A reader writes:
I'm a sixteen year old girl [. . .]
For a few years I very much wanted to be a cloistered nun, and read many works and practiced some of the spirituality of different orders. However, for a while now I've felt more like I might be called to marriage (and this began before I met any nice guys ;)), and though I'm only sixteen and a little young to be sure of a call either way, I've been struggling with a problem begun during the years I thought I was going to be a nun. I was very attracted to the idea of Jesus as the bridegroom, as a spouse, and due to my age I fell into a "Jesus-is-my-boyfriend" mindset. Right now I'm having trouble because though I'm not allowed to date I have a very close friend whom I feel I would like to marry someday, and this is shaking up my view of Jesus, which I think was a little warped to begin with. I was wondering if perhaps you could tell me how you, being married, relate to Jesus? My difficulty with the spousal view is that if taken the way I've taken it, it doesn't really leave room for an earthly husband, so I was wondering if you could please tell me how you deal with this.
My first reaction was, "Your idea of Jesus is a little warped? Join the crowd!" I mean, even the disciples who spent years hiking around the middle east with Him sometimes behaved, at various times, as if He were some kind of conquistador, or a magician, or a dupe, or -- oddest of all -- a normal, non-divine person. The only human who probably truly knew Him well was His mother -- and even the two of them seemed to be talking past each other much of the time. Think of the finding in the Temple, or the wedding at Cana.
So really, my nice young reader is ahead of the game. Most of us half-believe we've got Jesus all figured out. We keep Him in a box, like a cricket, and we expect Him to chirp obligingly every time we remember to open the lid. So approaching Him with the understanding that you have a lot to learn? That's a huge hurdle cleared already.
But although my own experience was vastly different from this young lady's, I see the dilemma: we often think that we have a choice of either (a) following God like a nun or something or (b) doing regular things, like getting married. We know, in theory, that marriage is a holy vocation, but it's hard not to imagine being sort of pulled in two directions: who's our favorite, God or husband?
And the truth is, sometimes you do have to choose. Sometimes your husband may want you to do something that is sinful, and then of course you must choose God and pray that your husband eventually comes around.
But in general, if you and your husband are more or less on the same moral page, there is no real dilemma:
We have a relationship with God by having a relationship with our husbands. We serve God by serving our families (and thatgoes for men and women). It's not as if God is sighing and tapping His foot impatiently, waiting for you to quit doing your husband's laundry so you can come clock in at His house for a while. That is how you be His spouse: you do the work of serving your husband . . . and darned if that doesn't bring you closer to God. Nothing delights God more than seeing a husband and wife loving each other.
As I learn how to love my husband (and yes, most people really do have to learn!), what I learn about the nature of love illuminates my relationship with Christ. And as I try to become closer to Christ, what do you know! It turns me into a better wife.
Conversely, the times when I'm on the outs with my husband, I find it hard to pray sincerely: any resentment or sulkiness I feel toward my husband dribbles into my prayer; and when I'm slipping spiritually -- when it's been a long time since I've been to confession, or when I've skipped my morning prayers four days in a row -- then my heart contracts away from my husband, and walls go up.
And that in itself is a revelation. We realize that sins are forbidden not because God is bossy, but because sins are bad for us. We discover that virtues are commanded because they are good for us. Not just bad or good in some kind of eternal scorecard that will be tallied up after we die, but bad or good right here and now, on earth, in marriage: sin makes us unhappy, and virtue makes us happy. (Well, in general. In the long term. There are always exceptions!)
But there is one more thing: there's really no way to get these matters sorted out while it's still theory. You won't know how marriage works when you're sixteen, because you're not married yet (just like, as a twenty-something newlywed, you won't know what twenty years of marriage is like). Furthermore, and more importantly, you can learn and study and understand all you want about marriage, but you may have to throw 90% of what you know out of the window once you realize, for real and true, that you're not just married -- you're married to a specific person. You don't need to know how to be married; you need to learn how to be married to HIM.
And the same is true for Christ. Whether you marry or not, He will show Himself to you, gradually, over time; and you will get to know Him, if you care to, if you dare to. He is not abstract. He is a real man. He's like something in particular, and unlike other things. Being married is one way of finding out what He's like.
Your job as a married woman will be to recognize and honor what is Christlike in your husband, and to help your husband to become more like Christ.
Comments
Post a Comment
Your posts about having perspective from the vantage point of the present are very encouraging, this one included. Thank you for writing.
