The fact is, society has become less social.  The reasons are many, but Leo XIII and Pius XI believed the primary cause to be the loss of broad-based capital ownership.  “Power,” as Daniel Webster said, “naturally and necessarily follows property.”  Capital ownership vests owners with equality of social status, and therefore the ability to enter into contracts — equal relationships — with others and form groups in free association.  Without capital ownership, one becomes dependent on whoever or whatever supplies one’s subsistence, whether a private employer (capitalism), the State (socialism), or today’s combination, the Welfare (Servile) State.  Non-equals cannot, obviously, deal together socially on an equal basis.  This has resulted in severe “atomization” of society.  Leo XIII believed that restricting the role of the State and favoring widespread capital ownership (economic justice) would solve the problem.  Pius XI added organized group action (social justice) to reform institutions to encourage people to become owners and restructure society more socially.  Louis Kelso and Mortimer Adler added a practical means for ordinary people to become owners, while the Center for Economic and Social Justice, http://www.cesj.org, applied these principles in a proposed “Capital Homestead Act” that has the potential to be both a socializing force and a Pro-Life economic agenda.

I think online community can be very important - especially in situations when you are so busy taking care of your family. I recently read some of Calah’s posts and, as a new mom, suddenly felt like someone understood me - which she did! I live in a city where I have lots of single friends, but not so many moms (they all move away) so, for me, Calah and her commenters are providing community it would be hard to find otherwise.

Our parish is pretty good, but one thing we all have to quit doing is waiting to be invited. Having moved around quite a bit, I’ve learned to look for opportunities that work for me, listen to the other women around me and then invite a few to coffee, or to the park when they might be having a bad day. Sometimes the best thing to do is reach out first.

Our parish is large and very active.  We are blessed with one of the larger parish (as opposed to regional) schools in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia.  I don’t think you’ll find one community in our parish - there are many subcommunities.  My first years here I wasn’t part of any group, but I was a young mother and I was tired and busy and like Simcha, I don’t naturally seek out other people.  There were mommy and me days in our school gym, but I rarely took advantage of them.  These days I’m very active in our school community - easy to do when I’ve got a bunch of kids in the parish school.  But there are lots of groups, some of which I’m active in, others not so much - The Pro-Life group, the Church cleaners, the Church decorators, the daily Mass/Rosary group, the Adult Faith Formation, the Bible Study, the Food Pantry group, the Senior Group, the list goes on and on.
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I would say if you’re part of any little group but you’re not feeling the love, throw a Christmas Party for the group!  If any one group is too small, combine a couple of them.  If your own home is not suitable, then have the gathering at a restaurant - people can pay their own way.  I know our daily Mass attendees do just that every year at Christmas.  Lots of people are looking for connections.  To me, one of the greatest things about belonging to such a large and active parish (with geographic boundaries) is that I can’t go anywhere on a daily basis without running into people I know well.  A very small town feeling in the midst of greater Philadelphia.

@Michael D. Greaney - I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.  My mother lives in New York City.  She’s not a homeowner, nor I suspect, are many of her fellow parishioners.  I would venture to say many of them are living solely on Social Security.  She’s got a tremendous community among the seniors in her parish.  I’m not dissing your idea, I’m just not seeing the relationship between a vibrant church community and the Capital Homestead Act.  Certainly the Church thrived in communist Poland.

Subsidiarity goes: Church -> Parish -> Family (Extended) -> Family (Nuclear) -> Individual Member.

That tree has been stripped of it’s branches.  (And there’s a lot of sap dripping around.)

@MattB:  “Subsidiarity goes: Church -> Parish -> Family (Extended) -> Family (Nuclear) -> Individual Member.”

That may be the way that it goes in a mature but still-intact community of Christians, where most people receive the faith from their parents and hand it down to their children.

It isn’t the way it went in the very early Church or anywhere else where there were a large number of converts, who then were sundered from their extended families who rejected them because of the faith. 

It isn’t the way it goes today, where so many of us have so many family members who either have left the faith or never practiced it in any real way.  On my side, “extended family” has almost nothing but fallen-away Catholics or never-raised-in-any-religion folks at all, and many are angry at their perception of what the Church is.  My husband’s side is better connected to the Church, but there are many who have left it. 

I don’t think this model of subsidiarity-in-relationship-connections works very well in the United States.  Most of the Catholics I know have chosen tight-knit communities of friends to stand in for the “extended family.”  And our family lives in a situation where most of our very closest friends, the stand-ins for our extended family, are believers in Christ who share our values but who are not Catholics at all.

We attend a small Eastern Catholic church comprised of older ethnic parishioners and a large influx of Roman Catholics and those from the Roman Rite that have formally switched to this Eastern church. One of our parishioners likes to say, “It’s hard to have Communion without community”.  Our deacon’s wife and two other ladies put on a lunch every week after church. It’s usually simple, always delicious, and everyone helps at one time or another. Our deacon’s wife began this to help the young moms, by giving the family a good meal so the moms could have a bit of rest on Sunday. The community that has formed has enriched all our Liturgical practices, given time for emotional support, as well as making our needs known to each other so physical help can be offered. I love our small church. It is truly a family, and I would be much poorer without it.

Among the few occasions we’ve been warmly welcomed visiting a Catholic church were at Byzantine Catholic church in FL & a tiny Catholic mission in West VA where Mass was celebrated in the priest’s living room since there was no church built yet.
I moved to a new parish a few years ago & registered my family.No one ever called or visited to welcome us.After several months I met the person who was actually supposed to contact new parishoners. She recognized my name from a list & said that now she didn’t need to call me & seemed relieved.I guess she could just check our names off the list & her duty was done.
You wonder why folks that are not strong in their faith end up in Baptist or other denominations.Usually it’s over marriage/divorce issues, etc, but I’d bet fellowship & community are part of the draw, too.

Eileen, I think we’re actually agreeing here.  My point was that, in many communities, even parishes, there are today people of different status.  You can, in general, only enter into free association — the basis of community and thus of social justice — with persons of equal status.  For example, children and their parents are of different status, and can never be true equals.  You see this reflected in civil law, in which conflicts over contracts between family members can result in far more acrimony than between unrelated persons.  Distributions within a family (domestic society) are not made on the same basis as in civil society.  They are based on need in a family due to the difference in status and come under a special form of justice called “paternal,” where in civil society a distribution based on need, except in extreme cases, is charity (Rerum Novarum, § 22).  There are, in contemporary U.S. society, many class divisions that slop over into religious society.  There is the “natural” division between owners of capital (BTW, a home is not, strictly speaking, “capital,” but a consumer item, unless you’re renting it out), and non-owning workers, and between owners, workers, and welfare recipients.  We are, of course, enjoined by Our Lord Himself not to consider these differences, but people consider them, anyway.  Then there are the artificial differences, such as those between highly paid workers and lower paid workers (analogous to the difference between the “house slaves” and the “field slaves” in the antebellum South), and even between owners and those who actually control their wealth, the “dictators of money,” as Pius XI called them.  Then there are those based on race, national origin, or even regional and occupational differences.  Sometimes these can be overcome, with work, but it IS work, and many people do not make the effort.  One of the reasons that Pius XI mentioned “vocational groups” was because of the natural affinity among members of the same occupation.  Unfortunately, we have become so enmeshed in the wage system that many people think he was talking about labor unions of some kind, not groups organized for social purposes, especially acts of social justice.  The reason the Church in Poland was cohesive was because most people were of equal status — non-owners.  The bureaucrats who controlled wealth for “the people” were inevitably Party members and didn’t go to mass.  It is the equality of status, not whether you are a capital owner, that provides the natural basis on which to build relationships.  Leo XIII and Pius XI focused on capital ownership because that would vest people with the power necessary to maintain an economically and socially just society.  This would have an effect on parishes, for, although the Church is not of the world, it is still in it, and the structures and institutions of civil society have their effect on both individual and corporate behavior inside the Church.

Online community really is a lifesaver.  It’s why I’m not going crazy like the stereotypical 50’s housewife!  What with living far from family and being relatively new to town (and so many are, because we all move around so much), it’s hard to meet people.
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But let me just say, it would help if parishes even saw community as a goal at all.  Our parish has cancelled coffee and donuts.  If we even had that, I could meet people there and invite them over for something during the week, but as it is, the second we hear “go in peace” everyone dashes for their cars.  The parish doesn’t seem to realize that we would like more than just the regulation doses of sacraments.
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Why cancel coffee and donuts?  Because “kids were running wild” in the church basement.  The horror.

At the heart of the Christian Community stands a married couple.  They receive their faith from previous generations, and transmit it to subsequent generations.  However, the “Faith” subsists in their married relationship, and how they sustain it through acts of generous love.  It’s no accident that Christ often describes the kingdom of God as a “wedding feast.”  “We can’t chose our families,” but we do choose our spouse - and decide on a daily basis to validate or cancel the marriage covenant.  “If you are faithful in small matters, I will put you in charge of greater ones.”

