Afraid the world is getting smarter? Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just can’t decide if we’re all about rugged individualism, progressive environmentalism, or just good old fashioned booze chugging:
Hybrids Trump Handicapped At Liquor Store
In order to receive Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design certification, Nashua’s new 20,000-square foot liquor store, which is owned and operated by the state, was “built with solar panels, geo-thermal heating and cooling systems, local building materials and recycled products.”
The problem? It was also designed with reserved parking spaces right in front of the door. Not for the handicapped, though—they had those, too, but they were further down. Who got the primo spots? Low emission and hybrid cars, of course!
Yeah.
Apparently there is some fishy explanation that the handicapped spots were placed halfway between both entrances, so handicapped people could reach the main door and the bathroom door with equal ease. This explanation should relieve your concerns, as long as the handicap they have in mind is a small bladder.
See, I frequently get accused of hating the environment in a most un-christian way, but this is not fair. I actually love the natural world, and my family’s lifestyle is amazingly green. No, really all I hate is professional environmentalists, because of the way they are jerks.
The sheer moronitude of the environmental planning board’s decision boggles the mind. First, how did they not realize how much outrage it would generate? It’s a policy just begging for inflammatory headlines. I’m imagining the environmentalists putting their heads together, realizing that ideas like forced sterilizations make them kind of unpopular. “I know!” says one stringy fellow in hemp biking shorts. “We need a new message, to make our ideas more palatable. How does this strike you:’Nyah, nyah, cripples—we got here first!’ ” And the rest of them were like, “If I weren’t going through a hetero stage right now, Nigel, I’d kiss you on the mouth.”
Second, Nashua, NH is a pretty left-leaning little city. But it’s still NH, folks—not especially known for our tree-hugging ways. We like trees. We also burn them. We recycle because it’s easier than lugging stuff out to the fire pit in the back yahd. We wear natural fiber clothes because that’s what was half price at the rummage sale. We don’t fly on gas-guzzling jets because there’s no one we want to go see, as long as we have a six pack of MGD and an aluminum lawn chair in the living room back home.
Third, I don’t know if this is a NH thing or just a thing, but have you ever actually seen people park? They will endlessly circle the lot like lunatics, spending twenty minutes on perfect spot-hunting for every two minutes they spend actually shopping. To encourage less gas consumption, the state should issue “Ridiculously Lazy” tags, and designate parking spots inside the store itself. You’d solve the budget problem right there, selling lazy tags.
Fourth, your typical hybrid car driver is permanently intoxicated by a sense of his own wonderfulness anyway, so what is he doing at the liquor store?
No, if there were any justice in the world, I’ll tell you what the parking lot would look like.
First in line would be handicapped people, because they’re handicapped.
Second in line: pregnant women, with or without other children in tow. If you’re outraged at the idea of a pregnant woman visiting the liquor store, I’ll join you. It’s an outrage! The liquor store should be making house calls from the second trimester on.
Third: people who really need a drink, no questions asked. Come on, it’s a liquor store. Liquor. Liquor.
And so on.
But you know, I would go further than designating spots for easy accessablity. As long as this kind of obnoxious social engineering is now kosher, let’s put the power of shame to work—let’s designate parking spots for people who could benefit from a few obstacles to easy access.
For instance, college students could have spots reserved at the nearest Catholic church. That way, sooner or later they’re bound to regain consciousness at a time when confession is scheduled. Priests are tough; they can handle getting thrown up on from time to time, to save a soul.
Women who don’t especially like the taste of alcohol, and who are in danger of throwing away perfectly good cash on ridiculous new gynocentric beverages, could be required to park at Wendy’s, where they easily buy what they clearly actually want: a nice milk shake.
Progressive consumers on the prowl for wine with edgy, esoteric hipster names like or “Listeriosis Nouvelle” or “Châteauneuf a la My Slug Wears a Spangled Fedora Ho Ho Isn’t That Droll” could probably find ample parking up their own, oh, um, why am I writing for a Catholic publication again?
In closing, I’d like to say: Are you going to eat that olive?
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Natural selection.