Advice to your 16 year old reader: Stay a few days with a religious order of your choice. Observe their particular way of living. One key to know if you have a vocation: are you able to live in close community with others of like mind.
All of this is so beautifully stated! Thank you!
Thank you for this article! I’m 23 years old and have been discerning my vocation as well. The past 2 years I’ve really been very attracted to becoming a Bride of Christ. But I would love to be mother too! It’s so hard to reconcile the two desires. I’ve never really dated…so really inexperienced about all this… To your reader, may God Bless you as you continue to discern your vocation! Talk to a spiritual director to help you discern. There is a YouTube video about Vocational discernment by Fr. Jacque Philippe that I found very helpful.
Wow! So beautifully and wonderfully written, Simcha.
Maria, my daughter tells me that, depending on the order, you may end up with more children than you could possibly conceive. May God Bless you and all who are discerning. May God Bless Simcha, her husband, her children, and all those who are blessed by receiving her love.
This is one of the best descriptions and explanations of both sin and marriage I’ve ever read. And all in one short column! Your talent and clear headed writing are a gift to the world!
I discerned my vocation, going back and forth between religious life and marriage, for 7 years and one of the key things that confused me through the whole thing was this beautiful idea of being a Bride of Christ but realizing I didn’t fit into a community setting. Eventually I accepted that I was simply not called to the religious life (though I still envy their prayer life a bit at the moment) but I simply took it on faith that there was some way in which married women were brides of Christ as well, even if not in the same way as religious.
It can be a bit disorienting if you accustom yourself to thinking of Christ as the ideal human husband and then realize He is asking you to squeeze another man into the picture. My first bit of advice is to pray and ask Jesus Him to help you see and understand these two relationships as He wants you to. Secondly, when you have found the right man He wants you to marry, pray with him and build up the relationship between the three of you. Every relationship takes time and effort to build and strengthen, as Simcha said and as you don’t marry just any man, but one in particular, it isn’t something you can do in advance.
On New Years, we will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary, possibly with the arrival of baby #5, and while it may sound strange and paradoxical, I am just as much Christ’s bride as I am my husband’s bride and just as I bear children for my husband, I give Christ children when I have them Baptized. I may not be a bride to Christ in the same way a religious sister or a nun is, but, as St. Paul and St. Therese said, the body has many parts, and part of the beauty of the Church is how many different but wonderful and amazing ways God draws us all to himself.
Thanks for the article, Simcha! And God bless your reader in her discerning!
It occurred to me that it is much like adding that first child to your family. When it’s just you and your husband it’s easy to see how to make him your priority. When there is a new person who NEEDS SO MUCH, it sometimes feels like you are neglecting your husband in favor of your baby, or sleep or a shower or anything else you must do. It just illustrates that we humans have difficulty in seeing how our obligations serve all our relationships, not just the person we are tending to at the moment.
You mention God may be “tapping His foot, waiting for you to stop doing the husband’s laundry and give Him some time” Let’s remember we can do both. Doing the laundry is an act of love and we can even pray during that time. Just turn off the radio and other objects of wordly confusion!!
I have to admit the image of nuns being the brides of Christ was always a little weird to this post Vatican II child. Just now I looked it up in the Catechism and I saw 923 which states a consecrated virgin is “a sacred person, a transcendent sign of the Church’s love for Christ, and an eschatological image of this heavenly Bride of Christ and of the life to come.”
.
I don’t really understand what that means so I go back to my understanding that the Church (made up of all of us) is the Bride and Christ is the Bridegroom and some people not mired down with worldly concerns (like nuns) should be better able to show their Christian love. Anyway, I’ve never struggled with the idea of being married to my husband as somehow being unfaithful to Jesus. I think if the very mystical image of being a particular bride of Christ helps you, go ahead and use it, but if you’re a more concrete thinker (like me), then I think it’s ok to just shrug it off and figure out your calling.
I think it is important to remember that ALL Christians are the “spouse of Christ” for scripture (eg. Ephesian 5) clearly calls the Church (i.e., the community of all the baptized) the bride or spouse of Christ. Religious women are called to be reminders to all of us of this truth of Faith. it is not that ONLY nuns/sisters are brides of Christ but it is their vocation to be public signs and witnesses to the truth that each and every Christian is called to this spousal spiritual relationship with the Lord. It is much the same way that marriage is a sign of God’s love for his people, of Christ’s love for his Church. It does not mean that other vocation are NOT this sign but that marriage is a special public witness to it. So no worries…you can be BOTH the wife of your future husband and always be as you are now: a bride of Christ as part of his spousal Church.
dang, simcha, how come you’re so all-fired wise?
