My kids are 5, 3 and 4 months, therefore I follow the following formula of indoctrination:

Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady’s chamber.
There I met an old man
Who wouldn’t say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs

The family I know who has six kids and raised them all to adulthood without any leaving the Church has a couple of things going for them, I think (from the outside looking in).

They were always SANE about their faith.  They home-schooled, but their kids were involved in the wider community. They didn’t go in for spiritual fads.  They gave their teens an appropriate amount of freedom for things like picking clothes and taking jobs, but also had hard and fast rules (like no working on Sunday).  The PARENTS love God and passed that love on to their kids.  And they were really big on the “Penance is something YOU do, not something you impose on the rest of the family” guideline.  Part of what has kept the kids Catholic, I think, is seeing their parents live a good life.

The avoiding spiritual fads thing is an especially important one, I think.  The families who go chasing after fads and impose them on their kids seem to have a lot more teenaged rebellion to deal with.  On the other end of the spectrum, the families who treat the sacraments like punishments (i.e.: You pissed me off and now you have to go to confession.  You were bad this morning, now you have to sit UP FRONT at Mass….) also screw up their kids.

At the moment, my bigger kids LIKE praying and Church. My 3 year old son has some really bad weeks, but our punishment of choice(spending the rest of Mass in the nursing room staring at a white corner) seems to make some impact. (Message: Church is pretty and there’s music and stuff to see.  Opting out of Church means opting in to boring.) 

Also—(advice for younger moms again) Children’s Adoration is WONDERFUL.  The kids get to know Jesus in the Eucharist in a kid-friendly setting that takes into account their squirminess and general level of background noise, and Moms get to have some adoration time without worrying that their kids are bugging everyone else!  EVERY parish should have this!!!!

We make our children pray (ages 9 to 20).  We do meal prayers, once a week we say the rosary, once a week we do some catechesis on the readings for Sunday.  We just introduced this about 2 years ago.  So there is more resistance from the older teens than the younger ones.  The one who has been at college is actually receptive - I think he appreciates the family now more since he has been away.  There is usually a lot of groaning from eveyone, but once it is over and the dessert comes, we don’t hear too many complaints.  I agree with you Simcha, that these prayer times should not be the only times the family gathers together - we have been guilty of this because we have such limited time together and we want to put the catechesis first.  Reading your article reminded me that children don’t pick up the faith from what we say, but what we do, and listening to them, working on our relationship with them, being there for them, just having fun with them is equally important.  As they get older it is harder to find activities that a wide range of kids and parents will enjoy (my kids enjoy video games together - I don’t) but I will be thinking of other ways to be together.  Badminton anyone?  We will keep up our weekly prayer time together, but strive to find some other “mandatory fun” times together too.

As an older child who was forced to go to Mass each week and was ridiculed when I came out as an atheist, I can say I definitely resented it. I have to admit though, the relationship was never open as far as faith went, and I never received any catechesis. When I came back to the Church, I think I realized what you’re saying about being okay with mandatory prayer when it was either part of a routine or part of a real relationship, neither of which my family had.

Our kids are 16,15,14,12,10,7 and 5 and we are in the midst of this right now. The school that they attended last year had mandatory mass attendance and it was a real problem for one of them. So much so that one day we heard,“I hate going to mass.” Wow. We had already been very careful at home not to shove religion down their throats as we realized that school was providing more than enough of that.

We have always had an open communication policy with them and were especially thankful to have established that early on with them. Imagine if that thought had been only internalized? He would have been out the door as soon as his immature 18 year old legs could have carried him.

So now we homeschool. Pray for me please! But, I do this with peace because if we want them to love their faith they have to choose it for themselves, and as parents we need to provide the best situation for them to do so.

Catherine—you may find this article of Fr. Longenecker’s helpful:

http://www.dwightlongenecker.com/Content/Pages/Articles/riskofeducationNew.asp

It’s about taking teens’ questions and concerns seriously, and how to help them have their OWN faith instead of one forced on them.  Sorry about the lousy format—it used to be on the Crisis site, but ever since the latest redesign I’ve had trouble finding older articles there!