When you combine drunk driving (a huge problem in my state) with little fuel efficient cars, you get… something really bad for the driver of the very small car.
Clearly the state is trying to reduce it’s population of drinkers with small cars.
The funniest one we ever saw was at Gettysburg—- there was a huge parking lot, right next to the visitor’s center, reserved for “Hybrid, Electric and FLEXFUEL vehicles.”
We have a huge minivan (need to upgrade to the homeschooling bus soon!) We have never, ever, but Ethanol in, because when you figure it out by price per mile driven, it is NEVER cheaper than regular gas, and you need to fill up more! (just what we need on a long car trip—more stops where the kids wake up and start screaming!)
But, it’s a 2005 Chrysler, and all the cars that year were Flexfuel. So we got to park right at the edge of the sidewalk and mosey on in.
The lot was almost abandoned, and as we left, we counted the cars of the poor schlubs who’d parked about half a mile a way who COULD have parked in the green parking, if only they’d known…....
And to top it all off, for the first time in my life, I got to act green-smug! Look! I bought the MORAL car, I’m superior! (Ok, honestly we bought the used car that fit our budget and our family and had the best reviews.)
Anyway, the reason *I* hate greenies is because they’re always going on about reducing their carbon footprint by having only one kid and not shopping at Walmart.
But when you actually look at the Carbon print PER PERSON in our house, we’re kicking their butt. Actually, given the hand-me-downs, the fact we can’t afford a 3000 square foot house and boat like they can, the fact we have ONE car instead of 2, and the fact that flying to Costa Rica is out and “staycationing” by picking our own locally grown fruit is in, the 7 of us are probably kicking their “low-carbon” butts even in absolute terms. (Of course, #7 is currently living in the ultimate eco-friendly residence!)
But we’re not green, because some of our hand-me-downs are polyester instead of organic bamboo. And because sometimes, when it’s easier, I just throw the paper and plastic in the trash—- heck…if we need it for recycling later, we’ll know where to find it! Todays Landfills are tommorrow’s easy-to-exploit resource mines!
Our city recently added one of those trendy outdoor “shopping village” type deals to our regular old mall. All of the closest spots are for hybrid cars, including a few spaces with little recharging posts for those with electric cars. It annoyed me tremendously to see the handicapped spaces farther back, especially when I think of my neighbor and her three year old son who is wheelchair bound. We all know how un-green those dumb wheelchairs are, right?
I love how prolific a writer you are during this stage of pregnancy.
Favorite column ever. Time-wasting TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. Thank you for a happy Friday!
I see New Hampshites are at least consistant with their sense of humor, some of the comments from that post…I bet you could “pull up in an Uncle Buck car, take both hybrid spots and go in and pick up a 30 pack of PBR for my husband. Then blow out some serious smoke as I leave.” heh
I literally laughed out loud through 75% of this post. My husband is looking at me askance from the kitchen wondering if he should come to my rescue with a paper bag or something. “Only if it contains a 40!” I respond.
HI-LA-rious!
And I’d sure like to see the bathrooms in that place that are so awesome people go there just to use the facilities. Personally, when we’re on the road I like to stop at Cracker Barrel for that reason because it’s cleaner than the commode at my house. At least now I know that if we’re in NH, we can herd all the kids into the state liquor store when they have to go.
How does this strike you:’Nyah, nyah, cripples—we got here first!’ ” And the rest of them were like, “If I weren’t going through a hetero stage right now, Nigel, I’d kiss you on the mouth.”
Good thing I’m parked near the bathroom (on my couch). I almost lost my faculties reading that line! LOL
Bike racks??!! Where are the bike racks?
There’s a big bike rack outside the Home Depot by us (needless to say, it is not situated close to any homes). Every time we go, we need to mention that we’d love to see someone muscle home a piece of sheetrock or a grill, perhaps a reciprocating saw on their shoulders for the drive home.
Now, I am picturing the guy balancing a few cases of beer on their handlebars. Good laugh for a Friday morning.
I must admit that we have a hybrid car and I’ve parked in those spaces a couple of times. But for heaven’s sake, in the lots that I’ve seen, the hybrid spaces have been further away than the handicapped spots, and that’s as it should be!