Dear Phyllis,
In the article you just read, Simcha wrote: “It’s NOT as if God is sighing and tapping His foot impatiently, waiting for you to quit doing your husband’s laundry so you can come clock in at His house for a while. That is how you be His spouse: you do the work of serving your husband . . . and darned if that doesn’t bring you closer to God.”
Thank you Simcha, what good and true observations. What Daniel wrote rings true. There is however a special gift of one’s self, when one forgoes the love of an earthly spouse that brings a special grace to our earth. On the other hand, I also can see that the cross many married women and men carry, by being yoked to one who is not corresponding correctly to the sacramental life of marriage could make the consecrated life perhaps easier by comparison—who knows? Like everything else, it is more a matter of how we live the moment in as much union with God, and gift of self, as we can. Really, I can’t see myself loving Jesus any more as a nun. I don’t know where the intimate love I have for my husband begins or ends in THE love, it is all melded together. My husband says the same thing. We begin our day in each others’ arms and then pray side by side. The human touch is so soothing and healing when one is faced with a new day! We hold each others’ hands tenderly as we pray our rosary. At mass we continue in the same way. It is a beautiful co-mingling of love and prayer. It wasn’t always this way though. It took some growing up and suffering to cling to each other with God this way. I feel like we waited a lifetime to reach this point.
Yes, after three decades of marriage, when I am out of sorts with my husband, my misery transfers into my spiritual life. I really dislike it and am there now. Again.
Dear 16-year-old:
First, before you suffer the devastation of a broken heart, I know that first loves make one feel as if she is soaring to the heights, and many people have been in your position before, but it is extremely rare that we actually end up marrying the people we fall in love with at that young age. People change—a lot—after graduating high school, when entering college, after graduating college, when starting careers, etc. So be prepared in the event that you have a break up with your “very close friend.”
.
Second, if you are having difficulty understanding a worldly-married woman having a spousal relationship with Christ, imagine understanding the call for MEN to have a “spousal” love for the Lord. Yes, we are all called to such a relationship, a love that puts God before all things, a relationship that loves the Lord first so fully and completely that this love is unitive and fruitful, and thereby enhances our love for other human persons, including our worldly-spouses, rather than compete with it or detract from it. It takes three to have a full and complete Christian marriage, not two.
.
This is such a love that Mary has for the Lord. Mary, who is espoused to the Holy Spirit while also being espoused to Joseph, with a love so full and given over to God that a virgin could be a mother. Even men are called to this love, a love which is reflective of the love that exists in the Trinity, a loving communion of persons in one being.
I think that it is important to realize that it is at those moments when we have very little earthly consolation, and even our *feelings* for God may seem cold, when our *faithfulness* to our duties proves our love for God, spouse and neighbor, whether we are a wife a nun, or a single person.
About this idea of having a “spousal” relationship with the Lord, just consider the Eucharist.
.
What is happening when you receive the Eucharist?
.
You are taking the Body of Christ into your own. A more intimate encounter you cannot describe, to have one person literally inside another. This is the kind of intimate touching that you see in only two relationships—the spousal and the maternal.
.
In the Eucharist, we are joined to and in Jesus, a Holy Communion of two become one, a joinder that is fruitful, that brings forth graces and new life.
One neat thing about being Catholic is that, though some people would say that my life experience is wildly different than both the letter writer and the responder to the letter writer, because of our shared Catholicism I can both understand and affirm the letter of the letter writer and the response of the responder, which I do.
Bender,
What you wrote is a really important truth, and one that I’m afraid the more squeamish and puritanical can’t fathom too well. This connection should be made and articulated more. I would imagine that not understanding this would be as difficult in the convent as it would be in marriage.
