In these early days of Lent, we can get to feeling pretty holy. The bloom is not yet off the rose. It’s the first week, and our souls are filled to the brim with a bracing combination of pious fervor and healthy humility.
But just how holy are you, really? Here’s a handy quiz to help you keep track of your spiritual state.
1. It’s Ash Wednesday Mass, and it’s so crowded with novelty-seekers that you and your kids can’t find a seat. Do you:
(a) Praise God that you may, all unknowing, be witness to the miracle as the Holy Spirit plants the seeds of faith in the hearts of your fallen-away brethren?
(b) Force yourself to smile and nod at all the strangers busily texting their friends while lounging in what is, after all, not technically your pew?
(c) Wait until there’s a loud hymn to hiss at your husband, “THAT’S the hag who almost backed over the kids in the parking lot! We’ll take her spot in a minute—she’s only here for the ashes, you watch.”
2. You’re fasting. Do you:
(a) Send your entire food budget to Calcutta, and subsist only on whatever moisture you can lick of the walls of the tomb of your patron saint, the Venerable Scrupe?
(b) Eat two small meals which, put together, would not equal one meal, and then eat a third, normal meal?
(c) Eat two small meals which, put together, would not equal one meal, and then eat six gallons of ravioli, nine large hunks of olive oil-drenched garlic bread, and a mountain of salad with enough creamy caesar to float a battleship? And then some more garlic bread? And then some MORE garlic bread? And stay up until midnight, so you can have seconds on ravioli?
3. You made it to Mass on Friday, and guess what? You got suckered again: it’s the folk Mass. Do you:
(a) Remember an uplifting article you read once and use the opportunity to recall our unworthiness before God?
(b) Do your best to sing along with the less-ludicrous music, and offer up the rest?
(c) Briefly consider doing a little extracurricular work at the local Santería club, so you can lay down some bad juju on that BANJO PLAYER. I mean, for the love of mike, a BANJO?
4. It’s the first Friday in Lent, and you’ve already failed several times at your chosen penance. Do you:
(a) Beg God to reveal to you even more of your flaws before you die, because, while you have already earned all the indulgences you need for yourself, you could use this opportunity to start on the souls of your co-workers?
(b) Sigh, pray for mercy and strength, and try, try again?
(c) Blame your stupid jerk husband?
If you answered mostly (a), then you are pretty durn holy. What are you doing here reading this twaddle, when you could be converting your old socks into scapulars for the homeless?
If you answered mostly (b), then you’re an American Catholic. Hang in there, friend—you’re doing a good job.
If you answered mostly (c), then you are Simcha Fisher.
In conclusion, I would like to say: Please quit sending me emails saying, “You are an inspiration to me.” Unless you want to be inspired about how to eat more garlic bread.
Comments
Post a Comment
Simcha, your willingness to admit your faults and failures is… well, all I can say is that you are an inspiration to me. ;-)
Simcha,
You made me laugh on a day that I didn’t think I could laugh. Thanks.
Answer A for Question 2 is not holiness strictly but is the Evangelical Counsel of poverty lived by some consecrated people, for even consecrated people do not all practice the Counsels to the same degree.
ROFL!
Yeah, it’s the first Friday in Lent and I already fell off the wagon in regards to my abstinence from chocolate. (Yes, I tell myself, chocolate milk counts.) Does it make me holier that I didn’t stock up on non-chocolate candy at the grocery store to get me through Lent? Because that would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? Or so I told myself virtuously. Now I’m jonesing for some Sour Patch Kids.
Tears in my eyes @ Question 3, Answer A. ;D
You’re not going to believe me but when I found myself at the folk mass of a nearby parish that isn’t our parish I did actually recall your article and tried to remember my flawed worship before God. That lasted until the Psalm when I *may* have sighed audibly. Things got worse when I actually giggled during the absurd rendering of the Our Father. I mean really.
Simcha - I love you! These all made me laugh… #2 made me guffaw (is that the right word?) so loud my kids came running over to look at the computer screen, shouting, “what’s so funny?! what’s so funny?!”