I’ve also seen some supermarkets that have spaces reserved for families with small children, usually right next to the shopping cart return corral. Those are wicked smaht, and I hope you have some of those in NH.
I saw that article and just about blew a gasket. I really doubt they’re aiming at a New Hampshire audience, though. No doubt a lot of “morally superior” Massachusetts residents frequent Nashua liquor stores. ;) Good grief. Thanks for the laugh, though—my husband is going to love this article!!!
My new favorite word: moronitude.
We love NH, for its beauty, but could never figure out a state run liquor store. Oh yes, money wise, we could, but a drive in right by the freeway? Dumb, to say the least.
As for the green business, we were green long before all those greenies were, and certainly green in all areas, since we always had one car, burned wood to keep warm, had a garden and canned lots of goodies, apple trees that turned into amazing homemade juice, spiced even, too our cans, glass and paper to the local recycle place, where local handicapped worked, and on and on, just because we knew it was the right thing to do, and oh yes, it kept our bill down for garbage, since we had to pay a per bag fee at the local land fill, all the while living in a town in the beauty of N. MN, with less than 900 people. There were lots of others living amongst the trees and with the deer and bear. Oh yes, we also ate venison, but I suppose those greenies would not have liked that, but I bet they eat LOTS of chicken. Do they think they just change into a piece of white meat in their store on their own, w/o dying?
Anyway, this parking for hybrids I am sure has a lot to do with Mr. Os stimulus plan, and conditions of it. Hybrids are horrendously expensive, are not family friendly, and as stated the alternate fuel is expensive and inefficient, and that leaves out the part where the business of making it is subsidized by US, our tax money, not to mention causing the price of corn to soar and increasing famine in the world, since the high price cannot be afforded by the poor.
Lastly, all this green buidling costs a fortune, and how do these greenies think the recycled stuff is made into building materials, with a wantd? It tkes huge amounts of energy to do it, trees are there for a purpose, and guess what; they are RENEWABLE. God made them taht way. (my husband is a forester, and boy, do not get him going on this nonsense. A normally calm guy gets upset with this tree hugging nonsense, and for that matter reclying gone mad, since he says the dumps need the papers and things, as they go back to the soil…or something crazy like that). It is insane out there, and the sad thing is, it is a very small minority that is insane, and yet they are taking over; scarry.
We could all right books about this subject. Just remember to vote for sanity, in all elections, be it local, state or national. Our country needs us to do this, or we will be in big trouble. Christ’s peace!!
We have a 7 year old Sienna and we always park in those “Fuel efficient” spots here in Chicagoland. As my husband like to point out “fuel efficient” is relative. I haven’t seen “hybrid” designated spots though . . . .
As a Massachusetts resident, i’d like to thank New Hampshire for situating its state liquor stores conveniently on the major highways so we can drive up on Sundays and buy booze when the Puritans back here won’t let us. I wnder how many of those Priuses have Mass. plates on them?
I really needed to start the day with a laugh!
Oh my! I’m guffawing over here. Must share this post.
Wicked awesome article. I live in the “other New Hampsha” which is to say “above the notch”. You gotta be from NH to know what I am talking about. My local liguor store is next to the Family Dolla, so I can pick up my booze and diapers for the little ones in one trip. And I park wherever the frick I feel like parking, ‘cause up here we carry our shotguns around with us in case we see a pahtridge on the way home to the shanty. Live Free or Die.
Nothing to share on the greenitude front, but I *did* jump a median in my minivan to get to a Frosty when pregnant once.
It really doesn’t matter if they get there after the cripples. They still get a better spot.
This is great! We do have 2 Prius’ (Prii?) but more because of the savings on gas than because it’s “green”. One of my friends calls the Prius “the Pious”!
I don’t think this would work at the liquor store, but if there’s anyone that’s prevented from parking in a nice spot reserved for “fuel-efficient” cars, I say divide the miles per gallon by the number of seats in the vehicle…I’m sure you’ll find that 15 passenger vans end up being highly efficient!
