This is by no means the last time I shot my mouth off, but I have a good story about being an a-hole and laying down too much holiness: I was googling something faith related about a month and clicked through to a Catholic Answers forum post on the topic. I was scrolling through the responses and read one that was pretty arrogant in the “outrageous outrage”-vein (ironically, the author was taking people to task for being too “holy” in their response to a Catholic author who may or may not be a tad “liberal”). I thought, “this guy’s missing the point.” Some other posters nicely told the author to calm the heck down and I thought, “yep.” Then I saw that the author was me. I posted it nine years ago, about three months after my conversion to the Church, back when I was busy confirming the saying “no one’s more zealous than a convert” (and being an obnoxious twenty-something). It was sobering.
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I believe that, more often than not, choices in life are about choosing which way to fail. You’re going to fail somehow, so it’s wise to pick which way you’ll fall—and some ways make it easier to reach out and take God’s hand when you come to your senses and ask for help up. I’ll choose failing towards zealotry over failing towards apathy any day, but I agree with Simcha that there is a unique sting to noticing failings that arise from spiritual pride. (That’s what you’re talking about, right Simcha?)

It’s not just you. Unfortunately, you don’t have to be twenty-something to do this.  Fifty-somethings like me still do this too.  Thanks for the wake up call.

Ha ha! I did this when I was pregnant with my first born- telling everyone why they have a moral obligation to homeschool! I have learned 5 years later that I will never homeschool my children (not because homeschooling is bad but because I am just not cut out for it). Oh yes, and when I used to get up on my soapbox about how EASY NFP was going to be… 4 kids in 5 years later I can’t say that I agree with my old self :)

“we march forward in a fine, fervent frenzy, and rip a new donut hole for everyone in the room—in service of the truth”

So…

Like some of your blog posts? ;)

Definitely not just you!  I think God has an entire department of angels up there devoted to showing me AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY how ridiculously smug/all knowing I am. 

So now I’m just smug about being humble.

Simcha,
You meant well & in the best of all possible worlds it would have been a good idea.You tried.That’s more than many people do.
If the couple accepted your offer but the boyfriend was already married to another, it might appear they were taking advantage of you.I guess that’s why it’s often wise to let third party/charitable organizations handle things.Folks can be in need but at the same time have other underlying issues, as you’ve experienced.
The local paper where I used to live had the same type of Christmas appeal each year & I’d see similar scenarios, but more often with a single mom-no “fiancee”-& maybe 3-4 kids & another on the way.You’d just scratch your head & wonder.But not every situation can be fixed & the poor little kids deserved as much as any other child.

Oh my. I can’t even type it. Too cringe-worthy. But worse than yours, Simcha. Definitely worse.

I remember somebody said - maybe Kant, oddly enough? - that although you should make your own choices with an eye to your virtue more than your happiness, you should choose how to act to other people with an eye to their happiness more than their virtue.  It seems like a good rule of thumb, whoever said it.

this pretty much summed up my twenties (and late teens). I turned 30 a few months ago and vowed to start keeping my mouth shut!

Been there, done that.

One of the best life guides I ever got was from a friend of mine who is a priest.  He said, “We are called to speak the truth, but to speak the truth with love.”  Makes me stop in my tracks or change my approach more times than I can count.  Attacking someone is never loving.

I must be missing something. Why were you embarrassed that this couple’s situation was a mess? I understand that they couldn’t get married but guess what? They shouldn’t be living together. They shouldn’t be continuing on as if their situation was o.k. They needed to get their life in order. That would have been the best Christmas gift they could give their children. So again, you were embarassed why?
I get the point about gun’s ablazin’ but I am not sure this is the best example. I regret thinking or saying something when the “more to the story” is that the other person is actually not doing something wrong or just needs some help. Or God forbid, I am just plain wrong about whatever But no this couple was wrong, screwed up and happy to continue down that path. Sounds like someone did need to tell them to straighten up. Maybe they did at some point.
And yes, I have learned not to jump in. Much better to sit back and think and pray for a long time before pulling out the guns. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen it just means I need more practice.
Please be gentle with me when you explain. Like I said maybe I am missing something. Thanks.

I agree with Ann.