@Michael - are you talking about the difference in social status among the parishioners or as compared to the pastor, priests and parish leaders?  Since parishes in our country are primarily determined by geography, aren’t most of the parishioners on pretty equal footing?  I live in an upper middle class parish.  To be sure there are outliers on both ends of the spectrum, rich and poor, but most of us are wealthy enough to know where next month’s mortgage is coming from but not so rich that we’re not worried about the sorry state of our economy and the very real possibility of a job loss.    Maybe having a specific economic vibe is what helps our parish get along so well?  But how common is too much economic diversity when parishes boundaries are typically drawn by geography?
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@Kathleen - I was just having a conversation with someone yesterday from Texas.  She was commenting how unfriendly everyone (not just church folk) seemed when she first moved up here (Philly area).  Now that she’s lived here she sees we’re just more reserved, not mean.  I have to admit this Yankee would feel put upon to have strangers barge(!) into my home simply because I registered at the parish.  And attending Mass in someone’s living room with a bunch of folks I’d never met is something I’d have to offer up for the poor souls because it certainly wouldn’t be pleasant experience for me.  I’d rather have a new parishioner meet and greet at the parish hall where I could attend if I wanted or avoid it if I didn’t.  I don’t know how much geography plays into it or if it’s my own tendency to be a lone wolf, but man oh man, I don’t think having a welcome wagon that greeted people in their homes would work well in the urbanized Northeastern part of the country.

I’ve got just 10 more minutes alone at my computer here and cannot read other comments, so if I’m redundant, then I am.  My view: ORGANIC, baby! Once something is “directed” then it’s less real.  We were invited to a family’s home as new parishoners (in our protestant days) and had a lovely time.  That Sunday, the pastor asked all those who signed up for the “reaching out to strangers” ministry to meet afterward . . . We were humiliated, as we perceived ourselves to be a project.  We’ve got to just invite people over! At least to a deli or something if the house is too personal. Old, young, weird, lots of naughty kids or sullen teens, whatever.  Church people should be our social life.  We now drive 30 minutes to a small, not-very-reverent church and have friends (!) because we were rejected in our invitations for years at the gorgeous one in our town (and we were brand new Catholics; why didn’t people ask us for a visit?).  Time’s up; gotta get kids. . .!

Smaller churches foster community better. With huge churches now, and small ones being closed or not even built, there is less a sense of community.  Who walks to church anymore?  Very, very few.  You used to have a parish in your neighborhood you could walk to and the church was a hub of the community.  Not anymore.  Plus, there are just so many other things to do (movies, the mall, sports, etc.)  And who wants to go out when they have the internet.  If someone misses Mass, no one notices because they think that person/family went to one of the other 5 Masses the parish celebrates.

Communities bind together when there is a need (look at neighbors meeting for the first time after a natural disaster.)  Our society is, compared to most of the rest of the world, very rich and very independent.  We don’t have a need to come together to support each other except for a few circumstances (someone has cancer or a family member dies, etc.) therefore we just don’t get together.  We don’t want to “bother” anyone.  As a consequence we miss out greatly.  I for one want that community but others don’t care.

Our parish doesn’t have much in terms of community.  It offers the sacraments, religious education, and, uh, well, not sure what else.  However, having said that, the DRE is great, and the enrollment in religious education has been growing for years to the point that there are not enough teachers.  Kids are teaching kids!  (From what I’ve seen and heard, and considering the horrendous faux-education I received, the kids are learning more than I ever did.)  As well, the community that does exist, I believe, comes from those attending Mass (and parents bringing their kids to RE) each day/week and seeing the same faces over and over, because these are also the faces we see over and over in our neighborhoods.  (Conversations can start up as:  “I didn’t know you went to St. Peter’s or St. Andrew’s or OLV or…” or “Are you Catholic, too?”  Often, the recognition is a simple yet powerful nod.)

So, I think our parish should be more involved in building the community, but in an appropriate and feasible way by supporting efforts such as a Boy Scout Troop or Knights of Columbus chapter or Bible lecture series or…

Eileen,
Thanks. Yes, I know there’s a difference in cultures.
I live in the Deep South.I’d be surprised, too to have a greeter from the parish on my doorstep without a phone call first, but I did sort of at least hope for a phone call.The Baptists do that every time & follow up with a visit.
You know,I understand there’s a shortage of priests,but I think if they would visit parishoner’s homes-even occasionally- it would make a huge difference.Years ago, we had a two pastors that did that- usually with little or no warning, but we really enjoyed having them share meals with us & get to know our family on a personal level.Seeing parishoners at church & interacting with them in their homes are two whole different things.
I know folks up North are good & decent, too. The outward reserve is just a cultural thing.

My church has a very young population, demographically, and there is a strong and well-developed mothers’ ministry there that has definitely nourished me and many others. It takes the form of a small group book study, but that doesn’t come close to explaining the magic that happens there. Each week, the women come together—and these are mostly mothers of young children (babies, pre-school, and school age), though there are mothers of older children as well—to break up into smaller groups that focus on faith sharing book study. Some of the books are about mothering and how faith connects there, while others are purely faith driven. We spend a few months on each book, a chapter at a time, discussing what we’ve read as well as our own experiences and our faith. Then we come back together at the end for prayer requests. More than this simple small group book study, though, this group has proven itself to be a powerful prayer force and also a great place for creating a community. Our church is very large (2600 families), yet within this group, we feel as if we have found a home within our larger church family. We take care of each other in times of illness and worry and rejoice in times of happiness and celebration. I don’t know if this model would work everywhere, but it’s certainly magical and a definite gift from God in our parish. We often refer to it as an excellent “gateway” ministry where people can get their feet wet a little in ministry and then gradually grow and expand out to join other ministries as well. :)

On reading the above-cited quote from Cardinal Ratzinger, it suddenly dawned on me, “So THAT’s why coffee-and-donuts after Mass! And it’s sort of a return to how the celebration of the Eucharist was originally carried on!”

I’ve been watching this debate unfold with interest since, to my great surprise and gratitude, my family has found exactly this in our community, both in our neighborhood and at our church.  I feel like I ought to take a stab at explaining how, since it is, hands down, the best thing about our life right now. The raw materials are actually pretty simple: having the willingness to ask other people to join in (and risking rejection) and the willingness to keep things very, very simple (building community means setting aside any desire to perform high-level feats of hosting).  Here are three of the best things we have going:

1. Shortly after we moved to our neighborhood, which has many young families but is also somewhat transient since many folks are academics without tenure or grad students, another family initiated a neighborhood soup night.  It runs like this: there are two seasons, Septemberish through Decemberish, and January through March-ish.  Each season about eight to ten families sign up to participate—many of us are old hands, but we often end up rotating in a new family or two as people move or get too busy, and that helps keep the group fresh.  Signing up means agreeing to host everybody else for soup at your house on one Sunday evening, from 5-7 pm.  The hosts make two enormous pots of soup, with at least one vegetarian option, and put out a bunch of bread/crackers/baby carrots/hummus/cheese/apples/whatever (this food takes care of the substantial number of kids who turn up their noses at the soup), plus drinks (which can just mean plastic cups and a giant pitcher of water—it’s never fancier than juice or seltzer).  They also agree to have their house overrun by a vast number of adults and children for those two hours.  Guests bring their own bowls and spoons (this is key—no massive pile of dishes to do afterwards).  In exchange for hosting once, you are then entitled to go to your neighbors’ houses for soup on every other Sunday night, for as long as the season runs. Someone coordinates the whole shebang by getting folks to sign up and say which dates they’re free to host, but that’s as much organization as it takes—the hosts send out a reminder email mid-week, asking for RSVPs for the following Sunday (though soup is flexible, and nobody fusses if some weeks the soup is in slightly shorter supply).  In the four years that we’ve been doing this, we’ve gained a neighborhood community the likes of which I didn’t know existed outside of a Norman Rockwell painting: I have watched my neighbors’ children grow up, and my own children are surrounded by houses full of parents and children they know.  Those two hours each Sunday night sustain us through the fall and winter (and we often do a playground potluck or two in the summer).  I have neighbors who cheer me on as a mother, a wife, and a professional, and I know and care deeply about their lives, too.  Some of us would probably have been friends anyway, but others are people I might have assumed I had nothing in common with—perhaps simply because their kids are older than mine.  I can’t emphasize how magical this community ritual has been for us.

Now it’s true we live in a community where there aren’t a ton of families with four or more kids (we’re mostly secular/progressive academics—though not all!), and hosting eight families of eight could get unmanageable, or even fire-hazard-ish.  But I see no reason why soup night couldn’t work with a group of four or five large families, each of whom agrees to host twice over the course of a few months—on the plus side, big families would be more likely to have big kids to help corral the packs of roving toddlers.  Even for us, with our mostly smaller families, chaos is part of the fun—you’d go crazy hosting every week, but doing it once in a while just means surrendering to a short spell of madness.  It also means letting going of any competitive domestic instincts, since some people are amazing cooks and others are just adequate; some houses are gorgeous and some are slightly shabby—it really, really doesn’t matter.  I’m a decent soup-maker but I never have time or energy to bake a special dessert and my house is typically tidy-ish at best and my children aren’t always impeccably mannered; I see that as my special gift to the community: keeping the bar low for us all.

2. Our church does two important things for community.  First, money is set aside for coffee hour after the ten am Mass, and families rotate responsibility for “hosting”—making the coffee and supplementing the boxes of cheap powdered sugar donuts the church budget affords.  Some weeks the spread is wonderfully lavish—we have some talented bakers around—but other weeks it’s pretty bare-bones (the cheap donuts plus a big bowl of clementines, maybe), and either way is fine.  The point is that virtually everybody comes, and people linger for an hour or more, while the kids run around and the old folks and the college students and the rest of us mingle. 

