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Funding the Couch Bum

09/13/2011 Comments (38)

For the first time in a long time, New Hampshire pro-lifers had reason for hope.

It had become public knowledge that Planned Parenthood routinely lies and exploits women and routinely commits financial fraud.

We heard from their own employees that most of the services they provide to Medicaid patients can easily be found elsewhere.

And with high unemployment and foreclosure rates, it kind of chafed to learn that NH Planned Parenthood CEO Steve Trombley rakes in $250,000 a year to head a non-profit, taxpayer-funded organization.

And a lightbulb went off in the minds of NH voters.  It was kind of like the moment when mom and dad realize that their son’s college friend, who’s been crashing on the couch for the last eight months, can afford an iPhone, a motorcycle, and a $70 pair of jeans, but somehow never manages to scrape up enough cash to pitch in for the rent.  He smokes pot and brings home skeezy girlfriends, and they’re fairly sure he has fleas.

And mom and dad ask each other, “Remind me why we’re putting up with this?”

So they put their foot down.  They cut him off.  The NH Executive Council voted not to renew Planned Parenthood’s $1.8 million contract—enough is enough!  When there’s not enough money to cover the basics, responsible voters turn a fishy eye on the dead weight in the budget.

Remember, whenever someone criticizes Planned Parenthood, they immediately set up a howl of protest: “Abortion?  What abortion?  That’s just a tiny piece of the pie!  We’re not about abortion.  We’re about pelvic exams and education—that’s why we’re really here.”

So when their funding was cut, they proved their dedication to all things not-abortion by immediately stripping away all of their services . . . except for abortion.

So mom and dad knew they had done the right thing.  Planned Parenthood, the ultimate Couch Bum, never had any intention of shaping up.  The whole world could see that NH had no choice but to send the bum packing.  The voters dug out Couch Bum’s suitcases and made some happy plans about what to with that part of the basement once he was gone. 

It is their house, after all.

Now let’s switch gears for a minute and imagine a day in the life of Barack Obama.  All the poor guy wanted to do was to play president for a while so he could gather material for his third autobiography.  But people keep knocking on his office door ALL DAY LONG, pestering and harrassing him about the stupid economy, the stupid budget, the stupid hundreds of thousands of troops deployed, the unemployment rate, the national debt, blah blah blah.  Why can’t they just give him some more awards and then leave him alone so can get his lousy daily minimum four hours of fresh air?

While he’s brooding about this injustice, he checks Facebook, and he cannot believe his eyes.  Right at the top of his feed is the status of his IRL bestie:  “COUCH BUM is being oppressed again!  How am I gonna pay for my weed if I have to pay rent?”

Mr. Obama snaps into action—this cannot stand.  He fires up The Beast, and shows up at mom and dad’s front door in NH in no time flat, puffing and fuming with righteous indignation over man’s inhumanity to Couch Bum.

And with an imperial stroke of the pen, he refunds Planned Parenthood to the tune of $1.8 million.  Never mind what the governor said, never mind how the Executive Council voted.  Never mind what the citizens of New Hampshire asked for, and never mind that the state already provides a wide array of women’s health and “family planning” services.

NH voters don’t want state funds to pay for abortions, but Mr. Obama’s arms are long enough to snake around to the taxpayer’s other pocket—the one that pays for federal taxes.  The president is more than happy to help himself to those funds, and he places them firmly in the sweaty grasp of Couch Bum, who’s been hanging around just inside the door, smirking and waiting to be rescued.

Couch Bum was never really worried.  He never even packed his bags.  Obama winks and says, “Now, make sure you use this money sensibly, you hear me?”  But they both knows that money is fungible; Couch Bum can use it for whatever he wants.  The Hyde Amendment says federal funds can’t pay for abortions, but Planned Parenthood has shown that abortion is their cash cow, and any funds they receive help to keep that cow fed.

So, the taxpayers lose.  Mom and dad are the suckers again.  The Couch Bum settles back into his comfortable spot, lights up a joint, and loudly wonders what time dinner will be ready. 

And Obama goes back to Washington, feeling happy and content that he’s on track with the one and only accomplishment of his presidency:  making sure that abortion reigns, no matter what the voters say.




[Due to a typo, a sentence in paragraph 7 originally read “the NH Executive Council voted 2-3 not to renew Planned Parenthood’s $1.8 million contract.”  This is incorrect, and has been changed to reflect the actual vote of the Executive Council.]

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About Simcha Fisher

Simcha Fisher
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Simcha Fisher, author of The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning writes for several publications and blogs at I Have to Sit Down. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband and nine children. Without supernatural aid, she would hardly be a human being.