@Ann and Captain America: Of course these sinners should be saints instead, but Simcha was embarrassed because she assumed that they were in a simple situation where all they had to do was get married, and they were choosing not to. I’m sure it was very difficult to have them come to her actual house and have so many complications to the story. And I personally know a priest, who is trying to get laisized, because when he outed a pedophile, his bishop sent him to a psych ward for four months. He finally had to just leave the hospital, as the bishop refused to acknowledge the doctors recommendation that he be discharged—given that he was diagnosed with “sadness”. The bishop would not let him work as a priest, stopped paying his salary/insurance in violation of canon law, but also wouldn’t cooperate in allowing him to work at another diocese away from the abusive bishop. He became so destitute that he ended up living with one of his only friends from before his priest years; she happened to be his childhood sweetheart.
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This priest, six years later, is now living with his childhood sweetheart, with two kids. They want to get married in the Church, but they are so devastatingly poor that they cannot afford a good canon lawyer to push the paperwork through. He is trying to get a job in the field he just was certified in, which while full of openings when he started two years ago, is now glutted. It’s just not simple. Yes, he sinned in starting to date while he was still in an irregular situation, but abandoning his child and her mother would be even worse. They are now living as a celibate couple as there is NO way they can afford to live apart; plus, I think the woman would lose her mind if she was left with the kids full time without help from her partner at night.
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This priest is my closest friend. I love him just as much now as I did when he helped me survive an abusive household 12 years ago. It has taught me SO much about not judging, since I hate that other people judge someone who I know is doing his best, and going to confession when it’s not good enough.

One Christmas Eve I was rushing from my office to the commuter train to gat home ASAP. I passed a beautiful young woman sitting on the sidewalk next to a baby carriage. It was cold and rainy and she needed money. With a lump in my throat - thinking of my wife and three kids warm at home in the safe suburbs - I went to the ATM and got a BUNCH of money and gave it to the young woman, pleading to her to get someplace warm and dry with her baby. She seemed so grateful. I celebrated an especially content Christmas.

A week later, New Year’s Eve, exact same scene. I hadn’t noticed this on Christmas Eve, but the baby in the carriage was completely concealed by blankets. I didn’t feel compelled to visit the ATM this time. Huh. January, February, March: same thing. (Don’t babies grow, at some point?)

There’s an old poker saying: If you don’t know who the mark is, you’re the mark.

“Do things the regular way, like by praying, being nice, and donating money to charities that know what they are doing.” Meaningful advice, Simcha.

Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/gung-ho#ixzz24TZAkDor

Speaking the truth with Catholic conviction and kindness is hard, but someone has to do it.  Where would I be if someone didn’t do it for me?  There will always be someone not open to what you have to say, but it’s better than being a wishy washy, namby pamby Catholic.  When the truth finally “hits” us, I think we are allowed a bit of time to mellow out and learn humility.  It’s a bit much to take in all at once!  But we do need a zealot here and there to spark things up a bit.  Confession is a good place to learn some detachment and tone things down a bit.  I felt like you Simcha when I helped out at a RCIA class…some things are more complicated than we can understand.  I sure love your sense of humor about it all though!!

I agree with Ann.

I read this article in the spirit it was intended and did cringe at my own faults. But then I stopped at Ann’s comment. Maybe its good to be foolish for God. Maybe it WAS important that you told the girlfriend that she deserved to “be married”. It’s not just better for her two babies, its better FOR HER.

It’s a hard thing to tell someone they are wrong—you’ll never get thanks, you’ll never feel great about how you did it—but I was one of those girls who never got told the truth about the beauty and power of the Sacrament of Marriage until after I became Catholic at age 27.

“oh, it’s hard to be humble”. What a great column, Simcha, I’m still laughing.  A few good comments too!

Too many to count. God help us all.

The logic of this one fails me. I mean, Simcha, you shoot your mouth off all the time on your nationally read blog posts about parenting, liturgy, attire, nfp, whatever. Haha, kidding…sort of.

I’m all for admonishments against imprudent speech and promoting humility, but it’s not we should expect tongues of fire to come down every time the faith should be shared or defended.

We have to make do with our best estimations most of the time and live with it. Openly talking about the faith is often controversial and awkward in the company of those not of like mind, and that’s fine. We should pray and still do it. Who else will?

“Praying, being nice, and donating money” isn’t exactly how I’d describe living the beatitudes. Consider all the hot messes the saints have made in their zeal for righteousness, which our Lord has promised to satisfy.

@Andrew - Don’t you think there’s a difference between writing a post aimed at a general audience, and telling one specific person that he’s living his life wrong?  I do. 