I remember a priest lovingly recalling a visit to one of the families in our parish. It seemed that the nightly rosary was not to one of the little one’s liking. This child was probably 2 or 3. She wanted to be with the family but would not participate. The father banished her to her room, alone, until she was “ready to say the rosary with her family”. The little girl was brought back after an hour, sniffling and tear stained when she had had enough “alone time”. I was horrified, frankly. More appalled that the priest interpreted this action as loving behaviour on the part of the parents and that he used this as an example of how to raise your child within a Catholic household. I’m sure there are plenty of parents who feel this is perfectly fine, I’m not one of them.

Argh, it ate my post.

I can’t speak as a parent of an older child (we’re still waiting on our first - please come out now!) but I can speak as a former older child of parents (a couple half Catholic, half “spiritual person”) where we went to Mass on Sundays when we weren’t out of town, said grace before dinner when we were little, and went to CCD. No family or (open) personal prayer, no talking about faith, no attempts to put a perspective on secular society. So probably not a surprise that all three of us bolted as teens. My sisters are still lazy atheists who say stuff like “I don’t believe in God, I believe in Science.” The surprise is probably that I came back (and my husband just decided to convert! On Sunday!).

So based on the rule of negatives I would say:
1. Catechism. Make sure your kids understand what you/the family believes in.
2. Mean it. Don’t just go through the motions and expect it to stick. Have a relationship with God and let your children see it and share in it.
3. Don’t be afraid to do some anti-spin on what your kids are soaking up from TV/magazines/friends/the internet tubes.

We were “forced” to do other things as “family time” (hiking, camping, stuff like that) - and my parents were passionate about those things and really truly enjoyed them (and TOGETHER). Ironically, we are all nature fiends. The difference with church was that it was hypocritical, boring, and a source of division for my parents. So mandatory is not necessarily the problem.

My children are still young, but I am one of seven. All of us our still faithful Catholics and the faith is the foundation of each of our lives.

The things that worked:

1. My parents evangelized us. Not just catechized. We had family prayer time, family mass attendence, lots of religious reading, etc. That was important, but my parents also shared their conversion stories (they were cradle Catholics who had deep conversions in their twenties), they shared about their own spiritual lives, and expressedly prayed with us individually for the Holy Spirit to come into our own lives.

2. They gave us as much freedom as possible in non-moral areas. I might not have been allowed to watch certain movies, but I never had a curfew. That kind of thing. They really understood how difficult it is for a teen to be “different” because of their faith and did their best to help us get through that time by allowing us freedoms other teens might not have. As long as we maintained their trust, of course.

3. They admitted their sins and sought forgiveness. If mom lost her patience and temper and yelled like a crazy woman, she apologized. And then she went to confession, with all of us in tow, and let us know that she sought forgiveness in confession. This was very powerful. Mom had to go to this outside third party to find forgiveness. It let us know that we were all equal in the ultimate moral sense, which I think is very important to teens. It also let us know that there is always forgiveness. I don’t expect my kids to be saints - at least not right off! They will sin and make mistakes.I just want them to know how to pick themselves back up. They will only learn if they see me doing it, too.

My family is such a mixed bag of relationships and stages of faith, that we don’t and can’t fall into any neatly defined categories. I, (convert, eight years) have seven kids (some are adults now, three Catholic, two of those converts and the youngest raised Catholic), and married my husband (cradle Catholic) five years ago. (If you don’t have that straight, don’t worry, just writing it strained my synapses into spasms).
Our requirements for religious activity are small. Sunday mass and mealtime prayers for all. For the Catholics, add holy day masses and meatless/sacrificial act on Fridays.  We remind about confession for the older ones, but leave it as their responsibility. We answer questions on religion/Catholicism and have discussions when they arise.
The biggest and most difficult thing we do and that is a “rule” is to live a faithful life before our kids. We insist upon honesty, treating others with kindness and dignity, and respect for God and for our beliefs. We do not discourage any honest questions. We hope that they observe the strength and charity we derive from knowing Jesus. We believe that their presence at mass puts them in the Real Presence of Jesus each week, and trust that being near Him is not something a person can walk away from untouched.
And mostly we love them to the very very best of our ability, trying to show them sacrificial love and its power.

Our children are 23, two at 21 and 17.  By the grace of Gad they are all still in the Church as well as drug-free and fornication- free. (Didn’t want to say sex-free since they are actually male and female.) “And so having a close relationship in the first place is essential to achieving the balance between respecting your child and teaching him good habits.” This is the key line and has been the key in our family. It takes time and energy to develop a true relationship. It means not just dragging them through our life with us, but participating in their lives with them, really participating, not sitting on the phone during dance class or reading a book during t-ball practice. Communicating has also helped our family build that relationship. I have a post on Catholicmom.com called “Family Communication” that shares how this has built great relationships in our family. (Please pardon the self-promotion.) Just like we are conscience of how we interact with adults so we don’t ruin relationships, we also have to remember our children are little adults who deserve the same effort on our part.