3. In a more substantive vein, we also have “small church communities”—small-group bible studies, basically, that meet for an hour each Wednesday to discuss the coming Sunday’s reading.  Because we’re a campus chapel, these groups are really for the students, who adore them, but we’ve started one for families with kids, too, since the standard format (meet at the church hall each Wednesday night right smack at dinner/bedtime) just doesn’t work for us.  There are about five families involved.  One has graciously agreed to host, though we’ll be rotating that soon so they don’t burn out; others contribute very simple food (again, lots of baby carrots and hummus); and someone agrees to lead discussion each week.  We meet, we eat, the kids head off to play outside or watch a video or just run amok upstairs, the parents do about 40 minutes of discussion, and we all gather for a final prayer.  Most of the time at least one person is off handling a tantrum or finding a snack or helping a toddler use the potty, and there are a lot of nursing babies, but everybody manages over time to grab some spiritual sustenance.  Some weeks I feel like I mainly parented in proximity to a bible study, other weeks I feel like I attended a mini-retreat; both are fine.

I guess that’s my real point: part of what has allowed these communities to develop and thrive, with pretty minimal collective stress, is a shared culture of low expectations.  We don’t always manage to serve each other great food or show off neat houses, and sometimes our kids behave dismally, but all of that matters so much less than I might have feared.  And that attitude spreads to our daily lives, so that we are all much more likely to invite each other over spur-of-the-moment, even just to eat leftovers, or to arrange an emergency play-date with a pack of cranky children, or to be each others’ “hey, our real plans fell through, wanna be our back ups?” kind of friends.

Ultimately we are also just lucky, but I do think that what we have is possible elsewhere—the hardest part may just be the initial phase of risking rejection, and having the willingness to accept as your community the folks who say yes.  They are certainly out there.

I commented over at some of the other blogs, but I’ll repeat some things here as well.  I truly believe it takes someone stepping outside of ourselves and inviting others to do the same.  The more you get used to initiating the conversation with others the easier it becomes.  One woman inspired me to step outside of myself.  She was the only woman in my parish, in five years and three children, to contact me and offer to help.  She has since moved away, but her example encouraged me to do the same. I believe it has to be a combination of women forming organic friendships and the church facilitating those interactions.  I don’t think Elizabeth Scalia’s idea is feasible, you can’t force friendships.  At our parish I approached one other mom I knew and our pastor and asked if we could do some organized activities on a parish level.  He was more than happy to have someone step forward and lead such an initiative (most pastors do not have the time to do things like this).  My personal opinion is for mom’s to try and start fellowships that revolve around the sacraments.  I feel that if the sacraments are involved there is a strong foundation on which to build a group.  Currently, our parish is doing a monthly gathering for women that includes confessions, mass, and then a brunch/speaker afterwards.  We recruit youth group teens for babysitters so that all women can attend.  It has been going well so far, the problem at most parishes is that it’s hard to get the word out.  Bulletin announcements usually are not read.  At our church there is no email list, which I just can’t fathom us not having in the year 2012, so we have started small by attempting to put together a women’s email list by word of mouth and through the women that attend the retreats, we are going to try facebook as well. 

The other obstacle I have found is that many women are very insecure!!  I was one of them, but starting this venture has helped me to get over myself.  I am continually amazed at how parish life still seems like high school!  The twenty somethings hang out only with their age group, the thirty-somethings only with their’s, the forty-somethings, etc., etc.  The only way to bridge the gap is for a few women to make connections in all the groups…no small feat.  I am learning to take rejection well!  We are all women though and I think we have way more to offer our parish communities if we all unite together, no matter our ages, and learn and grow with one another.  I’ve been extending personal invites to all women, trying to introduce myself to different ladies every week,  I get a lot of blank stares and women coming up with excuses as to why they could never, ever, possibly even think of attending even one of our monthly gatherings over the year! And that is fine, some women just want to be left alone.

My personal opinion is that no online communications/relationships can replace personal, local friendships and support.  I would strongly encourage everyone reading this, that for every hour they spend forming online relationships they at least spend a half hour attempting to form relationships or provide support in their parish community.  If we all did this we would have AWESOME communities.

Sorry this was so long, Simcha…I was just trying to answer your questions.

Oh shoot… my post disappeared… here I go again.
There are some great ideas exchanged here (thank you Catherine… I love the idea of soup night.  And I’m thinking a game night would be fun.)

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I just want to encourage folks that when planning community activities, remember the single adults. Who do you think we’re hanging out with if the marrieds and families are uncomfortable with us?
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the only thing is, I’d have to pass on hosting soup night if it got as big as Catherine is describing because I have no place for children to hang out until summertime when I can have access to the community courtyard (which is three flights down and winding around the building to get to - and would require supervision for children.)
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My parish supports a Catholic School - but as a single with no kids (age 42) I don’t hear about any events like the Christmas play or the Spring Concert until after they’re over.  I would love to go to those.  Just because God hasn’t blessed me with a husband and children - doesn’t mean I don’t love kids and their ridiculous performances!
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Your school can ask for volunteers to act as advisors for the speech and debate team… I’d love to do that if I even knew our school had one… instead, I suppose they ask the parents to do it and the parents complain about all their responsibilites!!!
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Singles don’t expect the church to be their match maker (although we wouldn’t complain) but it would be nice if the Church made an effort to attract single men (adult men, not college kids) to the Mass!
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And if married folk could properly evangelize their loved ones so that every time a single woman asks if they have a brother-in-law or a cousin they could introduce us to, they wouldn’t have to say, “I do have a brother-in-law but I wouldn’t wish him upon you.”
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(it reminds me of job-hunting while unemployed and hearing, “You’re over qualified.”  Still need a job, and quite frankly, I still need a husband!

I wouldn’t be surprised if parish life became more communal out of necessity, in a way similar to the necessity of the catacombs or Franciscans.  I am wrong about a lot of stuff.

Parishes with 10,000 people in them just don’t do it, even if they try to manufacture community by having lots of ministries you can join. We need more priests so that we can have more parishes.

Example: The parish where my family is registered has over 300 “Eucharistic Ministers” a.k.a. Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion. I think the parish in Florida where my wife was has about 300 people total. Also, if you add all the Eastern Catholic Churches around town up you might get 300, but probably not. Nevertheless the last two have real community to them, while the megaparish does not.

Pray for vocations!

Le sigh. Even if the ministries that Scalia and other touted existed en masse in every parish in every diocese in all the world…there would be a family like mine that could not take part. As the mother of a low-functioning child with autism who will,  because of her disability, never be able to receive the sacraments aside from baptism and annointing I have learned the Church can never and will never be all things to all people. Our parish has tried small groups, coffee and donuts and any other variety of community building and, unfortunately, my family is less than welcome at all of them because I have a six-year-old who cannot speak, is not toilet trained because of severe sensory problems, and makes loud squeals and noises that we cannot control. I am not sharing this as a “woe is me” story but as a revelation that my Church community is my family. I cannot look to the Church to help me care for my child any more than any other family can and I certainly cannot expect a ministry to be developed to assist families like mine. Could I start one? Perhaps, but considering the massive amount of care this one child of mine needs (and I have other children as well)it would not be feasible for me to take this on at the risk of neglecting her and her siblings. And as special needs parents, we understand that our child may in fact dictate our involvement and it is difficult for someone outside that mindset to understand that. So, back to my original thesis, the Church cannot and will not be all things to all people. And at some point, we’re all going to have to realize it and do what we can for ourselves.

The more comments I read at all the different blog posts on this issue, the more confounded I feel. I think, just as there are many different types of mothers, there are also many different types of Parishes.

Maybe the best thing that could happen is for people to just start thinking and talking and looking at their own Parishes to see where needs could be better met.

So, thanks, Simcha, for continuing to broaden the conversation. Hopefully it will inspire people to take the conversation offline, and bear real fruit in their Parishes.

Our small city is dominated by retired people.  It is divided into four main parishes: the blue collar one, the yuppy one, the second generation Mexican one, and the old money one.  There are three smaller satellite parishes: university, really geriatric white people, Spanish speaking…
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We don’t fit in at any of them.  75% of the people are old.  We have too many children to qualify with the yuppies.  The church and the music at the blue collar one is American cheese, but they seem to have some good programs for teens (I don’t go in for the clapping and hand waving).  The old money one is elegant, and the gay cantor sings exquisitely, but my two smallest ruffians are not to be trusted.
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So we end up with the yuppies where we appear to be normal. Their eyes only bug out once they find out we have 5(plus) MORE offspring in addition to our 3, 6, and nine-year-old with us.  I resign myself to being a freak at that point (even if I’m wearing fabulous yuppy shoes).
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The kids in their teens get picked up by my daughter’s boyfriend, (who is in RCIA) to go to 7 pm mass.
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Less than ideal?  uh huh.  The University parish gives me great hope though.  It is sometimes so packed, the kids spill out the doors.  What a great sign of Spring! The pastor is rock solid, and the kids LOVE him.
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The dress code is best with the old money snobs, second best with the yuppies.  The second gen. Mexican parish runs a tight race with the University one for bulging flesh and skin tight jeans, though it is mostly cultural.  If I were a better person I wouldn’t find it culturally interesting.
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Ah, choices.
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After reading this, I am reminded that I should try a little harder, come to terms with my third eye (huge family), and maybe, just maybe own that this is my town now, even if it wasn’t my choice.
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I guess I’ve been part of the problem lately.