“Here guys! We booted those people who actually need a good parking space so that you can have a special spot for your status symbol!” Yeah. Owning a hybrid isn’t the surefire sign of being environmentally-conscious, it’s the sign of having the money to spend on it.
Here in DC, they allow hybrids to travel in the HOV lanes, even if they’re not actually carpooling. Do they actually think hybrids are so wonderful it’s like driving half as many cars? What’s the point of the HOV lane if it’s not encouraging people to carpool? It’s basically destroyed the old custom of “slugging” (hitching a ride with a stranger so you can both be in the HOV lane).
Also, so many people do it that the traffic is just as bad in the carpool lane. Which sort of destroys the point.
What bothers me about the upfront parking spots for these special car owners is cost. At this point, most hybrid owners are rich or have the luxury to own two cars: one hybrid, one regular. So basically this new rule means: rich people get front seats even before the disabled. Of course, they always get the front seats at concerts, special events, etc but now they will get special treatment just for going to the store. I’m so sick of the pro-rich message in this country. So many Americans are in grave poverty and all the state and govt can do is boost the rich so they get richer.
My friend in Fl has a paraplegic 50 year old son - she has a big old van with a label hanging from her mirror with a handicapped logo which you really can’t see from your car. Cars park right next to her side door where his lift comes down… often times she has to move her van to get him back in because his door is blocked.
She can’t get a license tag with a handicapped logo because they are only issued to drivers that are handicapped. Hello? He’s a paraplegic!
The best thing about your own priority list is that it obviously takes into consideration who really needs a drink: the handicapped, pregnant women and/or large families, and other people-who-really-need-a-drink. Any right-thinking person would see in an instant than these shouldn’t have to drag themselves any further than necessary.
Folks, just do what we do down south….it’s not a handicapped sign, ignore it! Does your City/State really have enough money to put an officer in the parking lot to cut tickets?
Speaking of burning wood Simcha….I’m most comfortable cutting down trees in my fur coat. How about you?
Holy moly cow. That new gynocentric beverage. Wow. How embarrassing for everyone. And the name sounds like something from the porn industry. Yuck!
Ditto on the pregnant-or-dragging-kids-in-tow parking spot. Why don’t they have drive through windows like Texas does? It’s not like people don’t have to drive there anyway when they put them in the middle of the highway!!!
I dunno about the Prius, but I’ve seen a few of those Smart Cars putt-putting down the road here in Central Florida and those things have got to be death traps. They look like golf carts with doors. I would not want to be in one of those things trying to pass a semi on I-4.
When I first saw the story I couldn’t believe it. Neither could most of the other Live Free or Diers who live around here. Last we heard, the parking situation in Nashua is being reexamined.
Carl, Middleton, NH
@Harvey - As I was reading this, I was thinking about the beautiful drive-thru liquor stores in TX!! I live in MA on the NH border (Nashua-Hudson). I saw that new liquor store in Nashua but haven’t been there. I like that Market Basket carries beer and wine in the store, so I can just pick up what I need while doing the weekly shopping. I do get tired of the self-righteous attitudes of people who snarl at my children and are horrified if I throw away something that could be recycled.
I think that you should argue that your car is low emissions because when you average out the gas per mile over the number of people you are driving, well, you’re doing better than a Prius. :)
Also, on what grounds is an officer going to decide if a car has low or high emissions? Does he have a list of the “good cars”?
I think you should park your bicycle there just to be an ass. And I love your idea about delivery for second trimester onward!
I’m a fan of newer battery/hybrid tech and even govt assisting that industry, but very much against special parking spaces for anybody except handicap.
Okay…honestly, I’m enraged, too, that a hybrid can trump a blue hang tag. HOWEVER, before we get too riled up, there may be a very logical, engineering reason behind the decision to place the handicapped parking places further from the door that the ‘green’ spaces.
The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) has VERY stringent guidelines for the design of parking spaces, ramps, sidewalks, thresholds, etc, which are based upon the slope of the pathway that a handicapped person must travel to get to a door. The shortest path from car to door is often the most steep path, and that isn’t allowed per the ADA. Very often handicapped spaces are placed further away from the door in order to comply with ADA requirements for a continuous, relatively flat pathway - and that pathway includes the ramp to get from the parking pavement to the sidewalk as well as the ramp to get from the sidewalk to the threshold of the door.
