My baby is now 2 ½ months old. She is a delightful baby, completely charming, very friendly, healthy, lovely, and undemanding.
The pregnancy, however, was horrible. Granted, I only have eight other pregnancies to compare it with, but this one was really outstandingly wretched. Nothing went wrong—but nothing went right, either. People were actually in awe of how miserable I looked, and that was when I was trying to hide how miserable I felt! Phew, it was just awful.
Still, looking back, I see that it was an extremely fruitful time. Not only was I growing a truly wonderful baby, but I figured out a thing or two about life in general. Maybe other people don’t have to be pregnant to figure these things out, but I did! Here’s what I learned:
1. If someone offers to help, it may actually be selfish to say no. Very few people offer to help if they don’t mean it or don’t really want to. Most people go around feeling guilty for not doing more for each other; so saying “yes” is actually doing them a favor—letting them check off their good deeds list with something concrete. Don’t let your vanity or sense of privacy deny someone the chance to do a mitzvah.
2. You’re eating for two. A pregnant woman’s body is linked directly to her unborn child’s body: for better or worse, almost everything she takes in goes right to the little one. Guess what? There are no private acts of selfishness for anyone who is a member of the Body of Christ. Every poison we allow ourselves to ingest—pornography, gossip, habits of nastiness and mediocrity—they all hurt the most vulnerable members. Likewise, every wholesome and nourishing thing—acts of love, patient words, works of charity—these build up the weaker members and make the whole body stronger.
3. Taking good care of yourself doesn’t mean spoiling yourself. In my first few pregnancies, I “took care of myself” by treating myself like a sultan’s wife—and ended up feeling like a manatee with chronic fatigue syndrome. In truth, taking care of yourself means treating yourself like a foolish child: you have to put yourself to bed even if you wanna stay up and watch TV; you have to eat your spinach even if that Twinkie looks more inviting. You have to be good to yourself by going to confession even if its weird and uncomfortable; you have to take care of yourself by turning off Facebook if it’s making you bitter or upset. No matter what your state in life, spoiling yourself isn’t the same as being good to yourself. Be smart: you know how to do this.
4. On the other hand: Not everything that’s pleasant is bad for you. I finally learned to stop apologizing for taking a nap when I’m pregnant. Sometimes, in our eagerness to pursue self-improvement, we automatically lump together pleasure and sin, and self-righteously reject anything pleasurable—or else we wreck it by feeling guilty. It’s good to be disciplined, but don’t insult the God from whom all goodness flows by rejecting or being a snob about that goodness. It’s there for you—take some!
5. Don’t skip your daily vitamins. You may not realize how much that little red pill is doing to make you strong, but will find out pretty quickly if you skip taking it for a couple of days. Do the little things that keep your strength up: daily prayer, for one.
6. Listen carefully to your cravings. One pregnancy, every evening would find me hunched over the counter, gobbling dry lemonade mix by the spoonful. If I had thought more carefully about this insane craving, I would have realized that I was probably deficient in Vitamin C, and my body was hounding me to look for citrus fruits, not sugar crystals and Yellow 5 Lake. Likewise, our desires can be very telling IF we’re smart about what they say. Many self-destructive behaviors are really just inches away from something good, something we really do need, and really should want. WHY do you want what you want? Listen closely, and don’t be deceived.
7. Being able to work is a blessing. One of the hardest parts about being heavily pregnant is working and wishing you didn’t have to. The other hardest part is not being able to work when you want to. As Peter’s mother-in-law undoubtedly knew, there are few greater pleasures than feeling useful again, so it’s good to remember to feel grateful for the ability to work.
8. Remember that it’s all FOR something. A good midwife will help a laboring woman remember what is remarkably easy to forget when the pain gets bad: that we’re going to get a baby out of this. Whether your suffering is from being actually in labor, or if it’s the pressure and work that no mortal man or woman can escape: “Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 15:58) The fruit of any suffering in this world is a new life to come. Don’t forget!
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Awesome wisdom as usual. Thanks Simcha!
Very insightful. Numbers two and six really caused me to think. My wife and I went through three pregnancies and the things I learned had much less depth: Stand where the doctor tells you and move when told to; Don’t describe what you see to your wife or use words like “gross”; the first child takes the longest to be born, you don’t have time to run get a sandwich waiting for the second or third.