Ok - now STOP being so funny or I’ll have to give you up for Lent.
Harumph.
Where’s the question about fishtailing it out of the parking lot after daily Mass (part of your be-a-holier-person-for-once-just-this-one-Lent plan) because all the retired people with no where particular to go after church have ridden your last nerve with their slow poke ways and now you’re late for work and the day is ruined? (GREAT post btw)
Hahhahahahahah, pretty funny and sad at the same time. Anyway, thanks for your wit and wisdom.
Ebeth
http://acatholicmumclimbingthepillars.blogspot.com
I tried going to Ash Wednesday mass over my “lunch” break at work at a church I hadn’t been to before. Ugh. Mass was at 9, and it was the school mass, so really, I shouldn’t have hoped for much, but ugh. It was 9:25, and we were still processesing up one-at-a-time to write our sins on tissue paper to be burned and mixed with the palm ashes. Ugh. I couldn’t devote 2 hours of my work day to mass, so I left.
I went to my parish that evening and was greeted by a wonderful, reverent mass. I thanked our pastor afterwards for the mass and recounted my experiences earlier. He responded, “Oh, I hate that sh…” before trailing off. The rest of the gaggle around him all broke into rousing gratitude as well.
I’d much holier if there weren’t others around.
Well, at least it wasn’t an accordian. Played badly. At the Easter Vigil. No fooling, really happened
I’m in there with Simcha
Thanks, Simcha, for continuing to remind us that we are to live with *joy* and humility. God obviously has a sense of humor, and we are made in His image. :)
I bet it’s pretty unholy to blame your children for your failings, right? Because I have three three and under and my brain is gone. GONE. Like, say I am at the grocery store and get SO EXCITED because fish, which is usually sooooooo expensive, is remarkably on sale and I buy a whole mess of it and then get home and proudly serve the frugal-yet-scrupmtious meal to the family and my husband says, “Oh, are we going to church, too?” and you nod serenely and try to look very holy when you know durn well that it wasn’t holiness at all, just thrift? And that you didn’t even remember it was Ash Wednesday at all until that very moment? *fail*
Once I was an “A” but then I got married and had children.
Simcha, did the Saints know they were saintly? Would I be holy if I proclaim myself to be?
May God reward you, Simcha! I needed a good laugh! I was worried that at the end of your article I was going to get told how awful I was! I wish my holier-than-the-pope friends could read your article but then they would write you off anyway…....btw, I majored in Theology at FUS so I tend toward the more reverent way Catholicism…
I would love to see an early draft of anything you write, if they existed. Is this what your mind creates in the first draft? Whenever I need a laugh, I go to your blog.
First good laugh I’ve had all day. You DO inspire me, sorry to say…and not to eat garlic bread…I don’t need any inspiration in that dept!
Mary S - - right there with you on Question 3, Answer A. Great job, Simcha!
very very perfect- am I too old to say “LOL” ?!
Simcha, I’ve been wondering for a while, since I’ve finished her biography: do you read and enjoy Flannery O’Connor?
Love this post; it’s very humorous and true! I guffawed a little. :)
Finished a pack of cigs halfway through Wednesday. Bought a pack of cigs halfway through Thursday. Trying to be happy my family is still alive… Thank you for this meaningful post. Should we sing, “You’ll Never Walk Alone?”
Harumph.
And, did I mention, that you are such an inspiration to me (as is your husband, the pirate, with the one eyeyeye).
most of these comments made me laugh, thanks
I mostly answered “A” then I went to Confession, did my penance, and then correctly answered “C” to all of the above. I think we were separated at birth.
P.S. I play the banjo.
P.P.S. Yes, really.
P.P.P.S. Harumph
My piety and humility almost beat out my curiosity for reading your article. After all, how holy could someone be if they need to take a quiz? Must get back to converting my socks to scapulars.;)
Simcha, you’re my favorite. (There, I didn’t say you inspired me, see?)
Today, we are all Simcha Fisher. Wonderful post! And lovely photograph of you.