There are so many groups that are desperate for help in your local parish. They won’t come to your home and clean (not until they get to know you, anyway), but if you join in the service they are working to provide, you will feel more a part of your parish community. The Knights of Columbus, the Altar Society, catechism teachers, and sacrament prep (for parents) teachers are all short-handed and (in the case of the Knights and the Altar Society) (possibly) elderly. Getting to know them by attending a few meetings, helping out twice a year, having dinner at the Knights hall during the Lenten fish fry, will make a difference to you, your Church, and in your community. These groups rarely have a problem with a young mom coming to the church to clean with 3 or so little guys tagging along.

@catherine - would Campbell’s do?  I might even spring for Progresso, but the thought of actually making a homemade soup that people outside my family would eat gives me the hives!

I think it is part of a parish’s job to promote community.  I wouldn’t say it’s right to get upset that everything isn’t working perfectly and the exact right ministry isn’t giving you the exact right warm fuzzy feelings when you want them, but I think there should always be attempts, and there are people everywhere who have a gift for good ideas and who are of the social-bent that are really good at initiating those things.  I’m ok at the planning part of it, but I do enjoy socializing.  I understand being Miss Sally Super-Social isn’t everybody’s “thing” (or so people say, sometimes it’s just a fear of trying it out to even see if you’re right about yourself), but everybody needs some form of friendship with other people.  For some, it’s lots of interaction with lots of people, for some, just 1 or 2 regular friends does the trick.  As far as what my suggestions would be, I think typically the simplest ideas work the best (Hey, young moms, Saturday night, come to the parish hall for dinner, nursery available, blah blah blah).

I would like to add a little something (I haven’t read every comment so this may have been said or hinted at).  For me, when I’m really struggling with something, and I turn to someone I trust for help, I’m really counting on them.  If what I get is mostly the attitude that I need to find a way to take care of things myself (which is sometimes all you can say, but usually, when someone comes to you for help, trusting you, you need to reach outside yourself and at least try and give some advice or encouragement), I do feel a little hurt.  Often, in the end, I do figure it out, but sometimes that’s actually worse I think.  I end up with the feeling/attitude something like “Hey, yeah, I can do this by myself.  I must be stronger than I thought because it turned out to be possible through my own abilities alone.  And if I can take care of my own business by myself, so can other people.”  I feel like saying “Don’t make demands of the Church” and telling people not to expect the Church to genuinely offer advice or referrals to people as to how they can manage to live Church teachings in their lives as Duffy says in her article could promote the same detachment and lack of sympathy towards others.  I think if the Church expects to be effective, it DOES need to at least try and have concrete suggestions/support programs for people to live out its teachings.  Those who tend to be more self-reliant would do well to realize this.  You can say all you want that “It’s not necessarily the Church’s responsibility to try and take all that on” (and by Church, I don’t mean the parish priest or council, I mean everyone as a whole, anybody who has a talent that can be of use), and you’d be correct, but I think that just sounds like a cop out.

It seems as well that this lack of strong Catholic communities not only causes loneliness for young mothers (I’m at home alone with an infant as I write) and for people who are ‘single’, among others, but it has additional serious consequences.  For instance, it also makes it harder for children to find other Catholic friends, and, eventually, Catholic spouses.  This ultimately appears that it will result in fewer Catholic families in the future, which is obviously a problem.  Catholic culture cannot flourish in isolation, it seems at least.  One question that I have is, why is this the case in Catholic (at least in Latin rite parishes) and not the case for the Orthodox Jews? Does it have its roots in more fundamental theological differences or is it something else, which is perhaps more superficial?

@TRS - I can’t let your post go without responding.  The parish school would LOVE to have you!    Have you checked the school website? You don’t want to miss the third grade belting out Silent Night so if you can’t find out, give the school office a call.
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To volunteer in Catholic school here you’d need state child abuse clearances (about $20) and to attend a free but annoying safe environment class where you are assured in a three hour timeframe that the Catholic Church’s problem these last few years was not gay priests or the coverup, which certainly wasn’t intentional - how were those pastors and bishops to have known without proper training that they shouldn’t hush things up and transfer the perpetrator?  Anyway, once you have the requirements particular to your diocese taken care of, I can assure you the school would be thrilled to utilize your talents - if you want to start or help out a debate club, I bet all you’d need to do is email the seventh and eighth grade teachers - their emails should be on the website.  Good luck and have fun!

@Eileen, soup is food of the God’s in our household.  My husband taught me how to make soups and stews when I was a Newlywed.  In his culture they eat a lot of varieties with different condiments, but the premise is so simple that I can say soup has saved my *sanity* on countless occasions.  They are low-tech., and perfect for a housewife because you can be doing all kinds of other things (heh, like reading blogs) while you are reducing your stock at a low boil for hours, (after you’ve taken the just-cooked meat from the bone).  For a great stock, all you need is filtered water,carrot, celery and onion (what my husband refers to as the “trinity”)and the bones of a chicken, or beef bones. (Thyme or bayleaf) I cheat and add a lot of garlic, maybe a bell pepper and a box of chicken stock at the beginning.
After this, you strain, and add your cooked seasoned meat and any veg. you want.  I chop up bowls of green onion, cilantro, serrano chilis,capers, creme fraiche, avocado etc. on the side to add if you like them. If its Pozole soup you can add some enchilada seasoning, sliced radish and torilla chips, even chopped greens live endive or even cabbage.  If its plain old chicken noodle: add just pasta, chopped celery and carrot, and of course the seasoned chopped chicken from the bones.  Butternut is great to blend in to plain chicken stock in the fall.  Small white beans and small cubed yams are great with beef stews…
So easy to heat up
serve as needed
Lasts for two meals
leftovers in containers in freezer for husband’s lunches.
Soups inspire me!

Thanks for the Byzantine Catholic shout out! :) A covert from Judaism might feel comfortable because our vestments, churches and chant seem a bit more…Eastern

the initial reader can find some links here inunionwithrome.blogspot.com

But in general terms, joining a Bible study or even starting a coffee time with like-minded women (maybe daily mass types) can grow community

Seems to me the Eucharist must somehow fit into this discussion.  It is communion, afterall.

covert = convert oops ;)

The lack of community in the Catholic Church has been on my mind lately (and not because of blogs). I live in a small town with one Catholic Church, which has, despite the number of protestant churches, the greatest congregation. Because of the small town atmosphere and my almost 20 years of residency here, I am friendly with a lot of non-Catholic townsfolk and business owners. From conversations with them, I know that the protestant groups provide more extra ecclesia support to their members. There are two large Catholic families who I personally know where the father is currently unemployed and it just seems wrong that there is nothing set-up at the Church to help them. It’s like they are suffering in shame and silence (despite friends’ limited attempts to help). We have a St. Vincent de Paul society that distributes food and such to the poor, but that is not the kind of help these families would seek out. Why don’t Catholic Churches have some financial support system like the Mormons? What’s with us anyway?

@Eileen and Mom: Yeah for soups!! Another easy basic…cream of vege soup.  This is a last minute standby in our house.  You can even use bouillon if you find yourself without real soup stock.  All you do is boil whatever vegetable or combo of vegetables you have on hand in the stock…I would say two to three cups of veges per four cups of stock.  Dump most of the cooked veges in a blender with some stock and puree.  Return puree mixture to pot and add cream, half and half or milk (1 cup for every two cups of broth, or less if desired).  Salt and pepper to taste.  You can thicken with flour if you want but it is not necessary.  You really can use almost any vege for this: Carrots, broccoli, onions, celery, mushrooms, potatoes, pumpkin, winter squash, corn, spinach, sweet peppers, tomatoes, beans, Anything you have on hand.

Katie ,
I wonder about that, too.My Mennonite friends have the whole church community looking out for them when someone’s unemployed.They always find employment somewhere, even if they have to relocate to another state & a different Mennonite community.Also, 2 Mennonite owned businesses will not compete against each other, even if it means relocation for one of them.
I see Catholics sueing each other, taking each other’s customers.It does make you wonder.

Just want to shout out the the Orthodox Jewish convert that, as someone who grew up near/around Boro Park, I *get* it!  I know what you must’ve gone through.  Your conversion was damned near heroic and I, for one, doff my hat and bow deeply to you.  Hope you find what you need to keep you on the right path. 

Here’s one organization that you just may love to be part of:
http://hebrewcatholic.org/

I have been Catholic for 10 years, from a Mennonite background. I totally love the Church and would never leave it. However, the loneliness I have felt in my parish is overwhelming at times, and I am not shy or reclusive. I have participated in parish events and activities, and things are polite and cordial, but there seem to be no friendships among parishoners, and no socializing outside of Church. Few people stay after mass to chat. When I want to talk about spiritual matters, I call my protestant friends, who will share themselves on a level that Catholics do not. It seems that for Catholics, faith is so private that one only talks about it in the confessional or spiritual direction. Perhaps this is just a cultural thing, and I will always be a “foreigner” in this area.