Nov. 8th: Or, it just may be possible that this young woman is called to be the ‘bride of Christ’...and one does not have to enter a religious order for that vocation to be realized. In the early centuries of the Church, there were young ‘brides of Christ’ who were also martyrs. This vocation fell out as young women were encouraged to enter Religious orders rather than remain as virgins in a dangerous and hostile world. But Pope Paul VI brought back this most ancient vocation and Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI have blessed and encouraged this vocation of consecrated virginity lived in the world. In fact, in 2008 Pope Benedict XVI called together over 500 consecrated virgins living in the world from over 50 countries to meet with him in Rome during a Congress of Consecrated Virgins there. Women who felt the call to a spousal union with Christ often entered a religious order because they know of no other way. And often, they did not feel fulfilled and would leave. There is a group of consecrated virgins living in the world here in the USA, each virgin having been consecrated by her Bishop and they have joined together to form an Association of consecrated virgins living in the world…if you go to their website, you will get a good insight into this most ancient and beautiful vocation. United States Association of Consecrated Virgins or USACV - that should bring you to the right place.
Nov. 8th: the website for consecrated virgins living in the world is - consecratedvirgins.org -
See the life of venerable Concepion Cabrera DeArmida
Excellent post as usual, Simcha.
I would like to suggest, though, that Mary and Jesus weren’t talking past each other - either at the finding in the temple or at Cana. In the first istance, Mary was saying: “Not now, Son.” And He complied, going home with his parents and being obedient to them. At Cana, she was saying: “Now, it’s time.” And He began His public ministry with His first miracle.
Not my own thoughts, of course (I think Fulton Sheen, for one, has pointed this out), but very important to our Catholic understanding of the exalted role of our Blessed Lady in her relationship to her Son and in God’s plan of salvation.
Non-Catholics, so often, use these two incidents against her that Catholics tend to see them in a negative light, too - unfortunately!
What a thoughtful and beautiful post! Thank you, Simcha. GBU
Eileen and Daniel, you are both talking about JPII’s theology of the body!! A priest or consecrated religious has decided for now to forego the earthly marriage which is a sign of God’s relationship with His Church, His people, in heaven. Thus, the life of the nun or priest is an eschatological (end of time) image of this heavenly Bride of Christ, and of the life to come which we all yearn to experience one day in heaven.
So marriage on earth (including the ecstacy of sexual union) should show us a glimpse of what our relationship with God will be when we see Him face to face. It is a time of learning about how God desires that relationship to be lived (selflessly, continuously pouring yourself out for your spouse). Thus, the importance of saving sex for marriage (yeah, the beatific vision is going to be THAT good!). And the significance of clerical garb and habits for nuns (to point the world toward the union these people have chosen to embrace NOW).
Very cool that you both “know” theology of the body even if you didn’t know you knew it!
Great post Simcha. I would also ask the sixteen year old to consider St. Paul’s advice before she decides she doesn’t have a vocation to religious life. If it is possible to belong only to Christ that is better, he tells us because we will feel pulled at times. If she loves Christ deeply at this tender age, that love will not diminish but grow. Yes, it can be expressed in marriage(and you have stated that beautifully Simcha), but the reality is the distractions of everyday life do put us in alot of situations where we are asked to choose between following Him or the world. (Read some of the subtle putdowns above, “prudish”, “squeamish”, “puritanical”). Sixteen year old, I would ask you if you feel you would be unhappy unless you married or if you just see now that marriage can be beautiful? If you could live happily without a spouse, you would be very wise to choose the BEST Spouse. God bless.
This is an awesome article. So many truths contained here. Sharing on FB.
Pam, Thank you for your comment. I do truly hope my love for Him will also grow! St. Paul’s advice is very persuasive. I think I’ll reflect on that too!
Some years ago, I had the privilege of discussing this question (just how does this Jesus-plus-another-man thing work, and as a single woman, how do I discern what path *He* wants me to take?) with a beautiful Nashville Dominican sister once.
“How did you know He was calling you to be a sister?” I asked.
“I asked Him to help me know if my heart was made for one Man, or two,” she replied, “and my heart was made for only one! But if your heart was made for two, He gives you the grace to love Him as you should, and to love your husband as you should.”
Wow, this post seems to have been written for me! I’m 21 and still haven’t chosen the specific path for my life either, and lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about if I was to get married how that would affect my relationship with God. So thank you Simcha, your words here are very encouraging and enlightening!
@kay priddy: Mark Shea had a recent blog entry on this over on his part of the NCR, just a couple of days ago, I think.
Very interesting, never thought about the subject of this particular post! Thanks.
Just as a priest acts in persona Christi (in the person of Christ), I think something analogical happens with the spouses in marriage - they mirror Christ and the Church, in the person of Jesus, and ‘in the person of the Church’ (in persona Ecclesiae). See Eph 5:21-33.
