Because it's Friday, and I'm about as peppy as a piece of eggplant skin that went through the dishwasher, let's play a game. I'm calling it "Catholic SEO Mad Libs," because I couldn't decide which joke I wanted to go with.
This is my gift to you, the person who needs to come up with something that is both relevant and edgy, and has words in it. You remember Mad Libs, right? One person supplies the required parts of speech, without knowing the context, and the other person fills the words in. Then they read the completed story aloud. Hilarity ensues.
Here's the template, which you can use for just about any occasion. Heck, you can leave it as it is, with the blanks blank, and someone out there will still get offended.
THE INTERNET THESE DAYS
The internet these days has gotten out of control. Just the other day, a(n) [adjective]__________ young person sat down at the computer, hoping to find out a little more about [any word]______________ for a post he was writing. The first search term he entered into Google was [any word]_________, but that turned out to be a(n) [adjective] _______ choice, because it just turned up a bunch of websites about [any word]______________ and [any word]_____________.
Next he tried searching for [any word] __________. No dice! Just more [adjective]_________ websites, including a few which were too [adjective]_________ for the workplace -- [person] ________wearing a(n)[article of clothing]__________, for instance.
[exclamation]______________!
He took a deep breath, asked himself what [person]_________ would do, and tried one last time, this time entering [any word]__________ into the search box. To his surprise, he found himself on the homepage of [organization]__________. Mesmerized, he clicked through, only to find himself knee deep in videos of [person]__________ teaching a class on [any word]______________.
Unable to control himself, he clicked again, and was instantly sorry, for there was a high resolution image of [person]___________ demonstrating the proper way to [verb]__________ a(n) [noun]________.
In a panic, he closed all the tabs and opened Facebook -- and there was a message from [person] _______, hoping to be friends.
And the moral of this story is, A(n) [noun]_________ in hand is worth two in the bush.
~~~~
Now, of course you can just play it straight, and fill in the specified parts of speech, and you will have something which is just as good, if not better, than 99% of what is on the internet.
But say you are getting paid per click (which I am not. I simply feed off human misery, including my own. Especially my own). You want to do more than hit your minimum word count; you want your post to draw in the crazies like crazy moths to a crazy flame!
This is where my trademarked Surefire List O' Incendiary Vocabulary comes in, guaranteed to whip high strung readers into a logorrheic frenzy. Just sprinkle a few of these into your piece and watch the tickers whir:
NOUNS, GERUNDS, UM, PRESENT PARTICIPLES, and MISCELLANEOUS [turns out I have forgotten more grammar than I realized. Look, just play along.]
cervical mucus
urban backyard chicken
Amish schoolgirl
gut flora
homeschooling
vaccinations
dolphin assisted birthing
folly of putting two spaces after a period
spanking
breastfeeding
breastfeeding at Mass
circumcision at Mass
dolphin assisted birthing at Mass
circumcized dolphins assisting at birthing while the mother homeschools at Mass
tap pants
food stamps
reiki
yoga
placentophagy
declawing
organ donor
The Hunger Games
intelligent design
Obama's birth certificate
dodge ball
torture
cilantro
ORGANIZATIONS
Opus Dei
Regnum Christi
Pat Buchanan's Young Monster Brigade
La Leche League
Life Teen
WI(n)GS
NAMES
Michael Voris
Ron Paul
Rand Paul
Paul Ryan
Ryan Gosling
Gary the Alligator
Harry Potter
Michelle Duggar
Jingabingabinga Duggar
Richard Ferber
Ryan Gosling
Hitler
VERBS
circumcize
vaccinate
breastfeed
fraternally correct
ADJECTIVES
vegan
Wiccan
dissident
obedient
Novus Ordo-y
Medjugorje-ish
fat
drunk
stupid
feminine
ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
lace mantilla
belted sweater
denim jumper
immodest shoe
maternity cassock
EXCLAMATIONS
Yikes!
Sam-I-am!
By Mark Shea's beard!
~~~~
Well, there you have it. If it doesn't work out, don't blame me! Blame [name].
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Middle of the night nursing sessions are not fun, so I have been reading the never ending comments on some of your most recent posts to help me stay awake. This. Post. Is. Awesome. Thank you for putting a smile on my face when m natural inclination is to burst into hot mess tired tears when my little baby girl wakes up AGAIN to eat!
<<circumcized dolphins assisting at birthing while the mother homeschools at Mass>>
Thank you for the laugh! And what is it with Ryan Gosling? I’m not sure I get it. Just that he’s good-looking? Or is there some kind of female blogger obsession with him, b/c I’m seeing his name and picture crop of EVERYWHERE?
Am I the only one who intends to print this out for use at parties? OMG it is awesome.
@Carolyn A. - maybe you should google Ryan Gosling? Oh, nevermind, that’s a bad idea!
I’m offended. And if anybody else manages to be offended too, I’ll be even more offended. So nobody get offended because a.) I called it, b.) my suffering is so much greater than yours that you couldn’t possibly be offended the way I am, and c.) Simcha may need a break from the “I’m offended” drama. Since she is trying to personally offend me with this post, she won’t be offended that I am offended. Way to start my day Simcha! Now I’ve got enough energy to finally tell those little old church ladies who take up an inexplicable three parking spots just what I think of their offensive ways.
I tried very hard to do this as a real mad libs. I read just the red text and wrote down my answers. Here’s my story. (I had to pluralize two words to make them fit better, but otherwise, it’s ‘as is’.)