You hit this one straight out of the ballpark! I’m infertile so never been pregnant but all your points were very well made. I especially love no.1 because I have a hard time with it. I am a mom of 2 through adoption and all your observations are completely applicable.
I love it!! With #4, I am so there. I don’t me daily nap as a luxury but as a necessity, especially in the first trimester. It’s right up there with eating every couple of hours.
And I hear you on #5, too. I noticed that the first pregnancy that I got diagnosed with an iron deficiency was the first one in which I craved cheeseburgers, which I had pretty much detested before. I remember reading in Marilyn Shannon’s “Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition” that many women crave chocolate before/during their period because it has a vitamin or mineral (can’t remember which one) that many women experience a deficiency that really becomes extreme during that part of the cycle.
This was such a great post especially the part where you relate takIng our vitamins to daily prayer as a way to keep our strength up.
crap. Are you sure you didn’t get this stuff from my head (alien invader style) and then write it down to make me do what I’m supposed to? Rats.
Ps- thanks
I am thankful that people don’t say things like ‘awesome wisdom’ to me. I couldn’t handle it.—or it would take awhile.
If Simcha wrote something on a ... say dead leaf, I’d subscribe to it!
Last Spring I pulled up to a grocery store and handed my daughter a “five”, saying, “Quick! Jump out and get me a box of vanilla zingers!” She obeyed, but looked at me suspiciously. Later that evening, she and her older brother cornered me in the kitchen with folded arms and inquisitory faces, saying “You’re PREGNANT, aren’t you!”
My funny bone misses “Big and Angry”, which was a special pleasure. Please don’t confuse this for a lack of empathy.
My soul loves your wise observations.
@RichardC: yes indeed! I’ve gotten much better at letting the insults roll off my back, but need to develop a thicker skin for the compliments.
@ thank you for #4. Amen to that—reminds me of a story of the Little Flower. She was suffering from TB, and “tempted” not to avail herself of heat to warm her frigid room. Our Lord made her realize that giving thanks for the heat was a better offering than the sacrifice she had considered, of shivering in the cold.
Barbara C.: It is magnesium. I have studied that book backwards and forwards.
Simcha: This is great. I’ve never been pregnant, but I can see how these insights really apply in the Christian life.
I am way beyond child bearing years and am a proud grandmother. I just loved this. It is so true. I will share this with the young women on my list. Thanks for taking the precious time to write it.
Excellent, excellent advice to a woman expecting number 3. I’ve been working especially hard on number 3. Thanks so much!
“Many self-destructive behaviors are really just inches away from something good, something we really do need, and really should want.”
Wow! That is so true!
My daughter has been telling me about your blog; I’m so glad I listened to her.
8 mo. pregnant with no. 9 - - Do I have to eat my spinach?? For some reason that one really jumped out at me.
You don’t have to get pregnant to learn all that—people should take care of themselves before they get pregnant (if they are women) or even if they never get pregnant.
Can’t you discuss something more relevant to Catholicism other than motherhood?
@Laura: from paragraph 3:
“Maybe other people don’t have to be pregnant to figure these things out, but I did!”
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But to answer your question: no.
Aha! Somebody did get offended after all! I thought it was impossible, given the content of the post, but I should have known better.
Well, you make all of us women who can’t have children feel worthless in the eyes of the Church. We basically can’t have sex for pleasure, and probably should not marry and deprive a healthy man his children. Artificial means of having babies are also frowned upon.
You must have had a pretty lousy teacher for health and hygiene before you got knocked up.
Simcha, if you stop writing about motherhood, I’m going to stop reading. And, Laura, there are few things more relevant to Catholicism than motherhood.
@Laura, I can see that you’re writing out of personal pain. I truly am sorry that you are unable to have children. As I get older, I am more and more grateful that I haven’t been given that cross. I do write about motherhood a lot, because it’s what I know a lot about. If my posts give you pain, please avoid reading them. There are certain authors who always upset me, through no fault of their own, but just because of my own circumstances. I just avoid reading them.
Yes, I have personal pain—I could accept my situation, but I feel excluded from events and friendships because I can’t relate to their experiences and they don’t seem to want to relate to mine (they perceive it as “sad”).
Most of my friendships and activities are outside the church because of this. I would like to feel more welcome to the faith because of who I am, now in spite of what I am not.
Well, I can see how that would be extremely discouraging, although most of MY friendships and activities are outside of the church, too—I don’t just automatically get along with other mothers, and also often feel frustrated when people see me as “that mom with all the kids,” when there is more to me than that!