Excellent; well said. As a mom of 9 this column would have been a great help, since I had nothing really to model after.  Keep up the great work!

Attend weekly Mass, serve others and some participation in a faith formation class or youth group is our teen requirement. We have adopted a less is more attitude and it has worked for us. Our kids (ages 18,16,14) ask us to take them to Confession, ask to say the rosary together as a family and look for ways to volunteer at camps or religious education of younger kids. They prefer friends with similiar faith inspired lifestyles.
I’m not saying this is the way for everyone, and I’m not saying we have it perfect here- as a matter of fact, we are consumers of professional counsellors for serious other issues. No arguments with these boys about Mass attendance. I have let them feel like they were in charge of aspects of their faith formation (even going so far as to asking them if they felt they were ready to receive Confirmation, etc. without assuming).

My family of 7 children, only 4 still practice and at least 6 of the 7, including myself, fell away from the church for some period of time. To ensure this doesn’t happen to my own children I have put a lot of thought into why it happened to my siblings. I think the answer for us was community and as Simcha pointed out, communication with the parents. We had none of those. We weren’t homeschooled but had NO other catholic friends. We were the biggest family in town. Our parish was too ‘liberal’ for my parents tastes and we were not allowed to be involved with our peers there. Our friends at school weren’t Catholic so we weren’t allowed to form deep friendships there. We felt very secluded and honestly, until I met my husband, had no idea that there are troves of young adults and teens who practice their faith.
Now as a parent of young children I make sure to listen to them every time they talk to me to the best of my ability so they will always feel comfortable talking to me. We are involved with other Catholic families with children the same age as mine and in our parish so that our children will hopefully never feel they are secluded in their faith.
Lastly, the teaching them the Catechism. Growing up, it was we do it this way because that’s how its done. No reasons were given as to why the Church teaches one thing or another. The Catholic Church has the answers, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask the questions.

I’ll just add as a mother of two young adults and two adolescents that in addition to participating in sacraments and daily prayer together since they were babies, we also participate in works of mercy together.  Currently the six of us are the entire St. Vincent de Paul Society conference for our parish, and it’s been great to see them step up as they’ve gotten driver’s licenses to take on this ministry as siblings without their Dad or me going with them on deliveries each time.  This isn’t the only service, obviously, but it’s been a really important one.

Perhaps it’s just my kids, but they’ve really embraced being different from the dominant culture.  We talk a lot about Christ and St. Paul and how they see difference; being Catholic means being different.  My 19 year old son say, “you can’t be cool and be Catholic.”  He’s incredibly cool, but he obviously means that by secular standards we can’t be doing those things that pull us away from Christ.

This is a subject close to my heart. My family (mom, dad, 5 kids) converted when I was 12. We all had the choice about converting, but we were expected to be together on Sunday. I suppose my father would have dropped us off at the Episcopalian church as well if one or more decided not to convert- but as it happened all of us are practicing Catholics married to Catholics with Catholic kids

All of Simcha’s points are so important- communal prayer as part of the routine plus random family fun

Thanks, Simcha, for writing this!  Your parents’ approach sounds wise to me.  Now that you bring it up, and thinking of my own teenage years, you’re right that improper reception of communion can be a very real issue, and a strong argument against too much parental heavy-handedness.  I like Jennifer’s suggestion of doing works of mercy together, too.

My oldest is 11 and we have been blessed that my wife and I shared our faith with him from his birth.  He witnessed his mother and father pray together and share in our faith together.  We have have been blessed with three children and all have/are going through the same learning experience.  We pray every night as a family and prayer, has become a regular routine, family event, in our home.  Our oldest is now in middle school, which will present us with new challenges in his independence and involvement in the secular world.  My wife and I will await for what the Lord has ready for us.  But, I know that we have done our best, with the Lords guidance to prepare our children and to Love God.  Not sure if this answers the question posted, however, we , the parents must truly have faith in God that no matter what we have done or do, God has His plans for His children which He entrusted to us temporarily.

