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Guy Movies that Aren't

Friday, July 06, 2012 8:00 AM Comments (121)

One of the things that makes me such a magnificent wife is that I never make my husband watch chick movies; and yet I am usually willing to watch guy movies.

Never mind that this is because I am an almost complete failure as a chick (the last time I wore high heels, I was processing up the aisle.  By the time I was recessing back down, I was barefoot again.  I also think cosmopolitans are disgusting -- I'm sorry, am I a hummingbird? --  and consider Toenail to be the best color for toenails) -- and never mind that, when I'm busy in the evening, my husband pulls out the real guy movies, which start off with exploding zombies and tanks that shoot blood, and then take an abrupt plunge downhill, subtletywise.

Okay, so, fine, so there are some guy movies I won't watch.  But in general, we both are far more likely to enjoy things billed as "guy movies" than "chick flicks."  Movies that pander to men seem to enjoy a lot more freedom to be about other things, as well; whereas movies that pander to women are just hopelessly limited.  I don't know if this makes me angrier at female audiences or movie producers, but I'm registering my protest by lighting up a stogie, putting my dirty old feet up on the coffee table, and scratching places that your grandmother isn't even willing to admit she knows the name of.

Ha!  Just kidding.  We don't even have a coffee table.

Here's my list of guy movies that women shouldn't be afraid to watch, because they are actually really good.  By "good" I mean they leave you with something to think about, or at very least achieve exactly what they set out to achieve; and by "guy," I mean they include several of the following:   punching, shooting, blowing up, swearing, and generally acting as if people's feelings are not necessarily of paramount importance.  Also, in reviews for guy movies, the phrase, "warm, wise, and wonderful" never appears.  Guy's movies can however, be about love.

Jaws

Unbreakable

The Godfather and The Godfather:  Part II

Rocky

Stagecoach

Shaun of the Dead

Die Hard

L.A. Confidential

Gladiator

Eastern Promises (CAVEAT:  we both had to cover our eyes for so much of this movie, I'm not even sure we qualify as actually having watched it.  What we did see was very, very good, though.)

Then there is the list of guy movies which I say I enjoy, but I really mean that I enjoy watching him enjoy them.  It's sort of like when you see a photo of someone's reflection in the mirror, and it looks just like them, but something is . . . off.  Enter the Dragon falls into this category; so does Point Break and Road House:  I mean, this is the man who says tender and heartfelt things about the baby's downy little fontanel, and now he is just going to sit on the couch and watch some guy rip out some other guy's throat -- actually rip his actual throat right out -- and his reaction is going to be, "Heh heh?"  Fascinating.

Escape From New York falls into an extremely small category of guy movies which I enjoy because I'm fairly sure I'm getting a joke that may or may not be intentional.  "I have an idea," said the producers.  "I have this money lying around, see.   How would it be if we were to write a dystopian action adventure movie that looks, for all the world, like it's going to be badheiney as all get out, but we'll name the hero . . . get this, now. . . we'll name him SNAKE PLISSKEN?"

And then there are the more-than-guy-movie movies that are on my list for him to watch (or which I had to insist that he watch), including:

Das Boot

The Conversation

And here are the ones on his list, which he's pretty sure I'll enjoy someday:

Apocalypse Now

Drive

The Sixth Sense

The Deer Hunter

He's usually right.  But on the other hand, there's one more special category of movie:  ones which my husband swears that I not only have seen at least twice, but which I enjoyed.  He swears I've seen Midnight Run, and made me watch a YouTube compilation of "greatest scenes," which consist mostly of Robert DeNiro either punching someone, threatening to punch someone, or threatening to punch someone again.

I remember it, I guess, in sort of the same way as I remember the rug on the floor in my second-grade classroom looked like.  I mean, you can show me something, and I will admit that it seems very likely that I've seen it before, and I certainly couldn't, in good conscience, swear that I haven't seen it.  But that's as far as I'm willing to commit.

Then, of course, there's The Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call - New Orleans, which, if memory serves, was not so much a movie as an extremely entertaining hallucination that we both happened to be having at the same time in the same living room.

Okay, guys, it's summer time, and I can get away with staying up a little bit later.  Tell me some guy movies you think we should see.  Or tell me some chick flicks that deserve a second chance!

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About Simcha Fisher

Simcha Fisher
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Simcha Fisher, author of The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning writes for several publications and blogs at I Have to Sit Down. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband and nine children. Without supernatural aid, she would hardly be a human being.