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Also, I meant to say that one of the hallmarks of spouting off in a way that’s likely to do more harm than good is that you have that warm, excited feeling that you’re a glorious warrior, etc.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit DOES want you to speak up and chastise someone or someone’s behavior, but I think you’re a lot more likely to be on the wrong track if you feel sick and nervous.  Think of Moses - he tried as hard as he could to get out of going to speak to Pharaoh.  I’m a lot more ready to trust and admire an unwilling prophet who feels unworthy, than one who’s just DYING to set people straight.

So, to set the scene. Big family gathering before the ‘08 election. Our large (totally conservative) family is gang piling on Pe… er… catholic politicians who are pro abort and supporters of PP and then they go to mass and communion and remain unexcommunicated you get the drift. So’s i pipe in and tell’em “well… do any of you contracept?”....“do any of yu go to communion with such a sin?” I wasn’t spoken to by some for a very long time. Not good. Ugly me.

Ugh, cancel that - I meant you’re a lot more likely to be on the RIGHT track if you feel sick and nervous.

Hmmmm, I put my foot in my mouth on occasion, but I have this nifty little trick called selective Alzheimers in which I expunge it from my memory. I don’t think you did the wrong thing, perhaps you were a little high handed in your tone, but it doesn’t look like you drove them away.  What it was was *awkward*. Yes, I know that word is horribly over used, but I feel your pain.  I’d feel the same way if those poor people landed on my doorstep too.  A simple donation, and a heartfelt assurance of prayers to resolve their complicated situation is what they needed. If they printed your letter in the newspaper, and another couple regularized their situation because of you, then right on. Maybe even the act of stopping in your busy day to write it, brought down the grace a couple far away needed to do the right thing. I get what you’re saying though.  Holy rollers can be a colossal pain in the nether regions.  They do more harm than good, and create a thick mantle of smug.  I had a couple of friends like that who gave me a perpetual inferiority complex.  It wasn’t until I gained maturity that I realized the weird competition they were in to out-holy each other.

@teomatteo, high five, sorry. LOL.  I’m a sinner.

@teomatteo - I can’t tell by your tone if you’re truly repentent or if you think you made a good point.    My husband and I don’t contracept, but I’d still avoid you at family gatherings for bringing up a personal topic that was absolutely none of your beeswax.  Sex and contraception belong between a husband and wife, informing their consciences through the Church.  Outsiders are just that, outsiders.  Unless a married couple announces to you that they’re in a state of mortal sin, the right thing to do is to assume they’re not.

@suburbancorrespondent:  “So now I’m just smug about being humble.”  BWAHAHAHA! Priceless!

Okay, I just remembered one: My BF from high school is a practicing Muslim.  The two of us had more meaningful conversations about God, and not wanting to offend him than any of the conversations I had with friends in years of Catholic school.  She has a terrible knack of picking out bad men.  It’s like she looks for men who are the cultural opposite of her.  I’ve pointed out her destructive ways as delicately as I can, but I really think it boils down to how unfaithful her father was to her mother.  She has no model of manliness in her life.  Last year her husband ran off with a wealthy young woman whose house he was working on.  I understand my friend, she’s scared.  She has one daughter in college and is afraid to be alone.  So she landed herself some Texas oil man (boots and all).  She threw a party to introduce her friends to him.  When she opened her closet to ask me what she should wear, it was filled with new shoe boxes and extremely expensive designer clothing;  things I KNOW she couldn’t have bought herself.  She admitted he takes her “shopping”.  I bit my tongue, not liking the implications.  When he arrived later I almost flipped.  He’s what my husband and I call a lounge lizard. Aaaaaaaaah! Vegas baby…noooooooo.  The next day I couldn’t contain myself.  I didn’t even have the nerve to call.  I TEXTED her and said “He’s NOT FOR YOU!  I love you too much to do this to yourself.  You can’t have a gross sugar Daddy.”  She never texted me back.  Then I remembered that she leaves her phone everywhere around the house….yep you guessed it…Oops.  I apologized to her, but it pretty much put a missile in our 30 year friendship.  Even though we have almost nothing left in common, I miss her, but the gulf keeps growing wider.  She’s trying to find some security in this life. (sigh)

Just general words of wisdom:
“Conviction without experience makes for harshness.”
Flannery O’Connor

@Teomatteo, My family at large is pretty high and mighty.  The mob on my side are the uber conservatives, on my husband’s side are the uber liberals.  His family thinks impeccable manners are higher than God, but tongue lash the maids with a special viciousness. Mine complain along the same lines you described.  They want lightening bolts and hellfire for Pelossi.  Generations of welfare recipients should be kicked to the curb!  My mother-in-law likes to say things like “All the popes visit !@#$% houses.”  My Dad rails against “anchor babies” and educating illegal aliens. 
A good kick in the pants on both sides is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.  Your comment made me laugh heartily because I know how indignant my own relatives get when you point out um, shall we say “inconsistencies” in morality?