THE INTERNET THESE DAYS
The internet these days has gotten out of control. Just the other day, a SLIMY young person sat down at the computer, hoping to find out a little more about BANANAS for a post he was writing. The first search term he entered into Google was FRUGAL, but that turned out to be a PLUMP choice, because it just turned up a bunch of websites about KEYS and HAWAII.
Next he tried searching for SUNBURN. No dice! Just more DELICIOUS websites, including a few which were too TALL for the workplace—GRANDMA MOSES wearing a WRAP-AROUND JEAN SKIRT, for instance.
JEEZ!
He took a deep breath, asked himself what THE DOG TRAINER would do, and tried one last time, this time entering FLUBBER into the search box. To his surprise, he found himself on the homepage of THE GIRLS SCOUTS OF AMERICA. Mesmerized, he clicked through, only to find himself knee deep in videos of MY MOTHER teaching a class on SMART PHONES.
Unable to control himself, he clicked again, and was instantly sorry, for there was a high resolution image of BEN FRANKLIN demonstrating the proper way to JOG a DOG.
In a panic, he closed all the tabs and opened Facebook—and there was a message from KELLY RIPA, hoping to be friends.
And the moral of this story is, A STOVE in hand is worth two in the bush.
No option of “Lebanese people being superior than Americans”?? Fine, I get it, you’re all just jealous!
You missed some.
Nouns: abortion, contraception, war on women, evolution, creationist
Organizations: Sexist Medjugorie Conspirators, Occupy Wall Street
Names: Oprah Winfrey, George Zimmerman, Stephenie Meyer
Verbs: abort, contracept, offend
Adjectives: Conservative, Liberal, Ultra-Conservative, Ultra-Liberal
Exclamations: Twilight sucks! Women go to Hell for wearing pants!
I fully expect to be paid for the extra clicks you’ll receive.
How could you have left pants off the articles of clothing word list?
Perfect pick-me-up for this dreary, rainy, cold, miserable, hideous Friday. The only good thing about today being that it IS Friday, and not one of the other similarly nasty days that came before it. Thank you for the laugh!
Novus Ordo-y: new favorite adjective!! Hahaha!!1
Very Nice. AND you met the deadline!
Also, I hope the weekend will bring you rest and more pep!
THE INTERNET THESE DAYS
The internet these days has gotten out of control. Just the other day, a gassy young person sat down at the computer, hoping to find out a little more about hot dogs for a post he was writing. The first search term he entered into Google was hobo, but that turned out to be a bready choice, because it just turned up a bunch of websites about wingnuts and flatulence.
Next he tried searching for schools. No dice! Just more hopeless websites, including a few which were too cosmopolitan for the workplace—footy- pajama wearing a bikini, for instance.
! Dagnabbit !
He took a deep breath, asked himself what Obama would do, and tried one last time, this time entering squirt guns into the search box. To his surprise, he found himself on the homepage of The Vatican. Mesmerized, he clicked through, only to find himself knee deep in videos of Justin Beiber teaching a class on gun safety.
Unable to control himself, he clicked again, and was instantly sorry, for there was a high resolution image of Lady Gaga demonstrating the proper way to mow a pizza.
In a panic, he closed all the tabs and opened Facebook—and there was a message from The Beatles, hoping to be friends.
And the moral of this story is, A casserole in hand is worth two in the bush.
A combined effort of me and my 12 year old son…
I sense the return of (big) and angry. (Heh) An evening of recollection might help.
You forgot one item of clothing: Pants!
OMG. Justin Bieber teaching a class on gun safety. The internet has surpassed my expectations yet again.
I’m relatively new to Catholic blogs but my brief experience has taught me that the list of nouns, etc., is incomplete without the phrase “liturgical abuse(s)”.
Your search - “SIMCHA FISHER”+banana - did not match any image results.
the internet is such a let down
What are you? Some kind of a wise guy?
Ouch. this cold/allergy thing doesn’t like it when I laugh. I’ll have to stop reading you till I’m better!
You said Ryan Gosling twice. Thank you.
I let my kids do it. They did something that I’m sure will offend many (raised ‘em right, I did).
They just put “ass” in all the blanks. It’s even funnier when it doesn’t make sense.
Simca,
Your list of nouns, gerunds, etc. following the “fill in the blanks” essay is, as you intended, hilarious. After your youngest ones mature, and your spouse willing, you may have an elegant future as a stand-up comic. We need comics with grace-filled morals, and you seem to qualify.
I broke down first at “circumcized dolphins assisting at birthing”. Your columns are good for health through laughter.
Thank you.
TeaPot562
Those playing, be careful where you put ‘Hitler.’ Everyone knows this is the trump card, and once you’ve played it the game is essentially over. ;)
Also, I totally snorked when I read ‘Ron Paul Rand Paul Paul Ryan Ryan Gosling” in quick succession. Politics and pop culture are so confusing. LOL.
Finally, a quote: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” (I never watched that movie. NEVER, I TELL YOU. Now forget we had this conversation.)
Perfect read for a Saturday morning. Ha!
This post can be a troll magnet when Google picks it up :)
By the way I have to fraternally correct you in mentioning Ryan Gosling twice. And don’t mess with La Leche League!!! :D
In troll paradise you get a post from a blogger about each one of the topics of your list every hour.
“By Mark Shea’s beard!” has just become my new exclamation of choice. It replaces “By Thor’s left teat!” and possibly “By the pipe of Tolkien!”
Simcha - great read as always! But do tell - What did you mean by “SEO” in “Catholic SEO Mad Libs?”
Thanks!
Mrs. S, SEO=Search Engine Optimization.
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