It may appear that the tree huggers are getting special treatment, but in reality, they are getting the leftover spaces that weren’t good [i.e. flat] enough for the handicapped patrons.
Just so you know - I’m a civil engineer in Texas…and yes, I’ve designed sites where I was forced to move handicapped parking spaces away from the door in order to comply with all of the ADA rules.
@Angela—not arguing with you, BUT—when I had a temporary (red) parking placard, my biggest issue was just sheer pain with walking. The sooner I could lay my hands on a shopping cart (in lieu of a walker since they don’t carry toddlers) the better. Slopes and spaces be damned. Just get me close to the door.
Sometimes this is why I like living in TX. They tried the parking space thing at my bank and I’ve never seen anything less than a V8 in those spaces. And no one says a word because everyone owns a gun.
I actually laughed out loud. Few people in this world get on my nerves like the greenies.
Maybe the people with gigantic class envy chips on their shoulders might surpass the greenies on my irritation scale. I don’t know, it’s a close call, but I think the greenies win.
While I am not from new hampshire, I do love my MGD, so I sincerly hope that was not meant to be dseparating.
Disparaging
I have been informed, by good and reliable authority, that the plural of Prius is Prien.
I drive an older Prius with Massachusetts plates - the new Choose Life ones! I haven’t been to the NH state liquor store yet, and don’t know if I’d dare to take one of the new reserved spots if I did, but tell me… when will NH get the Choose Life plates???
Our newly redesigned county library was deliberately built to be “green,” and so it included those spots Simcha is talking about. However, the sign reads, “For fuel efficient, hybrids, and car- and vanpool.” I park the family minivan there with no compunction whatever. If I take more than 2 of my 6 children with me to the library I am a vanpool!
This “green” religion is making me sick. The Prophet Chesterton was right (as Mark Shea likes to say): When you cease believing in God, you won’t believe in nothing. You’ll believe in anything.”
Funny, especially the Listeriosis thing.
I find it incredible that the NH that my backpack and skis and I used to visit has officially sunk to this level of foolishness. Someone, though, should rush down and do a video of the parking space pecking order before some grownup changes the parking signs.
Simcha, dear, you are an amazing writer. Just had to say so. As an aside: know why I like so-called ‘smart cars’? They’re a car AND a casket! I personally think the folks driving them look STUPID and FOOLISH, certainly NOT smart. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one…er, maybe I would, actually!
I have a SUV and a full sized Silverado. I do sort my recyclables (green and blue totes) but the rest goes down the disposal or into the trash can.
*Anything* I can do to tick off the greenies (legally), I am willing to do.
And those Prius’ and Smart Cars on I-4, I-75 and I-95 in Florida? I love running them off the road…‘specially if they have a MA, NY or NJ tag!!
;-)
Oh…and we have the drive thru liquor stores in FL, too! Being originally from GA, that’s kinda cool!
Ikea beat this liquor store to the punch. Hybrids go right to the front…thank you Norway, or Sweden, or wherever sit the melting ice caps (great furniture, though).
This is frickin’ funny; had me in stitches! And the comments on your blog are priceless too (Deirdre Mundy, if you aren’t blogging - you should be)! I live in CA, the center of the universe for the Eco-nazis, and the plethora of paradoxes they are capable of is mind-boggling. Here, the state recently took away many of the perks for hybrids (like free car-pool lane access (for the pay lanes), sweet parking spaces, and tax breaks). Since the government loves the bait-n-switch technique, you can be comforted by the fact that these artifices are likely temporary. The whole ‘hybrid-car-being-better-for-the-environment’ argument is a lot like the CFC light bulbs argument. You get a very short-term gain in energy efficiency (maybe), but the future trade-off to the environment is huge! CFC’s that will be deposited in landfills by the billions, will poison our groundwater with mercury, and these short-lived hybrid batteries will end up doing much the same. So let’s trade a made-up threat to the environment (Carbon Dioxide) for a bonafide threat. However it is useless to try to point this out to these imbeciles! Those coveted parking spots appeal to the vanity and self-righteous sense of elitism that these progressives hold very dear. One another note, I would like to point out that 11-15 seat passenger vans should qualify as mass-transportation, and therefore get better incentives than a tiny vehicle that is mostly driven solo (if we were going to be logical about it that is). A logical environmentalist, now THAT is an oxy-moron >:[
How do I get one of those “Ridiculously Lazy” tags?