@Michelle:
“cream of——soup” (evil maternal laughter)
My favorite way of tricking them into eating vegetables! :)

I am a person who works full-time in a relatively large parish, and I have thought a great deal about what Mrs. Fisher discusses in this post. It is my conclusion that these two, opposing notions regarding the nature of parish life and ministry - as being either:

1. entirely devoted to the sacramental life, or
2. the facilitator of each parishioner’s every need

- are needless and potentially dangerous oversimplifications of how we ought to instance the universal, mystical Body of Christ in our local community. These are not the only two fixed options available to the Church. Like so many other half-truths, these two positions are usually adopted by well-meaning people who take them to be the whole story. Both positions have merit, and both contain within themselves the germ of later, significant problems.

The Church cannot commit herself solely to the celebration of the sacraments, although they are the greatest gifts which the Lord has given her and the greatest gifts she has to offer to the restless and lovelorn people of this world. The Church cannot reduce her mission to only sacramental celebration, first and foremost, because our Lord did not do so. Jesus Christ personally instituted each sacrament to communicate his divine life and thereby to establish his Church, but in order that he might draw lost humanity into his divine life, the lost sheep into his fold, our Good Shepherd went out into the world “doing good and healing all those oppressed by the devil, for God was with him” (Acts 10.38). At his Ascension, when he commissioned his disciples, our Lord Jesus issued three particular commands:

1. Go and make disciples of all nations,
2. Baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit
3. Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.

Christ commands us to baptize, to bring people into the sacramental life of his Church, after we go and make disciples. How do we make those disciples if we restrict ourselves only to sacramental celebration? God is always the first and greatest agent in any person’s conversion and he certainly works miracles to share the Gospel (e.g. St. Paul’s surprise encounter on the Damascus road), but he has also explicitly commanded us to do our part - to go out, doing good as He did.

Next, how do we teach others to observe all that Christ has commanded? Liturgy plays the essential part in this project - it both teaches us what the Lord commands and it is what the Lord commands - but it is not the only means by which we learn to observe what Christ has taught. There are, of course, formal catechetical programs which aid in this work, but I would venture to guess that the building up of good and godly friendships within a parish do as much, if not more than CCD or adult education to direct people to our good and gracious God who so generously calls us his friends. These friendships - these ongoing, personal, intimate relationships between fellow children of God - do so much to sustain people through tragedies, crises of faith, and the more common and more constant struggles of life. Some of this relational support may come through our biological family, but our parish ought to be able to offer us the opportunity to participate in our larger, spiritual family as well. See Fr. Barron’s video on “Why Catholics Leave the Church” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dftZ5K_EA4s) to better appreciate how important the smallest personal connection can be to the average parishioner.

Perhaps I have spent too much time critiquing the first position - that the Church should commit herself solely to the celebration of the sacraments - but that is because the position does well to highly esteem the sacraments. It might draw away many people who wish to proclaim the centrality of the sacraments. It is closer to the truth. The second position - that the Church ought to respond to each particular need/want of her people - would hardly require criticizing if it were not such a widely shared sentiment. This position is not a paper tiger - just work in a parish for a month and see if you don’t meet a handful of people who have outlandish expectations and make outrageous demands of the Church. That being said, at least these people know to approach the Church to find something valuable even if they sometimes forget that they are approaching Someone whose value infinitely outweighs the whole of the created universe. Correcting this problem is simply an act of charitable redirection.

Finally, I am glad that Mrs. Fisher finds a sense of community through online socializing and publication - I know that I am deeply indebted to her for the humorous and truly wise guidance which her online writing has provided to both me and my family - but I don’t think that we can let ourselves be satisfied with that kind of interaction or let that sort of interaction become a routine substitute for real, face-to-face friendships. To make a comparison to the sacraments, we can’t phone in a confession. The Church teaches us that we must really be there with a priest who occupies the same physical space as us if we wish for him to act in Christ’s person to share God’s forgiveness with us. The personal element is not accidental - it’s necessary. Though our relationships with our fellow parishioners are not sacraments, perhaps we can think of them as something like sacramentals. They point us back to our Lord and his sacraments, and like nearly everything in the Church, they have to be real, substantial, tangible.

@Michael D. Greaney:  My experience is contrary to what you’re saying about how people with different status can’t freely associate.  I belong to a Catholic Men’s Fellowship group in a parish in a fairly affluent area that welcomes all comers regardless of their ‘status’.  The group features a real estate tycoon, a big investment manager, people who are long-term unemployed, a couple of men who struggle from mental illness and have next to nothing, etc.  I land somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.  Seeing my brothers who are ‘worse off’ than I am gives me needed perspective about my so-called problems.  When we meet it is a level playing field for all.  We all know that our possessions count for nothing as far as God is concerned.  We help each other spiritually and sometimes materially as well.  It’s a great group and my Catholic experience would be incomplete without it.

@Suburban Failure:  I have never heard of a case where a child has been denied the sacraments due to a disability.  If a priest has told you that your child cannot receive the sacraments because of a disability, you need to contact your bishop’s office.  The Church routinely makes accommodations so that people with disabilities can receive the sacraments.

1) A friend of mine had a soup party (she cooked many different soups) and received three marriage proposals that very night. Invite the single people, women AND men to your community events. We know how to cook. :) And we may not be looking for a spouse, but we sure like friendship.

2) Thanks TRS for pointing out that there are actual adult single persons in every parish (not just youth or young adults). There are also married persons without children, young - and old - widows/widowers, and more. Universal church = include all, please. And we know we can invite ourselves, but, really, how much of that do you expect of us? Aren’t we all called to look beyond ourselves? Doesn’t friendship (isn’t that what we are truly saying when we say “community”) require some sacrifice?

3) I end up traveling around to try to find community among like-minded people, going to Catholic book clubs and discussion groups, hikes, etc., yet there still seems to be an unwillingness for real friendship. Unless you are one of them (in their zip code or school or job field, etc.) there isn’t much of an encounter. Or perhaps there is a fear of closeness with someone besides a spouse or child. I was lucky enough to happen into a talk by Eve Tushnet, a convert and writer, in which she spoke of friendship. She put into words - and philosophy, theology, and history - what was in my heart and mind. One of the best things to happen during a dinner with strangers (we were all at the same workshop) was for one person to blurt out something very personal. At that moment it moved from mere acquaintanceship to the possibility of real friendship, and despite distances we have have all continued to talk, and have visited each other when possible.

B Riggs ,
I’m so sorry, but your faithfulness is a huge witness.
I would never leave my Catholic faith either, but I hear you.
Maybe a part of the problem is that so many of us live in the fast lane & don’t take the time for fellowship.In most parts of the country, Catholics tend to be urban,too.Homes where both parents are employed make schedules busier.We’re all running on the same hamster wheel these days & don’t know how to get off.
I don’t have an easy answer to the fellowship problem,I encounter that, too, but as far as discussing your faith-look at the posts in the comment boxes here.I think most orthodox Catholics are very open to talking about faith & spiritual matters.
God bless!

Why was your initial focus just on new moms? Is there something I’m missing in your logic?  We both can agree that community is lacking for everyone in the Church.  Nevertheless, the point I’m trying to make is that community for young singles (after college and before one’s 30’s) sucks horribly and needs to be targeted first. Dynamic singles build dynamic families that go on to build dynamic communities.

I’m late 20’s, dynamic, worldly, devoutly Catholic and single. If you were to ask me what “community” looks like in the devout Catholic Churches I go to I’d say it’s basically nonexistent, save for a very small smattering of Laura-Ingalls Wilder women and dorky/frumpy men who no God fearing alpha female Catholic in her right mind would marry.  The dynamic, vibrant,worldly, don’t-sit-home-knitting-in-the-basement, 20-somethings capable of building the Church’s community in the United States long-term are absolutely KEY; and they are being driven away because as go the alpha males, so go the alpha females, and vice versa.  Maybe we need to figure out a way to make Church youth groups more happening.

I’m trilingual, have lived abroad for 2.5 years, play tennis, love to shop, am very attractive, am getting a grad degree in a lucrative field, etc., and my big frustration is that there’s basically no one for me.  Logically you’re right, the Church owes us nothing, but its community may depend on the type of dynamic singles who currently have no natural place in its organization. (Unless you call getting threatened “you hussy” stares from wives at Mass and dorky come-ons from, well, dorks, a “natural place.”)

Suburban Failure, I have said the same thing as you ... my Church community is my family.  My first child is autistic, higher functioning than your daughter, but he also could not handle the stimulation of any group activity.  I tried early on and always left the groups upset.  The idea of some community within my church has always appealed to me, but it has never worked.  God is always calling me back into my home.  I am grateful that our Catholic faith is so rich and deep and broad that on my own I can explore new things about the faith on my own and grow in the way God wants me to.

@FrustratedCatholic: My initial focus was on young moms because that was the focus of the four blogs I quoted from, from the last few days.  A few paragraphs down, I said that “[the original reader’s] question shows that it’s not just young moms who are looking for more support and sense of connection.” 

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I’ve heard from others (not just extremely dynamic and attractive younguns like yourself)at various times that lack of community is a problem for other people besides young moms.  That was kind of the point of the article:  we all have our various needs, and it’s hard to imagine a church that could make special arrangements to meet everybody’s requirements. 

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Maybe if you made a special effort to think about what other people might need from you, rather than deciding who’s too dorky or frumpy or threatened, you’d meet some people whose company you enjoy. Or maybe you just need to get a little bit older.

Or, you could start a Theology on Tap program.  Those are fun, and are intended to give young (under age 40), reasonably hip Catholics a chance to have a few drinks and relax while talking about spiritual matters.