All of the answers both mimic the family I came from and the family I am raising.  I am 9 of 10 children that includes a priest (youngest brother), homeschooling Mom of 11 (me) and a spectrum of both practicing Catholics, practicing Christians (not Catholic) and two no longer attending any Church (one of whom is a former Ba’hai).  My dh is the youngest of five and the most openly Catholic in his family.

It is interesting that both the priest and myself are the youngest in the family while the two no longer in the Church are the oldest.  As the ‘babies of the family’ we were the only ones in the house full-time when my parents discovered both Marriage Encounter and the Charismatic movement.  God will work when/where He will.  What changed for my parents most was they became much open about their faith, from conversations we had to the music we listen to and an overall joyful in all things.

So much so, I headed off to Franciscan U. where I met my dh (his parents had discovered the Charismatic Renewal at the same time).  Now, we are raising our crew (ages 24-4) w/ two religious vocations.  The lessons we learned from our parents and our years at Franciscan was not the Charismatic practices so much, but the joy of a faith discussed, prayed and lived with your whole mind, heart and soul. 

That is the lesson my dh and I continue every day.  Celebrating with God for all the joys and relying on him for the sorrows and knowing He is the perfect source of both.  One thing we do, that neither of our parents did, is completely, totally and vocally rely on the Holy Family to help us raise our crew. 

Raising a holy family is not unlike the charism of a religious order - every one will be a bit different from the other but all focused on serving God.  Some holy families will find their path w/ a daily Rosary and Mass done with love and joy while others will find it in a movement such as Opus Dei.  The bottom line is that you and your spouse must decide you want one and then ask God to watch over it and show you His path.

For example, every evening during evening prayers that we say with any/all the kids who are home, one prayer we say is “Jesus, Mary and Joseph make us a Holy Family” (repeated 3x).  While we are not quite ‘holy’ I can affirm that we are actively trying!

We have 12 children ages 40-17.  We began praying nightly at 8p.m when our oldest was 5.  I think it is “how you pray” that keeps them coming.  We explained the ‘Our Father’ to them as the way Jesus taught us to pray… so We go from youngest to oldest (including mom and dad)and we 1-praise God, 2-Thank God 3-ask forgiveness 4-petition God 5-ask for protection for ourselves and/or others…. after everyone has voiced his thoughts, we say the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be for “a true and lasting faith, greater devotion to the Blessed Sacrament, and for vocations in our family”    We always pray at 8pm we turn out the lights, light a candle (light of Christ), and settle comfortably to pray… everyone is different, and the things we pray for are unique to us or to those who have asked for us to pray for them… it is also a time to ask forgiveness for the things we have done, such as shout angrily when the milk carton was left out all day and it is too late to go to the store etc.etc.  I think it is most important that children SEE and HEAR their parents pray.  and to hear a dad ask God to help him at work, or for the man on the street he was not able to help himself. to hear him pray for his children and to hear him thank God for the gifts He has given…. No one is excused from being at prayer IF they are at home.(sports,etc sometimes keep some away)  They don’t have to pray.. but must say “amen” (as an affirmation to the other’s prayers).  At some point, there will be “amens”  and that is fine, sometimes I have said them myself… Now, the children and grandchildren keep the family prayer alive and on Christmas What a gift to hear each one praise God in their own way!  If you live under our roof, you will be at Mass on Sunday.  You don’t have to like it, but you will be there!  because, you will be nourished from the Eucharist and the community of believers even if you don’t remember what went on!  same with praying together…  Ask yourself the question: What did you eat for supper on the 2nd tuedsay of last month?  can’t remember?  NO, but your body was nourished!  and so is your soul by attendance at Mass…...

In case I was misunderstood (I seem to have been the first to have raised the issue of children), my objection was to mandatory prayers IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, where you can be sure that no prayer potentially offensive to, for example, the Masonic Great Architect of the Universe will be offered up. 

In that case, there are at least 3 considerations:

1. Can the sincerity and orthodoxy of the prayers be insured?  [Clearly not]
2. Will the prayers produce desirable spiritual effects in the children?  [Maybe, maybe not]
3. Is it fitting for the state to engage in religious education?  [Maybe in some places, but not here, for at least the first 2 reasons.  But ideally this is a job for the “First Teachers”, the parents.]

My understanding is that the Catholic position (maybe it’s decisive enough to be a “teaching”, I’m not sure) is that the fittingness of state endorsement of the Church depends on how thoroughly Catholic the nation is.  We are a long way from meeting that criterion.