Speaking as somebody who has never ever ever done the things you describe, Simcha, I will be going to confession soon to confess lying in this comment. :)

LOL to Mr. Shea ^ ! ;D

I was reflecting on this and I can relate to this kind of embarrassment in one situation very strikingly. However, the thing is I’m not sure I ought not to have done what I did, even if it was a bit of (gosh, was I even twenty yet?) gung-ho-ism. The young have something to offer the world in their enthusiasm, even when it’s a bit misguided - it makes people stop and think about fundamentals. My particular situation was kinda complicated (arg) but thanks for the food for thought! I’ll definitely be pondering on it for a while now.

Mine is cringe-worthy but funny: uber-Catholic college 20+ years ago.  Group of lit. majors discussing Tom Jones.  Book uses “slut” a lot to describe unmarried women who are active (but not so much their boyfriends—total double standard).  We start having a loud, passionate discussion (in the student lounge) about whether or not such “shaming” words can have a good effect on society (I’m for them, of course, at the time).

Group on the couch behind us: four unmarried women all with at least one child (one expecting her fourth).

Um.  Er. 

One of the most interesting (and friendly!) conversations I ever ended up having, actually.  The women ranged from hostile feminist (ironic, really, since she was totally being used by a guy who couldn’t commit) to the sweet mom of four who wanted a better life and couldn’t see how to get there, since in her culture everyone has babies but increasingly small numbers actually ever get married.  It was sobering, and I learned a lot.

Alas, I did NOT learn never to use the word “slut” again.  You would think I would have, but I’m slow.

@Kathleen—never seen it before, but LOVE that quote :-)

I’m awfully good at this.  You’d think my own obvious-to-everybody-with-eyes personal sin of gluttony would tone it down a bit but NO.

Luckily at 41 I’m running out of topics to be Zealous about.

Every dang day!

My goodness, did she say DONUT HOLE?
What poor nutritional advice! And on a Family Site too!

I can’t imagine THE VIRGIN MARY eating a DONUT HOLE!

Man O man, Simcha - did you take the wrong way out!  Hiding behind “tax-exempt charitable organizations” and passive prayer is just what Jesus is asking us to get beyond! 

Do you experience the utterwhelming complexity of need?  Have you been left flat-footed by your inability to prevail with your own spiritual resources in a difficult situation?  Have you looked in the face of spiritual hunger (you who have so many fine words), and been left speechless?

Tante bien - that’s where God wants you.  Once more into the breach!

I’m not sure I really get what you are getting at Simcha…if you mean we should focus on personal holiness instead of berating heretics or something, well yes.  Because personal holiness draws others to Christ naturally.

But at the same time, and I mean this with respect, I get the same feeling you describe from this post, ironically.  “Stop getting after people jerk!”

Maybe this just isn’t really my kind of blog…

@kathleen - that’s a great quotation. I really need to finally get around to reading her books.

I have to say I learned a LOT from listening to people like Patrick Madrid on the Open Line show on EWTN radio. I thought it was just amazing that he could speak the truth with such kindness and compassion! Of course, that’s his job, not mine, but it really made me think that there are ways of saying things and ways of saying things.