In my own humble opinion, the Jewish faith is more welcoming than the Christian sects. They have a sharp sense of humor that Christians, especially the Catholics on this blog, just can’t seem to grasp.

Judaism also has more respect for women. Although they are sexually modest in separating men and women from certain rituals, women’s intelligence and roles in society are honored. Women can be rabbis, and conjugal marriage is prized over celibacy.

It’s been my experience that Jewish persons are more open in answering questions about their faith, and accepting believers in other faiths,  agnostics and atheists as equals.  Catholics can’t seem to tolerate disagreement or even different expressions of the joy of living.

It doesn’t surprise me that the writer feels a lack of connection with other Catholics. As a “new” convert, she still has questions. When I’ve asked questions on this site I’m soon marked for “spam” or totally blacklisted. Even if she finds a Christian social network, she will be judged by her opinions.

Oh, so you’re implying that reasonably hip dies at 40?  Grrrr.  My parish would say it dies after three kids. ;)
Youth is wasted on the young.

You, anna lisa, are unreasonably hip, and will be so until the day you die!

Hip nerdy Catholics rule.

—or apropos to the blog post, “Hip, nerdy Catholics, Unite!”

Our former pastor began something that he has done at three parishes now so far, which has helped build community and foster growth in faith: he has started monthly Rosary groups.  This can be done without a pastor, but having his backing has made it part of our parish life, and assures people that things are on the up-and-up.  It is very simple.  You meet monthly at someone’s home or the parish hall, visit a bit, pray the Rosary for the group’s intentions, then share a meal.  We have groups that range in size from 6-15 people, meeting on different days.  And it is always fun to Invite the pastor, so he gets a free meal! :-) If you want a formal format, you can follow the one set by the Marian Movement of Priests for monthly Rosary Cenacles (as we do), or you can start Divine Mercy Cenacles, as put forth by the Marians of the Immaculate Conception.  Or just be extra simple - pray and eat and talk!  Our group has been meeting for four years, and it’s been great!  And, no, I did not know everybody beforehand.  This is also a good way to keep new Catholics just out of RCIA feeling connected.

No time to read all the comments but I want to add that we have a really wonderful community with our Family Rosary Group.  We started out in our homes and then moved to the KC hall meeting room on Friday evenings once a month, several years ago. We picked the KC Hall so no one would have to deal with the stress of hosting the event as we would have upward of 30 children in attendance. (Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise…) We would arrive, anyone who wanted a soda or beer (yes, appealed to the dads-and moms!) could do so; we brought board games, etc for the kids to play and many, many, many times the littlest ones would just cause a ruckus that we dealt with as best we could.  After about 20 minutes of socializing we prayed a rosary together with the older kids leading with kid-friendly meditations.  The pre-schoolers would get the opportunity to walk around the room showing everyone a picture that depicted the mystery we were on (too cute, really). Then we would socialize for another half-hour or so and then go home.  NOW, we meet in the (catholic) school gym and the kids play basketball, etc and burn off a lot of energy.  It’s more attractive to the older (h.s. aged) kids as well as the dads.  The format is basically the same—visit, pray, visit.  And I’ll be honest, many, many, many nights after busy-crazy weeks we dread the thought of leaving the house for rosary group.  But never, never, never were we disappointed.  Once we get there, we are so happy we made the effort. 

The power of praying together with your friends is really something!
It ties us together in so many ways. 

We also have smaller groups that get together (2-4 families per group) every six weeks or so to do a couples ‘bible’ study.  Sometimes the teenagers join us(yes, sometimes by force ;). In January we will start watching the Catholicism Series by Fr. Robert Barron.  In December we get together just to sing Christmas carols and share a meal.  The kids LOVE going to this group.  And we don’t go to school with these people or live too near to them.  We see them at church and at our 6-week meeting.  It is such a blessing to our family.

Lastly, we get together with yet a different couple of families to have a Seder Meal together on Holy Thursday.  THIS is something our college and high school aged children still look forward to as much as we do—if not more. 

OH, as for young moms—we started a Friday prayer group about 8 years ago.  It was held Friday mornings after the school mass at the local Catholic school.  We would all go to the mass with our little ones in tow and then come to my house afterwards to offer up prayer petitions together.  We would start with a little snack for the toddlers, send them along their way; light a blessed candle and pray the prayer to the Holy Spirit.  Then, we would offer up all the prayer petitions we had on our hearts.  (I’d like to pray for….We pray to the Lord, Lord hear our Prayer)  Many times the prayer turns into some helpful discussion and advice sessions, sometimes there are tears and ALL THE TIME there is laughter and understanding.  The kids would trash the house and many times we would have to shout the intentions over wailing babies.  The group still meets (although I can’t join them:()and it’s a huge blessing to all involved.  You just can’t do this walk in Faith without friends!!

The underlying theme of our prayer group was, “If I don’t make sainthood, ladies, I’m blaming you!”  Saints ALWAYS had friends who were living the saintly life too!

God Bless you and yours, Simcha.  Love your columns and would love to have your family at any of the above.

OPUS DEI is my family within my Family the Church.

nice article Simcha!

A few years ago, we moved to a small city and attend Mass in a tiny village. The first day we were there, everyone knew we were new. People introduced themselves. One area of culture shock that ended up being positive, is that every adult is expected to help out in the parish in some way. In fact, once you are registered, you and all your children who have made their First Communion are assigned a role in the annual Harvest Festival. All women are assigned a role for the annual CCW brunch. We also each take a turn at Church cleaning. All men take turns being ushers, etc. There is no opportunity to say “no,” before you are signed up. At first, these seemed like a burden, but we soon grew to appreciate it. In larger parishes in the past, it was so easy to say that we were too busy with our young family to be involved. But really, we have been able to do these events without too much trouble. Now I really enjoy it and am getting to know the other women. It might not be as much as some parishes that are focused on building community, but serving the parish does build community as well. I’d love to see larger parishes do something similar, although I can imagine the protests in some circles!

http://contemplativehomeschool.wordpress.com
Faith-based education, Carmelite spirituality

As usual simcha u hit a nerve! growing up in new york pre-vat11 pre-60’s turmoil, our society was dif. for one thing catholic identity was very strong. call it a getto mentality if u will but the sense of community was very strong and was promoted by the clergy and religious. everything revolved around the parish including our social life. in many ways it was old world! from the celebration of feast days to the saying the angelus! don’t get me wrong, i am not nostalgic!not everything was perfect! but there was a sense of the transcendant that was lost when we rushed to become modern! the parish was our haven and sanctuary in a hostile anglo saxon protestant and secular american society that did not hold sacred what we did. being secure and proud of this identity suddenly was lost. we had an identity crisis! in many ways it was a product of our own success. orthodox christian and jews held fast in the storm and survived intact so maybe thats why a sense of community is stronger which should show us the way back. Benedict clearly see’s this and is leading us in that direction.  thankfully the Truth is never old fashion. the Church is the bulwark of the Truth and its leaders, mainly the clergy and religious must take responsibility for the failures of their duty to protect the laity and again create that safe haven for a truly catholic society to flourish like it once did, and the way things r going we might not have a choice!

Every parish I have belonged to since being an adult had some kind of outreach to young people, young adults and the general congregation.  I can’t count the number of church suppers, game nights, youth ministry meetings or the like that I have organized or helped with.  You know what?  The same people would come every time…the few core families who took their faith seriously, probably homeschooled, and helped organize these events.  Nobody else really cared.  It’s not a problem of the church not providing community…it’s a cultural change dominated by television and other forms of in-house canned entertainment.

Something I’ve noticed whenever these sorts of discussions come up is that it’s the people who haven’t had schoolage children who feel most alienated.  I think once you do get comfortable with your parish, the comfort carries through to old age.  We have several old ladies, whose kids graduated 30 plus years ago,  who volunteer in our parish school and for different groups throughout the parish.    They don’t feel out of place signing up.  I know myself I didn’t really get involved in my parish until my kids were in the parish school.  Now, I’d feel welcomed in just about any group in my parish that I felt like signing up for.  If I hadn’t had volunteerhood thrust upon me (as all parents do), I’m not sure I’d feel so welcomed. 
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@Kathleen - I’m wondering if part of the reason we Catholics don’t have a specific ministry to help unemployed families is because Church finances are hazier with Catholics than with Protestants.  In many Protestant communities, the members pledge an annual amount that’s based upon their expected income.  In Catholic parishes, the guy sitting next to you in the pew could be giving $5 or $500 weekly but nobody but the folks who count the money knows for sure.   
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I do think we should be doing more for the unemployed families, I just don’t know what it is.  I know the second to last time I was pregnant, the other moms in our parish school were wonderful to me.  I was very sick, in and out of the hospital and at home I had a newly adopted toddler with attachment issues.  It’s difficult for me to ask for help.    Thanks to those women, I barely drove anywhere during that time.  I am so grateful to them and how they would call and ask me if they could swing by and pick up one of the big kids and take them to practice or the party or wherever it is they were taking their own child.  That sort of informal support was just the ticket for me - I wonder if the same sort of thing would help unemployed families - e.g. including their kids in things you’re doing with your kids, inviting the couple out to dinner, etc.