In spite of all the above, I’m ambivalent.  It seems that the state should always side with the Truth.  This all falls under the rather new, and I think still evolving context of religious freedom—which ultimately means the freedom to embrace the Truth.

In our family, family prayer was an on-again, off-again fad, which happened so randomly and was so short it made no particular impression.  What bowled me over, however, was the fact that if I entered my parents’ room too early in the morning, I was sure to interrupt them praying together on their knees every single day.  They would stop, turn to me and smile, and ask me to wait a few minutes until they were done.  That memory of them praying together remained in my mind throughout my youth and young adulthood, and was worth, by far, the 18 years of catechesis I never got otherwise.

I am one who believes that the teachings of God’s word to our children should be the responsibility of the parents, 100%. The teachings of God are not limited to a few chosen, as a faithful follower of the Lord it is my responsibility to evangelize the truth (the word of the Lord) not only to and through our children, but also to all those with whom God puts me in contact with.  With that said, would it not be a wonderful action to have children learn about faith through the actions of other children.  What a great form of passing on God’s word by praying for thanksgiving before eating a school lunch.  What an example for a child to be grateful for what has been given to him or her.  Would that not be something we can all agree would be a great lesson?  Humility!

A wise mother of 10 grown all devout Catholics told me once that she and her dh would pray the rosary (most) every night around 8p.  They’d sit in the front room and if a child wanted to join they could, if not, no biggie.  She joked that the easiest way to clear a room of bad attitude teens, was to say they were going to say a rosary. When I was a turned 16 my dad would ask me if I wanted to join him for MAss, instead of telling me to “Get up.  We’re going to Mass.”  Sometimes I went, sometimes I didn’t.  I don’t know if I’d recommended that approach, but it worked with me and my brothers.

We’ve gone all over the board with our six. In addition to much of what has already been posted, we try to celebrate feast days in the Church calendar.  Like yesterday on the Queenship of Mary we had a lovely cake for dessert. I try to balance any perceived “boringness” of regular Mass with the fun stuff ;-) I sincerely believe that faith is a gift, so I pray that my children will be open to receiving it.  I’ve told them that I can’t make them care what s happening in Mass, but I can “make” them be respectful to those around them who are interested.  I’ve also tried to cultivate my personal faith life -  that it’s God’s problem to convert my children’s heart.  Certainly I must do my part, love God, love my family, teach the faith, take them to the sacraments, but in the end, it’s between them and God.  I mostly have peace and don’t worry too much about whether they will accept and practice the faith - they will, in their/God’s time.

I love my parents and I don’t want to say they did everything all wrong, but they did everything all wrong. They were converts to Catholicism from some really whacky Protestant cult, but conversion didn’t change their style. I remember my dad trying to teach my sisters and I to spontaneously chant “Praise you Jesus! Praise you Lord”! while he prayed the overarching prayer. We refused and we were all under 10. I laugh about it now, but I remember wanting to kill him in a very unChristian-like manner.

My kids (10 and 12) are in RCIC classes now and will join the Church at the Easter Vigil. I wasn’t intending to raise them in any religion, but they had so many questions I realized that I did not have 2000 years of history at my disposal and that we should probably join the Church. Protestantism was out of the question, so Catholicism it was. My kids aren’t wide-eyed and pious, but they are genuinely interested and when I asked them if they would take classes as a favor to me, they agreed so willingly that I was touched. And I think that’s what made the difference. I gave them a choice and let them know how much it meant to me. We’ll see what happens through their teenage years, but I think we are on a good path.

I don’t believe in forcing but I do think children benefit from and deserve opportunities for quiet prayer so as a parent it is my responsibility to organize and provide this.  I think children should be acquainted with all of the practices of the Church for this, from communal prayer at Mass to reciting the rosary to spending time with the Lord at Adoration to lectio divina to just being with the Lord.  From what I have observed, children are very happy with this.  My sense is that little children themselves are quite close to God and so prayer is something that comes easily. 

I was not brought up in a situation that set aside time for a family rosary, nor did I memorize any prayers as a child.  I recognize that if it is too forced, or the situation isn’t affirming to the child, or if it is just by rote, then it is not prayer.  I suppose since I never knew any of that I do not operate that way in my household.  That said I think we have gone too far in neglecting children’s needs to pray and have forgotten that the family that prays together stays together.  It could be a chaplet of the Divine Mercy.  It could be a decade of the rosary.  And it certainly can deepen one’s prayer life, knowledge and wisdom to learn some prayers by heart, many are quite beautiful and convey such hope.

