I woke up this morning to an angry -- oddly, almost a tearfully angry -- letter, protesting my blatant racism, my inappropriately partisan tone, and my meanypants attitude in a post I wrote some eight months ago. This was back when the "Romney 2012, I Guess" campaign looked like it had a good chance of eeking out a victory over Obama, so I offered a list of ideas for how the Obama campaign could bulk up their fundraising strategy. (I remember writing this post, because I was doing that Yosemite Sam evil laugh so hard, I almost choked on my own tongue. If there were some way I could pay myself for enjoying my own stupid jokes, I'd be out-fundraising all three parties put together.)
Anyway, the sad truth is, I guess they must have taken my advice, because maybe you noticed: the mostly bad guy lost, and the incredibly bad guy won. If Romney were in office today, God alone knows what particular kind of mess we'd be in; but it's hard to believe he'd have achieved such wondrous heights of arrogant malfeasance as we're seeing in the hourly headlines. Remember the phrase "Overtaken By Events?" It means when you're trying to make a plan, but the situation around you changes so fast and so often that your plans keep on becoming useless and irrelevant.
It's a minor problem when you're trying to come up with a satirical blog post predicting what Obama's next scandal will be. You try to imagine something outrageous, but then before you can even do a spell check -- son of a seacook, it turns out to be true. There are at least five Obama administration scandals as of this morning: the bloodshed and the cover-up of Benghazi, of course; Kathleen Sibelius' alleged illegal solicitation of funds for Obamacare; the IRS harassing conservatives and pro-lifers, spying on the Associated Press, and theft of confidential patient health records. Whoo wee! Good thing I'm already barefoot: if he keeps up this pace, I'm going to need my toes to keep count of all the scandals.
The hilarious thing is, these are mostly old scandals -- not things the administration is doing now, but things we're just discovering they already did. So it's as if they're being overtaken by their own event horizon. It's like one of those confusing Doctor Who episodes, where Obama and Jay Carney are running away from Hilary Clinton (I always thought she would make a good Dalek), and as they round a corner -- whoa! It's their past selves! What are they doing here, and why is the sky opening up like a scroll like that? What did you guys do? Overtaken by events again. I bet they wish they could go back in time and kick their own butts. Dear past selves: when you rely on the press to cover for your outrageous incompetence and disregard for human rights, don't betray the press, don't betray the press. Got it?
Of course, it's not really fair to blame Obama for any of this. That would be like expecting my third grader to do well on his math test when he was absent that day. I mean, Obama was busy being president, which left him no time or energy for, you know, running the country, or knowing what any of the heads he appointed to federal agencies were doing, or influencing public policy when democrats own the Senate. Lay off! He's a busy guy! Doing . . . stuff! And anyway, a math test, really? Nobody's good at math these days.
Here's the truth: I want to thank Mr. Obama for this past week. The last several months have been really, really hard for people like me, who cling to outmoded prejudices against being crushed under hobnailed jackboots. But thanks to Obama and his amazing team of superfriends, I've actually been looking forward to turning on the news lately. How refreshing! Thanks, man. (Oh gosh, I think I hurt my throat again. Gotta cut out the Yosemite Sam stuff.)
Anyway, maybe you can help me out, readers. What will the next scandal be? Something involving a very, very, very overdue copy of Dreams of My Father from the Library of Congress? Maybe it will turn out the Postal Service is actually an elaborate front for the import and export of olive oil? Was Susan Rice personally responsible for the decision to cancel Degrassi? Or was HUD building mini-palaces for Kim Jong-il? At least that would only be light treason.
And if you're wondering, no, I'm not afraid of any particular retribution for writing an anti-Obama piece. Tea party tea party tea party patriot patriot tea party! What are they gonna do? Audit me? Again, I mean.