I work for an organization that goes into parishes to provide adult education programs, and we find it also creates community as people meet others with shared interests.  So why aren’t more parishes doing more for such events?  Well, space is an issue - is there a room that can be used?  And at what time?  If it’s during the day, anyone who works a 9-5 job is left out.  If it’s at night, others are limited by working non-traditional work schedules (retail or hospitals, for example) or don’t want to drive after dark.  Is the idea of the program something the pastor and/or staff can support, or are their interests elsewhere?  Can a single parish even offer everything it might want to, or should (as my bishop has suggested) parishes work together, assuming the people and staff who populate them are willing to do so? 
In many ways, I think it comes down to the people themselves reaching out to others and creating the community they would like to have.  I would imagine for every over-whelmed parent, there is a single person who would more than happy to help prepare a family meal once in a while rather than eat alone (yet again).  Inviting the person next to you at Mass for coffee can be a great way to meet people, and in parish I was at, that developed into a small group of us who shared Lenten “fasting” dinners, and just social time to talk about spiritual things.
And of course people may *want* to get involved or start something but do not know how.  I can’t say enough good about the Catherine of Siena Institute whose purpose is to help laity discern their gifts for the building up of the kingdom.  When we know where we are gifted, we are more encouraged to take the initiative to get involved, and to invite others and to develop that community, whether it’s specifically within the parish or not.

I lived in a charismatic lay community for seven years. It was fantastic but very disciplined. We had representation in Rome and we numbered about 2,000. I have also visited the Bruderhoff several times in Europe. Again, the sacrifice and discipline needed for community is hard but rewarding.

As a single person, without any emotional support from any parish, I can attest to the need for such communities. I tried several times to get people interested in these, but to be honest, only one other single, older woman, like myself, was interested.

Sorry, but Catholics do not want to give up time, money or resources to create community. There have been many communities in the past so to say one does not know how is not an argument. It is the will to die to self and share time and resources. Community means reaching out of one’s own comfort zone and learning to live for a higher good. Community demands daily prayer and the recognition of an authority.  There can be no community life without authority.

Benjamin Zablocki has an excellent book on the Bruderhoff and I personally was part of a 25 year study he did on our community and others.

If people want this, it can be done. But, it needs to be a priority and it needs to be based on Jesus Christ and the Gospel and nothing else. By the way, we were not hippies. Most of us were very conservative politically as well as following the teachings of the church in all matters.

I also home schooled and help create home schooling coops. That is a good place to start. But if people want the benefits without the work and prayer, forget it.

Perhaps we are all missing a big piece of the puzzle.  I am an introvert who can occasionally summon some extrovert traits.  I am a leader of the Sanctity of Life Committe and head up a crisis pregnancy ministry in my parish.  I do not enjoy going up to strangers because I despise small talk.  But let’s think about this for a moment.  Doesn’t Christ call us outside of ourselves?  Perhaps he is asking those of us who are more reserved to share his love; to be his hands and feet.  We are not called to worship on our own, in a way that is “comfortable” for us and ignore the rest of the community.  Catholics are a community Church, not rugged individualism.  We make the mistake by bringing our individualistic culture into the Church.  The early Christians worshipped together, ate together, served together, lived in community.  Are we sure that our distaste for this type of living does not come from our culture and is hurting our faith? In fact, this ideology is eating away at our Christian identity.  We had better get used to selfless community living.  What do we think Heaven is? It is full community where we serve one another in harmony with God.

@ Frustrated Catholic “dorky/frumpy men who no God fearing alpha female Catholic in her right mind would marry”
Yeah, well, wait til you’re 40. Then they’re dorky frumpy men with hair coming out of their ears, and wearing threadbare, 20 year old shirts!
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Proof that men really are supposed to marry, or no one will force them to wear decent shirts and trim their nose hair! (never mind ever go to the doctor.)
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@Simcha—- and even Theology on Tap - was barren when I went in my 30s.  now that I’m over 40 - the place is packed with young people and I’M the creepy old person there alone!!!
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If the married couples and families in my parish would just treat me like a human instead of as some sort of pariah because I’m single….
I swear, I believe they think all single people are hussies, and not the pious, chaste people we’re striving to be! Ya know, if I seem grumpy, it’s because I haven’t had sex in 15 years!!
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One reader replied “society has become less social.”

Yes. And less human in the process.

When people plug into their computers, they form communities. When they make video games, they go multiplayer. When they nourish their bodies, they sit around tables and talk with their mouths full. Heck, women even go to the bathroom in groups, whatever that’s about. Human beings are this way.

Here’s a question: Why d’ya think those evangelical churches were so good at luring so many Catholics away from Catholic Christianity into their truncated version, over the last 50 years? Yeah, bad catechesis…but do you mean to tell me that there aren’t plenty of badly-catechized Catholics who stayed? Yeah disobedience on contraception, but, hey: Plenty of those folks stayed, too. So, the people who went: Why did they go?

Simple. They made friends there. They felt welcomed. People knew them. They got integrated into community.

Folks, I am NOT saying the Catholic Church should become Protestant. That is not what I’m about to say.

But, y’know, we used to use the Roman Numeral system…and then the Indians thought up a better system, which we didn’t find out about until the Muslims conquered them and then nearly conquered us, and we thought the Muslims had come up with it so we called it the Arabic Numeral System, and we started using it, and gee, y’know what? That zeros-and-place-values thing? It’s better. It would have been stupid to stick with what we had.

The plain fact is that non-Christians and non-Catholic Christians are created in the image of God, too, and sometimes they come up with technological advances that beat the pants off what we were already using, and if we disdain to use them because we didn’t think of them first, we’re being pretty stupid.

So, check it out: Protestants know how to find stuff in their Bibles because they do “sword drills” as kids. Maybe we could make use of that? It’s our book after all.

Evangelicals have dozens of things going on every week in one another’s homes and in classrooms at their church and before and after services, all of them with a family-and-food feel to them. Youth lock-ins and camping trips and “get to know our church” classes and small group Bible studies and choir tours and the list goes on. Seems to work reasonably well…not for teaching the fullness of the Christian faith as Christ intended it, sadly, but for building community and for (gasp) building an emotional attachment to the church so that people aren’t likely to leave, it can be quite effective when done right.

I am not saying we have to dumb down church and make it entertainment-oriented and so on. But y’know, that isn’t what the evangelicals were trying to do, either. They used the term “seeker sensitive” not because they were trying to invent a euphemism for choose-your-own-doctrine but because they really wanted to evangelize people who would otherwise feel snubbed by, unwelcome in, or unused to, typical churches.

Yeah, in practice, because they lack a Magisterium, “seeker-sensitive” churches have often become “churches where we don’t talk about anything that might make people mad or provoke disagreement” and as result the teaching gets watered down into a soft-soap “Therapeutic Deism.” I grant that. BUT, (a.) I’m afraid that process isn’t unknown in Catholic homilies despite our blessing of the Magisterium, and (b.) if we remain faithful to preaching the gospel in season and out of season, it remains possible to do it winsomely so as to draw people in and create a sense of family. And the Eastern Churches (as already noted) and the Evangelical ecclesial groups (as I’ve just observed), and, heck, lots of others have sometimes had great success with certain ideas. They’ve tried lots of stuff and found what worked and what didn’t.

While remaining ourselves, we ought nevertheless to observe what worked and what didn’t, for them, and “adopt (selectively), adapt (in a fashion fitting for who we are), and improve (just because they thought up a good idea doesn’t mean we can’t make it even better).”

So I have to disagree with the attitude that seems to underlie the Elizabeth Duffy quote, even while I agree with the words in a literalistic fashion. She says, “The Church is Christ’s body on earth, and as such, it doesn’t really owe any of us anything” and then “goes on to remind us to think more of what we owe to the Church.” Uh, yeah, I guess that’s literally true if you talk about it in terms of what we owe.

But guys, is this a family we have here, or is it some forum for negotiating arms-length business transactions? Does love get used up when expended on someone, like currency?

The Church doesn’t owe us parish youth groups and assistance for moms and whatnot just like your mom, having already given birth to you, doesn’t owe you a “Happy Birthday” whenever the anniversary of that event happens to roll around. But isn’t there something impeded and sterile about a relationship where we always give one another exactly what is owed?

@ R.C. Amen!!!!! 

When I was single and in my Twenties I nearly left the Catholic Church for the very reasons you elaborated upon so well.  I am not saying it would have been right for me to abandon the fullness of the Faith, but I was tempted on more than one occasion.  Why?  Mainly because my Protestant friends had deep community and they lived and breathed their faith in a more vibrant way than I was seeing in my church.  It was also difficult as a single woman because everyone was married and did not welcome me into the fold.  Now that I am married and have a daughter, I can still see these divisions.  We are all called to live out our vocation at different points in our life and welcome one another in those vocations.  We are all a part of Christ’s Mystical Body.

As a ministry leader, it is like pulling teeth to get Catholics involved outside of Sunday Mass.  It drives me crazy!  The same 40-50 (there are 500 families in my parish…families) people show up for adult faith formation, volunteer within ministries, and serve the parish.  Why?  I think that we put our secular pursuits before our Christian pursuits.  Part of it is that we all suffer from sloth.  In my own life, prayer always falls to the back burner.  After all, going to a basketball game is much more interesting than serving the poor or building community within our parishes.  Think that I am too harsh?  We always struggle to get people to voluteer 2 hours every 3 months to feed or work with poor families spending a week in our parish for shelter and food.  How sad is that?! How hard is it to give 2 hours every 3 months?

