Poor Obama. Poor, poor Obama. Now that Romney is out-fundraising him hand over fist, these struggles to find money must be giving him flashbacks of those bad old days when he and Michelle had to face the cold, hard world with nothing to their name but their own home, three incomes, no kids, and a matched set of ivy league educations. Brrr. They're probably stocking up on cases of Maruchan Ramen, just out of force of habit.
But seriously, it's no fun to be broke. It's no fun to have to scramble after money. And so, out of the goodness of my heart, I have a few suggestions for Team Obama -- just a short list of ideas to help them make money and rediscover fun. Never mind the terminally lame merchandise offered on the Obama website. Here's some ideas that would really get the dollars rolling in:
Back-to-school blues? For $2,000, Michelle Obama will sneak into your kids' bedroom, rip off their blankets, and shriek, "LET'S MOVE, LET'S MOVE!" until the lazy crumbs get up. For an extra $350, she will wear one of those pretty pink flower costumes like the ladies cheering outside the RNC were wearing.
For $35 the half ounce: Barack Obama Line of Skin Thickener, a topical ointment which can be applied daily, so people who are, like, THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD don't feel the need to tweet pettish comebacks to get revenge on half-demented old actors who say mean stuff on the TV. This is actually Barack Obama's personal tube. Like new condition; never opened.
$10 a pop: The Barack Obama Safety Fork, suitable even for Latinos-who may like to take their time as they dine!
$65 in silver, $120 in gold with genuine Swarovski pavé crystals To woo Catholic voters, devout Catholics Pelosi and Sebelius will team up to design a limited edition T-necklace, like the kind that Catholics wear; except instead of that depressing little metal guy, it will feature the much more upbeat trademark Obama sunrise.
For $6,000, you can have the use of Bush's legacy for a day. Suitable for all your blaming needs. Did you screw up royally? Did you promise the moon, and then just hang around making sure your thumb and your nether regions are well acquainted with each other? Have you noticed that people look at you less adoringly when their lives are in a shambles and it's indisputably, directly, unequivocally your fault? This is where Bush comes in. You can have the rights for 24 hours, but you have to give them back, because Obama will be needing them indefinitely.
For $15,000, you can have a small plaque with your name on it affixed to one of his certified Nobel Peace Prize Winner Drones. Guaranteed to survive impact, these commemorative plaques stand out nicely amid the smoking rubble of civilian homes.
(price varies per job) The Obama 360 Emergency Editorial Service. Want references to God edited out of your platform? They're gone in a flash. Wait -- want them back in again? Easy peasy! There they are. But wait! You don't like the Jews anymore? Jews gone. Oopsie, Jews back in style? You're back in business. With Obama 360, their motto is: "These are our principles! If you don't like them, we have others!"
For five bucks, you can pull Joe Biden's finger.