Sitting next to my sis-in-law’s sister at a party. She was planning a second marriage and couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be “blessed in the church.” Msgr. is so nice, couldn’t he just say a blessing or something? I causally brushed over the annulment processes - mentioned that her intended was in the clear since his wife died. She wasn’t interested in an annulment. So I said, you know, once they got married, it was going to change since he’d be, you know, “coveting his neighbors wife.” So then neither would be able to receive communion. Which apparently, they’d both been doing all along. Jaw dropped. Silence. Needless to say, she doesn’t sit next to me at parties any more. And I don’t see her in church. So, I’ve done worse than rip the donut hole.

i recently read a meditation that i am failing to accomplished - and still don’t always respond to others properly. It was re: Micah 6:8 “This is what the LORD requires from you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to live humbly with your God.” The meditation explained that in order to do these three things (especially the humble part) imagine Jesus gave you a candle you had to carry everywhere, protect it, and not let it go out. Now imagine Jesus said, “put it deep into the depths of your soul” - and do not let it go out. of course nothing external can touch or harm the candle - only i can harm the candle - only the way i treat or react others.  this is how i am trying to respond to others. BUT thank God Jesus has a huge box of matches for my candle.

I think that Simcha is making a case for prudence. Having made bad situations worse, and hoping I do this less as time goes by, I think her advice is good. Sometimes you will, perforce, have to step out on a public limb, or be impelled to witness to truth. Be gentle as God is gentle. Be truthful as God is truth. As they say in medicine, “Do no harm”, because misplaced, misdirected zeal can do real damage. How long will I be sorry for words I’ve said in anger or disgust, despite having “merely told the truth”? Other times I’ve been spot on in timing and content. BUT if you are so bold as to preach the Gospel, it’s worthwhile to be humble first, hopefully increasing your chances of throwing a spotlight on Jesus Christ. That IS the point here, right?
Simcha was right all along to say that the best gift that couple could have given their children was a sacramental marriage. But as she illustrates, it is not always possible, and we do best to think about what is possible before we act as if we had known everything about everything all along. Parenthetically, have you ever considered what might have happened had Saint Augustine married his child’s mother? Possibly she just didn’t want to marry him at all.

Just about every time I tried to bring my siblings back to the Catholic Church. I don’t know that though.  Maybe, this post explains one of the things he meant when he advised, “Sit before standing.”

As Dr. Marrero said “Do no harm” is important. Things can be more complicated than they seem and we aren’t always equipped to do the follow-up. It sounds like a priest or skilled counselor would have been needed to help that couple entangle the situation in a way that resulted in the best outcome possible, with particular focus on the two children. It sounds like they may have needed an advocate to accompany them through the various systems to straighten everything out. Simcha wasn’t equipped to do that. Very few people are. That’s why places like Catholic Charities have case workers to help bring all the resources together.

I think that’s way it’s important to be humble and try to refer people to places that can help with the complicated. To nudge rather than bludgeon in places where were aren’t sure what will happen so we don’t do harm. Real life is complicated. The fall out from sin is complicated. Avoiding it is clearly best, but once it has happened drive by moralizing can do more harm than good.

I was quite the zealous young adult, having been schooled in Theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville, as well as living amongst a whole college campus full of zealots like me.  It took years but I’m much more relaxed.  I’m still zealous for the Lord but I try to do it in love and not necessarily in words.

Not long ago I was at Mass with our 1 1/2 yr old monkey..er, uh…son.  It was the Solemnity of the Assumption.  He tries to be good.  Sometimes he gets tired or whatever.  Normal.  I detest crying rooms.  (This is not up for debate, as this is not what Simcha’s post is about) Just before the Eucharistic Prayer, the little guy wanted to nurse (not up for discussion, either), so I took him in the side chapel.  It is hard to cover him, he pulls the cover off.  Wouldn’t you know it, a well-meaning zealot came after me.  She was probably in her 50’s.  “You can’t be in there!” I attempted to quietly and quickly explain that I knew why and yet, “This is the Catholic Church.” She was really on fire, I could see it.  “Father said we shouldn’t be in there during Mass.” She wouldn’t back down.  Mind you, Father is now praying the Eucharistic Prayer and people are seeing this all go down.  I’m not sure of everything I said but the gist was, “Fine.  Let Father come get me out of here.  Go sit down please.” I closed the door and went on.  She was thoroughly disgusted with my behavior, it was all over her face.  I completely understand and affirm the theology behind not being in a Blessed Sacrament chapel during Mass, even moreso during the Eucharistic Prayer.  I had my reasons for being there.  Jesus knew.  He knows my heart perfectly.  I do my best not to scandalize or disturb.  Jesus, also, knew this woman’s intention was what she thought, good.  Unfortunately, she made things worse and was quite disruptive to all around.  I would have tried to explain myself, if we had not been in Church, in the midst of Mass.  We tend to forget what is really important.  Though what I did was not in line with the parish priest’s instruction, it would have been better for all if I had been left alone and after Mass, someone…the priest…pulled me aside and talked with me.  We send people away from our Church, many times, because we are so zealous for the Lord.  Why can’t we give the benefit of the doubt?  Do we know anyone, like God knows them?  Unless there is serious reason to believe someone is committing a mortal sin, disrupting Mass, etc.  Leave them alone.  Pray with eyes closed.  That has helped me more than anything.