Community and service are foremost in the Christian faith.  We have abdicated our responsibilities to other sources and that helps us sleep at night.  Sure online communities are great, but are they real?  Is it really the same as bringing a meal to a friend who has lost their father?  Is it the same as giving a hug to a fellow parishioner who has just experienced a miscarriage?  Is it the same as sitting down to coffee with women who are also Catholic mothers after Mass?  No.  In fact, the overuse of the Internet drives wedges and creates addictions.  I know this in my own life. The only way that I have even gotten to know any of my fellow parishioners is because my husband is a Knight, I lead a ministry, we partake in adult faith formation (many times with our toddler in tow), we go to brunches offered by the parish, we volunteer our time to serve the poor, and we invite our priest over for dinner.  Some of it is completely out of my comfort zone, but that is how I know Christ is working in me.

God owes us nothing, but he gives us his love and mercy anyway.  We have an obligation to extend that love to our neighbor.  There is absolutely no excuse for the lack of community in the American Catholic Church.  Poor catechesis does not cut it either, nor does some lame excuse that the Church owes us nothing.  All of us put secular pursuits before Christ. I do it and if you are honest with yourself, you will see that you do it.  Kids do not need to be in 15 activities each and they should know that the Church comes first.  It is time for all of us to do a little introspection.  How can we prepare each other for Heaven, when we refuse to live in loving community?  *end rant that has been 14 years in coming*

I think that the Church does have the responsibility to be a warm welcoming inviting community, with multitudes of programs for young mothers and singles and any other sort of community need. HOWEVER, I think that many of the articles you wrote about are understanding Church differently. The Church is mainly comprised of lay people, so it’s us, the laity that need to be stepping up and supporting each other. It’s us who need to be making book clubs, babysitting co-ops and adult softball league teams. It’s us who need to be SMILING to people we don’t know at Mass. I know it’s oversaid, but WE are the Church. We should be making it a place people are attracted to for more than just the sacraments.

I grew up Mennonite, and one of my favorite things about Catholicism is that I can go to Mass JUST to worship. I don’t have to socialize at interminably long potlucks. I’m a terrible introvert! That said, as a young mom, I do find myself with an increasing need for fellowship with other Catholic women. I know my parish priest doesn’t have time to organize events, so it is up to me to seek out friendships.

Your reader isn’t coming from Orthodox Christianity; she is coming from Orthodox Judaism. One of the best things we can do to build community is to listen to what the other person is saying. In this case she’s saying that the Judaism she left was more community based than the Catholicism she has now found. Perhaps that might be because Judaism is a much smaller group than the Catholic Church is. Or it might be for other reasons.

Veronica, all the things you mention should flow from liturgy, if done right.  After all, “liturgy” means “work of the Church.”  If people are worshipping in the Spirit of the Living God, a little of that living working spirit would animate them.  This is what Jesus means when he says “by their fruits you will know them.”  Too many lemons in the congregation, and not enough nectarines.

dear sue korlan, r u listening to the responses. i was not just responding to the article! renee, kathleen and priests wife, all stated that our eastern cousins seem to have maintained that sense of community better than us in the latin rite! oh thats right we don’t use latin anymore!? go to a byzantine service! u will not understand a word but u will come away knowing something very special just happened, just like when i went to my friends daughter’s bath mitva and they unvailed the torah! i was stunned! listen, right now hundreds of parishes and school r closing because no one is going to church anymore. it is a disaster of epic proportion! in the last 30ys over 2000 parishes have closed! if we do not recapture our 2000yr old patrimony which was tossed by the wayside these last 50yrs no amount of community will save us! i agree with veronica that all thing should flow from the liturgy, that if we miss is a mortal sin and will send us to hell! when was the last time u herd a sermon about sin and eternal damnation! fear of the Lord has been lost, and i’m not talking about fear of the judge! it’s a fear born of love, a fear of offending someone i love like my mother or father! this is what animated us in the past and with an out-pouring of the Holy Spirit will again. this is what will create authentic christian community!

@RC:  Amen.  It’s pathetic.  Simply pathetic how Catholic parishes and dioceses have zero regard for singles 30 up to 70’s.  They pretend you don’t exist.  Oh, you can carry the weight of heavy lifting of table & chair set ups at parish events (to say nothing of) “Are you also able to stay afterward and help clean up, mop up, carry out the trash and put things away?”—while families trot off without doing anything.  You will never be considered for the Parish Council or Parish Finance Council because you are not in the “in crowd” which always seems to be mysteriously hand picked by the Illuminati.  You can lead and organize Parish Life Groups (which never include events for singles, widowed fathers trying to raise kids or single moms doing likewise).  The standard Catholic culture lauds young families with kids in the parish school, but everyone else is way down the food chain in consideration.  Singles can work in the kitchen during the Easter Vigil Mass preparing refreshments for the RCIA people, their families and the parish following Mass while still remaining long after everyone has left to wash and clean up.  And don’t get me started on how awful a job they do ministering to seniors or widows who might need some minor home repair after their husband has passed away or if they might need a ride to Mass.  The parish office doesn’t even bother to call months after the death of a spouse to see how Mr. or Mrs. X is doing.  A check up by one local parish found they had people still on the parish roster who had died 10 and 15 years ago.  The parish never bothered to inquire with so much as a phone call to their home to see how they were doing.  All these things are SOP at Evangelical churches where (unfortunately) —that’s where the love is,—and you are made to feel loved.  They have all sorts of events during the week with classes, fun activities, weekend events for men, women and kids.  They minister to everyone no matter what state of life you are in.  No wonder they call it a church “family.”

Our parish has a number of really great small communities; they all come together for events like the annual, week-long parish festival that honors our patron saint.
In the last few months, a young-adult group formed to provide community for the influx of young people that migrated to the area. Our pastor recognized the need for all of the new-comers to get to know each other, so he recruited some of them to start a young-adult Sunday brunch. This group raises its own money and food contributions and organizes its own events. I love going to brunch and getting to know all my fellow parishioners and reaching out for emotional support from other young mothers. It takes some motivated volunteers to take on some responsibility for the community, and to delegate the rest of the work to others.

We have an awesome mother’s group at our parish, run by a woman with seven kids of her own, and I was so, so grateful to get to know other moms “in the trenches.” We meet once per week for two hours, sometimes with a speaker, sometimes on an outing/field trip, and often just with a “let’s discuss this topic today” starter. It’s really wonderful, and if our parish doesn’t have one when we move, I know I’m going to have to try to get one going.

@ Casting Crowns…  bravo!
The folks in my parish who manage the hospitality (dinners, fish fry etc) are people Late 30s - 50s, singles and marrieds but all with no kids.
Sure, it probably does work best for them.  But sometimes it does feel like a, “Since you have nothing better do.” attitude.

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Someone else mentioned that her parish has plenty of community events, but it’s just the same 30-40 people who come.
That made me realize that I often find that I skip some of the church social events… they have them at 4:00 on Saturday…  and I’ll tell you, Saturday is the one day I enjoy not having to take a shower, fix my hair or put on makeup!!
I know there are mothers of young kids out there who would give a body part just to be able to shower!!!  But for me, dear Lord, just give me ONE lazy day where I don’t have to put on a show!!
I suppose that is selfish of me.
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As a single in my parish - I’ll tell you, I feel very ignored.
Even though I lector, EME and work with RCIA….  no one in my church (including the priests) showed me any kindness when my dad died.

TRS - I’m sorry about your dad.

I was a single involved in parish ministry for a long time.  Luckily, many of the “folks” I met there really loved and nurtured me.  (I bless them!)

However, I prayed and when the time was right, my wife was right there: in the vestibule of the church, waiting, apparently, for me to show up.

I know there’s a lot of advice married people give singles about ending their torment, and most of it is pretty patronizing.  I would just say: don’t compromise your standards.  You’re worth it.

TRS, I was perpetually single til I tried Catholic Match. I never even considered trying to find a husband at church because I could count on one hand the number of times I saw a single guy in my age group there. I was more likely to find a husband at my job at a preschool with a 90% female staff.

Seriously, it’s HARD to find a good man, but they’re out there.

Community is important because life and religion are not meant to be lived alone. I have a question and so I came looking for a community of believers. See. I have twice this month said things and gotten very startled looks from my non-Catholic friends. 1st regarding passing out small free New Testaments I said it must be part of a conversation because as a child of God it is my job to tell my brothers and sisters that God and God’s children want them to come home. Startled look from regional director. 2nd. regarding a womens retreat and a wish that I would get to talk about the Blessed Virgin. I said Mary doesn’t say much in the bible but all of it is very significant She say Be it done to me according to your word. A total acceptance of God’s will; My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord from that translation of Luke, All praise and glory due the Lord in justice; And from Cana do whatever He tells you. Really startled look from a former Catholic. So am I off the reservation theologically or have I just said things in ways they have not heard them before.

Kathleen : Texans still live in a frontier mentality. You say hey to everyone even people you have never met. Do not dare stay in a hotel without letting even your aunt by marriage two stages removed know you are in town. It goes back to the distances in Texas and the fact that someplaces civilization is a minimum of 50 miles away. Wal mart is not down the street but in the next county. And riding 50 miles to meet people to ride 50 miles to eat lunch and covering 3 counties isn’t really going anywhere because you got home that day. Merry Christmas