I’ll admit this is funny, and true. But it’s also very sad. Holiness is portrayed here as works-based. In the Bible, it is written that all our good works are like “dirty rags” to God, Who is perfect. It’s the heart that counts. Only God knows our heart. No amount of ‘indulgences’ - a hold-over from days of the Pharisees - will cut the mustard to Him.
Oh for heaven’s sake, CC, if you’re going to start proof-texting a lighthearted article like this, then go read James’ epistle. Geez.
To Cradle Catholic: if you insist on assuming that I had a point when writing this, then, yeah, that was kind of the point: the B’s have their hearts in the right place, whereas the A’s are just trying to do well on the quiz. (The C’s, however, could use your prayers.)
Thank you. I needed that
Simcha - We could all use prayer, in order for our faith to grow. I do have a sense of humor - and I have read James, so I know faith without works is dead.
With that said, sadly I have been asked on numerous occasions, and friends have been asked the same question throughout their lives (a local priest even voiced it in a recent homily!) “Are Catholics Christian?”
Even the boys on Catholic Answers admit to having been asked that. It’s not our behavior as much as we are put into question due to our beliefs.
For this to be such a common question beckons us to be aware of the matters of eternal value regarding our faith. While there is a place for light-heartedness in our faith, I believe it is only in knowing we are living under God’s grace, and as such, we are called upon to give that grace to others.
Thus, the burden for our flaws and failings has been lifted from us, given we accept Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross as payment for our own personal sins, and as a result, we have been sealed by the Holy Spirit, and preserved by Jesus for life with Him in Heaven. Now if that doesn’t make light hearts in us - I don’t know what will!! Happy weekend to all!
True, we are NOT saved by works; BUT
- Jesus said “Not everyone who says to me ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the Kingdom, but he who does the will of my Father;
- Jesus told the story of the rich man and the beggar in Luke’s gospel;
- Jesus told of the Last Judgment in Matt: 25, 31-46.
Some actions are needed for our salvation, if we have the opportunities described above to take care of our “brother”.
TeaPot562
btw, loved the alternatives that Simcha posed on the top of the blog.
thank you simcha. the nurses at the nurses station on the pediatric wing are wondering why i’m doubled over laughing at the thought of answer 3c.
TeaPot562 - Who exactly was Jesus referring to, when He said not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord…” - what did those people do in His Name, and based on what they said they were doing, who do you think they were? I ask, because they most definitely thought they were holy, and most importantly, most everyone else would have thought they were holy too. Applying that verse to today, who do you think Jesus’ words would apply to?
Lighten up, Francis.
Thanks for the laugh and thought.
Simcha:
In every single post you have at least (but usually only) one person is just does NOT see the humor. Do you think maybe its the same person just harassing you? Because it’s starting to not make sense that you can have such earnest, well-meaning readers who try to suck the air out of the room with the hope that it will save the souls of the rest of your readers.
Our example should be the children of Fatima not the beach slobs from Fast Times at Ridgemont high! Our Blessed Lord did not say “I was bored so you entertained me” in the beatitudes not by lip-worship, but by prayer, penance, reparation, by rekindling in our consciences the Justice of God, and by emblazoning before our eyes the Christ of Judgment in order that all of us, Jews, Protestants, and Catholics may, by a rebirth of the moral law, save America and salvage the world. Let us not fool ourselves ! Nothing short of contrition and humiliation before the Lord of the Universe can save us: unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it. Unless the Lord keep the city, he ratchets in vain that keeps it” (Psalms 126:1).
St. Thomas More said that it is possible to live for the next life and yet be merry in this one.
Two questions. a.) Who is Simcha Fisher and b.) why is she here?
a.) Who gives a fig? TWPKASF (The Woman Presently Known As Simcha Fisher) is the best thing to happen to Catholic humor since Dennis Miller converted. And that hasn’t even happened. Yet.
b). To turn NCRegister.com into NCOnion.com, to salvific effect. Obviously.
(Instant fan here. Almost do you make me a paying subscriber, Ms F!)
Bzz all the way.
I try to be very private about it.
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.