! What does it mean?!

I went through the ENDOW study on JPII’s Letter to Women.  Going into it, the term “Feminine Genius” made my skin crawl.  After reading his letter and going through the study, I’m comfortable with his intention, but still don’t particularly love the phrasing. 
I’m not a maternal person at all, I’m not particularly feminine.  I have 4 children, whom I love, but never do any of the things that are mentioned on mommyblogs with them.  But I’ve found my place in spiritual motherhood in my role on the RCIA team, where I greet and welcome every inquirer, trying to get to know them personally and making them feel welcome and important.  I think we all find our way.

For Magistra Bona:  You use the arguments against gender influence on those particular feelings, yet, on earth we are born a gender.  Granted in heaven we will be woman and man no more, but while we are on earth we are still subject to gender.  We are given, by God, a set of “skills”(so to speak) within a gender and from this gender is our tools to help us on our way to heaven. Everything of this realm is meant to be used to help us on our way to heaven. God gave us examples to follow.  There is a difference in the ways that men and women nurture, and I’ve spent years observing the reactions of babies. Recently I began volunteering as a sitter at the hospital and have had the opportunity to watch men sitters with men, and women sitters with men.  The nurturing is in the giver and getter who becomes the taker when responding to the nurturing; nurturing is not just in the giver. Nurturing only works if it is accepted. 
God has let us know that HE is HE,  and HE has given us a Woman to accept as our Mother, and this entire subject is all about the sacredness of the union of man and woman in imitation of the union of Mary and God the Holy Spirit.  Their joining became Jesus. 
Much of what you are saying sounds like what I hear from the gay agenda that “gender doesn’t matter so who cares if it is a male and a male raising children….”; it sounds reasonable until you connect the dots in what we are to emulate. 
The talk about “feelings” ultimately becomes protests of “I can feel all the same feelings of my opposite gender”. No we can’t. 

It is ONLY in heaven that gender will no longer matter because we wouldn’t be participating in creating new life there.  It all goes back to understanding the basics “Who made you?”... God made me.  “Why did God make you?”... To know, love and serve Him.  We are to know ourselves as God’s creature gender and all, love ourselves as His creature gender and all.  Not to use gender and all to serve self but to serve others within each our own personalities.

A lot of wondeful women have shown me what it means to be a faithful woman of God, and in some way shared their faith with me (even if it was just in observing their lives) and many who helped me in very real ways - nurturing my own infant Faith, encouraging me in my own trials, praying for me, doing works of mercy.

‘Spiritual motherhood’ is nothing more than our calling as Christian women to be witnesses to the Faith, and mentors to other Christians, to show others what it means to live a life dedicated to Christ, and then help others find Christ and be reborn in water and spirit.  Not everyone can have children, not everyone can be ‘maternal’.  But everyone is called to bring forth new life in one way or another, even if it means that we are simply praying and doing penance for the salvation of others in secret.  After all, St Therese is patron of Missionaries, not because she was one herself, but because she prayed and sacrificed much for the success of missionaries.  Even those in her own convent had no idea of all the ways she made sacrifices.

Fulton Sheen said that God’s quesion to priests will be “Where are your children?”

Won’t he say that to all of us, truthfully?

For Theresa Henderson:  Gender is not really the problem with the notion of spiritual motherhood that I’m having.  And, I do not believe my comments or queries seek to disolve gender.  I’m asking:  What makes this bundle of behaviours “mother”?  I do not have the answer.  Perhaps someone out there does.  We know Someone out there does.  But, until heaven…Also, we were not talking about the gay agenda which (for the most part) seeks to replicate straight things for gay people.  We’re talking about spiritual motherhood.  Not sexual orientation and all the fol de rol that goes with that in the news today.  If you look at motherhood in the natural order, it is impossible without a man.  It is not exclusively female.  So both genders are necessary for motherhood to happen for a woman.  So motherhood, in a way, is kind of more than one’s own gender, male or female.  But what is it in the spiritual order?  Just askin’.

Fascinating and thought-provoking discussion! As a single 26-year-old woman who would love to be married with children, I find the concept of “spiritual motherhood” very consoling and encouraging. For me, it gives me a hopeful way to channel my desire to be a biological mother when I currently do not have that opportunity. As someone said earlier in the discussion, perhaps it is not as much about exercising your distinct “maternal instincts” per se, but in the idea that all women are called to bring life into the world through nurturing others and sharing the love of Christ with others.

I can see, however, especially how women who have been struggling with barrenness for years and years could be frustrated by well-intentioned, but insensitive onlookers who throw out the option of “spiritual motherhood” out as a equivalent alternative, “band-aid”, if you will. I think the frustration lies in the fact that actual motherhood and spiritual motherhood are NOT equivalent, though each is beautiful in their own respect.

Caryll Houselander wrote one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read on spiritual motherhood. I posted it on my blog a few months ago:
http://acontemplativeinthecity.blogspot.com/2010/10/call-to-spirtual-motherhood.html

My understanding of the term “spiritual motherhood” is that it refers primarily to the vocation of priests, since they are in the business of growing souls (so to speak) but that it is also a calling for every Christian, male or female, young or old.