Even public schools offer mindful meditation or transcendental meditation, yoga, breathing.  This of course is not at all to be equated with what is possible for a Catholic who prays but when Catholic schools start to cut out prayer opportunity for children, or parish doesn’t recognize that children benefit from quiet time with the Lord then something is wrong about the way we address our children’s overall needs.

Nicely put.

Dear Ms. Fisher I have to laugh because most of these pushy parents who want the catechism have serious psychological issues about having a SERIOUS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. It is all about reading a book and I doubt there is serious depth.  It is about itchy clothes with them still so that is what they teach their kids.  And there goes the next generation of well…  take it from there. 

Get to the heart of the matter people. Give your kids a journal and tell them to draw or write a letter to God. 

But that is not on the words of the Catechism is it or is that in the next argie about it?  Get tested folks,  you have issues.  Is God real to you in a personal way?

I think your insights are wonderful, Simcha.  I am the only Christian out of the three adult children in my family, and I think it’s largely because of the painful level of hypocrisy in our family.  Our parents were very involved at church, but one of them was an angry alcoholic.  The other parent did some solid in-home teaching, but it wasn’t enough to offset the lack of relationship and lack of honesty.  I also wondered if no one at church noticed how messed up our family was . . . and it was very painful to feel like maybe nobody cared enough to ask what was wrong at our house. 
Now, with our children, we try our best to enjoy our children, ask forgiveness when we mess up, read the Bible together every day, and be an example of what we “preach” to them.  I know that any of those things would’ve helped my brother and sister enormously.

Simcha, my children are around your children’s ages so I don’t have that wisdom coming from having raised children to adulthood.  I love your insights and agree with them and would like to just share one thing that I have observed in my own children.  I have chosen to take the “inviting” tactic with my children from a very young age.  When we go to Mass, we all go together, and no one has ever expressed a desire not to go, but if a small child is not wanting to sit in the pew, I don’t make her sit or punish her if she can’t.  I make a point of keeping positive associations with holy things.  If the positive association is good memories of walking around in the foyer exploring, then so be it.  I have found that all of my children begin *wanting* to participate, at first sporadically, or in a very limited way such as just wanting to be near, but then consistently.  If I say, “Hey girls, I’m praying a chaplet of Divine Mercy; does anyone want to join?”  they almost always all run out of whatever room they were in and come to join me.  The three-year-old wants to be near, and usually sings to herself or looks at a book or plays her own little game, and I know that sometime she will want to be right in there doing what we are doing.  I just want to make this point to reassure parents of young children; don’t stress about it, just do it and invite them, and they’ll come.  My older girls, 8 and 11, remind me if we haven’t been to Confession in a few weeks, they seem to enjoy Sunday Mass and in fact my 11-year-old told me recently that she’s starting to really understand and enjoy the sermons.  Simcha your point about relationships is so powerful and the key to everything.

It has been very interesting and informative to read commenters’ input so far!

This is all well and good but very involved and complex, like any loving relationship(s)!  In contrast it makes me think of the Islamic tradition as exemplified in this saying of Mohammed:
‘The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Command a boy to pray when he reaches the age of seven years. When he becomes ten years old, then beat him for prayer’
(Partial Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 2: Book 2, Number 0494: Narrated As-Saburah: http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/abudawud/002.sat.html#002.0494)

But Muslims view themselves as slaves of God.  Christians are sons and daughters of God, and you can’t beat a son to compel his love.  (In the Prodigal son, the father lets his son go and see for himself why he needs a father’s love…..)

I agree with the idea of inviting and fostering relationships.  Growing up the forced prayer created resentment and not good results. What was missing was a genuine relationship with God share by my parents.  Of all the ways we can bring our kids to God it is our actions that have the greatest impact.

The story about about the 2 or 3 yr old being forced into family rosary was sad.  It happens too much from what I see.  Let’s remember children are children and we should not expect them to have adult spiritual maturity.

When we do First Saturdays we usually have root beer floats or popcorn and a movie afterwards and the younger children are allowed to stay up late. It makes the whole experience fun. Plus we are all old enough to understand the Spiritual benefits of praying and going to Mass. Saying the Rosary together nearly every day has just become a part of our routine. We older kids have also independently branched out with extra prayers that we say before bed.