JMJ Without CO2, (Carbon Dioxide) We would All be dead! The Truth is we Need more CO2 (Carbon Dioxide)Something you should know from High School, well maybe Your friendly Goverment Schools (Sorry, Public Schools for the brainwashed)didn’t teach good Science in your day.Fear not CO2, it’s a life sustainer we need more of it Not Less, Forget your carbon footage (whatever) it’s a “LIE”. The problem isn’t global warming, (changed to Climate Change,to save the Global Warming, “LIE”) The Sun causes Warming of the earth Not CO2. Proof, here’s a start. type in your search section <H.Leighton Steward Ten Myths About CO2 the Air Vent> Respectfully with Love, Joseph J. Pippet
I always wonder what would happen if I parked my Suburban in one of those eco-smug parking spaces at the mall. I highly doubt they’re backed up by the force of the law—this is Texas, after all.
I am from an area in upstate NY (really upstate, not Fishkill!) that is a lot like what you describe about NH. Up here, a hybrid car is a car that someone made in their barn that is part car, part chainsaw, and a wood burning furnace all in one!
We have smug greenies here, too, but they go home in the summer when the colleges let out.
May I ask a dumb question? What in tarnation is a gynocentric beverage?
Do you need to be over 21 to drink it? Would I give it to my grandmother?
Or maybe my infant son? Obviously I don’t need it as never even heard of it… so what is it? Am I the only one who does not know? I quess I should get a Prius and get out more to the liquor store! Anyway….this article made my day…gotta love Simcha! Oh…can only baptized Catholics imbibe this beverage? Well, just a thought…it is supposedly a Catholic blogspot!
JMJ Thirstfortruth. Go to the third paragraph from the end of the article… “Women who don’t especialy like the taste of alcohol”, the next sentence where it reads rediculous new gynocentric beverages, click on that section for your answer. Joseph J. Pippet
Gret piece. But while we’re at it, I live up in Colorado which is not a sta you want to drink and drive in. We were down south though a while back and we pulled into a gas station/store. This was in Tenn. I believe. Anyway I walked into to pay for the gas and here sits a huge tub of ice and beer, by the front door, and a cop standing there watching you. I don’t know what the idea was but it looked like something out of candid camera. And I did not see a single hybrid anywhere!
“See, I frequently get accused of hating the environment in a most un-christian way, but this is not fair. I actually love the natural world, and my family’s lifestyle is amazingly green. No, really all I hate is professional environmentalists, because of the way they are jerks.”
Couldn’t have put it better myself. Excellent article! (as usual…)
The hybrid space thing is NOT a law (unlike handicapped spaces), its basically a recommendation. So, borrow an 11 passenger van, fill it up with kids (I like to borrow some extras) and park in one of these spaces. If there are any hybrid drivers around, the gasping and sputtering is HIGHLY entertaining. Especially if you are shopping for liquor too!
Thanks for the great laugh!
Was highly offended here in SoCal when our new, much, much, so much larger-than-the-one-it-replaced supermarket gave the only shaded parking to low emissions vehicles. That way, only low-emissions vehicles don’t have to strain their A/C against 120 degree interiors. Witness my smug joy when I refuse to be discriminated against and proceed to dock the 10 cylinder, 9.5 mpg, bigger-than-a-Suburban, 9 passenger Excursion IN THE SHADE. Added joy when I explain to horrified holier-than-thou greenies that the Excursion was rated Ultra Low Emissions in 49 states, a measly Low Emissions in California. “Wow, I didn’t know they made a hybrid,” they reply in full display of moronitude.
Brilliant! Thank you!