Perhaps biological, adoptive and step-mothers have something special to contribute to the Church’s understanding of motherhood, but in my experience (as a parent whose maternal instinct has gone missing), we have much more to learn from Mary about what motherhood is all about.

@ RMW and Donna : Your story is fantastic, and I just want to tell you that I think they are great, and you have done so well to have achieved such outcomes. Awwww.

@Simcha: no, a blank page will offend people. It will offend those who think you are downgrading your writing, implying that they have insufficient intellect to appreciate your work. But I’d like to see ya try it:)

I, speaking only for myself, like the idea…I tend to want to run screaming from the thought of the physical kind, so perhaps there’s hope for me.

I know I’m coming a few months late to this party, but I stumbled across this post and felt drawn to contribute.

1 Timothy 2:15 tells us that women will be saved through motherhood, a depressing thought if only physical motherhood is meant.  It seems, though, that St. Paul believes that all women are called to some level of spiritual motherhood as well, whether that be in a tangible sense, through maternal relationships with others, or in a purely spiritual sense, through intercession.

Yet despite the call of all women to spiritual motherhood, it seems to me that this is particularly the call of consecrated women, the brides of Christ who are in persona ecclesiae, in the person of (Mother) Church.  I say this as an aspiring consecrated virgin whose vocation only makes sense if I am called to be a bride of Christ and a mother of His children.  All my life I longed to be a mother; when I discerned my vocation, I offered my barrenness as a great sacrifice to God.  In return, He blessed me with a fruitfulness so great I can never express the joy.  “Spiritual motherhood” might be a phrase that seems hollow or artificial to physical mothers, married women without children, or single women, but to those called to be brides of Christ, I think, nothing but His love is more true or more meaningful.

There is something very real about spiritual motherhood, especially when it is integral to a person’s vocation as opposed to the product of circumstances (by which, of course, I mean Providence).  I have never borne physical children, so comparisons I make will have to be viewed in that light; I have, however, been a foster mother to young children, so I can relate to the all-consuming task (and love) that is physical motherhood, both biological and adoptive.  No, it’s not the same, but neither is the way you are a mother and the way my sister is a mother.  Because two types of motherhood are different doesn’t make one any less real.  No, they aren’t the same—and yet, somehow, they are.

As a teacher and (God willing) a future bride of Christ, I love His children as my own.  Certainly, I don’t have the same motherly love for every one of the hundreds of children who have belonged to me—my heart couldn’t take it—but I offer myself completely to each one and some few dozen have become as dear to me as I can imagine any physical child of mine being.  I pray for them desperately, I ache with love for them, I miss them terribly when they go off to college. 

Just as a physical mother does, I suffer for my children.  No, I’m not theirs 24 hours a day (although, because I am their mother, I live in a dorm at a boarding school and am available to them 16-18 hours a day), but I feel the weight of their souls as strongly as many physical mothers.  My knees are bruised for praying for them, my face lined with the joy of watching them repent and the agony of knowing I can’t make them saints.  Daily I pour myself out for them and daily they roll their eyes, ignore me, sometimes embracing sin just to spite me.  Yes, I am a mother—and a mother only of teenagers, God help me.

My children are so often broken before they even get to me.  I love them with everything I have, but I am not the most important force in their lives.  I spend my life working damage control, trying to love their broken hearts back together, knowing that I will often fail.  I plant the seeds and I hope, but most of the fruit is borne years later, after they’ve moved away and fallen out of touch.  I watch my children leave the fold and I never know if they’ve come back.

Unlike physical mothers, I usually have these children for only a few years after high school before they move on and mostly forget me; unlike physical mothers, I often have absolutely no impact on them after they leave my care.  I can’t call them every Sunday if they don’t want to hear from me; I can’t always step back into their lives to invite them lovingly to conversion.  At a certain point, I have to let them go.

The love of a mother is the love of the Cross.  We pour out our lives for our children and they spit in our faces.  Some few stand by and love us in return.  The rest may, by God’s grace, be converted by the empty tomb, by the hole in His side, by the tongues of flame.  We love and we pray and we hope—and we leave them in God’s hands.  This is motherhood—spiritual and physical. 

As an aside, for those who don’t feel led to the kind of relationship I describe, spiritual motherhood can also be a purely spiritual thing, one in which you fast and pray even for nameless, faceless people who need the love of a mother.  You don’t have to be the “mothering type” to be a mother.

I feel for those of you who view spiritual motherhood as a consolation prize, a phrase coined to silence those women who suffer for not being physical mothers.  I felt this way for years before discerning my vocation, and perhaps I accept it more joyfully now because, in a sense, it’s something I’ve chosen.  But real holiness is rejoicing in the suffering we’ve chosen and in the suffering that’s been forced upon us.

Thank you all for the opportunity to reflect on this more deeply the past few days—sorry for being so long-winded.  Please pray for me and for my many children.  I am so blessed.