My oldest (not 8 1/2) was five when my husband joined the Church.  Being rather precocious, she really struggled (and still does) with going to Mass.  That attitude tends to trickle down to the younger ones.  She used to make comments about how when she grew up she wasn’t going to go to Church or that she was going to become Baptist (like her grandmothers).  I told her that would have be her decision when she is an adult, but as long as she is a child I have to answer to God for the state of her soul.

We attend Mass weekly.  I try to remember to pray before dinner.  We go over God-inspired character values.  We our homeschool religious education I try to find the fine line between the academic and the personal relationship aspects of the faith.  I try to discuss things after Mass each week and answer questions when they come up.  But we don’t say the Rosary or a host of other things that more perfect Catholic families do.

I hope that when my kids are grown they will see how much I tried…tried to know, love, and serve God and how much I tried to teach them to do the same.  When discussing this with another Mom recently she quoted yet another mom who told her:  “You might not be able to do anything to keep your kids from leaving the Church, but maybe you can give them the things they need to one day come back.”

I was raised as a “GrandMa’s in Town” catholic.  Not badly catechized, instead, NOT catechized.  Is it any wonder that after my parent’s divorce (and anullment) and my dad’s second marriage (in the church), and mom on her third marriage (outside the church) to a bar-buddy, while living with her boyfriend (and her ‘husband’ living with his girlfriend),  that I decided it was ok to live with someone elses husband?? 

Thanks be to God, that somewhere in that mess, I **KNEW** that Jesus was real, he founded one church, and was truely present in the Eucharist.  Add 15 years, and I had to come home, add another 10, and my husband (yes, the same one in the last paragraph) is now Catholic. 

But of 6 siblings, I’m practicing, one’s flirting, and the other 4…  not yet… 

Pray, pray, pray,
Live the faith,
Truth in Love,
Bite your tounge when necessary, 

and stay out of the way when God calls them!

The only things my parents insisted on was going to Mass every Sunday and on Holy Days, fasting during Lent, and CCD up through confirmation. Then, it was between us and God. No prayers, no talking about praying when you have problems, no relationship with God, etc.

Looking at my parents’ spiritual upbringing, maybe they felt like they got too much? I wonder if they raised us Catholic just because? Mom went to 12 yrs of Catholic school and I think was a little turned off? Dad was raised by a VERY devout mother (and a father who did what his wife said) and so he might have been just raising us in the faith because of guilt. I don’t know what would have happened had we not lived near my dad’s parents.

In any event, I’ve always been active in church, went to a Catholic college, etc. My brother—weddings and funerals only. How did we become total opposites with parents in the middle?

God Bless You All.

I love the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd method due to this very issue of how to catechize.  It essentially provides the child a prepared environment to learn about God’s gifts, mostly through liturgy/scriptures.  Once the child perceives the gifts they make their own spontaneous decision to return heartfelt love and gratitude to the giver and recognize all of the Giver’s tools (the community of both church militant, potential, expectant and triumphant…for that matter the sun, the moon and the stars.)  Even the children who don’t want to see (because they are used to being pushed around.) will listen to the lessons that other children get and start whispering their responses under their breath.  The catechist is responsible for preparing the environment, giving the truths and allowing for the freedom to respond.  The more holy we are, the more we submit ourselves to wanting to understand and trust that everything God does for us or allows us to be subjected to is the gift of a Loving Father.

Perhaps the “too much” of the generations from the ‘50’s and following was the over intellectualizing of our spiritual lives.  We tried to feet too much rich food too quickly?  When it was obvious that this was not working, the new order of DRE’s did the same thing but watered it down to their own poorly formed imgages to what they thought was palatable but by then it was unfaithful to Rome and a wilting shadow of what catechesis should have been.

Love your work,

B

It seems to me that the most important thing is that parents are sincere, faithful believers.
In his childhood my friend developed a deep hatred to prayer and church, and it took him a long time to get rid of it.
His parents were not bad people. But they forced him to pray every evening with his grandma while they were watching tv and eating snacks. They attended church only for Christmas and Easter, but for him Sunday mass was obligatory. And they prayed before meal only when someone visited them ...