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Is it possible, though, that you come off as hostile toward people with children? I’m not trying to psychoanalyze you, but if you introduce yourself (as you did here) as the person who is very touchy about motherhood, then, yeah, you probably will have a hard time. I suggest this because I think that I often shoot myself in the foot where friendships are concerned, because I’m paranoid that people will judge me because of my big family. I can look back at times when I felt excluded, and now realize that I was the one who was preemptively excluding myself.
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Or, maybe everyone in your Church is a jerk - also a distinct possibility!
I really like this one, Simcha, and yes it does seem geared to pregnant women who can take teh pregnancy “stuff” they have already heard and *get* your link to the spiritual side. But as pointed out, the spiritual side is obvious and stands on its own.
About this one:
“No matter what your state in life, spoiling yourself isn’t the same as being good to yourself. Be smart: you know how to do this.”
I do disagree that people know how to take care of themselves. In fact, the relationship we have to our bodies (and its correspondance to the soul) is perhaps one of the most incomprehensible and screwy parts of life in American culture today. (Not to exclude other cultures, just not trying to act like my life is has the same problems as everybody else in the world.)
Many of us do *not* know how to properly take care of ourselves, especially in the sense of “knowing” that implies the integration of knowledge and habit. Whether through our upbringing or from having thrown in with some of the upside-down philosophies running around calling out to us, people actually reach adulthood not knowing what a foolish child needs, not even to mention that we, the adult, are that foolish child.
And, to clarify by upbringing: I was thinking of abusive, neglectful or impoverished upbringing.
Lol: “Or, maybe everyone in your Church is a jerk - also a distinct possibility!
I’m really bad at the putting myself to bed part, but pretty good at getting in some physical activity every day. Working on eating more veggies and less gourmet ice cream.
My daughter is 3 months this week and is also undemanding. It’s hard to not just stare at her all the time and threaten to nibble on her (more).
@Corita, are you the same Corita that was posting over at SOB today? If so, good job.
Simcha - I’m expecting my sixth - just read your post “To The Mother with Only One Child” today. I’m a bit late, but I thought you should know I’m subscribing because of that one. Somehow. RSS feed or homepaging this or something. Wanted to say that I also shoot myself in the foot, often, by excluding myself from friendships on a preemptive basis. I tend to view most other women with suspicion. I’m not a Catholic, just someone who knows Christ and is rebuilding her life, and some of my past choices put me in a position to invite judgment. Discussing my past causes a bit of recoil in nearly everyone unless it’s approached extremely carefully, and to be honest it’s not something I can deal with every day. For that reason, the online community has become vital for my self-instruction and to get an insight into the hearts of other believing women, especially if they have a lot of kids. I’m glad to have found your blog.
Great post Simcha
@Katie. Not sure if I should out myself, but, yes.
I am getting to the part now where I realize I have been rude to a couple of people over the past few days and now have to apologize…not to mention live with being labelled the religious zealot of the community. Sigh.
So I have a “shout out” to my sisters (and brothers) here, on the eve of Lent: One of my dear friends is suffering from stage 4 cancer. She has 7 kids, ages 13 and down. Last June, she sat on the beach with me and another friend. Our kids (a whole throng) were all playing happily in the ocean and in the sand. My friend and I were pregnant. Our friend Suzanne explained to me that her cancer had gone to her brain. She said that if her body did not respond to the new round of Chemo, she would be dead within the month. She had just had a treatment, and was exhausted. She fell asleep in the sand, and her two-year-old curled up with her and fell asleep too. It is an image burned in my brain. Later, the dolphins came out to play, like I’d never seen in over 40 years… One of my friend’s strangest symptoms of her failing health was a distended stomach. The three of us sat on the beach. Me, 7 months pregnant, our friend Melissa, 5 months pregnant, and Suzanne, whose stomach would distend to the point that her children would ask her if she was pregnant. It weighed on me, because I knew there was a higher truth there. It wasn’t just that a young woman who hadn’t reached the age of 40, and would never have another baby was deprived of this sublime joy… It wasn’t until later, that I realized that she *was* pregnant. Not with *one* child but with *many*. She was pregnant in the way that *all* those who *give their life to Christ* are pregnant. Please pray for her this Lent, she is fighting for her life. She writes about her journey with cancer at a blogspot called “Raising Saints”.