Looking over these stories in the comments makes me feel depressed. You can’t say anything to anybody about morality without it turning into a royal screw-up.

I think you should cut yourself some slack and not rip *yourself* a new donut hole. Our twenties are for charging through the world on fire with our faith and beliefs. Those years are the training years for our more effective decades. I still beat myself up for a couple of similar encounters, now twenty years past. But it is only our pride that keeps us revisiting them. We think we should have been better, been more holy and more effective. But God was showing us our limitations and teaching us to trust in him and not ourselves. One of the best experiences I’ve had is teaching teenagers. When I look at them and see how inexperienced and innocent they are—while still thinking they know everything they need to know—I realize I was just like them once and, the same slack I cut them in refraining from judgment or thinking poorly of them, is the same that was given to me by adults when I was a teenager. Likewise, with twenty-somethings, I realize they don’t have the experience and I expect them to be well-intentioned but foolish at times—which I’m sure was exactly what older adults thought of me 20 years ago.

Marie, when your son get’s a little older, he’ll have recourse to the rest room during consecration, and your tiffs with officious vestals will have ended.  Some wise pastoral type had the vision to pipe Mass audio into our church bathrooms, so I don’t feel like an excommunicate while both boys are purifying their hands in a way that would make an archbishop proud.

Do you get the feeling there are two types of people in the world?  Those who have crashed and burned; and those who never really tried flying?

It’s good to learn to approach other people with wisdom and gentleness rather than rushing in all zealot-like. But hiding behind charities isn’t the answer.

Sometimes.  But there are also times where no amount of context or nuance can square the circle, or where someone needs to hear the unvarnished truth.

I think it depends so much on the motivation. If it is done in a spirit of love and humility it could be helpful. How often do I acheive that, though? More often it is just an uncharitable, self-righteous venting of spleen.

It is worse when people give you a lecture about you and ‘your’ baby (OK I admit we were looking a little rough) and don’t wait for you to explain it is YOUR BROTHER and you are just waiting for your mother to come out of the store and really don’t need money or anything.

*magisterial…
(spelling police!)

Nope, I can’t relate at all ;-)

A study in spriritual intervention is the Gospel itself.  Everything Jesus said and did was God interjecting his salvific word into a humanity floundering on itself. 

Two observations: Being right did not deter Jesus from interjecting.  The implication is that his perfection would have been diminished had he not shared his wealth of grace with sinful man.  And second, not everybody accepted his gracious help in the same spirit of magnanimous contrition.

So the easy pattern for timely help is to be Jesus to the world, regardless of the consequences.

@ Jes

LOL…my daughters and some of their friends can really relate to the looks and attitudes that can be flung toward older sibs caring for younger sibs.  Love big families!

Kaneda, don’t be depressed.  No, it is not the case that you “can’t say anything about morality to anybody without it turning into a royal screw up.”  The point of these stories is that it SOMETIMES turns into a royal screw up, and as Simcha points out the more self righteous you are to begin with, the more likely it is.  The only reason any of these stories exist is because the people who made the mistakes have known of many instances where someone spoke of morality and it was a good thing.

My general guideline as I have advanced in years is to speak first and most of my own failings, and what I have learned from God.  For instance if I think that someone is not being grateful to God for their current gift I might talk about a time when I was not being grateful, and how I learned to be.  This severely limits what I talk to people about, because there are many sinful situations I have not been in (remarkably, that does not limit how often I sin.  I can keep doing the same sins over and over).  But I think that preaching morality is not the main thing I do for God.

St. Francis is credited with saying “Preach the Gospel always.  Use words sometimes.” or something to that effect.

I’m always inadvertently offending someone.  I tend to be direct and to the point and I have very little patience when people dance around something.  My mom, God bless her, will tell you a two hour story before she gets to the point and by that time she’s forgotten the point. Drives me nuts (but it’s good mortification for me). I like directness.  Not rudeness or agressiveness or mean-ness, just directness.  However, I have discovered that most other people prefer to say things and have things said to them in a more oblique manner.  So I try but I’m not very good at it.