Thank you for your article. My children are young, 4,3, and 1, all lovely ladies.  I do think there is one peice missing from your article and from the comments, which were also enlightening.  Service, outreach to the poor, teaching our children that the blessings we have been given to share.  We put ourselves behind the needs of others both within the home and in the larger community.  I was raised in the faith and went to Catholic school.  Because of finances and the changing models of Catholic education in our area, we are choosing to send our oldest to public school next year for Kindergarten.  I am anxious and excited to see how, I believe, this will enliven her faith.  To meet and be friends with children of all faiths and no faith, to see faith life as a choice to be made for the glory of God.  But overarchingly, my husband and I are hoping to pass on the faith through our actions of solidarity with the poor and suffering… Just how we do that, is a constant conversation in my head and in our marriage!

Barbara C., I admire your efforts to raise your children to love the Lord in His Church.  I would be careful that your “precocious” 8 yr old is not acutally being rude or disrespectful.  As “precocious” as she may be, she does not have the wisdom and experience of her parents.  God gave her parents to guide and instruct her and she must realize this, even if she disagrees.  She must also realize that her behavior and attitude (in all areas, not just church!) will be eagerly soaked up by her younger siblings.  She has a duty of respect and obedience to her parents and to set a good example for her younger siblings.  This, as we say, is a “teaching moment”...
You are making the effort to say family prayers - don’t give up!  I hope your husband can participate.  Encourage your bright 8 yr. old to ask questions - if you don’t know the answers, look it up together.  There are no perfect Catholic families.  May God bless your efforts and sincere heart.  Our Lord’s goodness and mercy always make up for what we lack!  God bless you and your family!

My parents did just about everything wrong and half assed, and out of eight of us, one is a priest, four are married, two are divorced, one is still single and all are practicing Catholics, most are daily communicants.

Here’s what they didn’t do:  make us say the rosary, do family prayers other than a “mid meal” prayer, insist on only Catholic schools and forbid us from hanging out with our sullen, druggie, teenage angst ridden Catholic or non Catholic friends.

Here’s what they did do: They loved EACHOTHER and loved the CHURCH.  They never put her down.  They made us go to Sunday Mass (as long as we lived at home!) and my mom was a wonderful cook and our home was always open to friends and strangers alike for wonderful discussions about history, music, theology, the Church and geography.  The wine flowed copiously.  I think it was the wine part that sealed the deal.

I’m almost 60 and raised two children to adulthood as atheists. I’m sure the main reason they are atheists is that their parents are, and children tend to believe what their parents believe. From their earliest years, we talked about how we were raised (observant Catholics), why our beliefs changed, and the courtesy due to believing relatives. We’ve told them we don’t mind if they decide to adopt a religious belief, and they are free to discuss it or not discuss it with us. We offered to take them to religious services with their friends if they wanted to go. We never made it an issue inviting rebellion. So far (at 25 and 29) they have no interest in religion. They have chosen partners with similar attitudes.

I was forced to pray in grade school and high school, and my parents forced us to attend mass up through high school. My parents were loving, fun people, and we enjoyed many non-religious activities together as a family. Church stuff was fairly obviously a chore for everybody, including my parents. I believe my parents thought their regime would automatically produce practicing Catholics. Instead we are currently: 1)an atheist, 2) a social Lutheran, and 3) a religiously indifferent person.

I’ll never know if it would have made a difference if someone knowledgeable had been willing to discuss skepticism dispassionately with me when I began questioning Catholicism on intellectual grounds around the age of 12. My parents didn’t know as much as I did about Church teachings and the beliefs of other religions. Religion teachers at school were willing to go on for whole periods about when, exactly, kissing in a car became a sin, but had no interest in discussing the implications of evolution for Original Sin or the similarity between using artificial sweeteners and contraceptives. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference if they had, since my less intellectually-focused siblings still fell away from Catholicism. 

I suppose you would be horrified to know that six years ago, when my mother died, my father made a big emotional deal out of us three siblings receiving communion at her funeral mass, and we agreed to do it, for him. None of us believe in Catholic doctrine anymore, and haven’t received the sacrament of reconciliation since it got that name. I don’t know if he was more concerned that believing relatives and friends would see that we were fallen away, which would reflect on him, or if he simply hoped for a magical spiritual conversion resulting from the reception, or both. Well, appearances were preserved, but nothing else happened. He never was intellectually curious about Church doctrine, and I’m sure he had no idea how our actions would be regarded by better-informed Catholics. Nor does he know that he shouldn’t be keeping my mother’s ashes on the mantel. But I won’t be the one to make it a sin by telling him so.