Many self-destructive behaviors are really just inches away from something good, something we really do need, and really should want.
You know, an old confessor of mine used to remind me constantly that you can’t fan the air out of a barrel. I was prone (and still am) to thinking that remorse and guilt-tripping were enough to put me on the right track after a big sin, but just kept coming back to the same sins. His advice was basically the same nugget of wisdom: If sin is like missing the mark of happiness (albeit selfishly and somewhat consciously), ask yourself what you’re really seeking and try to adjust your aim.
Woops - that first part was meant in quotes from the post.
Another great post! I’m 6 months pregnant, this would be my first and boy do I need all the advice I can get!! I definitely can say, this isn’t natural to me….I’m very much startled by her every kick and can’t understand how most women find it endearing! This article offers me much needed info.
Number one was such a big lesson, I felt soo bad my Husband had to “take on more” ...like reminding me to eat (Another oddity I have come to find out)
Now onto the rest… :)
Thank you Simcha. There is much to reflect upon in this lighthearted article of yours…
“Many self-destructive behaviors are really just inches away from something good, something we really do need, and really should want”
So true. And I would assert that, for a huge percentage of them, the good thing we really do need and want deep down is simply God and our place in Eden, in eternity, in His Presence without hindrance. That “God-shaped void” gets stuffed with an endless array of ill-suited stuff shoved in, and sometimes the weight of glory is more than can ever be filled this side of heaven… but, oh, do we try!
Or is that just me? : )
anna lisa: I am praying for your friend.
What an awesome article! I see how I can apply these principles to my own daily conversion and prayers!
I prayed for your friend,too, Anna Lisa.
Hey Simcha,good observations.thank you again. a few more pregnancies and you will be wiser than Solomon.. i was thinking all that wisdom could just be applied to life in general.
Love this post, and really appreciate that so often you help me be more at peace in the place I seem to find myself since I tried to actually let God lead—the place which at times seems somehow wrong or too easy or too hard, according to “everyone else.” (E.g. this pregnancy I sleep in! nap! fall asleep after dinner! and don’t feel guilty! huge progress in humility, peace of mind and happy wife/mama!) I’m halfway through my pregnancy with #4 and I have no close friends or relatives with big families, so your honesty and humor about the blessings and challenges of this particular vocation are incredibly reassuring, clarifying and thought-provoking. Let me emphasize what good medicine your humor is. (And for me, Big and Angry has transformed third trimester smashingly, forever.)
Corita and Nancy, :)!@ Simcha, Thank you for connecting pregnancy to *all Christians* I wish that more Christians who see themselves as “infertile” could see that they are *not* EXCLUDED from “fecundity”, of an even *higher* order…The line you draw between the choices we make for our bodies, the suffering, and the joys offered up, and the impact on our brothers and sisters everywhere, is profound. I thought of my friend, who I described above, who has such a joyful spirit in the face of death, and how keenly aware she is of the “gift” of coredemption that she has been given. Her “mansion” in heaven will be filled to OVERFLOWING with “children”. How beautiful.
Thank you, Simcha. I really needed to hear this. Especially the last two sentences.
This article really spoke to me even though I have never been pregnant. I have been fighting breast cancer for the past year. Thanks to the good Lord above that I am cancer free and almost finished with all of my treatments. #s 1,7, & 8 especially spoke to me. So many times I said no to help when I should have accepted. I was too busy trying to appear to be strong when I wasn’t. I had to very often remind myself that I should be grateful that I could work through most of my surgeries and treatments, even when it was very, very hard. Jesus surrounded me with amazing people who told me this was for something good, to be cancer free. Your article reminded me of my lessons learned - courage, humility, and strength that I never knew I had. Thank you for writing this in such a way that it applied to me, too! Anna Lisa, your friend is in my prayers.
THANKS FOR THE WISDOM & INSIGHT..I CAN RELATE MYSELF TO YOUR EXPERIENCES…
Dont know how all this came about(could be T>H>S>)! Great to read about another Christian Woman who is a woman and knows that her Husband ( The Man in her life) is the leader !
Will some real men start to stand for Jesus, and show more of their LOVE of GOD ,by spreading His Holy Word…. personally speaking, more respect for our fellow men is generated by respect for ourselves and our loved ones , and as soon as we love each other our love of God starts !
Help us Lord to realize that Your Love is the only security we will ever need ! ( keep this to yourselves now!)
Awesome and enlighting! Thanks!
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