God bless you, MM. I have the opposite problem and tend to admire those who can be direct without even trying. Now I’ve heard some doozies of cruelty coming from the lips of blunt people, but I still think it would be better to be born with the gift of bluntness. Seems to me it’s easier for a person of good will to learn tact and gentleness than for us nice, polite, beat-around-the-bush-till-kingdom-come types to screw up the courage and true charity that directness requires.

Simcha…I honestly and truly hope I die before you because I have no idea how I’d get along without your humor and down-to-earth advice on how to live a holy Catholic life that is pleasing to God.  You write in a way that even my knucklehead can understand.  Muchas gracias, seniorita!  (insert squiggly thing over the n)

The truth takes a while to sink in.  Not into them, but into you! 

so. true.

Thanks Simcha.  Thanks for commenting on a topic so very near and dear to me. Truth and charity should not have to compete.

I was a real Pharisee when I was younger.  God forgive me for the horrible things that I said and thought to people trying to do their best.

God had a real sense of humor in breaking me of the habit. I have to share this because it is too good not to.  After attending Mass one Sunday in college, I commented to a few people that I hated it when people would not respect the Lord by showing up in their “Sunday Best” clothes.  Next week, I had spent the day helping clean tiger cages, literally scraping poo off the walls.  I had gotten a ride with a friend and so didn’t have time to clean up before evening Mass.  Oops.  I got to stand in the back, covered in mud and tiger droppings.  Thanks, God.  Got the message :)

I go to University of Portland (in Oregon), a Holy Cross-run Catholic school. When I got here, I was astounded to find that people didn’t kneel at Mass in the main chapel on campus. In fact, there weren’t even kneelers! It took me about a year or two to get up the nerve to make a stink about it. Eventually, I told the director of Campus Ministries, in no uncertain terms, that this needed to change.

But it turns out that we don’t kneel here because the rows of chairs are too close together. Easy fix, says smarty-righteous-pants, space them out. But with Mass attendance as high as it is, and with such a small chapel, we can’t afford to lose two rows of seats. In addition, the floor would need to be replaced before kneelers could be added. And really what we need is a bigger chapel to handle the growing Mass attendance.

Turns out it wasn’t as simple as I though…

Thanks for this.

As a twenty-something young mother of two and fellow blogger—it was humbling to read this. I hope so much that Humble Handmaid has never been obnoxious, inappropriate or condescending. I can’t claim to have had perfect balance or perfect judgment or even perfect charity. I have surely tried though.

They always say that when you write, write what you know. What a much-needed reminder today to do that—with balance, charity, and honest discernment. I’m going to keep blogging through young motherhood. If you ever stop by and read something I will look back and cringe at, would you let me know? :)

I enjoy your blog and thank you for your witness! Blessings!

Patrick, I would buy that argument if it were a mountaintop chapel in Peru.  And the Peruvian faithful would kneel with their bare knees on the frozen earth.

Just to clarify, we’re not talking about zeal here.  Zeal is Phinehas at Peor, and there is none among the American hierarchy today.  It occasionally shows up in the rare lay Catholic, but is quickly suppressed, and uniformly disowned.

What you’re talking about is known as enthusiasm.  Enthusiasm is what characterizes the 30-some odd thousand protestant denominations, who try to make up in effort what they lack in discretion.

Zeal is looking into the judge’s face as he’s getting ready to hang you, and saying “I would do it all again.”  cf. St. Stephen in Acts.

Very well said, Simcha.  I sit here embarassed (again, and again…)while, and after, reading you blog.  I wish I could have said this as well as you.  I generally feel that such revelation needs to come from within, not without.  But this was good for me. Gunfights and quick draws are best left to the movies.  I need to reflect ,honestly, before shooting off my mouth. And pray. Thank you.

Man have I been there—often. I just want to say that while I think the post is awesome (as usual), the commentators who say we should leave charity to the professionals are making a mistake. Jesus said to give to all who ask, but one way of helping without either being taken to the cleaner by a scam artist or harming someone who has an addiction is to give them food instead of money. It definitely takes more time, but that way you know they aren’t spending the money badly, and scam artists generally won’t say yes to your offer to take them to the grocery store or bring back groceries for them.

Carla Hanson
www.Catholichomeschool.com