Priceless, Simcha, priceless!! I live in the great state of Texas where 90% of us drive big honking SUV’s, trucks with hemmi engines and minivans. I recently went from a Toyota Corolla to Toyota Sienna simply in self-defense. I have seen a couple of those smartcars driving around and all I can say to those greenies is stay out of my blind spot or I just might squish it like a junebug.
What if someone drives a hybrid and has a handicapped tag? Do they get to double park?
Awesome post Simcha!
Wow. I really gotta get out of Nashua.
The best visits to the liquor store are when you’re 8 months pregnant and have to bring your 3 older kids, too. You get some awesome looks. Of course, you can’t park in the hybrid spots…
Both my husband and I grew up in very large families. His siblings have given birth to quite a few greenie socialists who are now all grown so we get to see actual greenie families on a regular basis.
Sometimes they even throw parties. A few words of advice before you go and attend a party thrown by enviro-wackos. Feed your children before going. Greenies are vegans, so what little food there is will be largely unidentifiable and way too spicey for the little ones. It’s not that I expect hot dogs and chicken fingers from them, but would it kill them to put out some peanut butter sandwiches? The kids end up fighting over a carrot stick, because not only is all the food weird, it’s been counted so that there won’t be any extra that might possibly go to waste.
There will be no paper or plastic cups, plates, napkins, or cutlery. The hosts will have carefully allotted one per person, which means when your kids spill the one drink of tapwater they’re sharing amongst themselves, your hosts will have to go get bath towels for you to clean up the mess.
The plus side is there’s very little chance my own children will sign on to the eco-religion having seen its dark depressing celebratory side.
Do you guys have ‘chid friendly carparks’ over there? All our supermarkets have them, right by the door, but behind the handicapped parking. Marked with a little pram. No dodging cars across the carpark. Wider spaces so you can get infant seats (and various children) in and out without whacking the car next to you. They make life good.
Actually Shawna’s husband Justin. Perhaps the parking spots are closer because the people driving these preposterous cars are all anemic vegans.
I just can’t get past the fact that there is a STATE RUN liquor store.
@LAJ,
June bugs make a noisy “crunch” sound when you squish them. Do “smart” cars? Would you even know you had hit one?
This article was amazing! You just made my day - that was extremely funny and very well written. I’m a New Hampshirite-at-large currently living and working in DC, but I definitely “Live Free or Die” all the way!
I’m confused. My politically conservative, daily-mass-going-for-30 years father drives a Toyota Prius. I guess he’s going to hell like the rest of “the Greenies.” Perhaps when I tell him that my friends at National Catholic Register taught me that the devil is found most alive within eco-friendly technology like the Prius he might be willing to trade in his Prius for an SUV. I mean, we are talking about his soul here. Right? Oh yeah, also, how did we jump from environmentalism to forced sterilization? I didn’t know caring about the environemnt also meant advocating forced sterilization. who knew those two things were synonymous. Thank goodness Mrs. Fisher and the combox folks are here to get me pointed in the right direction.
YOU’RE WELCOME!
http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/ted-turner-calls-for-global-one-child-policy-like-chinas/
.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hyperbole
Oh Lighten Up Richard! Our family’s next car will likely be a hybrid too. Just because we worship the one true God rather than the environment does not mean we believe in throwing styrofoam cups out the car window.
I wouldn’t worry about your father’s soul unless he starts throwing parties where each grandchild is carefully alloted two cubes of fried tofu and a single gram of curried dipping sauce. If that happens, then you know he’s gone over to the dark side of environmentalism and you should start worrying about his soul.
Simcha, I keep reading this over and over again because it is hysterical beyond belief. I thought for sure this was a link to an article in the Onion and still can’t believe this is a true story. And seriously, the state liquor stores should consider delivery. GENUIS!!
Self-righteous much?
HAHAHA!!!! That’s all I got to say. Hee hee. Ho Ho! Thanks Simcha. Giggle!
Found this article today and just loved it, Simcha. I enjoy your sense of humor as well as bringing light to topics I would likely never read about otherwise, honestly. Sad, though, for the thoughtless persons who commented that people who are overweight got that way by eating twinkies after the Liquor store article. I look forward to reading more of your put-a-smile-on-my-face-articles, Simcha.
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