This is beautiful. After living “single for the Lord” for half a dozen years, God told me it was time to consider marriage. I resisted since I had given up that “dream” to fall in love with God instead. I’m now learning to rethink the vocation of marriage to learn it is not the either/or as I (and it appears others) had thought, but rather the both/and as so beautifully illustrated here.
I have been widowed for slightly less than 5 months and still have that flesh-ache for my husband. I know I can converse with him, I can pray for him and he for me (and I know he is because I am surviving mothering 4 kids on my own - barely but surviving). The thing is a couple of weeks ago, someone who’s been widowed for 15 years said to me “Jesus is your spouse now.” Um, not ready to hear that. No offense Jesus but I am just not ready to wrap my mind around that. I know that Jesus is the Bridegroom, I know that. My advice to people out there though, please don’t say that to a new widow who would give ANYTHING to look lovingly into her husband’s eyes and to see that love returned, to feel the safety of his warm embrace and to hear the beating of his heart. Right now, Jesus in Heaven really can’t replace flesh and blood husband. Sorry.
After 12 wonderful years of consecration to Jesus in poverty,chastity and obedience I can relate to this young reader’s story. At 16 I felt the same doubts and confusion. You are still very young, my friend. My advice is the following: LOVE JESUS PASSIONATELY. You can never go wrong loving him. Every soul is a bride of Christ in the sense that each person is called to total union in love with him. If his plan for you is that you live out that love through the sacrament of matrimony, you will find that being in love with Jesus can only make your marriage stronger. If he has a different plan for you, he’ll show you and you’ll see how all your hopes and dreams have a place in his plan for you. God wants us happy! He will not lead you astray. Some other things I highly recommend are finding a good spiritual director and receiving Christ and visiting Him in the Eucharist as often as possible and staying close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I will keep you in my prayers.
Why is it that Catholics refuse to read God’s word, and take to heart what He so clearly states about our roles in the Church? In this Year of Faith, if only Catholics would read their Bible. Even the New Testament. Even Paul’s letter to the Romans. Why is that so hard?
This was a BEAUTIFUL article. I’m so glad I found your blog, Simcha. Quite by ‘accident’....hmmm, but maybe not.
I would ask this young lady to pray about her decision, and perhaps get some good,solid counseling from a spiritual director. Way back when, I also felt the nudge and the call from the Lord, but kind of hemmed and hawed over it. Then when I was 18, I experienced a horrendous crisis in my life, and not only decided not to follow the vocation God was clearly calling me to, but I turned my back on Him as well. Thirty eight years have passed. I am joyfully and thankfully back in a right relationship with God, and while He IS using me in a capacity I never dreamed of, I truly believe I missed my calling to the Catholic sisterhood. And although I try not to, I do indeed feel regrets about that. I will pray for this gal.
Blessings,
Pam
It is so tempting to focus on the future, but NOW is the only time that exists. The future, with all its possibilities, the glories, the challenges, is exciteing and alluring. It is so pedestrian and boring to think that accepting the challenges of today - doing the dishes without being asked or being genuinely interested in the nerdier kids in class, or developing good habits, or just doing your homework really really well - that a headlong commitment to these things when you are young is where you will meet Christ and grow in the kind of generosity that is pre-requisite to saying yes to His call, whatever it is. Yes, do ask good questions like this one and do pray about the future. But never take your eyes off of this present moment.
In reply to the commenter who quoted the Nashville nun about the “room in your heart for two men” question… That nun might be a bit off right? I mean, God is God and every living creature owes Him everything, all our heart, mind strength… and Jesus Christ, is true God and true man, Yes! But he is not a human person, and he is not present to us now in his particular recognizable body. And even if he were, you wouldn’t be marrying him the way normal people marry each other. I mean, you wouldn’t even be able to marry him the way Mary and Joseph were married. It just is not the same. (See Jesus and Mary Magdalen on Easter day, “Noli me tangere…”) Other commenters have pointed out that Jesus’ spouse is the Church, so the union is universal rather than particular. And the comment from the recent widow above spoke of the very real difference between spiritual and physical union - between Jesus as spouse and human person husband as spouse. (Heart goes out to you, BTW, and many prayers, too.) One divine person plus one human person does not add up to two men. (If you want to be a stickler about math, the question should read more like, do you have room in your heart for infinity plus one man?) Anyway, thanks for your posts, Simcha!
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
The time period for commenting on this article has expired.